


The silver's tears

by lokinada



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Awesome Frigga, Broken Promises, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Returns, Bucky barnes sense of humour, Domestic Avengers, Gen, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Minor Bucky Barnes/Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Minor Jane Foster/Thor, Mute Loki (Marvel), Odin's A+ Parenting, POV Bucky Barnes, Pain, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Thor, Selectively mute loki, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Thor Feels, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2018-06-03 19:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 57
Words: 106,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6622711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokinada/pseuds/lokinada
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After New York battle time to go home, but would this be possible? Thor panicks as loki fell unconscious more paler and cold than ever if this was even possible fears of losing his brother again.<br/>Thor is protictive and the team start to ask questions and the truth needs to be told</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My brother keeper

**Author's Note:**

> hi, so this is my first work ever, so much feels and to be clear i wrote every character as i see them and feel them, i don't own any character but surely i own the story :D  
> Hope you like it and don't be shy leaving your comment about it

Defeated by the Avengers after being beaten up by the green Hulk, it was the time for the trickster to surrender. Thor kept staring at him and give him the "why brother?" look, he can't find a good reason for Loki to ally with the chitauri, bringing destruction to the whole city not showing even slight regret, taken out from his thought by the voice of fury asking for him  
"Yes"  
"Somehow your father sent you this package"  
"What?"   
Looking back to his brother who pretended not to care, Thor opened it quickly to find a letter and what seems to be a muzzle and handcuffs, he started to read the message without showing any reaction but shock at the end  
"So?" Fury asked   
"Those are for Loki"   
"What!!" Loki hissed "am I some kinda of animal"  
"Brother please I'm sure our father has a good reason for that"  
"Our father" Loki shouted in anger "no it is your father not mine"  
"Brother"  
"Don't you even dare to call me your brother"  
"Can we end this drama for god sake?"Stark said in boredom  
"Man of iron please don’t interfere," Thor said  
"Fine but for hundredth time it's not man of ir..."  
"Enough," Fury said interrupting, "Thor end this now and do as your father said we won't him to deceive anyone with his silver tongue or magic"  
"Come on Thor after all he had done, you still calling him your brother and calming him down," Natasha said in disbelief  
"You all won't understand, "Thor said in desperate  
"Thor I understand you but you have to do this you know that," Steve said, he finally nodded moving towards Loki who stood like a statue without any expression on his face  
"Sorry brother," Thor said putting his hand on the trickster shoulder who jerked back muffling in anger  
Thor moved back to his team discussing what they are going to do leaving Loki alone with his thoughts and memories of the recent events cursing his fa…odin for humiliating him prince of Asgard for what a pathetic prince he is, all alone now everyone hating him wishing him to die, "but I still love you Loki you are my son and I won't stop loving you " friga's voice!! Loki flinched back slightly feeling weak and blur, everything went dark for moments, this terrible headache as if someone had hit your head in the wall, he felt pain invading every bone in his body but all of this seemed a joke against the real deal, how did he get here in the first place?!  
Even though he left his brother he didn't take his sight away from him when he noticed him flinching leaning weakly as he was going to faint there was something wrong he ran to Loki but couldn't stop him falling to the ground.  
"Loki" Thor shouted holding Loki in his arms he was hyperventilating  
"What is wrong?"Thor said in a shaky voice, Loki pushed him away and crawled backward  
For a while, they thought he was trying to escape but for a man who just found himself beaten up, handcuffed and has no idea where the hell is he, he has many things to do better than escaping, so to freak out was the normal behavior  
"Is he trying to escape?... it's over dude you are done" Clint smirked  
"Let me just help you" Thor yelled at him grabbing him closer helping him to stand  
Loki groaned weakly, he looked away muffling angrily, he tried to remove the muzzle but he couldn't the chains blocked him  
"Stop it, you will just hurt yourself" Thor shouted at him but Loki didn't stop he was shaking enraged trying to remove the chains in vain it only makes his wrist bleed a little  
"You are acting childishly Loki, stop this right now I'm warning you" Thor shouted at him, Loki flinched with his hands against his face, he was afraid, afraid of me Thor wondered, he moved towards him carefully but Loki flinched again  
"You afraid of me! why?" Thor said shocked, he holds Loki face with his both hands grabbing him gently closer to him so they face each other, Loki tried to free himself from thor's strong arms but he couldn't he moaned weakly holding one of thor's hands tightly  
"Why?"Thor whispered to him "What changed you that much?" Loki moved away again turning his back to Thor trying to unlock the chains again  
"This is not you" Thor shouted desperately "Keep running away from me, just be a man and look at me let me see your eyes they won't lie to me they never did"  
He looked at him in the eye pointing to the muzzle and muffled in desperate, begging him to remove it, he needs to know why and how this happened  
"You know I can't, it is all father order," Thor said but he could see the truth in his eyes it was his fault they keep telling him  
Loki made a protesting sounds, Thor didn't need him to speak to know what is he saying but he can't just release him, he is his responsibility and if anything went wrong not that he is afraid of disobeying the all father no, if anything happens to his brother he can't take it anymore he will never forgive himself  
Loki knew Thor won't listen to him he will never do, but something is wrong he can feel it, like there is someone who is watching him , he felt weakness controls him again and it was cold, very cold …strange, cold never was a problem to him, a muffled scream came out of his throat he stretches his hand to Thor who seemed far away from him now clattering and everything went dark, Thor crushed next to him shouting his name in fear  
He started to shake Loki to wake him up but in vain as if his soul left his body leaving a cold body and paler skin  
Everyone stood in silent shocked by what just happened  
Bruce leaned next to Thor checking the trickster for pulse  
"Is he dead or what?" Clint smirked  
"Shut up," Steve said  
He knew any word now about Loki would make Thor commit a murder, Thor looked lost and worried, the Thunderer couldn't stop himself from lightning the sky and thunder went almost deafening them  
Bruce sighed "he is fine, I think he is just asleep"  
"You're kidding, right?" Tony said almost shocked  
"No something is wrong I saw his face just before he falls, paused for a moment then said he was afraid of something"  
"Jarvis, did anything weird happen? Voices, power, anything?" Tony asked Al  
"No sir, though I recorded strange Frequency forming around him"  
"When did it start?"  
"Just after Mr.odinson put the muzzle"  
"Should I remove it?" Thor said  
"Are you fucken kidding me" Stark snorted  
"Just put him inside until we figure out something, "Fury said  
It was the only thing we do for now so I carried Loki ,put him on sofa ,I sat next to him he was cold and paler than usual ,did father make it somehow hurts Loki !oh brother I wish I could help you but you make it very difficult for me how can I defend you and results of your action can be seen everywhere how can I just forget that you destroyed the city, stabbed me, control Clint's mind and almost killed stark . But he is my brother …my young silly insane brother  
"I don't care all of this shit, I said we'll have shawarma so we'll have it, right now," Stark said  
"We're not going anywhere, are you out of your mind?" Steve refused  
"No need to" Tony grinned "Jarvis make the order"  
"Ok sir"  
.  
"Thor, I wanna ask you something," Steve said calmly  
He looked hesitated and shaken a little, Thor was surprised but he nodded  
"Though all what Loki did, you still taking care of him worried about him!!Why? I mean he is a killer, heartless, for god sake, he hates you and already tried to kill you"  
"He is...my brother," Thor said and looked away  
"We know that he is your fucken brother but this is not an excuse for what this asshole did to you, to stark …to me," Clint said in anger shaking his head trying not to remember what Loki did to him  
"He is my brother" Thor repeated it calmly  
"Thor, sorry but I don't understand you too" banner finally said something, putting his hand on Thor's shoulder  
"There is another reason right?" Natasha asked Thor  
Thor looked worried he didn't wanna tell anyone about this, he was the reason for what happened to Loki, Steve noticed that he approached Thor calming him and making him say what he hide Steve knew there is something big behind this and they don't know anything about Loki in fact  
Thor sighed and said "I don't wanna to lose him….again"  
"What do you mean by 'again'?" Banner voice was shaking  
Thor takes his decision to let go all of his thoughts, fears everything he looked to Loki holding his cold hand  
"I'll tell you everything but no one interrupts me"  
They nodded sitting down curiously waiting for Thor to speak  
"when I said you don't understand I really meant it no one ever understood Loki except for mother and me before all of this happened I guess, he was different he was the most quiet child you would ever met, other children used to bully him as he was small and weak the opposite to any Asgardian child and for being too smart for his age was a problem too, so he preferred to be lonely surrounded by books reading all day than going outside, the most annoying thing that would happen to him is me being around him all the day, I was his only friend, when we were little older I started to take fighting and wrestling lessons Loki too but a little as he was interested in another type of lessons "magic" it wasn't a surprise really as mother take on her shoulder to give all her knowledge and skills to look it had been decided since this day mother growing up Loki to be the greatest sorcerer and helped him in his studies about almost everything in the 9 realms and father making the greatest warrior preparing me with the knowledge needed to become the king of Asgard that is was my first fault .."  
"How is that?" Tony asked trying to make events more alive before he beg anyone to shoot him in the face  
"I was selfish all I thought of is being worthy so father become proud of me I didn't realize that I turned my back on him, I ignored him leaving him to his thoughts and loneliness I was his only friend and I let him go"  
There was silence, Thor looked like he was going to cry he hold all these thoughts inside him for a long time that sharing it becomes unbearable all these memories. He just wished he can go back in time and change all of this.  
But this one memory when Loki was child crying after he had a bad dream cuddling to Thor tightly pleading him "Don't leave me alone please they will hurt me" was the trigger he breaks down in tears embracing Loki "I'm sorry I'm sorry…"

Banner couldn't take it anymore rushing to his room, they shouldn't push on Thor to speak.Steve moved towards Thor he can't stand seeing Thor break like that but Fury stopped him and said quietly " stop, he needs this , he needs to let it go " they just stood watching, Natasha holding Clint's hand derive strength from him or he derives strength from her it doesn't matter they understood how it like when someone is taken away from you how it feels when you have someone you always know you can rely on them …they had each other. stark knew how it like to be different to be alone to be afraid by everyone he needed a drink desperately, Steve ! he lost everyone he loved Peggy and Bucky, he used to say that even when he had nothing he had Bucky by his side but now it seemed like he had to continue to the end of the line alone .  
How much time they stood like this they didn't know but it must be hours since the sun has already shone letting warmness enter their broken hearts.


	2. shattered

When Thor break down the night before, banner couldn't bear it, that was too much to temper .to stop Hulk from coming out he took some moderators made him sleep when he wakes up it was almost midday   
“Good morning doctor”   
“Good morning Jarvis, what is the time?”  
“3.15 sir “  
“Ooh, I slept that much, are they sleeping? It is quiet calm around “  
“Actually sir, no one except you had slept and young odinson sir   
“I see, are they still there?”  
“No, everyone is in their rooms “  
“They left Loki by himself? Banner said in horror”   
“No sir, Mr. Thor is there”   
“Thank God” banner sighed in relief   
“Sir, I think you should check on Mr. Loki "Jarvis voice sounds concerned even for a computer"  
“Why, isn't Thor there?” He asked in astonishment  
“I'm afraid he fell asleep an hour ago and now it seems like Mr. Loki is having a panic attack”   
“Oh my god, notify the others first Tony "banner said rushing to them.

When he arrived, Thor was sleeping on the couch unaware of anything around him, he moved slowly towards Loki who was shaking viciously holding himself in fetal position .bruce tried to calm his body down holding him tightly but with the horror look on his face Bruce knew it won't end soon he started to shout to wake Thor up   
"Thor wake up man, thoor'  
But in vain Thor is heavy sleeper guy and was so tired too .bruce was all alone now he must do something and do it quickly, he removed the muzzle as Loki might bite his tongue or even worse.  
“Jarvis for god sake where are they "banner shouted hopelessly   
“On their way sir I informed them”   
“Tell them to hurry up please”   
He turned back to Loki who is now screaming in pain "thooooor"  
That was enough to make Thor jump from the couch in fear looking for his brother   
"Loki, what did you do to him? He shouted in banner crashing next to his brother holding him   
"Nothing, I think he is having a terrible panic attack, I tried to wake you up but ..."   
Banner was shut up by another scream tearing from Loki   
By the time everyone has arrived armed   
“What is going on here?” fury asked   
“Why it took you all so long to come here?” Banner said enraged trying to control his temper  
“Why did you scream?” Steve asked   
“It was Loki not me though I almost had a heart attack,” Banner said while he was trying to hold Loki still   
“Do something...anyone...please? "Thor said in pain holding Loki with Bruce   
It was then when they realized the situation...  
“He isn't having a panic attack, is he? Tony asked shaking slightly as he remembered when this happened to him though it wasn't this strong  
“Yes a strong one too” banner said without looking to them   
“Shit shit, I need a drink now,” Stark said moving towards the bar, it has been a while since his last anxiety attack but who said it was gone forever he can feel his hands trembling again.  
“Are you sure he is not faking it? Clint asked suspiciously  
Enough "thor parked "agent Parton I consider you as my friend but if you continue insulting a son of Odin nothing will stop me from getting you"  
“But he is right that is Loki here we are talking about a few hours ago he almost wiped the city if you remember, "Natasha said standing between them  
Thor didn't have a chance to replay as another scream torn his heart he forgot all of this rushing to Loki again. It was more vicious this time his back arched badly and his limbs shaking, Loki was crying from pain   
"is this enough for you agent Parton, " Thor said in blame   
Everyone stand in silent they hated Loki but seeing him like this is too much for anyone to bear they looked to each other trying to find an answer when suddenly Loki opens his eyes grabbing thor's hand " make it stop “please make it stop" Loki said almost begging thor   
“Stop what brother? What is happening to you please tell me"  
Loki didn't answer he sniffles jerking away from Thor looking around him strangely then stood up suddenly   
The team was alerted by this preparing to fight,"Hey hey take it easy Loki you must lay down now "banner said trying to calm Loki down   
Loki screamed in pain again, Falling to his knees, "make it stop" Loki repeated in despair "there is so much pain" Loki said sobbing   
What is hurting you" banner asked at once   
"Everything, it never ends, stop it" then he screamed one last time before he passes out from the pain   
“Shit, Thor carry him and follow me now"   
“Aye "Thor quickly hold Loki "he is so cold than normal more than yesterday"   
“His body is collapsing unless we do something he will die”   
After they gone stark decided he needs another drink and left   
"What do you think boss?" Natasha asked   
"He isn't faking that is for sure," Fury said  
"So we let this bastard stay here after all what he did "clint parked   
"He maybe the villain but we are the good people here our job is to save people not let them suffer don't forget that Clint, " Steve said firmly   
"I agree with cap but this doesn't mean we won't keep an eye on him," Fury said   
"And I suggest you keep your mouth shut Clint one more word about Loki and you will find yourself hit by a hummer" Tony mocked   
"Shut up stark" Clint said taking the drink from him   
"Hey that is mine" stark whined   
"Not anymore" Clint smirked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my poor loki :/ sometimes i hate myself :D  
> So what do you think? is it good enough or not?  
> and oh i made palylist when i started writing it, helps me cry well :D interested?


	3. tortured heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one i know, so sorry it was a hard one to write :/ !!

Loki...Loki" "  
….  
"Wake up my child"  
Frigga's voice again, where am I? It's dark and cold, Fri...Mother where are you?  
"Don't be afraid my child I'm here with you like always"  
"I… I can't see you why it's so dark here?  
"You made this my child, this is your world now" her voice was cold and calm  
"What? I don't understand "Loki felt nervousness fluttering in his stomach   
"My child you filled your world with hatred, rage, jealousy, your dark thoughts my child they grew up and formed this world of darkness and loneliness it controlled your mind forcing your body to collapse and soon your body will die leaving you here forever"  
"What?…no this is not true I'll fight and I'll survive like I always did by myself alone, I .. I don't need your pity or help"   
"Like always you will deny your weakness, Loki, and only Loki all the time why do you think everything is ought to be about you ...you are so naïve my child "   
He opened his mouth to defend himself but there were no words to say her laughs were cold and cruel and the more it became louder the more he feels pain stabbing his heart, he cursed his weakness as tears burning in his eyes fighting to be free   
"Boor child are you going to cry, man up Loki you are a warrior and warriors never cry …but after all who said that you are a warrior"  
"Mother please stop why you treat me like that …you among all of them you are the one I really loved and cared for, please enough I beg you "Loki cracked in tears   
"Oh my little child I'm sorry "her voice was soft and warm she moved towards him holding his hand and smiled at him   
He felt little safe he missed his mother then he felt pain in his arm it was turning blue he looked at his mother in shock   
"but no one loves a frost giant, my child, " she said moving away from him with disgust look on her face and started to laugh again breaking the limitless silence around them   
Loki stared at his blue skin he couldn't stop tears this time he felt so weak and worthless "just a stolen relic" he said in a dead voice clenching himself in the ground and cried in silent remembering everything, every word   
"When I'm king I'll hunt the monsters down and slay them all"  
"You would kill them all with your bare hands"  
"In the aftermath of the battle I went into the temple and I found a baby. Small for a Giant's offspring, abandoned, suffering, left to die. Laufey's son"  
"What, because I... I... I am the monster parents tell their children about at night?"  
"So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me?"  
"I never wanted the throne; I only ever wanted to be your equal"  
"You're my son... I wanted only to protect you from the truth..."  
"He kept the truth from you so you would never feel different. You are our son, Loki, and we your family"  
Lies …they all lied to me leaving me here alone …you pathetic stop whining like little girl no one loves a frost giant even you  
It has been minutes…hours with him struggling in his thought he really didn't know but he didn't care, frigga's left long time ago he didn't see her leaving, staring to the dark again remembering only some words he once said to the red headed woman which deceived him to speak agent Romanov he remember her name words he now realized ironically that he only meant himself by them ……  
This is a child at prayer... PATHETIC!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me, i really love him :D  
> your thoughts like always :D


	4. Lost

They stood in silent looking to each other it was one of the most awkward moments they ever have and they had a lot but this no it was almost a dream a bad odd one, helping their enemy to survive and beyond this, some of them feel sorry for him really! it was a hell of a night they didn't even notice they spent all the day staring to each other except when Bruce begged them to take Thor away before he drove him insane he need to focus for god sake then everything return the same except one more trembling blonde   
"Soo…uhm how is he?" Tony said feeling awkwardly   
Thor didn't answer or even blink, Steve put his hand on his shoulder "thor"  
"Huh...yes," Thor said, he was so lost and confused none of them saw him like that before, there was a quiet long pause before Steve speaks   
"How is Loki?"  
"He…he is dying and I...I can't do anything to save him"  
"Why you don't take him back to Asgard they might help him?" Tony said   
"I can't the Bifrost is not completely repaired yet and to use the tesseract require magic to work that I don't have"  
"So we are stuck here with him shit man," Clint said with frustration   
Steve glanced angrily to shut him up, Thor seemed that he didn't hear what Clint said and continued   
"Banner prevented me from staying with him; he needs me to be on his side" his voice cracked almost crying  
"Hey big guy don't worry banner did this only so he could focus on saving him you will see him soon I'm sure," Steve said calming Thor   
"I know that only for his good but it just he was always there for me by my side he was like my shadow always taking responsibility to keep me safe, I'm the older it should be my job, not the opposite " Thor sighed tiredly  
"You said that he was weak as a child so how that can even be possible?"Clint asked   
"you said as a child but everything change after that you may say that he was affected by my eager to be the king to be worthy he trained by himself every day for hours he managed to combine his magic with his fighting skills he made a fighting technique a unique one so powerful but still beautiful " Thor smiled at the memory of his brother training  
"And your father he only focused on you?" Steve asked   
" no, he knows that Loki doesn't like to fight all the time as it the only job he had, and he is smarter than any of us so he usually was busy holding deals with other realms, trading, peace treaties "   
"So what the hell happened to him making him go crazy destroying and shouting kneeeel," Tony said in disbelief   
"I don't know I have many questions for him when I saw him here I wanted to take him away from all this madness I wanted it to end for good but I couldn't I missed him so much that I couldn't even ask him anything and Loki ...He was just busy hating me and shouting "I'm not your brother" every time" Thor was nervous and he kept putting his hand on his hair to calm himself down   
He sighed again and said "I just …I can't live this again watching him die in front of my eyes unable to save him I prefer to die to watch this happen again "  
"What...what did you just said how this even possible? Tony said in shock   
"I shouldn't have said this, excuse me I shall go and see my brother now,” Thor said that walking away blaming himself for revealing such secrets about Loki   
"What the hell please tell me that I'm not the only one here heard this?" Tony exclaimed  
"Thor was never that weak but every time it came to Loki he crack I think he holds himself the responsibility for what happened to Loki, " Steve said lost in his thoughts

"Thor I told you distracting me, " Banner said quietly   
"Please banner I can't leave him alone let me stay" Thor almost begged him   
"Alright but stay calm"  
Thor nodded and sits next to Loki, passes his hand on Loki's hair   
"What is wrong with him banner? Why doesn't he wake up? How…how this happened in first place?  
"Hey big guy you really need to calm down I never saw you like that it only timber me you know"  
"My apologize, but many things changed, for now, I can't talk about it"  
"Don't need to but at least tell us anything might help, you never told us about Loki and suddenly we found out that the maniac destroyed the city is your brother, excuse us but we have our reasons too"  
"All I can say that I didn't mention Loki before because I thought him dead and that was two years ago, "Thor said and left the room quickly heading to his room   
"Dead" Banner said shocked but Thor was gone   
Banner sighed in tiredness he need to rest for some minutes, he did all he can nothing else can be done for now they just have to wait   
“Jarvis keep watching him and inform me if anything happened”   
“Yes, sir”   
Banner headed to the main room slowly he was soo tired   
"Ooh god, I need a drink a strong one "banner said quietly   
"Come join me doc we will have a lot these days "Tony smirked   
"Oh thanks "banner said taking a big full cup from Tony   
"Where is Thor?" Steve asked   
Banner sighed "in his room he literally ran from me, he is having a very bad day"  
“Ran?” Natasha interrupted banner   
"Yes I just asked him about Loki trying to get any information about him might help me"  
"And what did he tell you?"Steve asked   
"I asked him why he didn't talk about Loki before, things got very strange here apparently Loki is supposed to be dead"  
“What" Tony shrugged in his drink   
"Yep, he has been dead for two years that is why Thor acted weird when we first caught Loki, grabbing him from the jet"   
"Is it normal for these guys to come back from dead or I should really freak out right now as we have a zombie here? " Tony said he was shocked and can't think properly first the magic shit that he really doesn't get how it works and now this   
"The right question now is if Loki was alive all this time where had he been and how he ended allying with the chitauri?" banner said looking very concentrated now, he has some thoughts about this   
"Why the hell we even care?" Clint said in anger he can't believe that they forget what this bastard did to him discussing now how to help him   
"I have my suspicion about this "banner said quietly   
"What do you suspect?" Natasha asked she knew how is clint feeling right now she need a good reason for letting Loki stay here or kicking him out, only Clint matters   
"when I took Loki to the medical room he had another panic attack a quiet one but still strong, when I looked at his eyes it was …it was blue like yours Clint when you know…"


	5. Blast from the past

"Heimdall I know you can hear me please tell me how this happened? What is wrong with Loki? No, what is wrong with me I never was this weak and fragile, this is not me I faced this before and I was strong enough to fight for saving him" Thor said covering his face with his hands  
"You are afraid to fail in saving him just like the last time" a voice inside him answered, voice remembered him of Loki, it was calm and soft though it seems to hide a lot of pain and sadness   
"Lo...Loki is that you"   
"no, I'm just a memory, lost one in fact ,your mind find a way to guide me to you" a gaze of green light gathered forming a shape,loki, he looks so beautiful so innocent as Thor always remembered him smiling but sadness in his green eyes, he moved closer to Thor  
"A flash of light in my darkness, a hope to be saved, for Loki to be saved"  
Thor couldn't move or react, just sit watching his brother remembering how he was how he missed this face, this smile, just say nothing staring with tears gathering in his eyes   
"all that you said there, most of the feelings, the thoughts, it wasn't yours most of them ,they are mine I was trying to open your eyes to the truth, to see how Loki suffered, how he felt, all of these are just a small part of how he really feels, after all, I'm just one memory "smiling to Thor again putting his hand on thor's hair and looking at his eyes   
Thor couldn't feel the touch at all but there was some cold, Loki's cold he moved to touch Loki's face but it started to disappear like a small gaze of light he heard a whisper "forgive me brother" then he was alone again   
"No you forgive me Loki for not understanding you, for letting you down all these years, please forgive me so I can forgive myself"  
Thor said quietly but for him, it was like one last prayer for forgiveness, for finding peace, he didn't even recognize the tears falling from his eyes, this time it was really him who cried

When Thor walked into the main room everyone stopped talking apparently it was some sort of fight he managed to hear his brother name said several times  
"Am I interrupting something here, I can come back later"   
"No, no Thor come in it is nothing, "Steve said smiling at him   
"I want to tell you something, I don't know if you will understand it or not, I'm confused by it myself" his voice was shaking and he looked lost but not in a weak way no as he was thinking of something   
"Say it buddy don't worry things become a lot weirder these days, "Tony said he looked serious, not funny tony but Tony the real one   
Thor stared at him for a second then sighed preparing himself for what he is about to say   
"What happened from me these two days it wasn't me?"  
Steve interrupted him saying "no one is going to judge you, Thor, we are your friends"  
"No you don't understand, it really wasn't me it was Loki"   
"Excuse me, what?! Loki is in almost coma I assure that "banner said looking astonished  
"Did he control your mind?" Clint asked quickly   
"Noo, it was a memory, look my brother's magic isn't obtained or taught he is born with it everything about him won't make sense I know it was a lost memory,loki's memory, somehow it came to me and controlled me not in the way you think it just put some of Loki's thoughts and feelings in my mind "  
“So Loki was the one who cracked not you, but why would he do something like that, to expose himself to all of us "banner said   
"The memory was a lost part of Loki actually it was the real Loki he was just trying to open my eyes to see how much Loki suffered"  
"And how we don't know it is just a trick his mind playing it on you, "Clint said   
"I saw him...it ...do you think I wouldn't recognize my own brother when he says the truth or playing a trick it is hard with Loki but it was him before all this happened he looked like how I always remember him " Thor yelled in anger  
"Sorry, but he looked? You say it was a memory so how you saw it exactly?" Tony said feeling confused more confused   
"When I went to my room it appeared to me, Loki's magic is controlling his mind now I think it is trying to save him and at the same time sending messages revealing his thoughts"  
"How it looked like?" banner asked in curiosity  
"like I always remember him calm, smiling at me, he talked to me his voice was normal, not full of hatred or shouting ,his eyes though was full of pain and sadness a deep one he asked me to forgive him before he disappeared "Thor was calm he was smiling a little as he remembered his brother   
"I don't buy that sorry" Clint said   
Thor smiled looking to something behind them "I think you will very soon his magic is strong now as he is healing you will see them a lot they are harmless they disappear if touch them "Thor smiled again pointing at something behind them "I suggest you look behind you now"  
"Holy shit" Tony shouted   
"Is this another memory?" Steve asked staring at it   
"Many of them are just copies wondering around when you see a memory you will know by yourself these copies are only doing regular Loki hobbies"  
"What? Killing, destroying?" Clint smirked   
"No" Thor voice was cold and serious "reading, studying, drawing, things like that" he smiled moving closer to the copy to watch it   
Loki was sitting his legs crossed over each other he was reading like always, he looked peaceful and concentrated   
"I really never understood why he loves reading so much like that all the time, "Thor said in low voice but they heard him   
"Because you are an oaf," Loki said smiling to Thor then disappeared   
"It talked or am I hallucinating?" Tony asked his eyes were wide opened   
Thor laughed at his look then said "it is a copy not just an image and it responds only to me"  
Then he left to check on his brother and banner went with him leaving the rest staring in the space   
"Oh god I think I'm going to lose my mind," Tony said making himself another drink a strong one this time   
"I think I need a drink too," Steve said following Tony   
"Me too," said Clint and Natasha in the same time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it so far wel i've some bad news, Exams :/ yup finals are coming :D so no updates till next week, so sorry guys, see ya soon saturday i hope ♥


	6. remembering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back :d what a week so tired but i promised you a new chapter so enjoy ♥

"Mr. Thor," said Jarvis  
"Yes Jarvis," Thor said feeling odd he really doesn't get the whole idea about this talking man with no body, Technology was always his problem here actually  
"Dr. Banner required your presence in medical section"  
"Something wrong with my brother?" Thor said walking out of the room concerned  
"Another panic attack I presume sir"  
Thor didn't reply heading quickly to him  
"Oh Thor thank god you came, help me to tie him up, fast "banner said trying to hold Loki's body which is stretching viciously now  
"Aye " Thor said moving to help Banner, Loki still strong so it wasn't easy calming him down they managed finally to restrain him after he almost hurt them with some cuts and himself as well then one scream tear up from him again and his eyes were open wide it was blue for a second before turning green again leaving him unconscious again, they both let out a breath they didn't even know they were holding  
"I thought he will be better, that he was healing," Thor said in disappointment  
"Thor, I really don't think his magic is healing him, I mean it is doing it somehow but the memory you saw and the copy we saw it wasn't a side effect from healing I think his mind is trying to send a message"  
"Message?" Thor said holding Loki's hand between his hands tightly as he afraid he would disappear  
"His...his eyes were blue for a second, blue like Clint's when Loki was controlling him, it is not the first time I see it Thor, every time he had a panic attack his eyes were blue then turn again to green right before he passes out again "  
Thor was shocked how he didn't notice that? Why he didn't think even for one time that his brother may be controlled by them, Loki really looked very tired when he saw him and there was something strange about his eyes, how he was so blind and stupid like that?  
"Why I must be so stupid like this? Every time knowing the truth when it is too late risking his life every time" Thor shouted in anger and blame rushing out of the room  
"Thor wait" but it was late Thor already left, banner sighed checking Loki again before he go to the main room, when he arrived he asked Jarvis to call everyone for a meeting and made himself some coffee  
"It is 6 am for god sake I barely slept " Tony complained  
"I'll make you some coffee it is serious deal" banner said tiredly  
"You still asleep till now Tony you such a lazy " Clint smirked passing Tony  
"Oh yeah try sleeping 4 am smart ass, " Tony said with a grin  
"Grow up a little, boys" Natasha said taking her coffee giving one to Clint  
"Ok mom" Tony smirked  
"Hey I thought Steve is mum "Clint laughed  
"What, oh god , banner why you called us I was practicing " Steve said confused  
"Did anyone saw Thor on your way here?" banner said looking concerned  
"Yeah the big guy almost knocks me down I think he was heading to his room," Tony said  
"Something happened to make him that angry?" Steve asked  
Banner sighed " apparently he was shocked about Loki's case now and the blue eyes thing"  
"You saw it? Clint asked  
"yes, Loki was having another panic attack an hour ago and his eyes were blue for a second before turning green and passed out again like every time "  
"Why would he be angry?" Natasha asked  
"I don't know he kept repeating that he is so stupid and blind to see the truth when it is too late again"  
"You really believe that this guy…Loki was under controlled like me?" Clint said in a shaking voice that worried Natasha making her move close to him  
"yes and I think he is still under their control too , these copies and memories it is like a SOS his mind sending , I think they control him in a destructive way even if he survived I don't think his mind will " banner said quietly  
"You mean he may lose his memory?" Tony asked  
"Maybe and this will be the least thing in the list too"  
"What? Noo "Thor said in pain  
"Oh no " banner said shocked by Thor  
"Hey big guy don't worry I'm sure Banner is only overreacting, " Tony said guiding Thor to sit down and calm  
"Y...yes I think I was just thinking loud" banner said looking away so Thor don't expose his worry and lies  
"Here, drink this" Natasha said giving Thor a cup of coffee  
"Why are you sad?" a familiar voice asked quietly  
"Oh Jesus, Loki, if he continues showing like this I'm definitely going to have a heart attack, " Tony said putting his hand on his chest  
Loki was standing in front of them holding a book and some papers looking at Thor waiting for an answer  
"Oh Thor I think he is waiting for you to answer him," Tony said  
"I know but this is strange it is not a memory it is a copy with its own thoughts," Thor said staring at Loki  
"So you should be careful of what you say we don't know what it may do or remember" banner said warning Thor  
Thor sighed and said "nothing Loki"  
I'm sure you did something reckless like always "Loki grinned to him  
"What? no I didn't " Thor said quickly defending himself, Tony couldn't hold his laugh neither did Clint, Thor was like a boy caught by his father doing something wrong, the rest just smiled a little  
"Alright you oaf but don't come to me for help after that, hope father caught you this time " Loki smirked and sit down preparing to read  
"Oh god Thor who is the older one here, " Tony said bursting into laugh  
"Stop it, Tony," Steve said but he couldn't hold himself too  
"Even you captain" Thor whined  
"Sorry Thor, but Tony is right, " Natasha said smiling  
"Lokii" Thor parked  
Loki flinched a little; he was concentrating on what he was writing when Thor blew at him  
"What you oaf?" Loki said in anger looking at his papers then he was shocked for a little before he shouted" Oh no, you didn't"  
"Great that exactly what I need right now " Thor said in desperate voice  
"What? What happened?" Tony said looking to Thor then Loki  
"Loki I didn't mean to ...you will solve it again easily" Thor said quickly  
"It took me a week till now, all this work is nothing now" Loki said sadly and disappeared  
Thor sit down covering his head with his hands he looked so desperate  
"Even with a copy of him I still make things worse" Thor said  
"He left his things here" Clint said  
"What was all of that about? Why did he get angry with you "Natasha asked  
"I should know, he was studying, he was concentrated, he really doesn't like anyone to disturb him during this" Thor said and sighed  
"Studying?" banner asked  
"Aye complicated things it must be to take a week from him to solve"  
Tony couldn't help being curious he started to read it soon banner joined him  
"Holy crap is this what I think it is?" Tony said in shock  
"Yes I think it is but how? No one ever figured this out "banner said looking impressed  
"Thor your brother is a real genius," Tony said  
"Could anyone explain?" Steve said  
"You really want to hear this? It is pure science AKA boring for you guys "Tony smirked  
"Try to make it not boring then" Natasha said sitting down  
"All right you ask for it, it is a theory in particle physics actually, he is talking about antimatter"  
"And what is antimatter?" Steve asked  
"Antimatter is the extension of the concept of a particle anti article, where antimatter is composed of opposite particles in the same way that comprise the regular article of molecule"  
"In English Tony," Natasha said  
"what Tony means is that antimatter is material composed of antiparticles; which have the same mass as particles of ordinary matter but have opposite charge" banner explained

"Exactly Antiparticles bind with each other to form antimatter, just as ordinary particles bind to form normal matter. For example, a positron (the antiparticle of the electron) which is electron with a positive charge  
And antiproton (proton with the shipment is negative) can form an antihydrogen atom "Tony said excitedly  
"And what is an antihydrogen atom?" Steve asked  
"Antihydrogen is the antimatter counterpart of hydrogen. Whereas the common hydrogen atom is composed of an electron and proton, the antihydrogen atom is made up of a positron and antiproton" banner said  
"And these entire things are already known or Loki figures it out?" Clint asked  
"No, we know all of this it is just an introduction," Tony said  
"Just an introduction right, who want some coffee?" Clint said looking confused by all these information  
"A big one please, " Thor said he was completely lost by now  
"So what did Loki figure out?" Natasha asked  
"see antimatter is theoretically known for this (All materials around you now can have an antimatter, laptop and Office Chair and a glass of water and your colleagues at work, even you have an antimatter as a copy, but it is not, since this discovery, scientists could produce hydrogen atoms and helium atoms, if exist the article and the article against them in the same place will lead to a patio, huge energy production " Tony said

" Such as an electron and an electron anti has called the Positron, if you shake hands you and anti-copy for example, Both of you will perish immediately and this enormous energy blast may exceed 20 times the energy that launches the rocket" banner said

" But in the end, everything produced for 25 years so far of protons anti if merged with the original protons, it would produce enough energy to heat a cup of tea!" Tony explained

"Initially when the universe was younger and hotter, the power that was available at that time was supposed to create material and antimatter in equal amounts, however, today, being the material only" banner said

"Antimatter cannot be stored in a container made of ordinary matter because antimatter reacts with any matter it touches, annihilating itself and an equal amount of the container. Antimatter in the form of charged particles can be contained by a combination of electric and magnetic fields, in a device called a Penning trap. This device cannot, however, contain antimatter that consists of uncharged particles, for which atomic traps are used. In particular, such a trap may use the dipole moment (electric or magnetic) of the trapped particles. At high vacuum, the matter or antimatter particles can be trapped and cooled with slightly off-resonant laser radiation using a magneto-optical trap or magnetic trap. Small particles can also be suspended with optical tweezers, using a highly focused laser beam" Tony said so fast explaining to himself

"Hey easy there you make it worse, banner please translate this to English, " Clint said holding his head

"what Tony meant is that the antimatter is a dangerous material can only be stored in specific containers but still the probability of risk high as it has the ability to destroy itself and the container causing fatal destruction "

"Thank you banner, see this was easy not what you said" Clint smirked

"And what exactly Loki did?" Natasha asked

"What if the container was made from another antimatter so the antimatter inside it won't react with as it is almost the same, you can't destroy what is made from you, that what Loki figured out," Tony said

"But don't they probably try this or think about it?" banner asked

"You can't even control it so how you think even of making a container from it? Natasha said

"exactly here comes Loki's part he found a way to combine his magic with it so he can control it and shape it into a container form, his magic reacts with it in harmonically way as if they are one thing " Tony explained

"So now we could have a safe stable container to preserve the antimatter and control it too, oh my goodness this is ..."

"Genius I know" Loki smirked interrupted banner "you mortals become cleverer that is interesting," Loki said smiling to them

"Now he sees us too great," Clint said

"And you modest too " Tony smirked

"Well, yes of course" Loki grinned

"Are you still angry with me brother?" Thor asked

"well, no Thor I was just in a bad mood " Loki paused then said " and I really wanted to see the look on your face you always make when annoying me terribly" Loki grinned at him" oh and that is mine I presume thank you, " he said taking his notes then vanished

"How old is your brother really...five, " Tony said laughing so hard .they stared at each other for a second then they all burst laughing until they cried from it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why the hell i wrote this chapter :D guess i just wanted to see my genius loki and show off Tony ugh he gave me headache but Bruce was nice to explain :D


	7. storms will race in

It seemed like they are in vacation no new threats, no enemies, nothing at all, it was creepy, all this quiet and peace is a new thing for them and feeling that something is going to happened keep hunting their thoughts it was like an untold agreement that this is definitely the calm before the storm   
Steve told them that they must train every day obviously he didn’t mean clint or Natasha they don't do anything except practicing so he need to keep an eye on the rest especially tony he always has an excuse to skip it they sometimes had literally to drag him to the training hall , banner don't need to practice really the other guy is always ready to smash anything so his job was to keep an eye on loki ,whose copies didn't appear for a while now and this made thor in a fickle mood though clint was the one with the most benefit seeing loki always make him angry and unstable   
Tony was in his lab when Jarvis informed him that the cap want him in the training hall now   
"No, this is torture not everyday why I should even practice I wear a suit for god sake"   
"Sir he insists you go or he will come to get you"   
"Fuck, alright tell captain mom that I'm coming" tony smirked   
When he arrived there was no one except him   
"oh that is evil fool me to come up early , oh cap you owe me a lot "tony hissed , he sit down waiting for him to come planning how to kill him and then go to sleep when he realized he wasn't by himself now almost, another copy showed a fighting one he thought from what loki was wearing just a dark jeans and green shirt his long dark hair was tied up and he started to practice wasting no time he looked so serious no place for playing here tony thinks "was it always like this for him training his ass hard to become a worthy warrior ,thor said that he practiced for hours every day ", he was good no he was much more than good seeing him combines his magic with fight methods just blew his mind creating daggers from the air , shooting arrows he was like a Spartiate warrior   
"Look cap tony came early for the first time in history" Clint mocked   
"I was thinking of killing you but I have to thank you, I may won't have another chance to see this scene" tony said pointing at Loki   
"What the hell? What is he doing here?" Clint said annoyed of seeing him again   
"No no, this is really interesting the fighter copy is good as hell" tony said in appreciation he really started to like this guy "this is bad "he said to himself pushing the idea   
"Well let's sit down and watch it won't be a problem" Steve said sitting next to tony giving him coffee   
Clint and Natasha just stood watching they touched their guns every minute ready for anything might happen   
Loki continued his training trying to make new moves and tricks, no signs of exhausting appear on him   
"He is tough I must admit" Steve said   
" For How long now?" Clint asked   
"Two hours till now and nonstop at all" tony said excitedly amusing himself by the look on Clint's face   
Thor arrived after a while he was content to see Loki again   
"Brother" Thor said loud and everyone flinched for a second   
"Jesus Thor you and your brother you will be the reason of my death " tony said taking his breath   
"Sorry stark " Thor said with a smile walking towards Loki   
"Come back here you will end the fun " tony whined at him   
Thor ignored him," good morning Loki"  
Loki stopped but didn't look at Thor; he moved very fast and kicked Thor throwing him to the ground "you are late" Loki said quietly   
"You ask for it brother " Thor said attacking Loki but he was fast enough to skip it   
"Oh this will be fun" tony shouted   
The fight continued between the two brothers Loki was fast but Thor is stronger and with the molinjor leaving only loki with small chance of winning   
"He is going to lose" Clint said pleased with the idea   
"Nah, this is a memory not a copy so it can use more magic powers I guess   
"I agree with you, look" Steve said when Loki make many copies of himself surrounding Thor   
"Not again" Thor said looking worried  
"Again?" Loki asked looking confused and distracted for a while giving Thor the opportunity to attack using the molinjor and its power destroyed all the copies, but Loki didn't move at all as he was frozen in his place   
"Something not right" Natasha said looking alerted   
"Loki are you alright? Thor asked approaching him   
"You said again!! Why? "Loki asked 

"Nothing brother, we fight alot and you did it before" Thor said with a fake smile and looked away  
"No thor I didn't use it on you before" Loki was shut by a strong headache he leaned to the wall prevent himself from falling   
"Loki" Thor said rushing to hold him "what is wrong?"  
"I remember everything" Loki shouted jerking from Thor away   
"What... what are you talking about?" Thor looked so worried he kept looking at his friends   
"Thor what is going on?" Steve said heading to them and followed by the others   
"No stay away, whatever Loki did, do not interfere, understood" Thor said firmly   
"This is awkward I think we are in the middle of something personal here" tony said   
"But we won't leave him alone" Clint said quietly   
Loki looked like someone just had punched him in the face then he exploded "I...I remember this, we had a fight like this before but it wasn't practicing it was real you were shouting at me you kept saying this madness loki stop but I hit you with father's spear …what?... how did I get it ?thor answer me"   
"Brother please listen you are confused calm down, this was the past and it ended why to remember it again" Thor said he didn't wanna this again   
"I need to know, I used this trick on you we were on the bifrost yes and you used your hammer to stop me you put on me holding me to the ground" Loki said looking shocked he didn't believe all this   
"Loki enough" Thor parked at him   
"No I won't…you destroyed the bifrost I begged you to stop but you didn't listen and we both were thrown by the impact but father grabbed your hand ...I said that I could have done it!! Done what? No no "loki kept repeating it tears gathering in his eyes he knew the truth   
"Loki please brother calm down" Thor said approaching him   
"noo stay away of me you betrayed me, you all lie to me all these years why, all these years trying to prove that I'm a worthy son and what I get? father..Noo Odin telling me no Loki, just this simple what did he expect from me you lie about who am I? No, what am I? you shouldn't did this you shouldn't noo" loki cried falling to the ground hiding his face with his hands pushing away the tears"  
"Loki please father did it for your own good you know that we love you we are your family and no one can say anything but that father and mother they love you"  
"Really" Loki said quietly   
"Of course Loki do you doubt that?" Thor said   
"Did you mourn?" Loki said looking into his eyes with emotionless face, Thor felt cold in his back, not again why always this question   
"We all did" Thor said   
Loki hide his face again and his body was shaking they thought he was crying but an insane laughter broke the silence   
"Loki" Thor put his hand on Loki's shoulders   
Loki's eyes was all blue again " wouldn't you ever stop lying to him" his voice was cold like ice, he stood up with this crazy smile on his face staring at his hand " but don't worry I told him everything ,how all asgard celebrated the all mighty thor and how his glorious father make a great feast on your honor forgetting that his own son suicide in front of his eyes as he by all his wisdom telling a zero confidence young man that he is not a worthy son" loki parked in anger his eyes were green for a second only one second but it was enough for all of them to feel their hearts aches in sorrow " you all betrayed him broke his heart you should have seen his face when I showed him all the truth boor guy he cracked he refused to speak even to me his only true friend "  
Everyone was shocked by all this facts what Loki suffered they don't understand anything now at all   
"Who are you? And what lies did you tell Loki? Answer me? "Thor shouted viciously  
" I'm the one who grabbed him from his endless falling I helped him took care of him I showed him the truth I'm his true friend and his only family now " his voice was cold and thick and there was drops of sweat on his face he looked like the first time they saw him   
"How dare you say that you are his family? He is my brother, son of Odin and prince of Asgard "thor was angry preventing himself from tearing whoever that was   
Loki laughed again "prince of asgard and Odin son your words make no sense now in fact I let you talk to him again you make me feeling bored   
Loki gasped breathing heavily then fast as he was holding it when he opens his eyes they were green again but almost red from crying he said in a weak voice " you know I really don't care if I woke up again or not but remember my words If I woke up again you will see me fall over and over until I'm dead for good this time " loki hissed at him and disappear 

"nooo , he is lying to you loki " thor shouted sitting on the ground ,thunder was the only thing you can hear he was angry they never see him like that before ,he was dangerous now , Natasha sit beside him and hold him tightly she knows at this moment thor was weak he needs someone to tell him that he is not alone " listen thor you are not alone I'm here with you we are all here with you and we will help you making things right again you must be strong if not for you then for your brother he needs you now more than ever " thor didn't say anything just put his head on her shoulder closing his eyes   
The silence didn't last so long as alarm sound went out with one specific code the "Green hulk" code ….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it :D just tell me what is your thoughts ♥


	8. Once I was real

When did all this start? I don't remember ,maybe since I was a child I grew up in thor's shadow until one day I turned into a shadow, an empty body without a soul , the one thing kept me alive is the look in their eyes sometimes it is disrespect, sometimes it is hatred and the worst: pity, I was the weak one, so different than any of them this look kept me alive till the day I can say that I'm not a shadow that I'm a worthy son more than thor, I tried so hard but in my heart I know I failed myself .  
I only wanted to be his equal to be treated like him with all respect , admiration and love , I didn't hate thor I never did, I always looked up to him as my big brother, who is sometimes no more than an arrogant and fool never thinks before doing something stupid but I loved him, stood with him, protected him, but he never treated me like his equal, no always his little brother less than him in everything "know your place brother " he kept saying this to me, I know my place I'm your brother your true friend the one who would fight for you till the end but no you preferred your friends on me believing every word they about me that I envy you, jealous of your success, well brother since everyone believed their lies why shouldn't I make it real   
" Good boy now you begin to understand , I only wanted to help you loki " his voice was hoarse but still cold it make him shivers ,he couldn't see him but the voice was so close to him   
"What do you want, aren't you satisfied with all you did to me? what you made me do?, wasn't that enough? " Loki said in pain   
"You stupid boy, I only did this for your own good, to revenge your pain"  
"Why? I didn't ask you to save me or help me you should had left me to die "loki shouted   
"No, you are my friend …our friend and you don't want us to be angry with you Loki"  
"How dare you threaten me?"  
"oh loki I'm not the one who threaten you ,you know me I'm patient I prefer persuasion with words but he won't be pleased with this and you know how he reacts when someone make him angry or did you forget " he said quietly touching loki's face with his unseen hands it was cold even for loki ,he flinched viciously remembering what happened before they are trying to control him again forever this time ,it was painful all these memories and thoughts he couldn't bear it screamed over and over but no one could help him now, he heard all of them laughing at his weakness father, mother, thor calling him weak, pathetic ,frost giant shouting at him to shut up no one wanted to hear you, no one care, you shouldn't speak you filthy runt   
How long did this torture last days...months...years he didn't know ,they never get bored repeating this over and over he screamed until his voice failed him and gone, his eyes are useless what benefit of them in this endless dark   
This was the end...his end he should have known that his destiny was to die abandoned in the cold ,this is his real birth right to die alone abandoned hated by everyone, no reasons now to fight back or struggle for his life or his own freedom it was over he confessed it with one single tear .  
Banner was gone for only five minutes when Jarvis told him that loki vitals are slowing down , he rushed back again but then he noticed he wasn't dying he was awakening up   
"Oh god, Jarvis inform the rest quickly" but there was no response   
"Jarvis"   
"Answer me"  
He was all by himself now with the other guy of course he can feel him trying to take control   
Loki woke up and banner hold his breath from the surprise ,he sit on the bed just staring to nothing breathing heavily ,banner felt the cold, the temperature went down fast he looked stunned, then anger appear on his face he was panting now looking around looking for something then his eyes focused on something and start moving towards it slowly with shaking legs ,banner freaked out he was going towards his tools might be used as a weapon in need, he now felt the other guy coming out without invitation like always ,loki didn't care or maybe he didn't notice him at all he hold a scalpel he kept looking at it for a while then he turned looking to banner who was now almost hulk he smiled at him then started to cut himself many times hulk grunted at him and started destroying almost all the equipment around them ,loki stopped for a second then he cuts his wrist ,hulk stared at him while loki was cutting his wrist over and over trying to do the same thing to his other wrist ,hulk moved towards him taking the scalpel from him throwing it towards the wall loki just stood looking blank then he started to laugh insanely rising his hands in front of his face watching the blood the laughter turned to cry and sob hulk hold him and sit on the ground keeping loki in his arms   
"Hulk here …loki no cry ...hulk sorry ...loki sad" hulk kept saying this to Loki when doors open suddenly and the whole team rushing in ready to fight   
"what the hell " tony said looking to the destruction around them when he noticed hulk in the corner holding loki he was so small in hulk’s huge hands and there was blood around them   
Natasha moved slowly towards hulk   
"Hulk, it’s fine calm down now you don't wanna hurt anyone here" Natasha said softly   
"Hulk not angry...hulk sad"   
"Why sad?" Natasha asked   
Hulk turned to them letting them see Loki in his hands he was unconscious with really bad cuts in his hands and his wrists won't stop bleeding   
Natasha panicked "hulk you must calm down now and give us Loki so we could help him"  
"Shit shit, Jarvis prepare the other room fast" tony said moving closer to hulk  
"Hey big guy give me Loki now " tony said trying to make his voice calm   
Hulk nodded giving him to tony then he started to calm down and banner showed again with torn clothes   
"Where is loki?" he said panting   
"In the next room" Natasha said going to the other room he passed her running to them   
"Need any help?" banner asked tony   
"Hell yeah take care of the right hand and I'll go with this one"  
Banner nodded starting to clean the cuts from the blood and stitching it, after an hour they were done tony crushed on the chair taking his breath and banner went to wear some proper clothes when he returned no one asked him what happened as they knew that this was going to happen waited for anyone to explain   
"he really meant it he always does what he want despite anything else " thor said still doesn't believe all of this putting his hand on loki's face removing his hair back away from his eyes   
"Was…was he saying the truth?" Clint asked   
"Noo…I don't know he never said anything or complained I thought he was happy why he didn't tell me?"  
"You fought with him the last time you saw him right? Why?" Steve asked   
"It is a long story" Thor sighed   
"And we have all the time in the world" tony said sitting down   
"alright , it started in my coronation day some of our enemies the frost giants managed to broke into our weapon hall but they were destroyed immediately I was very angry how dare they come to asgard, father told me not to do anything , loki too tried to stop me from going in his own way of course, I managed to convince my friends the three warriors and lady sif to accompany me to avenge their insult it didn't take any effort to convince loki he always goes where I go, after that I knew he ordered a soldier to inform our father, after we reached jotunheim home of the frost giant the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, they were stronger than us I led my friends and brother directly to death one of them got really injured and I didn't even noticed what was happening with loki I left them and continued fighting ,loki took the responsibility of saving them he rescued them from death many times he was this close to die but then we couldn't fight any more their number excel ours, father interfered taking us back to asgard clearly peace between us and them finished I fought with father loki was there too but he looked lost and silent, unusual for him but father and I were really busy fighting it ended with father taking my powers banishing me to here last thing I saw was loki running towards me panicked "  
"Then what happened?" tony asked   
"What I know that Loki fought with father and father got ill going into odinsleep to recover and Loki became the king, my friends asked him for me to come back but he refused saying it was father last decision and he can't change it"  
"Why he refused? I don't get it?" banner asked   
"see loki was the one who let frost giant into asgard from the beginning I really don't know why he did it but I think he was convinced that I wasn't ready to become the king so he led them directly into our most important place and it was just the beginning he didn't agree on my banishment but he thought it was good for me to learn a little lesson about responsibility and power " thor said   
"So he only wanted to give you a lesson but by the hard way?" Clint said   
"Yes I think he did I really learned my lesson "thor confessed  
"But something went wrong right?" Natasha asked   
"My idea of killing all the frost giant was stupid yes but Loki tried to make it real the difference is that his way was more efficient than mine" Thor said   
"One stupid idea and two insane brothers you tried to erase a whole race and failed Loki tried too did he made it? " tony asked shocked by the idea   
"in this point loki started to become different, he first visited me here telling me that father is dead till now I don't find an excuse for him saying this, then he send the destroyer to stop me from coming back and ended by him fighting me, he almost lost his mind he was angry about something I noticed it when I came back he was with mother she was trying to calm him down saying to him that father did it for his good only, but loki didn't listen to her and kept saying he should have told me from the beginning, he was hurt and angry and I was on his way " thor sighed   
"So you show up in front of an angry man who was almost about to kill an entire race...what did expect from him a hug?" tony smirked   
"No he just threw me out of the window" Thor said   
"Ooh join the club buddy "tony said" is it a hobby for your brother throwing people from windows" he smirked   
"You already know what happened next" Thor sighed   
"Something is missing here there no reason for him to let go your hand and fall" Steve said   
"You are hiding something don't you?" tony asked   
"It won't change anything, it is his secret and he is the only one with the right to reveal it" Thor said firmly   
"What? That I'm a monster "loki said   
It was another copy of him appeared next to Loki looking at himself   
"Loki please you are not a monster how many times I have to say this " Thor said desperately  
"Monster or not it really doesn't matter anymore everything is finished"  
"What do you mean?" Thor said his voice was shaking   
"You can't save him anymore, he is dead maybe his body is still alive but his soul died…. his soul, thoughts, memory they are all gone last time I saw him he could barely remember his name " loki said putting his hand on loki's hair   
"What?" Thor asked approaching him   
"oh yes , being left in a dark room alone for years only visited by the most people you cared for only that they were hating you remembering you of what you are a filthy runt oh that what Friga always called him when she visited him, no need to say what Odin told him even you, he hated them shouted at them but they don't get bored you know then he cried a lot begging them to stop, he begged to die every single day when I visited him it took me only a few minutes before he cracked screaming and sobbing, so pathetic then in the end he shut up forever, you really should have left him die, you only make him suffer this way he is the only game we have you know "he said laughing and disappeared before thor can get him   
"You son of a bitch " tony parked leaving the room he needed a drink he wanted to destroy something anything   
At the same time there was thunder and strong sound of something or someone landing on the roof a woman showed up, a beautiful lady with golden hair dressed in asgardian clothes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, writing this gave me depression though :/


	9. lullaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my exams start next week so i won't be around :/ i'll try to update it in my free time :D it sucks to be med student ugh :(

"What the hell" tony shouted staring at the woman appeared from nowhere "who are you?" he asked taking a step back   
"I'm Friga queen of asgard" her voice was warm and deep   
"you are thor's mother " he said in shock looking at her , she was young to be their mother she has this golden hair which remind him of thor and her eyes and style somehow reminded him of loki   
"Where is thor?" she asked   
"Shit" he told himself, he didn't realize that he was staring at her, one more awkward moment he thought   
"Oh, sorry, pleased to meet you" tony said feeling overwhelmed   
She nodded to him and smiled a little   
"Thor, right, follow me please " tony said guiding her   
"Thor" tony said loudly "you have visitor" inviting Friga to come in   
Everyone looked at them surprised   
"Mother" Thor said rushing to her, he hugged her tightly he needed her now more than anytime ever   
"Oh my child I missed you eagerly "she said softly rubbing his hair   
Everyone felt the love and warmth in the air a mother only can bring this feeling they watched this with longing and little sadness they can't have this feeling they lost it long time ago   
"She look so young to be their mother" tony said quietly but for his luck everyone heard him clearly, Steve nudged him to shut up   
Thor smiled at her and says "indeed, the most beautiful woman like loki always used to say"  
Mentioning his name with enough to Friga she felt tears gathering in her eyes her heart was aching she put her hand on her heart looking to Thor   
"Where is he thor? Just let me see him "she tried to make her voice strong but came out with all her sorrows and love she was weak without him   
Thor holds her hand tightly trying to strengthen her and took her to loki, she closed her eyes for a second worried of what she would see and how is he like now, when she saw him she gasped in horror he looked so small and fragile with all his arms bandaged the look on his face only she can see it he was suffering   
"loki" she screamed running to him , she hugged him crying on his chest listening to his weak heart beating " oh my baby I missed you so much " she said holding his hand near her heart she kissed his forehead   
His frame was so small she felt her heart pleading for him, she remembered how he always got ill as a child and she stayed with him singing him a lullaby so he could sleep he looked so much alike this child now she leaned at him and started to whisper him some words and rubbing his hair, she was singing him the lullaby she used to sing when he couldn't sleep from illness in his childhood, forgetting anything else, she is now with loki and this all what matters her   
Thor smiled at her and left the room soon followed by the rest   
"She really love him so much" Steve said quietly   
"yes" thor said then added " so did he, she was the only person loki trusted and loved more than anyone even after what happened after that day despite everything he went to her he wasn't angry she told me he wanted only her to still love him, stupid he didn't know that she could give up everything to just see him smiling one more time " thor said   
"He wasn't the smiling type right" tony said   
"That's true it wasn't easy to make him smile and to make him laugh you need a miracle and that was our mother always find her way to his heart ""when he...died the bright in her eyes gone with him but now it's back again " thor said with a small smile   
"Thor" Friga said her voice was shaking   
"Yes mother, what happened?" he asked noticing the worry in her face   
"I can't feel Loki …I hold him in my hands and just can't…why I…I can't feel my own child?" she cried leaning to the wall   
Thor just stood shocked and said "what…what do you mean you can't feel" his voice was weak and shaky   
"loki is gone " tears flowing from her eyes ,thor ran toward her holding her looking lost can't believe this " I lost him again why all this happen to me in the first time didn't have the chance even to see him and now he is dead in my arms noo why you did this to me thor ? Why you let me see him all I see now is my baby dead and I'll never hear him again why" she cried hitting Thor on his chest with both her hands then sobbing then she fainted   
Thor took her to his room to let her rest then he came back to his friends he leaned to the wall sitting on the floor he felt empty can't see anything except his brother body and hearing his mother voice saying that he is dead   
They all sat in silent, this was too much to handle, banner went to check on Loki but the real reason can be seen from the tears in his eyes.  
Steve went to his room "this isn't fair ,why you let us suffer like this don't you love us aren't we your children ,well your children are suffering here wishing to die every single day if this was the only way to end before they have to see someone else close die in front of their eyes ,it is just not fair " remembering Peggy and Bucky he knows what is like to see your lovers die in front of your eyes and you can't do anything to help them your life stops become worthless nothing to live for he knows what is like to have only memories and some pictures to keep them alive in your mind helping you to carry on help you not to give up...Just some pictures.  
Hours passed and Thor still sitting in same place on the floor it seemed like he was shut off staring to space with plank face but in his mind things were very different….  
"Who do I believe? Mother telling me Loki is no longer here or banner reassuring me that he is still alive? Loki please if you could hear me please you are alive right? You won't leave me again you can't let me live knowing that you suffered that you are angry with me I know you probably hate me now but just give me another chance brother to make up everything right again give me a chance to say that I'm sorry "

They were worried about Thor he didn't move for hours; Natasha sat next to him she holds his hand trying to gain his attention   
"Hey big guy what's wrong? Don't you trust us banner told you he is alive so have some faith"   
"But you heard what mother said" Thor said weakly   
"She is worried Thor this may had affected her feelings doubting her that he is dead"  
"You remember what did the creepy voice said? That Loki's mind is trapped or gone, maybe that is why your mother couldn't feel him "banner said sitting near them   
"listen thor I know it is hard but sometimes we have to stay strong ,to pretend that everything will be ok even if there is no hope ,not for us but for them people we love people we care about knowing they are counting on us we should never let them down " banner said   
"Banner is right you should be strong if not for you then for your mother Thor she needs you to be strong" Steve said looking tired and little sad can only be seen in his eyes   
"Thanks my friends I really don't know what I could have done without you around"  
"That is what friends meant for stand for each other right" tony said winking to them   
"For the first time you really said something nice tony wow" Clint smirked   
"What?! I'm always say nice things "tony whined   
"Yaa right" Steve said laughing   
"Hush did you hear that?" Natasha said try to listen to something   
"What?" tony asked   
"Can't you hear it? It sounds like someone is crying weeping actually trying to make no sound "she said moving towards the sound   
"You just imagining things Nat" Clint said   
"Hush no listen it come from her" she said pointing to a closed room, she opened the door slowly turn on the lights   
"Loki" she gasped, Thor rushed inside the room and they all stood like this for a while   
Loki was sitting on the floor holding his head shaking nervously he was muttering some words like a mantra   
"Monstrosity…worthless...filthy runt"   
His voice was hoarse and weak they could barely hear him  
"This is awful ...why he is saying words like this?" banner said looking sick   
"Loki stop" Thor shouted "stop saying these words"  
"Why" Loki shouted "isn't it the truth isn't this what I'm truly are from the second I was born an abomination left to die"   
"No you aren't, look Loki you are my brother and this is the only thing I know and believe, I don't care about anything else" Thor said pleading at him to stop   
"Stop calling me your brother you aren't, I'm your enemy remember? Filthy creatures blood eager must be destroyed isn't this what Odin told us since we were children "loki cried   
"But you aren't like them Loki at all you know that"  
'Exactly you know why? Because I'm different I don't belong to them I don't belong to you I don't belong to anywhere I don't even know who I am what I am "loki said in pain   
"But you are my son Loki you belong to me" Friga said approaching him   
"Noo...stay away from me" Loki screamed in horror, he was afraid of her   
"Loki what is wrong? It is me "Friga said hurt by his reaction   
"Stay away, Thor please don't let her take me, she...she will do it again like always, brother please " Loki cried curling around himself repeating the same words again then he disappeared   
"He is afraid of me, why?" Friga cried   
Thor hugged her calming her down   
"Loki is under some kind of control, he sees you calling him" Thor paused he didn't want to repeat these words again "calling him filthy runt" he said desperately  
"No" she gasped putting her hand on her mouth "my poor baby, who would do such a terrible thing to him" she said in anger and pain   
"Thor why Loki keep saying you are not his brother? Isn't Loki your brother? I don't understand "banner said in confusion   
"You didn't tell them?" Friga asked   
"No, loki wouldn't love this" Thor said   
"They need to know Thor, they are your friends they have the right to understand, come I'll tell you" Friga said returning to Loki's room, she sat next to him stroking his hair   
They all set around her ready to hear what she got to say   
"Loki is my son no one even Loki himself can deny this but I didn't give him birth Loki is our adopted child"   
"What? And he didn't know that?" Steve asked   
"That was what makes him angry right? He discovered something in the same day of your banishment Thor?" banner asked Thor   
"Yes, while we were in jotunheim somehow he discovered this" Thor said looking to Friga   
"One of your friends volstagg was injured by one of the giant when he touched him" Friga said   
"Yes frostbite" Thor said   
"he warned the rest but it was too late one of them grabbed loki's hand his armor was destroyed by the frost but his hand didn't, nothing happen to him the frost giant was confused so did loki but the frost giant knew better, after your banishment loki went to the savings hall he tried to hold the casket of ancient winters he..He thought he was cursed but Odin was there he told him the truth that Loki is a frost giant "she said looking to Loki with teary eyes she wished she was there with him to comfort him reassure him that he is still her child   
"Oh hell " tony gasped   
"Odin found him abandoned in a temple after the war ended in jotunheim he was left there to die"   
"Geez who leave a child to die this is sick" Steve said   
"Loki was different than any frost giant he was small when Odin held him Loki looked like any normal asgardian child he was unique but to know who his real father was this was too much for him to handle he was laufey son the king of jotunheim"  
"And you wonder why he got all insane, man this is just wrong" tony said in little anger   
"What did Loki said after hearing all this stuff?" Natasha asked   
"he was hurt felt he was betrayed he thought of himself as just another stolen relic oden kept until one day he could make use of it, after this I tried to talk to him he was lost and didn't listen to a word of what I said he just stared blankly something changed inside him something dark he can't control it " she said and some tears fell on her cheeks   
"If I just was there nothing of all of these might have happened I could have saved him from all this suffering" Thor blamed himself   
"no my son it is our fault we should have told him not waiting until he discovered it like this never lose hope I was wrong to think that I lost him and I must make things right again " friga's said firmly   
"Did laufey found out that Loki was his son" Clint asked   
"actually he didn't got a chance to know , laufey tried to kill father but loki killed him first , protecting father was a reason I think another reason was to revenge for leaving him to die " thor said   
"That mean that he still conceder Odin his father" banner said   
"Yes of course, why you think he tried to do all of this? Only to prove that he is a worthy son "thor said   
"And to prove to himself that he is not just a stolen relic, his mind was and still in a deep conflict" friga's added   
"Why you said before that Loki is dead but now it seemed like you find something" Natasha asked   
"I'm connected with Loki by magic but then I couldn't feel it at first I thought he is gone but it is only his magic that is gone and this is more difficult"   
"How is that?" banner asked   
"Loki was born with magic inside him not by learning like the rest, his magic is part of him most important part for him without it he will feel powerless imagine being deprived of what makes you distinguish and completes you " Friga said   
"Oh Common " tony said in disbelief  
"There is a strange power controlling him I can feel it, it is different and strong " Friga said touching Loki's forehead  
"Can you do anything to stop it or control it mother?" Thor asked ardently   
"I'll try my best" then she put a hand on Loki's chest and the other on his forehead and started murmuring some words in a strange language this last for about fifteen minutes when suddenly it was hot around very hot   
Loki started mooning in pain he was sweating heavily his clothes and the sheets all of them were wet then he was shivering badly   
"Jarvis monitor his vital signs now" banner said looking worried   
"His temperature is very high sir and his heart rate is dropping fast unlike his respiratory rate" Jarvis said   
"Fever?" banner asked quickly   
"Yes sir"  
"Thor you must make her stop we will lose him if we don't lower his body temperature" banner said firmly   
"That's impossible you can't just cut a spell it is very dangerous and she knows exactly what to do " Thor said quietly but in a slight shaky voice   
Loki's body started to shake viciously then he gasped and his eyes were wide opened, still blue   
"Stop "he screamed but Friga continued trying to finish it quickly   
"You fools if I leave he will die, don't you get it? He is still alive because of me and only me"   
"Oh shut up don't you ever get bored gosh" tony said impatiently   
"Actually no he is a good toy and I don't give out my best toy this easy you will pay for it remember my words" he snarled   
"A toy "thor shouted" pray that you don't see me again I swear I'll make you beg me to kill you " he barked   
"I can't wait till we meet again " he scoffed " don't worry I'll come back to take what is mine very soon , goodbye " he said quietly then loki's back arched violently before it calmed down again he was now numbed with eyes wide open it started turning into green again but he was still moaning in angst   
Friga sighed sitting near him she was tired but relieved Loki is safe for now   
"Is it over?" tony asked letting a breath he didn't know he was holding   
"Yes I think, for now though" Friga said   
"He is still feverish "banner said "Jarvis reduce the room temperature, I don't know anything about his body physiology but I think he prefer cold right?"   
"Yes being some sort of a frost giant they can't tolerate heat" Thor said   
"Why he doesn't show any signs of being you know alive" tony asked looking at Loki   
He was just starring to the space with a blank face   
"Maybe he is just shocked you know lost" Steve said   
"come , it is so late we all should have some sleep " Natasha said heading to her room it was about mid night they just noticed how tired they were not a long time until they all were asleep well except Friga to look after loki and banner insists to stay with her too   
"Doctor Banner you have my thanks and gratitude for your help you have a very pure soul banner" Friga said smiling   
"Me! Thanks I think I did only my job "banner said blushing a little   
"Indeed you are all of you have something good something pure inside you unless you wouldn't accept to help Loki after what he did" Friga said feeling slightly ashamed of what Loki did   
"At first we were angry and hesitated about helping him really nothing in the world could convinced me to help Loki"   
"What change your mind then?"   
"I was the first one to discover that there is something wrong with him ,I was there when he had his first panic attack it was vicious I felt sorry for him seeing him screaming and crying for thor to help him no one should suffer like that whatever bad things he done "   
Friga couldn't herself much longer she started to cry thinking of all things loki suffered from and still it just broke her heart over and over   
"I'm sorry...I'm soo sorry I shouldn't have told you this " banner said blaming himself she is Loki's mother after all she won't bear hearing this   
"no it is not your fault , it just...I should have noticed this a long time before ,loki was always good at hiding his feelings behind a smile a small sad one I should have known the pain behind his beautiful smile "   
"sometimes we realize the truth late but this doesn't mean we can't fix it, it is never too late you still have a second chance when he wakes up you tell him all what you really feel about him he will understand he is clever and from what thor told us he loves you the most you are the only one he would listen to, and trust " banner said reassuring her with a smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you like it tell me plz :D i need to know continue it or not :P ♥


	10. A Shadow

it was a quiet morning peaceful one, they were all sitting around the table in the kitchen while Steve with some help of Friga were making them breakfast they were close to each other now more than any time before like any normal family except in this one normal is a word deleted from their dictionary they were anything but normal  
After breakfast Natasha offered to make them some coffee and banner went to help her   
Friga went to her room and came back after a while carrying some books   
"I brought these books for loki those are his favorite when we wakes up he will be bored without his books" she said softly   
"Oh mother you always care about him so much, he will be glad with them" Thor said smiling at her   
"The only thing I can do for him now, I'm afraid I have to go back to Asgard your father will return from Vanaheim soon and he must know what happened"   
"Is the bifrost completed? Thor asked  
"No, still needs more time"  
"So how did you come here?"  
"Loki helped me"   
"What? But how?"  
"well not loki himself , after you left I used to spend time in loki's room when I found his diaries " she said showing it to them it was small and mixed colors of black and dark green "loki enchanted it so no one can read it except him "   
"So how did you read it?" tony asked   
"I think Loki knew something would happen to him he kept some hidden messages inside it only people who have a message can read it and read only their part, he left me a message and a map it shows me some hidden passage between here and Asgard only"   
Was it good message?" Thor asked   
Friga sighed and smiled sadly "yes it was but in Loki's way, you know how he was very secretive about his feeling"   
"Yaa, about good ones only but hating me wasn't that difficult for him to express" Thor scoffs   
"No, didn't you get it? He only said this to keep you away you know how he thought about himself he only wanted to stay alone so no one can hurt him and no one be hurt by him "Friga said enraged   
" but he failed he hurt me saying that he hate me that I'm not his brother , he forgot everything that we raised up together played together fought together just that simple as it was nothing " thor irked   
"That wasn't the only thing he said to you Thor right? What really hurt you was his answer heimdall told me everything "Friga said quietly looking at Thor in the eyes   
Thor didn't answer he knew she is right he was the one who hurt Loki who pushed him to say this from the beginning   
"Thor when you asked him if he remembered all of this, do you remember what he said? He said ' I remember a shadow living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss' this was his answer right? So who do you think really hurt the other?"  
"He also said that he should be the king" Thor yelled  
"You know very well that Loki never wanted to be a king, it wasn't Loki who said that, the real Loki told you on the bifrost that night remember? He only wanted to be your equal to be treated like you, and that what we all failed to make him feel this "Friga said sadly   
"You always take his side every time" Thor parked   
"Because he only had me Thor only me "she cried leaving the room   
"Good job thor you really fucked everything up" banner said going after her   
"Even you see that I'm wrong?" Thor said   
"Yes thor you said it before Loki trusted only her and I can see the reason why" Steve said admonishing him   
Few minutes later both Friga and banner came back   
"I'm afraid I must leave now , banner please take care of loki until I return it looks like his own brother won't be able to do this and I trust you to look after him well " Friga said avoiding looking to thor " in my room you will find loki's books and I brought him some clothes too "   
Thor stood in front of her "mother forgive me I was blinded by anger you are right I'm sorry, don't worry about Loki I'll take care of him " he said regretting what he said earlier, she smiled hugging him tightly" I know you will do my dear son, Loki loves you Thor this is the only thing you need to know don't think about anything else" she said kissing him   
"And you all have my thanks and gratitude" she said smiling and a blue mist appeared around her then she was gone   
"Woow how did she do this? Now she is in asgard?" tony said impressed   
Thor smiled and just said "loki"   
Banner holds a book from the package he was always curious about books   
"What is this language? I can't read a single word "banner said disappointed   
"It is our old language most of our books are written in it, what did mother bring him? Let me see"  
Thor started to empty the package "some magic books and scientific ones, look those are written in English" Thor said handling them to banner   
"Oh, science and literature he has a good taste though" banner said quietly   
"Thor look your mother brought you some clothes too it is ...what you called it? Yes midgardian clothes "tony said showing him the clothes "of course no need to know that anything not black or green is for you "tony smirked   
Thor laughed "yes I don't remember seeing him wearing anything not green or black he loved these colors very much"  
"You know green eyes and dark hair he has his reasons" Steve said laughing   
There was some noise like someone was fighting or arguing then Clint and Natasha entered the room, Natasha looked angry and Clint was shouting   
"You son of a bitch, we thought you dead fuck man I even cried for you asshole " Clint parked at someone outside the room   
"Everyone is her so if you have some guts left in you step inside" Natasha said enraged   
"Hey what did I do? You should be angry with fury not me I just woke up from a coma "culson snorted   
"Holly shit" Steve gasped   
Thor said some words in a strange language but from the look on his face they were sure it wasn't nice one   
"What thor said" banner said enraged too  
"What's up guys why are you shouting" tony said entering the room "Jesus, ghost" tony yelled dropping his drink "it is only my second drink and now I'm seeing culson better stop before I see Howard"   
"For god sake tony it's me not a ghost" culson said   
Tony yelped "you're alive? But how fury said Loki killed you "tony said shocked   
Thor started to fidget nervously when tony mentioned this, the man that his brother supposed to have killed him is now standing in front of them   
"I was injured badly but I didn't die" culson said   
"Why are you here now?" Steve asked coldly no one grieved more than him   
"Uhm fury send me he wants a full report about Loki's condition and everything happened" Phil said quietly he was sad and hurt by how the captain treated him   
Thor hugged him almost breaking his rips "son of cul I'm glad you are alive"   
"Uhm thanks Thor I'm also glad to be alive to see all of you again " culson said blushing and everyone laughed forgetting every thing   
"A party then" tony shouted blustery   
"Are you serious?" banner wondered   
"Yes 100% culson is alive and this creepy voice is gone so hell yaah"  
"I'm totally in" Clint said   
"Me too " Natasha said   
"Come 'on guys don't be tiresome" tony whined   
"Ok I think we deserve to have some fun guys" Steve said   
"Yes" tony yelled "thanks man"   
"What about loki?" culson asked   
"Leave him to me" Steve said "come culson I'll explain everything to you just hope I get it right cause it'll literally blow your mind" culson was confused and they all were chuckling   
"God be with you my boy" tony smirked   
"Don't be mean on the poor guy" Natasha said giggling  
Banner was about to leave the room when tony stopped him   
"Brucie where are you going?"   
"To check on Loki and don't brucie me"  
"Why brucie " tony said teasing him   
"Cause its bruce not brucie antony" he said with wry smile   
"Hey don't Antony me " tony whined   
"You don't like it Antony" Bruce mimic him   
"Yes" tony yelled   
"Good" Bruce smirked heading to Loki's room leaving tony boiling   
"Jarvis give me updates, how is he now?" Bruce said checking Loki's pulse   
"Heart rate is fast and his body temperature is low sir"  
"Normal then, good"   
"How is can be called normal sir?"  
"Simple he isn't human" Bruce smirked   
"Jarvis call me if anything happen ok"  
"Right sir"  
He was leaving when Thor suddenly run into him and he fall to the ground  
"Sorry didn't see you coming "thor said helping him to stand   
"Never mind where were you going any way?"  
"To see loki"  
"No need to, come"  
"But..."  
"Come 'on Thor don't worry Jarvis is there he will tell us if anything happen, come the party will start soon "   
"Alright"  
"Did you think you can run both of you, come and give us a hand here" tony shouted at them   
"You know staying with Loki wasn't a bad idea" Bruce said and they both laughed   
"let put some music people " tony screamed , everyone was enjoying their time clint and Natasha drinking and chatting ,bruce and thor eating some pizza ,culson made Steve sign his cards and then they talked and drank while tony was dancing with pepper who came to spend the weekend with them .  
"Hit it jarvis louder" Tony yelled grabbing pepper hand into a dance   
Hold on cos the volume is rising  
Yeah the volume is rising so you better hold on

The night is young  
Until it's over  
Until it's over  
The night is young  
The night is ours  
Until tomorrow  
Until tomorrow

Get ready for it  
Yeah get ready for it  
You said there's only one place left to find  
Together we can save the world tonight  
Get ready for it  
Get ready for it  
Get ready for it  
Get ready for it

The night is young  
Until it's over  
Until it's over  
The night is young  
The night is ours  
Until tomorrow  
Until tomorrow

Get ready for it

I'll hold your hand  
With good intentions  
With good intentions  
I'll hold your hand  
The night is ours  
Until tomorrow  
Until tomorrow


	11. awakening

"Oh this fucken' headache will kill me "tony whined   
"Tell me about it, I see everything two" Clint said stumbling in a chair   
"I feel that I slept for a week" banner said scrubbing his eyes   
"Why nothing happened to you?" Thor asked Steve while holding his head   
"I'm invincible "Steve chuckled   
"It is your wrong Thor no one told you to dare cap on drinking " Natasha said smiling   
"How I know that he could drink all of this" Thor said   
"Yaah you drank all what I have" tony snarled   
"Buy another then" Steve smirked   
"Come 'on boys enough, who wants some coffee now "pepper said   
"Give me all you have" tony said moving towards her  
"Obviously all of us need coffee a lot of coffee" banner said taking his mug   
"There is enough coffee for everyone here, you help yourselves while I check on Loki " pepper said   
"Are you sure? Let me do it" banner said   
"No stay you still hangover, I can do it beside tony told me everything last night " she grinned at Tony   
"Hey don't look at me I was drunk and she is really good at talking anyone into anything, she is persuasive you know "tony said quickly   
"Yep, that is why I'm good at my work very good" she winked at him leaving the room   
"Jarvis how is he ?" her voice was shaking a little being that close to the man who almost destroyed the city not much time ago make her feeling weird   
"His vital signs are normal there is nothing wrong" Jarvis replied   
"Thanks Jarvis" she said sitting on the chair near Loki, she couldn't stop herself from staring at him or moving back the hair from his face   
"You look so calm and peaceful" she whispered "but cold" she said touching his hand   
"Jarvis is this normal?"  
"Yes Miss Potts"  
She sighed looking at him again when suddenly he opened his eyes   
"Jesus" and she yelped backward "you scared the hell out of me"   
Loki moved slowly and sits on the bed without any reaction as he didn't notice her   
"Well this awkward" she murmured "hi my name is pepper" she said waving her hand   
"Hellooo" she said standing in front of him, she moved her hand in front of his face but still no reaction except he blinked   
"Shit, Jarvis call banner quickly" she looked concerned 

"Mr. Banner miss Potts asks for you"  
"What is wrong Jarvis?"   
"Mr. loki wake up sir"  
Banner rushed to the room followed by Thor   
"What did he just say? Loki...oh shit?" Clint shouted following them and the others did the same   
"Loki, can you hear me?"   
"Don't reply just make any move telling us you can"   
"Anything"   
Loki didn't answer or make any reaction at all   
"Loki, please" Thor pleaded   
"What's up guys everything ok?" tony asked   
"Shush" pepper said "come with me" and they followed her out the room   
"What is it pepper?" tony said   
"Is he okay?" Steve asked   
"No, Loki doesn't respond at all like he isn't here or he doesn't notice us"  
"Maybe he is just shocked" tony said   
Pepper shaked her head "it looks like his mind has been shut down" she said not knowing what the hell this supposed to mean  
"How is thor?" Natasha asked  
He is quiet till now"   
"We should be there with him he needs us " Steve said entering the room and so did the others   
"Hey thor how is he?" Steve asked   
Thor just shaked his head looking sad   
"Don't worry he will be ok " Natasha said   
"Don't worry? How exactly shouldn't I worry? Look at him is he ok?" Thor rasped  
"thor please you should be grateful that he is still alive after all he had to get through anyone else would be dead by now you should be stronger and be more patient for god sake " banner said firmly   
"You said he will be fine but all I see is him getting worse day by day, I can't see him like…like this, this too much" Thor shouted leaving   
"Thor, just wait" steve said following him but banner stood in front of him   
"No, leave him, he need to understand and to be alone for a while"  
"But..."   
"No Steve, banner is right he need to control his feelings and use his mind more" tony said   
"Common …ughhh, you really believe this?" Clint snarled   
"What do you mean" banner asked confused   
"How do we know it is not just another game he plays on us?"  
"Damn it Clint, after all of this?! You still think it is a game?" tony said astonished   
"look guys I'm sorry I have my own reasons you all knew them very much ,just seeing him make me nervous and I stop myself every time from punching him in the face "   
"I can assure you clint, he isn't lying see this scans loki's mind is shut down he did it by himself he thought it was the only way to fight whoever controlled him ,he did it in the same day he tried to kill himself "   
"Is there any way to fix this or he is broken?" tony asked   
"It is in his hands to choose to come back or not we will just try to stimulate it"   
"For now the priority is to make him eat, look at him he is bony" pepper said looking at his small frame he was so pale with dark circles around his eyes , whwn was the last he ate she wondered   
"Yes I think you are right" banner said   
"Come loki" she said holding his hand and he moved with her as she was controlling him   
"Geez he is totally fucked up man" tony said quietly and Clint just let out a small laugh  
"clint listen to me " Natasha said holding his hand " I know how do you feel, he is guy who controlled your mind and made you do terrible things but he was controlled too, and much more worse than you and he killed hundreds of people you among all of us should know how he will feel when he finds this out, he is not our enemy our real enemy is whoever did this and controlled both of you"  
"Alright, fine" Clint said nodding to them   
"Helping Loki will help us know who is behind all this got it Clint?" banner said   
"Yah yah, I can only promise not to punch him"  
"And this is enough" Natasha said smiling at him, pressing on his hand and he smiled back   
"Let's go check on them" tony said 

"Common Loki just one bite, anything, gosh " pepper whined   
"Hey pepper" tony said   
"Oh thank god, guys please help me he is refusing to eat anything, look" pepper said holding the spoon in front of his face but Loki is just ignoring it   
"umm leave it to me " Steve said taking some fruit out of the fridge " no one can refuse fresh fruits " he cut some and put them in a plate in front of loki   
"Ughhh this will be a long day" pepper whined   
"No wait look" tony said quickly   
Loki moved his hand wary and holds a slice and started to eat it slowly   
"Steve you are genius" pepper said hugging him and he just blushed  
"He only eats the apple" Clint smirked   
"I'll make him some more then" Steve said smiling   
"Now drink some water" pepper said handling him a glass of water but Loki dropped it   
"Loki" pepper yelped "no problem come" she said sitting him on the sofa   
"New rule only plastic cups from now then" tony said picking the glass   
"Yes he might hurt himself" pepper said helping him   
"Is it only me here or he looks like a lost child" tony smirked   
"Hey don't be mean" pepper said   
"No really I mean it, he holds to you and follow you like a little kid" tony laughed   
"A lazy one too " Clint smirked pointing at Loki who is now sleeping curling around himself  
"Whoa, I wish could sleep this fast " Steve said   
he looked peaceful yet fragile no one said a word but they all felt their hearts aching from how he looks especially Steve seeing him like that reminded him of his old self the one who used to be weak and bullied by all and he wonders how it was for someone like loki to live in asgard among people like thor, he know what is it like to be the weak one but he was and always be a soldier loki is no soldier from what thor said about asgard it only fits to be a big military base fight and wars is their language but for loki, well he speaks a different language   
"Ooh he looks so cute" pepper said   
"What the hell pepper" tony said shocked   
"Shit, did I say this loud" she blushed "uhm I'll get him a blanket" she said fleeing from the room   
"You know he really looks a little cute" Natasha said   
Tony and Clint stared at her   
"Don't look at me, it was you that said he looks like a child after all" Natasha said   
"Okay I'll go training before I shoot someone" Clint said leaving   
"I'll be in the lab praying not beg Clint to shoot me in the face " tony said following Clint   
Pepper returned with a blanket, she covered Loki with it and sits next to him, he was moaning weakly   
"I think he is having a bad dream" she said   
"Or maybe he is just remembering something bad" Steve muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki is awake !! Finally ! Well not sure how thia can be called awake :/ but when ever things were good for loki ? >.


	12. Sharpen your knives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can exchange my life with Loki any day i swear , at least there won't be hell called exams :/  
> Uhm sorry, miss me :p ?

"Hey banner" Thor said quietly looking ashamed  
"Thor, how do you feel now? Better?" banner asked  
"Yes, look I'm sorry I shouldn't shout at you"  
"Don't worry man its fine, I know it is hard"  
Thor smiled at him and said "thanks my friend"  
Banner nodded smiling back  
"Here take this your mother asked me to give it to you when you are ready" banner said handling Thor a book  
"Loki's diaries? But it is enchanted only Loki can read it "thor said looking confused  
"Not all of it, some particular parts is left for you to read it"  
"alright" thor said sitting down , opening it and start skipping some pages until he found his part , he sighed "do I have to read it , he will definitely call me an oaf and fool I know him " thor said almost whining  
"In this case then, read it out loud" Steve smirked  
"Yes thor Com'on" Natasha said  
"fine " he paused a while then started to read " this oaf is going for haunt again not listening to me , it is dangerous to go alone even if he goes with his friends it is not a picnic they might get hurt but no he only listens to them , they already called me a coward and they laughed at me too even thor joined them and sif said that I was just jealous of them because I can't go with them , I'm not , they are idiots leading themselves to death , they don't even have a plan or proper weapons ,when I grow up I’ll show them that I'm better than each one of them , they will be out for a week at least , it's fine I used to stay alone but I'll miss this oaf and his stupid words " thor looked anxious and skipped pages till the last page and continue reading in shaky voice " I hate thor , I really hate him ,then why I care so much about him , I don't understand ,helping him all the time why ? he does not even have time for me only for his friends , he remembers me only when he needs my help on one of his new adventures or haunts , I don't like his friends I never did , they keep making fun of me and when I try to say anything about them this oaf start to shout at me , I hate them all , I feel like I became a shadow no one feel my presence at all, just a shadow no one listens to him , my plans is the reason of all our victories my plans my thoughts without me they will fail at doing anything ,they know this but no always thor is the hero ,this oaf almost dragged us to die many times he is arrogant and reckless , he didn't learn anything from what father told us to be wise to think well before making any decision , no one can be the king after father except this oaf but keeping treating me like this shutting me every time he need to pay for this he need to learn a lesson  
"Know your place brother" I will Thor I will, thanks brother "thor stopped reading and let it fall from his hands  
"Know your place brother, what the hell this even mean?" banner said enraged "his place? Wasn't he your brother or what? Or maybe being future king and surrounded by people praising you all the time make you think you are better than him"  
"Thor how could you say something like this to him gosh you make him feel worthless"  
Tony and Clint rushed into the room wondering what is going on, pepper moved towards them telling them to keep quiet  
"Worthless? Not even enough to describe this; did you really love him Thor? Or just some words you laugh at yourself with"  
"I didn't know alright, I thought he liked to come with us, that he enjoyed it" Thor said almost crying  
"oh yes he did , I think he enjoyed it every time your friends made fun of him and you kept silent , he enjoyed being told to shut up every time he try to say something " banner shouted  
"look thor your mother told us that he always was good at hiding his feelings but this doesn't mean he enjoyed it , one thing I knew from all of this that loki is tough he won't show anyone that he is hurt and that he always takes his right " Steve said  
It was raining outside and the thunder started growling, they didn't know it was Thor's anger or just the storm  
" I was fool alright I know but this won't happen again , no one ever will say a word about him no matter who this person is , I made a mistake and I'm going to fix it " thor said in anger and the thunder boomed again  
No one noticed that Loki has woken up and fell to the ground covering his ears curling around himself terrified of the thunder, he kept moaning weakly and crying so many voices shouting and yelling around him, he tries to shout at them to stop but it hurts even to speak…  
"Ss…stop" Loki cried  
"Loki" pepper said rushing to him holding him tightly he was shaking badly and crying "hush hush don't worry I'm here with you nothing will happen to you " she said rubbing his hair and he was calmed down a little  
"Stop all of you" tony shouted "don't you see?" he said pointing at Loki  
Everything is blur and this headache is killing him, he felt someone holding him tightly but not in a rough way no in a protecting way he can't control his tears the pain is unbearable but then all the sounds are gone why ? he felt her leaving him and moving away  
"no…please stay" loki pleaded but nothing came out from his mouth, he shouted cried but nothing came out  
"Oh brother I'm so sorry "Thor said trying to hold Loki, but Loki jerked away from him covering his face with his hands cursing this dark and his weakness he tried to calm himself down and concentrate something is wrong about him and he needs to figure this out but he is afraid so afraid why?  
"loki?" bruce said approaching him slowly loki didn't even blink making him wonders if he aware of his presence at all  
Thor tries again desperately he holds his both hands tightly trying to keep him calm and not jerking away again yet loki is fighting back trying to move away scared with panic carved on his face  
Loki close his eyes tightly begging them to see again though it burns he opens his eyes the blur starts to fade away but the frames around him still looks blurry at least he can see now he sighed when suddenly a strong hands grab his, preventing him from moving he tried to fight back to release himself from this stranger's arms which feels surprisingly familiar and it hit him, everything come back in a second the voices around him and this face which staring at him the face of the only person he needs now the most …Thor  
"loki , look at me , it's me thor , calm down now " thor said softly hugging him  
Loki tried to call him but in vain just the thought of trying hurts him terribly , this awful headache, him unable to speak, these faces starring at his face all of this make him afraid , thor is trying to comfort him but he can't even him looks so nervous he grabs thor's hand and holds it tightly  
Thor felt his fear and when he held his hand gosh he would trade everything for this to last forever, no, what he really wants is to lay his hands on who did this to his brother he will rip their heart out make them suffer make them pay for every second Loki spent suffering.  
He is angry Loki thought, the last he needs now he needs his brother to calm him down telling him everything will be okay like he always did, he won’t deny it not anymore, the storm is coming , Thunder is all what he can hear now  
“Please brother help me” Loki said without a voice but Thor saw it in his eyes ,eyes once were fill with life fill with dreams now all he can see is fear and pain...eyes full of despair  
“They will pay for what they done I promise you “ Thor whispered to Loki stroking his hair calming him to sleep ...  
"hush it will end soon , remember you used to sit just like this in my arms when we were young , you never liked the storms or the thunder " thor said smiling at him , loki closed his eyes and hugged him back  
"He is afraid of it? Pepper asked putting the blanket around them  
Thor nodded "when we were children he used to come to my room to hide from the storms and I had to spend all night calming him down and holding him until the storms end" Thor said quietly  
"And this continued even after he become older?" tony asked  
"no, of course not, he become only nervous when there is a storm and he will make any excuse to come to my room even if he had to wake me up, I remember this one time he came to my room saying his room is colder and he sat there writing something when the thunder boomed he literally jumped of his seat " thor said laughing bitterly "but now…I don't know"  
"I'm sorry about what I said Thor, we all make mistakes but no one can deny you are a good brother" banner said  
"Thank you my friend" Thor smiled at him then looked at Loki "but you were right I was …"  
"An oaf "tony smirked "sleeping beauty here, was right to call you this "tony laughed  
"I don't understand why are you calling Loki sleeping beauty" Thor said confused looking at them  
"Hey I understand this reference" Steve said smiling  
"Good for you cap" tony said laughing  
"Who will be the prince then?" Clint smirked  
"Is there another prince here except us?" Thor asked he looked lost and don't understand what are they talking about?  
They all laughed so hard, tony couldn't stop himself falling to his knees  
"Man you need to take lessons seriously" tony said  
"it is a children story thor, about a sleeping beauty called snow white , the evil queen put a spell on her and make her sleep forever ,only a true love kiss will break the spell ,then come a prince who loved her dearly and kiss her " pepper explained to thor  
Thor laughed so much till his eyes were teary "snow white, snow and white, evil witch and a prince" he said laughing loud  
"Shit, it really suits him" tony said joining Thor laughing  
"A white pale guy and an evil sorcerer and asgardian prince" banner explained giggling  
"If loki heard this he will turn tony into a real snow white for making this reference" Thor laughed  
"Hey, you the one who make it real not me " tony whined  
"And who do you think will be the prince?" Thor smirked  
Tony thought for a second then he yelled "holly shit, ewe noo"  
"Oh god, I can see it happening, ughhh I wanna forget it now" Clint said shaking his head  
Thor was going to say something but tony immediately said" don't even say one more word, gosh"  
They started to laugh again and Loki moved a little  
"Hush, you will wake him up" Thor said, covering Loki with the blanket well  
“I remember the first time encountered him , and met both of you “ Steve said quietly  
They stopped laughing and looked at him waiting what he would say  
“Uhm, when we arrested him it was a stormy night, I remember there was thunder and loki looked unsettled t be honest i was taken by what looked like fear “  
“ Did he tell you anything?” Thor asked  
“That he just not a fan of what follows it”  
“Oh, even under this mind control he still fear it” Thor said sadly staring at loki  
“Everyone has something to be afraid of ...” Natasha said quietly  
They just nodded shaking what they imagined from their head, fear is what keeps us alive right?  
"He sleeps a lot, don't you think this?" Steve asked trying to change the subject  
"Quickly too " tony said  
"With his state of mind now he is like a child and what we know about them in common they love to sleep a lot" banner said  
"I suggest we start taking lessons none of us ever took care of a child" tony smirked  
“I did it once and I’ll do it again” Thor said taking loki to their room without stopping thinking of how light Loki is and it only made the back of his eyes hurt  
Banner sighed and said" we will try our best ,it is not permanent ,you see what happen during the storm he showed feeling he was afraid we just need to find some kind of stimulus or trigger "  
"He started to eat too just apple for now but this is a good sign I guess" pepper said "like having a child but a really quiet and cute one "she whispered yawning "I'll have some sleep I'm very tired , night guys "  
"Good night pepper" banner said "me too it was a long day " and they both left  
"What about you two? Sleepy too or come practice with me?" Steve asked Clint and Natasha  
They looked at each other then said "practice"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love to mix dark with humour , hell yeah things can go wrong , shit happens but some fun won't harm right ;)  
> See you soon , I hope !


	13. See what I become

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a day off, just to get hit by civil war spoilers -_-   
> Gosh, just to think I've to wait a whole fricken month till i watch it, mekes me wanna cry :/   
> Anyway, long chapter this time so enjoy :D

His screams fill the void , thor ran looking everywhere for any sign of his brother , he can hear him calling him for help , loki never asked for help it must be something horrible ,but where is he ? No the question is where are they? they were in a strange realm ,thor never saw it before it is dark and cold ,there is snow everywhere ,he can only see mountains and rocks , this place is nothing but evil , he felt dizzy and weak as there is something dragging him away ,there was a great light he had to close his eyes he didn't feel anything like there is nothing around him just space and void , he is no longer controlling his body , he can hear loki's voice again but this time it was so close to him as if he was standing in front of him , his body moved and he held something a knife maybe , his hand moved cutting something his eyes finally opened he was slicing a body , loki's body , he can't stop he continued torturing him ,he felt like he was enjoying it laughing madly , loki stopped screaming his face was plank covered with blood but tears never stopped falling "  
"lokii" thor shouted opening his eyes ,he was sleeping ,it was just a dream , just a bad dream thor kept telling himself ,he was sweating and breathing heavily ,then suddenly he remembered everything , the cold place, loki screaming, and… and he torturing him , his face was white and eyes wide opened ,he ran to loki's room but he didn't find him  
"No, no, it can't be true, Loki, Loki, where are you " Thor shouted freaked out  
"over here big guy " this is tony voice thor thought and ran towards the voice , he was in the kitchen along with everyone and loki too was here , he was safe ,thor sighed crashing on a chair  
"Hey thor, are you ok? You look very pale "Steve said  
"Your face is so white did you see a ghost or what?" tony said drinking his coffee  
"Is….is Loki ok?" Thor asked in a shaky voice  
"Yes he is, we just had breakfast" pepper answered him  
“ He was here when I came I think he woke up before all of us “  
"Man you should have seen him eating chocolate cupcakes, he finished all of them" tony smirked  
Thor sighed and looked little relieved, he can still see his brother bloody face on front of him  
"Thor, what is the problem you look terrible?" banner asked sitting on the chair next to him  
"Just a bad dream" Thor sighed and tries to hide his trembling hands  
"About loki right?" banner asked and Thor just nodded  
"Forget it big guy it is just a bad dream, Loki is fine" tony said handling Thor coffee  
"It is not that easy to forget it" Thor said shaking his head  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Steve asked  
"I … I just can't forget what I saw it was real very real that I can still hear him screaming over and over "thor said covering his face  
There was silent no one say anything , pepper was holding loki's hand tightly worried he might hear this though she knew he won’t , thor told them what he saw , it was horrible she felt sad for him to have to deal with such memories , seeing yourself torturing the only person you care for , god this is horrible 

"You sure you never gone to this place before " banner asked  
"Aye, why?"  
"Dreams are usually based on our memories every place we see, we saw it before either by going there or seeing pictures of it or from what we were told about it " banner said  
"You mean that Thor may know this place but he can't remember that?" Steve asked  
"Yes"  
"But I'm sure I never saw it before it is not like any place I have visited before or even been told about it" Thor said  
"Maybe it is not your dream, maybe it is someone else dream " tony said looking at Loki  
"You mean this was Loki's nightmare not Thor's?" banner asked astonished  
"Yes why not, it is not impossible, specially with someone having these abilities, Loki is different from anyone here even Thor " tony explained  
"Thor, Loki was missing for a year or more right? Maybe this is where he was "Natasha said  
"You mean that Thor may know this place but he can't remember that?" Steve asked  
"Yes"  
"But I'm sure I never saw it before it is not like any place I have visited before or even been told about it" Thor said  
"Maybe it is not your dream, maybe it is someone else dream " tony said looking at Loki  
"You mean this was Loki's nightmare not Thor's?" banner asked astonished  
"Yes why not, it is not impossible, specially with someone having these abilities, Loki is different from anyone here even Thor " tony explained  
"Thor, Loki was missing for a year or more right? Maybe this is where he was "Natasha said  
"You mean this was his memory? He was … tortured? "Thor voice was shaking, thinking of his brother being there tortured for more than a year make him sick…sad...angry? He really don't know how he feels about it maybe all of them  
"Hey thor those chitauri has their own realm right? And Loki first appearance was with them so what you saw was their home and Loki was captured by them "tony said  
"you said he fall to space an endless space so he can only be still alive if someone found him and grabbed him , this what the creepy voice was talking about when he said he was his only friend took care of him " banner explained more  
Pepper can feel Loki's hands trembles, colder than usual  
"You remember this?" pepper asked him softly  
Loki didn't answer he was shacking badly and started to hyperventilate, pressing on her hands tightly  
"Loki, loki, calm down, try to breathe slowly" she said rubbing his shoulder  
"No, no, no, not again " Thor cried trying to calm him down  
"Is it something we say?" Steve asked "Did he remember something?"  
"of course not you idiots " a voice said , a voice very familiar they hoped never to hear it again ,but here he is with his blue eyes standing near the door smiling at them  
"You" Thor parked "I'll kill you this time" he said attacking him but he get through him  
"Save your strength, you can't hurt me" he said grinning  
"What do you want?" Clint asked enraged  
"You should thank me you know" he smirked  
"And why the hell we would thank you?" tony asked  
"I only came to fix my toy, it will be boring playing with broken one don't you think " he said and hit Loki with some kind of a blue gaze, Loki screamed falling to the ground  
"Bye, see you soon loki" the voice said coldly then disappeared before anyone of them can even move  
Loki curled on the ground holding his head in pain, he was breathing heavily, this voice inside his head drives him insane and this damn headache , where is he ? And who are all these people? What is happening to him? He is awake or not? Is he even alive!! Thor's voice he can hear him but where is he...  
"Hey stay with me, please stay with me, I won't lose you again, don't even dare leaving me " Thor cried holding Loki, he can feel Loki's heart beats weakens then he gasped opening his eyes  
"Loki, thank god, stays with me"  
Loki grabbed Thor's shirt to come closer, Thor held him closer  
“Talk to me please say anything shout at me, say you hate me but come back to me please” Thor cried hugging him tightly , Loki grabbed him closely sobbing silently before he gasped in pain and fall unconscious again  
“Why you make him suffer? What did he ever do to you?” Thor shouted in pain and anger  
“Come Thor, lets put him in bed and make sure he is alright” Bruce said trying to control his anger 

Silent fall leaving trembling hearts, feeling weak and helpless, they left to their rooms some to think in a way to fight back the pain by sharing it with the only person he can open to....pepper  
Who needed the other ? They don’t know ...both of them needed a hand to hold a voice to hear a heart to share their pain, and who is better than her to fill the emptiness in his soul  
Everyone one thinks they can live alone not needing anyone around, till one moment when the world seemed to fell apart they realise they needed someone by their side to held their hand whisper to them that everything will be okay and they don’t have to face this alone .  
For Tony Pepper was always his safe shore where he ran to hide when his world starts to fall around him and Pepper he was always her strength where she feels safe and home, they need each other simply they complete each other  
And who means life for each other better than Natasha and Clint what they share can’t be described by words, they don’t need to talk to know what the other is thinking....the way they share their pain was unique just like them, spending time practice till they can’t feel anything so they sit leaning to the wall with Natasha resting her head on his shoulder then they start talking letting everything out of their chests ...They only be weak and vulnerable when they are together alone not these cold assassins everyone knew.  
A new day came after a long night thought would never end, Thor spent it guarding Loki in his sleep despite Bruce words to him to have some sleep he ignore them all but when sleep pays you a visit, all you can do is to obey.


	14. Green Scars

Sound of muffled cries broke the silent of the night as the dawn arrives breaking the darkness of this night , Hearing his name be called fading like it came from thousand miles away yet it seemed near ....calls turning to cries and cries turning to unstoppable screams   
“Loki” Thor shouted opening his eyes to the dark, “another nightmare” he muttered sighing in relief didn’t last long as his vision fell on the sight of his brother’s body trembling weakly, he sat next to him holding his body to still when he saw tears pouring from his eyes, he was sobbing silently.  
“everything will be alright I promise you” Thor whispered to Loki who calmed down resting his head on Thor chest who smiled sadly stroking Loki’s hair like their mother used to do to him.  
Like a child holding to his mother afraid of getting lost Loki hang to Thor’s arm refusing to let him go even when they reached the kitchen for breakfast he kept holding him hiding himself behind Thor using his cape when he felt others around them.  
“Hey, it’s okay they are friends the mean no harm to you” Thor whispered to him kissing his forehead calming him   
“Thor, you are early” Steve said surprised   
Thor smiled tiredly looking at Loki whose eyes were red and swollen   
“I barley slept” he sighed   
“What happened ? Both of you look terrible?” Bruce asked  
“It was a long night, he is in pain i can feel it, I had to watch him crying all night long from it”   
“let us don't forget how he was, he is getting better look at him...he started to respond to you, that’s good” Bruce said encouraging Thor   
“At least he won’t miss his mother, look how is he hanging to you” Clint smirked   
“He won’t let me go since he woke up” Thor said smiling   
“Oh, how is my baby today” Pepper said playing in Loki’s hair who hid behind thor from her   
“Did you fell on your head?” Tony said staring at her   
“No, why?!”   
“Then you have serious problem” he yelled at her   
“Don’t be silly.....Why is he hiding from me” she frowned   
“I...he..baby” Thor stammers and his face turned red   
“Lets hope he doesn’t remember this latter” Tony said bursting in laughs   
“Steve, where is breakfast?” Clint asked sitting on the chair, he was sweating and breathing heavily   
“Say it” Natasha smirked   
“No way, I’m just hungry that’s all”   
“She beat you again, didn’t she” Tony grinned   
“Whatever, where is the food?” Clint yelled   
“Easy, I’m making some pancakes it won’t take time”   
“pancakes? You call this breakfast ,I need real food” Clint cried  
“I can tell you why,but then you will be really pissed” Tony smirked looking at Loki  
“Now he chooses what we eat,ugh”  
“Is he going to stick to you like this all the time?” Pepper said frowning   
“Someone is jealous” Tony teased her   
“Me, nah he is not afraid of me , I’m his friend right Loki?”   
Loki jerked back a little holding to thor more, blushing ...Thor tried to make him come forward and leave his cape but in vain  
“My apologise lady pepper it seemed like someone don’t wanna let go of me” Thor said laughing a little   
“well that’s new” Bruce said thinking of something   
“What?”   
“His responding developed a lot, but not enough i wonder how would he react if you left him now”  
“Leave him? Impossible” thor said firmly  
“Just listen, Bruce is right” Tony said   
“And how is that?”   
“All of this happened from small thunder so imagine how would he react in such a big deal for him....You”   
“But this is wrong way wrong, he is not a subject you apply your science on him” Steve said agitated  
“Steve, you know I won’t do anything to hurt Loki, when I suggested this i only thought for what would help him” Bruce said firmly  
“By letting my brother suffer? How would this exactly help him?” Thor said holding loki closer to him   
“Even you can’t deny that what happened yesterday helped him recover a little” Tony yelled   
“Let us think for a moment that i agreed , any idea how to make let him go of me in the first place” Thor smirked   
“oh boy, that’s when things go nasty” Tony said gulping  
“What do you have in mind exactly Tony?” Steve asked suspiciously  
“Go to sleep” he tried to make his voice normal but it came out like a whine, he was actually afraid of Thor reaction  
“And how will you do this exactly?” Thor said agitated trying to control his anger  
“It won’t hurt I swear, just some bills in his food he won’t feel a thing” Tony said moving away   
“Thor please don’t you trust us , forget tony....don’t you trust me?” Bruce said   
“But in one condition, if anything went wrong you will stop all whatever you are going to do”   
“You have my word”   
“And i know where exactly he can stay”   
“Hulk’s safe room, I know” Bruce said quietly   
“Well, what are we waiting for” Tony said excited  
“This a bad idea” Clint said   
“Don’t worry legolas,I know what I’m doing”  
“No, you don’t...neither of us do...don’t you get it, he controls us controls everything” Clint said enraged  
“Hey, easy man...If you want to sit down and do nothing about it go ahead, But I’m not used to give up not yet anyway” Tony said strictly ending any doubts about how serious is he   
“Thor, when you ready join us in the lap” Bruce said leaving after Tony  
“Thor, buddy if you don’t want to do it say it, it’s fine “ Steve said batting his shoulder  
Thor sighed helping loki to sit down next to him of course   
“I’m worried things go wrong, we can’t predict how would he react and that what scares me the most, what if he hurt himself “  
“You have all the right to worry, but for how long would you leave him like this? Doesn’t it hurt you seeing him like this?”   
“A lot” his voice was breaking   
“Then if there is even 1% chance that this would make him better why don’t we take it, his safety is my responsibility too so be sure i won’t let anything happens to him”   
Thor nodded in appreciation taking Loki’s hand and headed to the lap followed by the rest   
Bruce didn’t say a word just pointed to thor to sit there , he seemed busy unlike Tony who grinned at them and his face taking “I told you so” reaction and Clint had hide an eager wish of punching him in the face  
“We made some tests on the samples taken from Loki and bills won’t work on him” Bruce said quietly  
“So in short, needles anyone?” Tony smirked  
“Oh boy , good luck with that” Clint scoffed  
“Follow me if you still wanna do this” Bruce said heading to the room, it was a special designed room with walls made of glass the kind that is impossible to be broken, Thor sighed in relief shaking the idea of putting Loki in a cell which was controlling him from his mind , just a normal room nothing to be worry about he thought looking to his brother when he realised that he is not holding to him like before he was more relaxed though he still didn’t let go of his cape, Thor took a deep breath and hold Loki’s hand walking him to the room , he didn’t know why this reminded him of the nightmare he saw, the scene of Loki screaming appeared blocking his vision when a trembling hand squeezed his weakly   
“Did he felt that too?” Thor wondered staring at Loki’s face raising his eyebrows  
“Hey buddy are you okay?” Tony asked him   
“yeah it’s just that feeling you have in your gut knowing something is not all right”   
“Are we all over reacting or something is really not right? “Steve wondered   
“Over reacting” Tony said holding the needle in front of him “Now, Thor would you make Loki sit on the bed?”   
Thor just nodded taking Loki gently to the bed comforting him with some words while stroking his hair   
“Hold him still would you”   
Tony approached him carefully and take hold of his arm rising his sleeves , Loki jerked a little hiding behind Thor whose job was to prevent him from moving , he held him tightly whispering to Tony to finish it already though Loki was still recovering his grip was very strong that Thor felt the pulse in his arm pumping in claimant way   
“Shit, I can’t find a vein and for god sake hold him still “ Tony shouted worried it’s his only try, and this guy is pale like ghost, where is the fucken vein   
“Stark, I swear I’ll let go of him if you don’t finish it now” Thor shouted in pain trying to hold Loki still but it seems it only made things worse, Loki felt threatened by Tony’s presence   
“Oh, what the hell” Tony shouted entering the needle in a stabbing way and Loki moaned weakly in pain   
Tony sat next to them breathing heavily and sweating felling Loki’s movement calming down and finally he stopped fighting Thor whose face reflected the pain he is dealing with holding his arm   
“Oh thank god I though it would never end, I think i heard the sound of my arm broken” Thor whined   
“At least he didn’t make his knife nails in your hand” Tony scoffed looking at his hand which was covered with scratches and blood   
“Come let him sleep and Thor i think you might need to leave your cape” Bruce said smiling  
“Still holding it!” Thor said smiling at his brother   
“For how long is he going to sleep?” Steve asked   
“6 hours , you go have some rest especially you Thor and I’ll stay with him “   
But...”  
“Don’t worry I’ll be here you go have some sleep you are desperately in need of it”   
“Common even if he slept Jarvis will call us if anything happens” Tony exclaimed  
“At your service always sir” Jarvis said  
“Fine” Thor said yawning tiredly  
When they all left Bruce finally found the opportunity he was waiting to test his theory, something is off about Loki and he will find it out   
“Jarvis, did you run the tests i asked you recently?”  
“Yes sir, and compared them with your notes, you were right sir there is signs of severe damage in most of internal organs “   
“And the brain?”  
“results show facing oxygen lack for quiet long time probably in the past two years but not frequent”  
“And how much damage may it caused to brain functions?”  
“none”   
“Say that again” Bruce said raising an eyebrow  
“No damage recorded at all in the brain nor the internal organs, this is incredible healing power if it wasn’t impossible “  
“No, in his case anything is possible, but what concerns me now is that these results...to hide such severe damage when we first examine him none of it shows but now ...like there is power blocking it and this power is weakened , but if the signs started to show up this could mean an awful lot of suffering”   
“Sir, his vitals are rising i think he will be awake any moment now”  
“Only 3 hours passed he should be asleep for at least three hours more” he exclaimed  
“Not according to his physiological states sir, his body metabolises the drugs in remarkable time”   
“Not a good point in our case I’m afraid” he said gulping “who is awake?”   
“mister Tony is in his lab working and miss Potts at her office”  
“pepper yes she would be useful and tony too but ask him to be ready with suit at any moment”  
“Yes sir”   
Loki’s body trembling slightly and muffled moans came out of him like he was having a bad dream but the truth is that what seemed like three hours for them was ages for Loki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sweet Loki ❤ hope you liked it :D


	15. Hurt By My Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo tired yet soo happy :D today was my mid graduation day wohoo ❤  
> So new chapter anyone ;)

He was back in Asgard again he knew that because he was in his cell it took him minutes to gather his thoughts and the memory flow started from standing in front of the all father accusing him of crimes he didn’t commit to the painful words he had to hear it from him to his brother shouting at him dragging him to fight what seemed like frost giant attack to the scene of his mother killed by a hooded man with familiar hoarseness voice whom looked exactly like him when he took of his veil only difference was his eyes it was blue...  
“I must get out of here, where is thor?” He thought looking around him the place was dark and quiet it is never quiet here he gasped feeling the cold in the air  
“Well, look who is finally awake” husky voice said in amusement” You know for a man who just murdered his own mother i found your lack of guilt remarkable in a sick way even the most heartless monster don’t do what you just did”  
“I....I didn’t kill my...mother” Loki said stuttering  
“Shut up” someone shouted trying to hide the pain in his voice  
“Thor, please you know i wouldn’t do this, you know” he cried  
“I saw you...you killed her in front of me , she trusted you with her life you ...runt” Thor shouted enraged and the light went on at last , he can see the look on his brother’s face pure hatred it was , he really believe he did it but what made him completely lose his mind was who standing next to thor , a frost giant and to be more specific it was laufey  
“What is he doing here?” Loki asked in horror  
“We are alias now right your highness?” Laufey grinned  
“We found out that our enemy is one so why we don’t work together saving the bloodshed of our kin and focus on avenging the one after all of this ...you”  
“What? Thor this is insane”  
“Is it” Thor shouted “Wasn’t it insane when you killed mother? Wasn’t it insane when you allied with the chetuaries helping them invading our realm , they were right when they called you cursed, you brought ragnarok on all of us”  
“Since the day you was born, i was told that you will bring death to everyplace you go and your name will always be written with blood for you are the bringer of destruction and death” Laufey said  
“And for that the All father decided to sentence you not with death but with what you deserve you will be chained to a rock with acid dripping on your face, eating you alive and you will be left their till you miserable life ends” Thor said coldly waving with his hand in some sort of a signal to the guards who directly went to his cell dragging him to his feet then he ordered them to follow him  
The shock silenced him he felt his heart beats racing , he looked at thor begging him to stop this nonsense , the burn behind his eyes started to grow strong he can’t fight it anymore and the tears poured without stop he wanted to cry to shout to scream but he was tired and no one seemed to even care and the only person he thought he would listen to him is the one who is sewing his mouth shut now , funny how the one you always think of him as your protector turns out to be your executioner  
Loki closed his eyes letting his executioner once called brother completing his glorious mission in the eyes of his people who gathered on the ruins of what once was called Asgard celebrating the end of what they thought it was Ragnarok and on seeing him “The death bringer” as they enjoyed to call him their voices risen demanding his head cursing him and wishing him to suffer and runt in hell  
After they satisfied their sadistic lust of cursing him and stoning him they started to leave and after an hour the yard became empty as the night has fallen now his suffering really began he can feel the acid dripping on his face burning him he tried to move to stop it reaching his eyes put it was too late , he screamed in pain only making things worse he felt his lips get torn and blood filling his mouth then he didn’t feel a thing.  
“wakey wakey sunshine”  
Loki opened his eyes in horror expecting to find himself in his cell again only to find himself in a room with walls made of glass, small and cold  
When he looked at what he was holding he dropped it jerking back in fear looking around him..He was holding Thor’s cape , he locked him in this new prison then.  
“You feel angry , good”  
Loki turned terrified, this voice ! Where it come from? Always hearing it, sometimes it’s nice but most of the time he said awful things to him  
“You know I’d be angry too if my brother kept locking me like that, don’t be he didn’t”  
Loki looked astonished of what he heard, he sat on the bed holding the cape tightly with his head buried in it  
“Let me help you remembering my toy” the voice said and Loki felt a slight cold feeling in the back of his head like an electric shock but barley noticed  
It was his darkest nightmare he thought, so many memories, blood and pain....  
“Which is real and which is not can you tell or you are lost “ the voice whispered in his ears singing  
He doesn’t care all what he wants now is to die if his rest is on it, but continue living like this not knowing what is real and what is not, continue living knowing that in any moment he can lose control to a voice wondering who he had to kill next....It was a lot to bear.  
Thor stood there watching his brother in silent, when he knew from Jarvis that Loki awake he came imagining he would find him having another seizure or tearing the place apart he can’t decide whether he felt relieved or disappointed from seeing him sitting in silence like that...he felt hurt maybe Loki didn’t recognise him all this time and he was just holding to the person protecting him that’s all  
But when Loki started to look around himself lost he had to think again, Loki looked sad holding to his cape at first then dropping it with fear on his face, what did he see this time to make him so afraid of just touching his cape? Thor looked away hiding his tears  
“Why is he looking around like that?” Clint asked yawning  
“I have a strange feeling that he is not alone in there” Bruce said worried  
“You don’t mean this freaky voice again do you? ”Tony cried  
“What?” Thor only caught the last part of Tony’s talk, he wasn’t concentrated his mind was with someone else  
“Th..Thor” his voice was weak full of pain and fear, it make Thor’s heart torn to pieces, his brother calling his name how much he missed just to hear his voice again  
“It worked” Tony yelled  
“Can you end this now please” Steve said avoiding looking at Loki, he felt anger this is wrong, depriving him from the one thing in the world make him feel safe is wrong, making a man watches his brother suffering calling it helping him recover is wrong  
“Open it” Thor said in weak voice they barely heard him, he was taken for moments after hearing his brother , he felt everything around him slowing down frozen , the only thing he can see was his the moment Loki fell to the void it was the last time he heard his real brother calling him  
Bruce was about to answer when he heard what make his heart aching in pain, muffled cries which soon turned to loud cries showing how much pain he carries ,the cries became louder and louder  
“Thor” Loki cried covering his face with Thor’s cape,where is he “He left me here alone why?, he gave up on me , abandoning me too” Loki said to himself just thinking if this was the truth broke his heart, he can stand being hated, insulted or tortured by him but leaving him this he can’t never stand, it will be his end..  
Thor shouted at them to open the door at once , he need to be in there with him, Bruce didn’t dare to argue and pouched a button and Thor rushed into the room  
Thor hesitated for a moment don’t know what he supposed to do, he sat next to Loki who seemed not realising his presence yet hiding his face in his cape crying  
“Loki” Thor said in a voice fighting to hide a crying tone  
For a while Loki still hiding his face breathing heavily then suddenly he raised his face staring at thor with red swelling eyes, it was like he is making sure that what he seeing is true  
“Th...Thor” Loki cried hugging Thor sobbing more  
“Hey, it’s okay I’m here now, let it all go now” Thor said in a quiet voice stroking his hair gently calming him  
“You won’t... leave me... right? Y..You won’t... give up... on me “ Loki pleaded holding to his brother tightly afraid of letting go  
Thor stared at him with eyes wide opened then he looked at his friends, he blamed himself for doing this to his brother  
“I will never leave you Loki, you are my brother, my friend, my everything...and I’ll never give up on you ever” Thor said hugging him tightly “I’m sorry” he whispered to him kissing his forehead  
“Don’t leave me” his voice was weak, Thor can feel him slipping away again closing his eyes, resting his head on his shoulder  
“I’m so sorry” Bruce said feeling bad, he wasn’t saying it to Thor he was talking to Loki “I won’t let this happen again”  
“You’re sorry good, cause you two are not allowed experimenting on him again” Steve said firmly looking angry  
“Hey, Thor didn’t mind” Tony exclaimed defending themselves  
“You shut up” Clint parked at him  
“Enough” Thor shouted at them “We all agreed on doing this, so we all take the blame though it was my fault no one else, understood”  
“But thor they” Steve said quickly  
“No, they just suggested it, I the one responsible” Thor interrupted him  
“What matters now, is to know what changed” Natasha said sitting next to Loki on the other side  
“I think we’ll have to wait to know the answer” Thor sighed  
“May I?” Natasha asked not waiting for Thor’s answer, she moved Loki making him sleep with his head on her lap wrapping the cape around him, and started to stroke his hair slowly  
Thor was taken by her but he didn’t refuse or say a word, he felt that somehow she needed this more than Loki


	16. Nightmares

They stayed there, none of them wanted to leave waiting the moment he opens his eyes, Natasha spent the time playing with his hair it was the only girly thing she loves, and since only Thor and Loki are the ones with long hair she chose Loki, it will be awkward if she did this with Thor but Loki is different with him she feels normal,spontaneous ,he is like a child the only thing she can’t have one day, with him feels like she has a chance to try this, play tried to play the tough one all these days watching him doubting him but it didn’t last for long, the night he woke up screaming she heard him first, he was crying like a child, she felt his fear she fought an urge to go to him, she wanted to go to Thor and shout at him how he leaves his brother alone but she saw Tony standing in front of his room talking with Thor, she knew how it’s hard for both of them, one makes him remember his past and the other reminding him of his failure, what Thor doesn’t know is that Loki wakes up every night crying silently since the day he came out from the coma, how she know? Well, she used to stay late at night watching the sky from the balcony and her room is next to his, she isn’t heavy sleeper like Thor, no she heard everything happening in his room and sometimes... Sometimes she spends the night beside him calming him to sleep, she needed someone to make her feel needed and he needed someone by his side even if he can’t say that or feel it   
This was her little secret, a secret that part of it was exposed that day, but she doesn’t care anymore, seeing him like this made her weak in front of her feeling can’t fight it this time, she looked at Thor smiling he fell asleep holding Loki’s hand she was glad that he understood her, like Clint who grabbed a chair sitting next to her, he didn’t speak to her just sitting there making sure she is alright bringing her water and favourite juice when he feels that she might be thirsty   
Steve still angry with Tony and bruce, it only made Tony nervous drinking more than usual despite all Bruce tries to stop him but he kept muttering some words swearing till Steve gave up saying he isn’t angry with them anymore after taking their word they won’t do anything like this again   
Hours past and Loki didn’t wake up yet, they fell asleep in their places tired from waiting.  
Loki’s body trembled for seconds moaning weakly, he might be here but his mind was in somewhere else far away in a place he once called home   
He was running with horror crafted on his face, he kept running from enemy he can’t see, pegging hiemdal to bring him home, minutes passed like ages till he was brought back to Asgard, he stood in front of him breathing heavily   
“you shouldn’t be here, why you came back?” Heimdal asked quietly  
“But...this is my home” Loki muttered   
“Asgard is no home for frost giants, leave before the people found out your real heritage you won’t be only a traitor but an enemy as well”   
“How dare you talk low with me, son of Odin and prince of Asgard” Loki parked   
“Stop fooling yourself, Laufeyson...you are not more than a filthy runt so shut up” his voice changed into another one...one so cold..so familiar, it was him again   
“Surprised?... I told you I control your life, your world....in short I control everything”   
“What did you do to him?” Loki shouted   
“Killed him like I did to everybody else, your mother, father, brother, everyone is dead, can’t you see?” He laughed showing him his home or what left of it...everything was on fire blood everywhere and dead bodies , Loki walked looking around him in horror death everywhere, he prayed not to see certain faces, but he did...he saw his brother body covered with blood he ran crushing beside him, he was still alive   
“Thor, don’t leave me please” he cried holding him   
“You let...this happen...you are the reason...we are dead because of...you” he gasped then his body calmed in his arms, he is dead...  
“I didn’t do this....I failed” Loki whispered jerking back looking around in disbelief   
“This is your future I’ll always control you my toy” he whispered to him coldly and Loki felt himself falling in endless darkness again   
He woke up screaming causing all of them to wake up jumping to their feet, he looked around in fear jerking back from whoever was holding him falling to the ground burying his face between his legs shaking forth and forward   
Thor sat next to him carefully waiting for him to calm down while the others stood worried about him especially Natasha who was still shaking from his scream seeing him jerking away from her   
“Loki” Thor called him gently patting him, he just flinches moving away   
“Look around you brother, you are safe here” Thor said holding his hand tightly   
Loki looked at him for a second before he looked away closing his eyes remembering what he just saw, Thor’s face covered with blood...   
“Look at me” Thor pleaded turning his face to face him again   
“Leave me” he said weakly holding his tears   
“Never” Thor said holding him   
“Why?” he cried   
“Because you are my brother and I’ll never let you go”   
“everyone...dead..” Loki said closing his eyes tightly   
“it was just a nightmare, nothing happened we are all safe, you are safe” Thor said holding him   
“This voice....Can you make him s...stop..please,Th...Thor” Loki said weakly like he found it difficult to speak   
“We will fight him together don’t worry brother” Thor said looking at his friends surrounding them   
“No...You can’t fight him ....He is strong” he cried  
“So are we” Steve said   
Loki continued as if he isn’t aware of them “Just...Make him let me go, I’m...I’m dead already” He said in a weak voice Thor barely could hear him  
“Shut up” Thor shouted at him can’t believe that this is his brother talking  
“You...You enjoy seeing me like this?” Loki cried  
“Why should I be you fool?” Thor said shocked  
“Then help me...” Loki yelled in a husky voice  
“I will but not in this way”   
“What does he want?” Bruce asked   
“This fool wants me to help him kill himself” Thor cried looking away hiding his tears  
“Did he lost his damn mind?” Tony exclaimed  
“No, he lost hope” Steve said sadly  
“They can’t protect you from me, You know this very well don’t you? And you know how to end this” The voice whispered to him  
“Then kill me already” Loki cried in pain   
“What?” Thor asked in shock  
“You know i want you to d it, it is more fun you know” he laughed   
“Fun” Loki whispered staring the void  
“Who is he talking to? Did he lost it or what?” Clint said gasping, looking at Natasha who was holding his hand nervously   
“Listen to me, you stop this talking right now or I’ll punch you i swear of god”   
“Thor calm down for god sake enough madness” Steve shouted   
“How exactly are you going to fight what you can’t see?” Loki yelled pushing Thor weakly   
"Then hurt yourself instead" Thor parked "loki this is madness let us help you, together we can stop him”   
"You can't no one can" Loki screamed enraged , they didn’t see what he saw and he won’t let any one suffer the way he did even if this caused him his life  
Loki tried to stand up, he leaned to the chair pushing himself to stand, he felt pain in every bone of his body, he soon fall to the ground he was desperate and angry but the only thing he did is to cry as it won't cause him pain   
"He took everything from me …everything" Loki said enraged trying to wipe away his tears   
“And still not enough, this became boring how about another game” the voice whispered to him   
“What I ever did to you?” Loki cried hiding his face   
“Is he here? Thor shouted at Loki who nodded silently  
“I feel cold Thor” Loki said weakly feeling the voice control him again playing with his mind “lets start from the beginning my toy"   
Thor grabbed his cape covering him with it holding him in his arms with tears gathering in his eyes , Thor can feel his heart beats falls again, his body became colder and paler   
"Hey stay with me, stay" Thor said holding him slapping him gently on the face to keep him awake   
"I’m...I’m tired of fighting Thor I just want to rest is this much to ask” he said sobbing  
"shhh , it's alright , everything will be okay I promise you " thor said hugging him , loki gasped trying to take his breath but he couldn't the pain was killing him all he can see is blur ,he felt this terrible headache and everything went black ,he can feel being dragged to the cold and darkness again .  
"Hey stay with me, stay with me, don't you dare do it again, no, Loki " Thor cried shaking him, banner pushed Thor away checking on Loki   
"He passed out couldn't endure the pain " banner said sighing   
Thor held Loki back to his room and banner went with him   
"Earth mightiest heroes stood like bunch of cowards useless, fuck" tony said enraged breaking the glass he holds   
"You are angry we all feel the same, but there is nothing we could have done to stop him" Steve said   
"He is right this son of a bitch wasn't even here "Clint said   
"Look at the bright side Loki came back" Natasha said smiling a little   
"If he wakes up again" Thor said frustrated crushing on the sofa   
"Don't lose hope Thor, this time is different he will wake up it is just the pain was unbearable for him he needs only some rest " banner said   
"I know but seeing him suffering like this, god he is just a kid, he doesn't deserve all of this"   
"Kid?" Clint asked "thor get some sleep buddy" he smirked   
"He is only 20 years old you know "banner said quietly "according to our calculation here of course"  
"Shut the hell up 20 you kidding right" Clint said with eyes wide opened   
"But he looks older and his attitudes also " Steve said confused   
"being in a living hell for more than two years change any one or even broke them " thor said in a weak voice "you know loki was never treated as the youngest one among us and even him didn't like this always trying to do everything with us so no one call him a child until he himself forgets that he still a kid"   
"Because he isn't Thor, he is a warrior, very strong one too" banner said quietly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it :D and like they say : hope for the best, prepare for the worst ;)


	17. into the dark again!!

His vision was still blur he can hear the sound of chains tied to him he can feel being dragged by two men, was he prisoner? he tried to concentrate on the scene in front of him he was back home , he was in asgard now though he couldn't see very well yet he noticed being taken to the royal hall he can see all of them waiting for him , his father looked angry so did thor but his mother looked at him with teary eyes  
"Leave me with the prisoner" Odin ordered, Thor and friga left  
"Father ... I"  
"Silence, loki do you confess taking the responsibility for all the destruction you led to Midgard"  
"What?! I didn't do anything"  
"Don't lie boy, your actions speak on your behalf, all this because Loki desired a throne"  
Loki felt angry, he never thought of being the king though he was raised and told that he would become one, was it all lies? Just another lie!  
"It is my birthright" Loki growled  
"Your birthright was to die" Odin parked  
"Then why did you take me, I was cast out on a frozen rock left to die, you should have left me to die" Loki cried  
"I knew this now, taking you was my biggest mistake" Odin said coldly  
Loki tried to stay strong holding his tears "stays strong, stay strong, he mustn't see you weak, never"  
"If I am for the axe, then, for mercy's sake, just... swing it!" Loki said trying to make his voice calm but he failed it came up shaky  
"I wish I could but you will be kept alive for only friga's sake and you shall never see her again, you will spend the rest of your days in the dungeon."  
"I did nothing why you don't believe me?" Loki shouted enraged  
"Silence, do you not truly feel the gravity of your crimes? Wherever you go there is war, ruin and death, maybe the dungeon will help you reconsider what you've done, guards take him away"  
Loki didn't say a word , no one will listen to him anyway but he really did nothing , he can't remember anything , he fall from the bifrost he meant to be dead so how he is still alive and back here in asgard once called his home , now it became his prison locked in a dark cell forever .  
It's been a week now and no one came to visit him neither friga nor thor he knew Odin will make sure that he suffered loneliness here but friga , his mother how could she agree on something like this , he tried to remember anything but all he could remember with blue eyes staring at him and voices calling him a filthy runt , pathetic, weak, forgotten these voices never stopped ,he felt like he lived this before , but this time is different ,this time he won't break down no, now he learned the lesson let them say what they want in fact he don't care anymore and this makes him feels good  
"Oh my toy you finally learned your lesson not all of it but you started" the same cold voice he heard before  
"Who are you? Show me yourself don't be a coward?"  
"We can argue now that's new, you need to learn not to raise your voice on your master boy"  
"My master!" Loki smirked "go to hell"  
"Oh I'll go but not alone, not without my toy, see you soon Loki, enjoy your staying here things will be very exciting soon"  
Loki didn't have a chance to think of what just happened and who is this? As Thor broke into his cell shouting at him "loki"  
"Thor. After all this time and now you come to visit me. Why?"  
"Stop this madness now" Thor parked punching Loki cause him to fall to the ground  
"I missed you too" Loki grinned  
"Do I look to be in a gaming mood" Thor said grabbing Loki up  
"Umm maybe you not but I'm it's boring here you know " Loki smirked  
"An excellent excuse really bringing frost giants again to asgard because you are bored" Thor parked  
"What frost giants? I'm stuck here if you noticed this "loki said  
"Lies, always telling lies, what can't you live without lying? Thor said hitting him on the chest  
"And you? What? If used your brain for once will you die? "Loki shouted  
"Why would I trust you?"  
"You don't have to, just use your big empty head as a change, it is healthy you know " Loki grinned  
"Come, you will help me stop them " Thor said grabbing his hand  
"And why I would do this?" Loki said pushing him away  
"I know you don't care about Asgard or any one here but I also know if don't help me mother will be in great danger " Thor said quietly  
"What shall I do" Loki said moving towards him, only friga matters for him no one else  
They both rushed to friga room to protect her first, Thor went in first, and Loki preferred to stay out  
"Mother, are you ok?"  
"Thor, oh my son I'm glad you're ok " she said hugging him "where is loki?"She looked around for him until she saw him standing next to the door she ran to him and hugged him  
"Oh my child, I missed you so much"  
"Uhm me too " Loki said softly blushing a little, he really missed her, Thor laughed quietly at the scene  
"come mother, we shall seek you a shelter till this ends " thor said checking the hallway, she holds loki hands and moved with him, but it was too late to escape the frost giants spotted them and started to follow them, they had to separate, loki took friga away while thor trying to provide cover for them and stop the frost giants from coming after them but there were too many of them and soon the three of them were surrounded by dozens of them there was no way to escape  
"Where is everybody? We can't fight all of them alone?" Loki said stabbing one of them  
"Just shut up and fight, they are busy defending Asgard, it is war " Thor shouted at him  
"No place to run to odins surrender and we let you live"  
"Funny I was going to say the same thing to you "loki grinned killing him" oops never mind"  
"You are an idiot son of Odin"  
"don't call me this again " loki said punching him , "loki , behind you " friga shouted at him but he wasn't fast enough the giant grabbed his hand , his armor broke but nothing happened to him except a dark blue color spread on his hand , the giant looked shocked staring at loki  
"sorry don't work on me, maybe next time " loki smirked " oh wait there is no next time " he said and stabbed the giant, his hand still blue and trembling he still didn't get used to the fact that he is one of them, he hid his hand looking lost for a while before he heard friga scream, someone is holding her he was hooded  
"Leave her you filthy creature and fight like a real warrior "loki parked  
"Try to stop me if you " his voice was cold and quiet but familiar, he heard this voice before  
" oh I will " loki said attacking him , they fall to the ground loki pushed his mother away and turned to fight this veiled , he was stronger than the frost giant , loki doubted he is not one of them  
"Yes, I'm not one of them"  
"How …how did you do that?" Loki was distracted  
"Oh loki, you forget me that fast?"  
"Who are you?"  
"This is sad how could you forget me?" he said approaching friga, taking off his veil and looked at Loki in the eye grinning  
"S...stay away from her " his voice was shaky he felt a terrible headache , his vision was blur again but he ignored all of this moving towards them but he was late the stranger stabbed friga and threw her on the ground , smiling at loki and said " see you soon you filthy runt "  
Loki couldn't move from his place as he was froze, he couldn't feel anything around him it was complete silence, thor ran towards her screaming with her name, then he turned to loki, he was angry shouting with some words but loki couldn't hear him he was shut down, thor shacked him viciously and punched him knocking him down and the darkness spread around him, he couldn't feel anything anymore  
He woke up gasping in fear looking around, he sighed tiredly covering his face trying no to cry again thinking of all these nightmares...memories...illusions whatever he doesn’t care he only wants it to end only want to be able to close his eyes not afraid of what he might see.

It was late at night he thought as no one of them is here, who were they? Feeling that he saw them before, somehow he knows he can trust them, he remembered when he opened his eyes there was this one who was stroking his hair, she was red headed he remember that, and they all looked worried about him? Someone worrying about him, the idea itself make him laugh at how silly he became  
He felt the need to have some fresh air, but it was raining outside, well the last thing he needs now is a storm so he stayed in his bed staring at the window imagining the sky the he liked it dark calm full of bright stars with the moon lighting his way , he never felt alone the moon was always his friend filling his life with light now he is like a lost star failed to find his way back home to his moon  
Loki sighed feeling the upcoming storm trying to remember the reason of his fear, even before Thor was able to control the thunder he was afraid of its sound, he is not afraid of thunder maybe when he was a child yes but now he isn’t afraid of it, he hates everything about the storm the sadness the rain brings to him the anger and nervous the thunder bring to him, but afraid ? No, why should he be!!  
“Because it’s Thor who you are afraid of” The voice whispered into his ears coldly making him jerking in surprise  
“Afraid? Of Thor?” Loki scowled  
“Who else my toy, after all he did to you, all this torture, don’t deny you fear him now”  
“You mean those silly illusions you trying to fill my head with, I know Thor more than anyone, and if there is one thing I’m sure of it, is that my brother...my Thor would never even think of hurting me”  
“The same old foolish and stubborn, more than two years and yet you still think of him the same, well this need to be changed” the husky voice said and before Loki had the chance to say any word he felt being deprived of air he gasped in pain trying to breath feeling every part of his body hurts aching with pain , he tried to speak but he couldn’t like someone is chocking him , his vision became blurry the world started to spin around him  
Loki tried to ignore the pain walking slowly to the door, few steps more he kept telling himself but this terrible headache didn’t give him the chance, he fell to the ground holding his head but this time he screamed letting the darkness take him again  
Natasha was the first one to hear him she ran into his room only to find him unconscious n the floor few steps away from the door  
“Thor..Bruce...anyone, help” she started to shout in fear checking on him quickly  
“Nat, you okay?” Clint said worried out of his breath  
“What happened” Thor cried crushing next to them  
“I...don’t know, I heard him screaming and came to find him like this” she said weakly holding him  
“What are you waiting for? Put him in the bed now and step aside” Banner said worried  
Thor nodded and held Loki putting him gently in the bed and waked away letting Bruce to do his job  
Minutes passed like ages on Thor who couldn’t stop blaming himself for leaving his brother  
“It’s not your fault understand, don’t hold yourself the responsibility of everything happens to him” Bruce said without looking at him  
“He will be okay, right?” Pepper asked quickly, she just came home after finishing her job to find out about all what happened in this short time she wasn’t here  
“yes, I think he just underestimated his condition” Bruce said injecting him with painkiller  
“His condition?” Thor questioned worried  
“He is not well Thor, not just because of this creepy voice no he is sick very sick, I can’t tell you anything till he wakes up, you saw what happened only few steps and he passed out, and god knows why did he scream”  
“Easy doc, you only freaking him out” Clint said looking at Thor whose face was pale like a white sheet now 

“I’m sorry but he had to know, you Think Loki will listen to any of us if we told him to stay in bed? No, I’m sure he is worse stubborn even more than Thor, he won’t show anyone he is weak , right Thor?”  
“Yes, it will only make him pigheaded” Thor said sitting next to Loki looking at him sadly  
“Jarvis, what did he do when he woke up?” Tony said quickly  
“shit, why none of us thought of that” Clint said hitting his forehead  
“You are not me, simple” Tony grinned  
“At first he stayed in his place looking at the window watching the sky I think, then he started to talk to someone”  
“What were they talking about?” Thor asked  
“I don’t know sir, I was blocked and the system rebooted itself”  
“someone messed with your system to prevent us form knowing what was the talk about” Tony exclaimed worried  
“Then what happened?” Natasha asked  
“Like every time but it seemed like he was chocking”  
“I presumed this” Bruce said sighing  
"This voice he hears, at first i thought it was just illusions you know part of the mind control" Bruce said quietly  
"And now?" Thor asked worried  
"Now, I think it more than a creepy sound neither Lkoi nor us can see him, he isn't just playing with his mind he controls him tortures him in different ways"  
"And how the hell we supposed to deal with that" Tony yelled  
"We can only keep an eye on him making sure he is safe but everything is in his hands to fight what controls his mind and in yours too Thor to keep him strong and not to lose hope"  
"I'll protect him with my life" Thor said firmly  
"Come now all of you let us leave him have some peace" Bruce said leaving  
Thor sighed looking at his sleeping brother holding his hand pressing tightly on it whispering  
"Stay strong for me Loki, please come back to me "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> His dreams or nightmares whatever, they don't have a timeline so the last one was a result of this one  
> Just wanted to make it clear ;)  
> Hope you liked it, your thoughts :D


	18. Silent Anger

When he woke up he was angry very angry he didn't know the reason he couldn't remember anything or how he ended up laying in this bed , he was feeling dizzy and his vision was still blur and this dream was it a dream at all? He can feel all of this is familiar some how but something is blocking his memories back, it was dark around he tried to shout to know if there is anyone else here but he couldn't , his voice was gone , he tried again but nothing just an opened mouth with no sounds at all then he give up it seemed like he really don't care anymore , he was surprised by his own reaction why he is not freaked out or at least worried or sad ? He was just angry not because he can't talk no, he was just angry.  
He stood up stretching his hand in front of him to know his way, his legs were shaking, he felt weak and dizzy he collided with what he thought it was a table and something glass broke maybe a cup he thought , his leg was hurting him from the collide so he turned back to the bed slowly holding his leg and rubbing it   
"Sir I suggest you stay in your place for avoiding hurting yourself"   
Loki jerked back looking around him as if he would see anything in this darkness , he could hear some voices approaching his room and the door was opened and the lights went on , it was too bright he had to shut his eyes then he found himself held by someone crushing his rips in a hug shouting his name in joy , this voice it was thor , he suddenly felt so angry ,he pushed thor away , he felt little dizzy , he leaned to the bed taking his breath and opened his eyes slowly he could see thor standing next to him talking with a man wearing glasses he heard his name too , he can also see five people standing in the room , he didn't recognize anyone of them and being unable to talk now seemed like a big problem , he still want to punch thor though , then the silence around him ended suddenly   
"Loki, loki, do you hear me" Thor said putting his hand on Loki's shoulder   
Loki looked at him for a while then stood in front of him and punch him in the face knocking him down , he grinned at thor , he felt little angry now and sit down on the bed again staring at thor wondering why he did this frowning  
"Why you did this?" Thor whined, Loki only raised his eyebrow shaking his shoulder   
"Fine, but don't do it again, god though you ill your punch still strong " Thor said rubbing his chin and Loki looked sorry and lost  
"I'm so glad you are ok, do you feel well?" pepper asked him smiling   
Loki looked at her then at Thor he was confused, he doesn't know who is she? Or what is this place?   
"Pepper I think he doesn't even remember you" tony said   
"Loki do you know who I am?" banner asked him   
He looked at him for a while then shaked his head   
"Do you know anyone here?" banner asked him again   
Loki looked at Thor grinning at him, Thor sighed in relief   
"Oh thank god, I thought you would forget me too" Thor said   
"Is he always so quiet like this?" tony asked   
"Actually no, at all" Thor said staring at Loki "are you okay brother you didn't shout at me like always"  
Loki sighed signing with his hand that he can't talk then play with his hair nervously he doesn't like being watched like this   
"You can't talk?" banner asked him and Loki nodded  
"Shit" tony said   
"Oh man, give me a break" Clint said   
Thor crushed next to him and Loki flinched a little  
"how this happened ?" thor asked him , loki raised his shoulder , he felt headache again , he won't show any weakness not in front of them , he pushed thor away again and slept with his face facing the ceiling putting one hand under his head and closed his eyes , the headache become worse , he tried to forget it   
"What the hell Loki, why are you angry with me?" Thor shouted at him feeling sad   
"I think this was his way to tell you to get out he want to sleep" tony smirked   
"I started to miss his shouting at me already" Thor whined closing the door leaving him to sleep  
"Poor guy" Clint snarled   
"I won't say anything you will try it sooner or later" Thor smirked   
"He would treat us the same?" tony asked whining   
"Yes, see Loki may look calm but he is mischievous he loves to play tricks on everyone when he is bored " Thor said laughing   
"Whoa what kind of tricks exactly?" Clint asked   
"Funny ones for him of course like the time he thought turning my hair color to pink was funny"   
"Wait…pink" tony smirked and burst out laughing so did the others   
"but now his magic didn't recover yet and apparently he can't shout at me so he would be very bored , we will have fun soon and by "we" I mean loki and myself " thor said heading to his room   
"Oh man" tony said   
"I have the solution" banner said quietly   
"What?" Clint asked quickly   
"He won't resist a good book" banner grinned   
"Problem solved then, good night guys" Natasha said   
"Come banner we have a library to organize" tony smirked   
"I'll help you too" pepper said following them "good night Clint"   
"Night, pepper "clint said "only me here, I don’t wanna sleep, watch TV right "he told himself 

When he woke up the headache was still exist but not as strong as yesterday, he didn't know what to do finally he decided to explore the place, what was the time anyway   
"Good morning sir, it is 8 am" Jarvis said   
This voice confused him, he can't find where it came from but he nodded as "thanks" anyway . till now this voice is useful so no problem , he kept walking exploring the place until he found himself in the kitchen , he was thirsty and hungry , he fill a cup of water and cut some apples then sit on the table enjoying his small meal   
"You can't live on apple you know" Steve said smiling at him   
Loki shrugged drinking some water; he didn't expect that anyone of them came here, how stupid he was? It is breakfast time of course soon he will be surrounded by them again   
"I'll make breakfast would you like to join us?"  
He was very hungry and apples weren't a proper breakfast either but no he doesn't want anyone's pity, he shaked his head and left returning to his room, when he hit something and fell to the ground   
"What the hell" Clint whined holding his head, Loki frowned at him it wasn't his fault   
"Uhm sorry" Clint said quietly "here let me help you" but Loki didn't accept his help and got up by himself feeling dizzy again he leaned to the wall for not falling again   
"Hey, are you alright?" Clint asked   
Loki nodded and started walking slowly to his room , his vision started to be blur again he trembled almost falling again , clint held him before he fall but loki pushed him away and continue walking till he reached his room and closed the door behind him   
"What the hell? What is wrong with this guy "clint said upset   
"Hey legolas, you talking to yourself?" tony smirked   
"This loki guy he is so weird" Clint said sitting on the table   
"Don't tell me, he ignored you then refused whatever you offered him" Steve said   
"I crushed into him and when I tried to help him, he pushed me away, man he couldn't even stand steadily" Clint snarled   
"He doesn't trust us" banner said   
"Not only you, Loki doesn't trust anyone or even accept their help" Thor said taking his seat   
"Even you?" Clint asked   
"I don't know he trusts me or not, you really can't figure out what is he thinking of and he never asked me for help or let me help him" Thor said   
"Geez dude has serious trust issues" tony smirked   
"Did he eat anything?" Thor asked changing the subject   
"Some apples" Steve said   
Thor sighed shaking his head "this won't work, Jarvis is Loki in his room"  
"No, sir"  
"Where is he?"   
"I can't find him sir"   
"What do you mean you can't see him?" tony shouted   
"Where was he going the last time you saw him?" banner asked   
"The balcony sir"  
"No" Thor cried running   
"Shit, he won't jump right?" tony said and they all followed Thor   
Loki was sitting on the edge of it with his eyes closed , he wanted some fresh air he felt bored in his room and he missed being outside , he always loved to go to the highest place of any building and just sit there enjoying the scene , but seemed like it was about to end   
"Loki" Thor cried "what are you doing?"   
Loki opened his eyes and looked at him in boredom then he looked away ignoring him   
"You know I love to come and sit here too, it is a beautiful view right " Natasha said sitting next to him, he didn't see her coming she was fast   
"Nat are you nuts what are you doing there?" Clint said   
She looked at him to shut up, both of them just sat there enjoying the scene and the rest left   
He was feeling so empty like something is missing he can't remember anything he had so many questions he needed answers, what happened to him? Where is he? Who are they? Who is she?   
Natasha felt his eyes on her, he was staring at her, and she felt her face turning red now   
"You know if someone told me a month ago that I'll sit here with you watching the sky I would have kicked his ass" Natasha smirked   
Loki frowned at her not understanding what this mean, should he know her? Then why he doesn't? He tried to remember anything; yesterday he was here, the day before he was back on Asgard fighting Thor on the bifrost right? No, he was imprisoned in a cell or he was fighting frost giants, he felt so lost, he was overwhelmed, he stood up and get inside   
"Hey, where are you going?" Natasha asked following him   
Loki stood in the middle of the room ,he felt like his head was going to explode , pictures of people he don't know, scenes he don't remember it , he wanted it to stop he wanted to scream say anything but he couldn’t , he felt so angry , he felt pathetic , he started to smash everything on his way ,voices started to become louder and louder , some of them familiar and the other not but this one voice was different it was cold and cruel it called him a filthy runt , it made him more angry , Natasha didn't know what to do , she started calling for help and tried to talk to him   
"Loki, loki, calm down and stop this right now"  
Loki ignored her and a chair almost smashed next to her head   
"Chyort voz'mi! "She shouted hiding behind the desk, when she heard footsteps approaching; Thor was the first one to enter the room   
"Look out" Natasha shouted as Loki threw another chair towards the door but Thor smashed it with his hands   
"Holly shit, what is going on here?" tony shouted   
"Stop him first then ask later" Natasha said   
It wasn't her shouting that stopped him or even their arrival, it was these blue eyes he was seeing everywhere and the voice of friga, his mother calling him "filthy runt" what really stopped him he sat on the floor leaning to the wall shocked and breathing heavily   
"Is it over?" tony asked coming out, he was hiding   
"Let's hope so" Clint said helping Natasha to get up   
"What was all that about anyway?" Steve asked   
"I don't know he suddenly left and started to smash everything " Natasha said   
Loki stood up and walks towards Thor angrily, he grabbed him from his clothes and pushed him to the wall facing him, making some signs with his hands   
"you could asked gently you know ,gosh " thor whined , "wait , you still remember it ? " thor asked surprised , loki nodded impatiently   
Loki made some signs again   
"First you tell me what is the last thing you remember so I can answer you right"   
"Wait, wait, is this sign language?" Clint asked surprised   
"Yes" Thor said sighing   
"And how on earth you two know it?" tony asked   
Loki looked at him viciously then poked Thor to forget them   
"Fine, fine" Thor said   
Loki signed again, he was anxious trying to focus   
"The bifrost? Nothing more? At all "thor said looking desperate  
Loki nodded waiting for Thor to tell him everything   
"uhm see , when you fell you umm were lost for almost a year then I found you here on midgard , some of my friends helped you , then you joined a fight a strong one which left you on coma that you woke up from it yesterday " thor said trying to hide any signs of being lying at him   
Loki looked unconvinced by his words but signed again   
"Mother? She is fine; she visited you few days ago and had to leave for some urgent matters"   
The next question was difficult, Loki didn't know how to ask Thor about it, he hesitated for a while then he decided not to ask him, not now   
"Any more questions?" Thor asked him   
Loki shaked his head and looked around at the destroyed room then he signed to Thor ashamed   
"Hey don't worry it nothing the only matters is that you are ok brother " Thor said rubbing Loki's shoulder   
Loki touched Thor's chest then his and make a sign hugging Thor crying   
"I missed you too so much" Thor said   
Loki pushed him away falling to his knees hiding his face, he was crying   
"Hey, what is wrong? Did I do something?" Thor said kneeling beside him   
* You are lying   
"No, why you say that?" Thor said   
* I'm not your brother, why would you miss a frost giant?"   
"Listen to me carefully, I punched you once and I don't have a problem repeating it" Thor parked moving away from him   
"Crap, not again, thor, buddy this time no one will stop you" Clint said bored and Tony grabbed him asking for what just happened agitated as he realised he is the only one who can’t understand it here and Clint started to explain to him   
"and you call me stupid , listen brother even them know how much I love you and what you mean to me , so why don't you get it " thor cried   
* Because I hurt you, tried to kill you that is why   
"You were hurt Loki, and I wasn't there for you when you discovered it, no one blames you, it was a lesson for both of us a hard one" 

* A filthy runt, these words I can hear them all day long   
Loki frowned he was hurt by this words, it remembered him of what he is   
"Who said this to you?" Thor parked, he was so angry, Loki jerked a little   
*I don't know all I saw was this dark blue eyes and this cold voice   
"Blue eyes? Are you sure? "His voice was shaking   
Loki nodded noticing the shaky tone   
"Did you see his face?"  
* No, just eyes in the dark   
"He is here" Thor gasped   
"This bastard, what does he want?" tony shouted   
"He is waiting, waiting for him to recover, to continue his game" banner said   
*what game? And who is waiting? Loki signed nervously; Thor is hiding something from him   
Thor didn't answer him, no one did, they all stood there without moving, and Loki shacked Thor but in vain   
"They can't hear you or see you, I control everything here, and I control you" the voice hissed   
Loki tries again but nothing, the voice laughed   
"You don't believe me, um try to speak maybe"   
Loki ignored him for a while then he started to doubt, what if that was true? What if he could control him? Loki tried to speak calling Thor   
"Th...Thor "Loki's face became white, he is saying the truth   
"Who…who are you?"  
"I'm your friend Loki"   
"Huh think again, I don't have friends"  
"Oh, you are right, I was just trying to make it look nicer for you" laughing again "you are my game"   
Loki felt a cold breath near him, he saw him, this red eyes and blue skin, it was him   
.  
" loki , loki , answer me " thor shouted shaking him , loki didn't respond at all , as his mind wasn't here   
The room became colder, they all can feel it   
"Is it cold here or what?" tony asked   
"Something is not right" Steve said   
Loki gasped in horror then stared at his hand   
"Loki, what just happened?" Thor asked approaching him   
"No, stay away" Loki signed in horror, the blue started to spread fast covering his hands   
Thor gasped moving back, everyone was shocked by the scene   
"Stop it" loki cried "why you do this to me, I ...I believe you, stop this " he begged, he can hear his own voice but only in his head like he is in another place now loki turnned away hiding so no one see him like this   
"Good, now you believe that you are just a game I play with yet you still have to learn your lesson" the voice hissed


	19. Not A Chapter

So sorry i really hate when it's used like this, but this is important so tolerate me please, this fic is long and yeah events takes long time sometimes i get bored myself, but this is characters development to show compassion, love, understanding even hatred and weakness   
events differ from sadness to humor to a lot of cuteness sometimes   
i'm having a serious writer's block for more than two months now it gave me depression , i wrote about 30 chapters then this shit happened , hope it will end before i puplish all of them, this work will continue concentrating about Loki's condition and his feelings while the others trying to help him , more characters will show up soon and new villains will be added it's not just thanos still writing them trying to figure a way to join forces together   
i'm literally in the middle of the darkest part of the story so enjoy the most heart warming one my cute loki for now :D  
this fic really means a lot to me ♥


	20. I Keep Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My final exams start this week so I won't be able to post everyday but like always I'll post in my free time :D   
> Enjoy and hope you like it ❤

"I'm no one game "Loki parked in anger and light went off as everything made of glass around them was broken shattered in pieces  
"no one can control me and you dare to call me your toy, till now I didn't show any one what I really can do, I can be more evil and insane than you've ever dreamed "loki hissed his voice was cold and make anybody shivers in fear they could feel the cold increasing around them, though they Can't see anything or hear him they could feel his anger, he reached a fatal point, a point that make him danger itself   
"Interesting, this will be fun" the voice said seemed amused   
"Oh it will be, just be ready for it "Loki said quietly  
Light went on again as Jarvis used backup one, Loki was standing his back to them, his shirt was torn completely he was bare chest now, they could see his skin turning to its normal color again, he was breathing heavily  
"L... loki" Thor said in a shaky voice but Loki didn't answer he can sense the fear in his voice; he was afraid of him the monster who he is.  
"Loki, are you ok?" Thor asked again   
*Yes, I I'm fine * Loki tried to control his feelings but he failed he was paler, sweating and his hands trembling, he was staring at his hand as if he was afraid it would turn into blue again 

Thor knew what is Loki thinking of, he stepped next to him holding his shoulder   
"Nothing changed Loki, do you hear me nothing"  
Loki shaked his head in disbelief, and then he pushed Thor running away from Thor, from them, but the most important from himself  
“What was that? He was blue” Tony yelled and Steve nudged him strongly to shut up   
“Is this how he supposed to look like?” Bruce asked   
“Y..yes” Thor said worried   
“Just a change in his eyes and skin colour” Bruce exclaimed “ so what? He still Loki not a monster or anything of this nonsense” he added agitated   
“Just because you look different this doesn’t mean you are a monster, Jesus” Pepper said frowning   
“uhm, one question, they are called frost giants right? As literally giant or what?” Tony asked stepping backward before he gets another hit by the cap   
“Father told me that he was smaller than a normal frost giant” Thor said frustrated   
“That is why this creepy sound keep calling him.. Runt” Clint asked disturbed by the idea and Thor just nodded   
“So are you ready to explain how the hell you all can understand ASL?” Tony asked trying to change the subject   
“Well, my cousin is mute so I had to learn it a thing you should already knew Anthony” Pepper said glancing at him   
“How should I know?” he whined   
“I had a friend once when I was a kid, so I learned it “ Steve said   
“I can talk Latin you think I would find a problem understanding this “Natasha grinned   
“I’ll go check on brother” Thor said leaving quickly   
“Hey, that’s cheating” Tony shouted then he looked at Bruce suspiciously  
“Don’t look at me like that I’m a doctor and I worked with some cases like this”   
“Tony Stark discovered something he doesn’t excel that’s news” Clint smirked “Don’t be hard on yourself Tony that means you are not a machine congratulation”   
“Oh shut up” Tony whined leaving   
“Come back” Clint said laughing   
“Grow up would you” Natasha said   
“Why? It’s fun, now where did he go ? Tony “ Clint yelled going to look for him   
“Forget those idiots” Natasha said looking serious “Eyes on the other two”  
"worried I admit, Thor is always tempered and this won’t help anyone at all, Loki especially, You saw the look on his face when he changed” Steve said   
“Not afraid, terrified he called himself a monster imagine how he thinks other people sees him how Thor sees him” Bruce said   
“Have the feeling this won’t end soon” Clint said   
“Clint! How did you...? Didn’t you go after Tony? Oh never mind” Steve said surprised   
“I was then I heard Thor shouting and glass shattering I think so I came to warn you”   
“What now? Fighting again?” Steve said   
“Should we go or stay here you know Family thing” Bruce asked   
“This family can destroy the whole tower if they get drifted” Clint said heading to their room  
“He has got a point you know” Natasha said raising her shoulder and followed Clint   
“Fine I’ll do the talk” Steve said sighing  
“Oh for god sake Loki don’t start it” Thor shouted   
“Now I think it’s bad idea” Clint said with Steve knocking on the door   
“What” Thor yelled  
“Uhm, Thor buddy is everything okay?” Bruce asked   
“Just open the door Thor” Steve said  
“You will not say a word or interfere at all understood”   
“yeah man whatever just open the door” Clint said   
“What? No what if they hurt each other?” Steve exclaimed   
“Just play it cap” Natasha whispered to him   
“Okay Thor” Steve said knew he will regret this   
When the door was opened they felt the chill of cold hit them  
“No even a word” Thor said his face was red from anger and shouting and Loki was standing near the window staring to the sky he seemed quiet   
“At least tell us why are you shouting?” Clint asked   
Thor glanced at him angrily then he sighed “Loki refuses to talk to me or do anything at all” his voice was loud not angry but desperate  
Loki kept staring at the sky ignoring all of them ,what they see now was new they didn’t see him as the enemy they were fighting even after knowing the truth they still keep some suspicion to themselves afraid this will turn over to be a trick at the end but here they are looking at him only seeing Thor’s little brother he seemed so much younger with these emerald eyes shining under the moon light   
“Loki, please you don’t want to talk to me then shout at me , scream if you want to, fight me if you need ,anything but not this” Thor said pleading putting a hand on his shoulder making Loki jerking back   
“Brother please if I do you anything wrong I’m truly sorry” he said quietly   
Loki looked at him in disbelief staring like he sees him for the first time his face changing from the plain expression to pain his usual mask failing him ,he didn’t notice the tears streaming his face   
“Loki you are crying” Thor said shocked he never let anyone see him crying   
Loki shacked his head nervously wiping away his tears but it kept falling , he cried in anger turning away from them , why it wouldn’t stop wasn’t he pathetic enough.  
Thor didn’t know what to do this was new to him , Loki never cried since they were children, he looked at his friends in desperate   
For their surprise Natasha was the one to step forward, she stood in front of him to make only Loki can hear her  
“Crying doesn't mean you're weak, it means you've been strong for too long" she whispered to him then continued in louder voice ”And is time for you to rest” then she pointed at them to leave   
“Come Thor let him rests”   
Thor didn’t say a word just following them silently leaving Loki alone   
“Thank you” Thor said to her  
“Forget it buddy but seems like you need to change the way you act with him”   
“He remembered me of his childhood now so I think I’ll deal with him like this” he said sighing   
The night passed with the two brothers awake, Thor thinking of how to treat his brother avoiding angering him and Loki trying to make a time line of what he remembers which is not much , like he knew that he is Jutin but he doesn’t remember how he discovered it , remembering fighting with Thor but not why or how he fall, his head started to hurt him so many questions but no answers, he heard knocking on the door, gentle one though; he hesitated for a while then decided to answer it.

Pepper stood there waiting him to open the door, she thought he won't answer her when the door opened suddenly, she flinched, Loki glanced at her he looked so tired, his eyes were red and a little swelling   
"Uhm I brought you cupcakes and hot chocolate" she said and entered the room putting them on the table.

Loki stared at her with an opened mouth, he didn't know how to react, he looked so lost, pepper couldn't stop herself from smiling and giggling a little, Loki frowned at her   
"Sorry, but you looked so funny" she said and loki frowned again   
"I mean cute" she said quickly then she blushed thinking of what she just said, loki smiled a little   
"Common let's eat" pepper said whining   
He waved with his hand as “no” and looked away  
"young man, you sit and start to eat now" Pepper said firmly "or else" she said grabbing him to sit next to her   
Loki was taken with surprise of her reaction, but no one force him to eat , he shacked his head trying to look serious  
"Don't push for it boy, you don't know me" Pepper said giving him a cake and she started to eat one herself   
Loki kept staring at the door as if he waiting someone   
“He is asleep” she said smiling  
Loki signed with his hands that he doesn’t know what is she talking about drawing a wondering reaction on his face  
“You are bad liar and a terrible actor” she chuckled offering another piece   
He shacked his head that he is not hungry ,she sighed starring at his face making him feel shy more  
“He loves you dearly you know” she said butting her hand on his shoulder “ Go easy on him you don’t know how much he suffered seeing you the way you were he doesn’t deserve this from you” she said leaving him to rest ....Rest the word seemed meaningless to him now what rest s here he knows what is waiting for him the second he closes his eyes but this doesn’t mean he wasn't in desperate need of sleep   
An hour is all what it took, when a loud scream came breaking the silent of the night   
Thor ran to Loki’s room afraid something happened to him, when the lights went on he saw his brother sitting on the bed shacking a little   
“Are you alright brother?” He said trying to take his breath  
Loki just nodded avoiding looking at him  
“You want me to stay with you?”   
Loki shaked his head wrapping him self with the blanket covering his face, Thor sighed leaving the room  
“You shouldn’t leave him alone you know “Tony aid holding a glass   
“Why?” he asked surprised of his presence  
“Nightmare for sure” Tony said raising his shoulder   
“How can you be so sure?”   
“Oh, believe me I know” Tony said quietly but Thor can see in his eyes he knew because he had to face it before he has the same look as loki   
“What should I do?”   
“Stick to him like his shadow all the time even when he sleeps” he said this and left going back to his lab he just came to have a drink and to give an advice clearly   
“Like his shadow” gosh how he hates this word how many nights had he to deal with the memory of Loki calling himself his shadow making him only feel guilt and more grieve , he said this word twice one before he fall and the second when he found him the different is the first Loki was asking denying it , the second he said it like it’s the only truth knowing that it was true he didn’t find in himself the courage to enter his room again or see him and headed to the roof watching the sky trying to find the way back home   
Home he missed this word so much missed his mother’s smile his friends' laughs even his father’s words to him it was more like orders but what he missed the most was the nights he spent watching the stars with Loki counting them talking about everything sharing their secrets with each other their laughs even their fights he missed it though they never fought for more than one day none of them could bare not to talk to the other but it was always Loki who end it first even if it was his fault Loki just smile at him saying “You oaf you think you’ll get rid of me this easily” so why he doesn’t end it this time too why he doesn’t come to him smiling saying the magic words again? What if he lost his brother this time for ever..


	21. Missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for taking so long :( bad it was really really bad week :/  
> New chap !! So enjoy ;)

This morning was different none of them heard the scream last night and Tony knows well he shouldn’t say a word about it determined to talk with Thor again when they are alone, but also Thor was strange this morning sitting near the window staring to the city which become his home recently , not rushing to his brother like always they started to wonder if something happened while they were asleep  
“Aren’t you forgetting something Thor or someone?” Bruce asked  
“he didn’t sleep well so he must be still asleep” Thor said without looking to them  
“Am the only one feeling we missed something?” Clint said perplexed  
“I know you don’t want to be another problem he has to deal with but this doesn’t mean giving him the feeling that you don’t care” Bruce said firmly  
“With due respect my friend but he is my brother and I know what he thinks of and how to deal with him , he is the one who forgot something not me” he said quietly then left to his room 

“What was that?” Clint asked  
“That’s my friend is a live example of how a relationship can be complicated” Tony smirked  
“Not only complicated it’s almost impossible” Steve said sighing “Better start making breakfast this show won’t end soon”  
“Wow Cap lost hope that’s serious” Clint exclaimed  
“If Loki will be awaken soon better make him some hot cocoa then “ Pepper said joining Steve  
“Doesn’t he eat or drink anything unless it has chocolate in it or what” Tony smirked  
“He likes it” pepper giggled  
“And he is coming this way” Clint whispered to them, when Loki entered they stop talking trying not to stare at him , he ignored them and looked around for Thor frowning on not finding him here, he was heading back to his room when he felt someone grabbing his arm to stop  
“You oaf you think you will get rid of me that easily” Loki’s eyes spangled with tears on hearing his brother’s words  
“You forgot” Thor cried “How could you forget this? I stayed all the night waiting for you” his voice was breaking and Loki started to cry quietly  
“But I think that’s how it supposed to be, come here” Thor cried grabbing him in a hug and loki didn’t push him away instead he put his hands on his shoulder wrapping him tightly  
“Oh that’s sweet” Tony giggled  
“Shut up” Pepper said hitting him on the head  
“Ugh, what the hell pepper” he whined and Loki glanced at him angrily  
“What? I didn’t do anything” Tony yelled  
“You don’t have the simplest manners on how to talk to a lady” Thor said  
“As if it wasn’t enough we have Captain language here, What the fuck now?” he said surprised  
Loki stared at him flickering waving his hand slightly causing the glass on Tony’s hand to froze  
“Whoa “Tony yelped dropping the glass holding his hand staring at him with shock  
“I think this mean language” Clint smirked  
“Someone is using his other powers now” Thor said patting Loki’s shoulder causing him to flinch a little giggling  
“Well I never saw Tony stunned like this, Loki you’re the first person to really shut him up” Steve said laughing , Loki blushed putting his hand on his mouth to stop himself from laughing  
“Good to have you brother” Thor beamed messing Loki’s hair causing him to frown stepping back stroking his hair when he failed to keep it straight he pouted going back to his room  
“Your brother is sweet” Pepper said sighing  
“Yes he had always be” Thor said smiling  
“And the fact that he turned my drink to freakin ice” Tony whined  
“Maybe you learn to hold your tongue more from now on” Clint smirked  
“I’ll make him some hot cocoa, Jarvis, is Loki in his room? Pepper asked  
“No, he didn’t go back to it”  
“Where is he then?” Thor asked  
“He was wandering till he reached the lab, that’s his location now”  
“My lab ? He is in my lab” Tony yelled  
“Isn’t it locked and only you can get in?” Steve asked  
“You really think this will stop him” Tony whined  
“Don’t worry Stark my brother is skilled” 

“That’s what worries me , show me what’s he doing” Tony yelled and they all stared at the screen  
Loki was wandering around amazed by everything, till his eyes fell on a huge metal armour he stood in front of it observing it before he started to discover it !  
“My suit, he will broke it” Tony whined  
“It’s already broken Tony don’t fool us” Pepper said  
“Whatever, no one touches my things” he said running to the lab  
“What a child, better follow him before he drove him angry” Pepper said  
“Look at Loki” Bruce said and they all looked at the screen again with eyes wide opened, he wasn’t just playing with it he knew what exactly need to be done and suit started to work again  
“Oh shit, I remember this one it is not broken it shoots anyone the moment it switched on” Pepper said on horror  
“Oh my god” Steve shouted running after Thor who didn’t waste a moment  
“Jarvis, connect me to Tony now” pepper shouted  
“What’s it now?” Tony voice came agitated  
“Tony, you must hurry , the one he is toying with is the one that shoots directly”  
“I can’t”  
“What do you mean by you can’t?” she yelled  
“He ruined the lock, can’t open the door”  
“what to do now? You had to make a door that can’t be knocked down” Steve exclaimed  
“Only him can open it from inside, so Thor convince your brother to open the door” Tony said quietly  
“Loki, brother open the door would you, it’s stuck” Thor shouted  
“Really! And he will just listen to you and...” the door was opened before Tony finishes his talk “Oh, never mind” he scoffed rushing towards him  
They expected to hear the shooting any moment now but nothing happened except a song started to play suddenly , they followed the sound till they found him  
“My iPod” Tony whined , Loki was annoyed by the loud voices shouting till he founds a quieter one, he liked it  
“Louder than thunder...The irony of the name” Tony said laughing forgetting his anger  
“Come brother , you continue while having breakfast okay” Thor said upset by the words of this song and Steve noticed it too , Loki walked with them looking for another song  
“I think will have a songs roll now” Tony smirked  
“Oh thank god you’re alright” Pepper cried hugging him , Loki looked at thor confused blushing  
“We thought the suit will shoot you” Thor said trying to hold his laugh  
*But I fix it why would it shoot me*  
“yeah we know you’re genius and you can fix it now give me my iPod” Tony whined  
“Someone had a night study” Clint smirked  
Loki shacked his shoulder playing another song which was a really bad choice  
“Not this one” Tony shouted worried and the others looked at him surprised by his reaction but then they knew the reason  
Loki face was plain no reaction can be seen on it, skilled at hiding his feeling they always said, but for how long all the questions he had been asking himself , all these nightmares the thoughts , all of that translated on a song  
When the song ended Loki put down the iPod heading back to his room silently thinking of how he was really...Shattered!  
“You only listens to Ac/Dc so where the hell this one came from” Pepper yelled  
“I was bored” Tony said  
“Now what should I do? He was finally getting over it and this happened” Thor said enraged  
“It’s just a song Thor, he get over it” Clint said  
“No it’s not just a song, this was like someone telling you your life, I know he has so many questions on his heads worried to ask it afraid of answers he might hear, not knowing was and will always be his worst fear, so what do you think he feels now about not knowing a whole part of his life” Thor cried  
“Will we need to cheer him up now don’t we” Pepper said excited  
“What about a movie?” Bruce suggested  
“Disney movie” Steve said immediately  
“appreciate your efforts my friends but he tends to sleep and to stay by himself when he is sad , I’ll leave him for a while then I’ll go and stay with him, but it’s not wise to be with him when he is angry”  
“Another day then” Steve said disappointed  
Loki made sure no one will interrupt him he closed the door and sat on the floor leaning to it thinking of this midgardian song though he was sad by its words but he can’t hide his admiration of how some words can describe his feelings like this he grew fond of this city already, sitting near the window watching the people, the streets , the sky at night so dark so beautiful full with the stars, he remembers his home can he still call it home anymore? Can he go back to his mother....Frigga how he missed her did she miss him too? Did father thought of him asking Thor to bring him home? Maybe they just forgot about him  
Thor thought of a way to make Loki forget what happened and most important to find a way to tell him that he will never be alone he will never be shattered !!  
A song hurt him so only a song can make him feel better Thor hoped, he took the iPad Loki left and went back to his room, it took him a while till he figured out how it works, listening to song after song till he got headache from this noise he was going to give up when he heard this one , he felt his tears warmness it was the one, but how to make Loki listen to it or him !!  
Thir didn’t notice it was midnight already, so when he heard the scream he worried that they may try to enter his room , and Loki!...he won’t love this to feel this open in front of them, this weak , it will only make things worse  
He rushed to his room to find them already there, but Tony ...he was standing in front of the door preventing any one from getting in , he sighed feeling relieved that he wasn’t late  
“Just tell me, why you don’t wanna us to get in” Steve asked agitated  
“I said no that’s it, you idiot why you left him alone, what did I tell you” Tony shouted at Thor grabbing him  
“I...don’t know what to do” Thor muttered  
“Just tell him what you feel, tell him what he needs to hear, understand” Tony said quietly ignoring the eyes staring at him with shock, he cares! So what? None of them will know how it feels like him, only him lived this before, if any one has the right to interfere it will always be him  
Thor openned the door slowly then turned the light on after he closed the door making sure they all left, he looked at his brother in pain , he was curling around himself shaking badly awake of course, he won’t dare to sleep again this night , seeing him like this made Thor remembering the song, it was his only chance he thought  
He sat next to him without talking for moments, then he put his hand n his shoulder it only made Loki jerking back in fear, he didn’t realise that he was here at all !  
“Please, just let me stay here with you, I can’t leave you like this, please” Thor said pleading  
Loki felt all his anger fade away, he needed him to stay how can he deny this but he won’t admit this never, he gave him his back covering his face with the blanket like before  
Thor smiled sadly knowing that Loki would never admit his weakness...sentiments is weakness in his eyes but not for long Thor said to himself taking out the iPod and played the song whispering to Loki “ song made you so sad, hope this one will tell you all I can’t say”  
Loki listened to Thor’s words in boredom thinking it will be a silly one, sentimental like him, but when it started Loki only felt pain...so much pain  
Loki turns to him his eyes were red not from crying but anger, he was so angry Thor didn’t know why worried  
“Loki, are you okay? I...” Thor was shut when Loki threw the iPod to the wall breaking it to pieces  
“But why...” Thor muttered hurt stepping back  
“Lies” Loki signed leaving the room not knowing where to go but any place is good without Thor in it  
Thor followed him trying to control his anger, lies? What the hell? After all this time he still doubting him  
“You stop here right now and explain yourself” Thor yelled at him grabbing his arm  
His grip was strong Loki felt pain in his arm but didn’t show that instead he pushed Thor with his other hand and continued walking away, he can’t stand him right now  
Loki was good at hiding he always was so if he wants not to be found by Thor or anyone else it won’t be difficult, Thor knows this well it only took him to be distracted for seconds to lose him  
Steve watched them worried that things may get bad soon so he asked Natasha to keep an eye on Loki she was the only one who can do this without being caught by him  
While Natasha following Loki Steve and the others stayed with Thor trying to understand why did they fight this time but even Thor doesn’t know the reason only Loki knows  
But what they all don’t know that while Thor was in Loki’s room there was another one there too talking to Loki filling his head with his poisonous words  
When Loki started to listen to the song Thor said it described his feelings he felt his presence, being in his head he knows exactly how Loki was thinking about , who is he missing? 

“Miss you? Why would they? Who are you to be missed ? You’re just a stolen relic “ The voice said in a fake sad tone  
Loki ignored him not wanting to think of how his words were true, didn’t Odin said he only kept him to use him in the future to role joutinhiam, did he really say that? Loki thought his mind was blur what was true and what wasn’t, he didn’t know  
“You poor child, for how long will you keep asking for his love , forgiveness, appreciation? Keep putting yourself in danger rescuing your own life to prove to him that you are a worthy son when he can only see Thor, killing your own father, your people for who you thought was family  
He was angry so angry ,this voice was saying the truth wasn’t this what happened? What excuse do they have to leave him here all this time, the day he fall they celebrated yes but he remembers this?  
Loki ran from the voice from Thor from everything, is this the truth? That he is no more than a stolen relic turned to be worthless  
“ If they really cared about you they wouldn’t have left you lost in the void for two years not bothering themselves looking for you even once” The voice whispered to him before he appears in front of him taking his shape but instead of green eyes his eyes were blue...dark blue  
“I told you I’m your only friend Loki...I am you” his voice was cold just like anything else about him  
Loki was busy with something bigger, he said two years? He was missing for two years didn’t Thor say just few months ? why did he lie to him ? more secrets, more lies ...all his life was just a big lie so why is he surprised now, he felt the need to shout, to cry , to destroy everything... He screamed and screamed full of anger of pain of...betrayal  
They all heard the scream it gave them a chill of fear they can feel its anger, they heard a sound of glass shattering ,Natasha called them to come at once her voice was shaking she doesn’t dare to get in, afraid of what would they found  
Thor was the first one to enter the room breaking through its door shocked by what he saw...there was two of him but this one’s eyes are blue Thor gasped ,they all stood staring at both of them  
“I told you I’ll come back to take what is mine” The blue eyed one grinned  
“Loki, step away from him, we will take care of him well” Thor said waving his hammer  
“Why would he? After all I’m not the one who lied to him isn’t this right Loki?” he said looking at him  
“What lies? Brother just don’t listen to him and come here please” Thor said worried  
Loki looked away hiding his tears then he nodded to the other one standing next to him  
“Welcome back my boy” he hissed putting a hand on his shoulder and they vanished in a blink of the eye  
“No” Thor cried falling to his knees when he heard the voice again  
“This midgardian songs we both grew fond of it, and this one I’m sure you will love it, think of it as a last message from Loki ,well I owe you this after what I told him but after all a lie can be bearable than the truth, isn’t the all father forgetting something, or someone maybe...enjoy” 

Please, please forgive me,  
But I won't be home again.  
Maybe someday you'll look up,  
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:  
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -  
You forgot me long ago.  
Am I that unimportant...?  
Am I so insignificant...?  
Isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,  
You won't try for me, not now.  
Though I'd die to know you love me,  
I'm all alone.  
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,  
But I won't be home again.  
I know what you do to yourself,  
I breathe deep and cry out,  
"Isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me?"

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,  
Knowing you don't care.  
And if I sleep just to dream of you  
I'll wake without you there,  
Isn't something missing?

Isn't something...They all listened to the song feeling their hearts aching by its words, a song is just a song until you live it then you start to feel its words, for Thor every word was like a dagger stings on his heart, where is his father?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first song was "louder than thunder"  
> http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/devilwearsprada/louderthanthunder.html
> 
> The second is shattered  
> http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tradingyesterday/shattered.html
> 
> They both made me cry ever time ❤


	22. To make you whole again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking today off :D so new chap !! ;)

Back on Asgard things weren’t good too, danger surrounding the realm everywhere and she has to fight all of this alone looking at her husband with teary eyes he was weak now too much pressure on him and knowing what happened to their son make he fall in Odin’s sleep again, she knew how much he mourned him , grieve has cast his shadow on him since this day though he tried to hide it she knew how much he loved him but his problem will always be not showing his love enough, when he realised the truth it was already late, holding himself the responsibility of Loki’s death only to find he was alive and being controlled by unknown enemy  
She didn’t tell Thor he has to stay there looking after his brother, she kept visiting Heimdall everyday asking about her sons seeking hope in Loki’s condition, but the realm endless responsibilities took her away till this day, he was the one who came to her this time  
“My queen I believe your son is in great danger”  
“Loki? Is he awake? What happened to him?” she said worried  
Heimdall told her everything till the moment Loki went missing , she listened to him with tears on her eyes for knowing how her son thinking of them, that they forgot him it only make her heart aching with sorrow  
Back on Midgard, silence controlled their lives casting its shadows everywhere, but it was a fake silence as the real noise was on their heads waiting for the moment they hear news about Loki hoping they don’t have to see him as their enemy again it has been three days now and still no news when they heard something  
“Who played this damn song?” Tony shouted  
“You think we are in the mood for this” Bruce scoffed when he jumped with shock on his face “this song? Only one person played it, oh my god he is back” Bruce yelled rushing to Loki’s room  
“Oh, hello again, I was just leaving, here you go I brought him back, he isn’t ready yet but after what happened I don’t think he will ever be, Pathetic” The blue eyed one smirked then vanished in the air and Bruce rushed to check on Loki but when laid an eye on him he started to scream Thor’s name who came running to the room wondering why is he shouting when he saw his brother  
“Loki” he cried crushing next to him and the rest gasped on horror of how he looked, his clothes were torn or burned they can’t tell covered with blood , his body was trembling weakly covered with blood and bruises  
“Out” Thor said quietly and they looked at him perplexed  
“I said out all of you” he parked at them they were insulted by his way but they went out anyway  
Thor held his brother taking him to the bathroom he started to cut the torn clothes careful not to touch his injuries , then he poured water on his body removing all the blood and the dirt fighting an urge to scream and smash everything starting to clean his wounds carefully sewing the cuts and bandaging other, when he finished he dressed him some of his large clothes and but him in bed wrapping him with a blanket and sat next to him sobbing quietly  
In the main room they were all worried and taken by Thor’s reaction, why was he angry with them  
“I think he doesn’t wanna anybody see his brother like this” Steve said sadly  
“But his wounds someone must look at them” Bruce said remembering it  
“When this voice said his toy did he mean that?... Torture” Clint said feeling sick  
“Man, this is too much” Tony yelled  
“No one deserves to be treated like that...not him” Pepper cried burying her face on Tony’s chest sobbing, he held her tightly patting her to calm down “You grew love for him don’t you?.....sweetie we all did , don’t worry Thor is with him and he would take good care of him” 

After a long waiting they fall asleep only to wake up on a scream sending all of them on their feet, Steve was going to break through the door when it suddenly opened with Loki stumbling in front of them with horror look on his face, Thor ran to them tying to calm him  
“please, just wait, why are you afraid of me” Thor cried approaching him carefully , Loki stood up quickly running away with staggering steps but he soon fell to the ground again causing some of his wounds to open again  
He curled around himself trembling and a whimper came out of him , Thor tried to help him but he screamed again , Thor leaned to the wall next to him covering his face not knowing what to do  
They all sat on the floor watching him guarding him afraid if they turn away he will vanish again, Tony went to his room and came back with Loki’s blanket putting it on him it only made Loki flinches  
Thor started to mutter some words which Natasha knew were from a children lullaby she knew from her childhood she knew the Russian one, she moved near Loki and started to sing it in sweet beautiful voice, Thor did the same and started to sing it too  
Two different languages and two different voices yet it was beautiful and peaceful , Loki’s body started to calm down and his breath became quiet and normal  
Thor took the chance and put his hand on him patting him gently still singing he flinched again but their calming voices made him quiet he looked up at Thor with red eyes trying to recognise him like he knows this face but can’t remember whose but still he moved closer resting his head on Thor’s lap who smiled in return stroking his hair to sleep but he didn’t he started to sob quietly  
When the morning came they knew things won’t be the same and Loki they knew may be gone forever ,he was sleeping on his room he fell asleep late tired of crying, Thor refused to leave him afraid he might woke up alone and he was right he woke up screaming again making them only think what would he saw on his sleep  
After a while Thor came in alone  
“Where is he?” Steve asked and Thor pointed at a point behind him when they saw him , he was walking slowly leaning to the wall  
“Are you going to leave him like this?” he asked agitated walking to help him  
“Stop, he won’t let you, I tried...He won’t let anyone come near him or touches him” Thor said crushing on the chair holding his head  
They both watched him sitting on the nearest chair to the door, breathing heavily not daring to look at them, he was nervous and his hands won’t stop trembling  
When Pepper woke up she was happy to see him sitting with them and started to make him his favourite drink and walked to him giving it to him, Loki jerked back quickly dropping the glass and Pepper screamed from the surprise  
“I’m sorry I... I didn’t mean to scare you” she said trying to help him stand, he crawled back hiding in the corner  
“It’s my fault I should have warned you , don’t go close to him you will only cause him to do this” Thor said in shaky voice starting to pick up the broken glass worried that Loki might step on it then he walked to him  
“Loki, she didn’t mean to, please come” he said gently , Loki stayed like this for minutes till he felt it was safe to go, he stood up leaning to the wall and sat on his chair again, Pepper made him another one but this time she put it on the table near him waiting for him to take it  
Loki moved his hand slowly till he reached it and put it in front of him , minute passed before he started to drink it  
They noticed how nervous he was, flinching at any sound around him or movement, that he was avoiding to look at them at all, not trying to communicate with anyone of them at all ,both Steve and Pepper found this problem as they won’t know if he is hungry or not so they make a timetable of when they should serve him food or drinks or even water  
They found out that he still goes to Tony’s lab messing around with his tools but Tony didn’t mind this time in fact he started to leave some of his work undone so Loki would find something to do and this turned to be of great benefit to both of them...Tony finding new solutions with his help and Loki finding something to do till one day Tony came to help him and he doesn’t flinch away, Tony was afraid at the beginning when he touched him by mistake waiting for him to run away but he didn’t this made Tony smiles feeling relieved that he won’t lose him he would miss the guy if he did  
Steve too shared a hobby with him , one day he was on the balcony drawing when he felt someone watching him, when turned to see who was there he found Loki standing there watching him drawing, Steve continued to draw till Bruce called him needing his help on something , he left Loki alone to come back finding him drawing, he stood watching him smiling, he was talented like Thor said and the look on his face was brilliant with his emerald eyes sparkling with joy  
Since this day Steve waited for him everyday so they would draw together with time Loki started to become familiar with his presence around him letting him helping with painting  
It wasn’t difficult for Bruce to gain his trust as both of them like reading so one day Bruce sat near him putting a book in front of him and started to read another copy of the book when Loki started to read too, later Bruce asked Tony to add another copy of every book to the library till one time Bruce was busy that he forgot the reading time, he found Loki standing in front of him putting a book on the table next to him and sat down reading , Bruce smiled taking the book saying “I’m sorry I forgot, thank you for reminding me”  
With Pepper it was easy she sat with him everyday making him his favourite drink and cakes and sometimes he joined her watching movies, she always made sure to pick a funny one or Disney movie when she noticed that the others joined them from time to time especially Steve only if they were going to watch Disney he was fond of it very much  
Thor and Natasha the night was their time they used to sing to him to sleep they split days between them , Natasha loved to do this for their surprise but no one dared to say a word about that or make a joke about her singing which was always in Russian they don’t want to die.  
By the end of the week they found out that all of them have something to share with him, they used to have him around feeling he is one of them , they grew fond of him as he became important part of their lives except for Clint who was on a mission all this time thinking what would connect him to Loki and Thor simply said archery  
“Is there something he is not good at” Clint smirked  
“Won’t this be dangerous” Steve said  
“Only time can tell us” Thor said  
One day they woke up to find him missing again, Thor was terrified looking for him everywhere so did the others but there was no sign for him in the tower at all, tell they had a call from Fury shouting why the hell Loki was out, he told them that he was seen in the same place the last events happened and some people may have recognised him  
They arrived at once to the place once was their battle field against the one they worried about now, when they heard his screams , they looked around calling his name till Thor saw him, there was some police officers surrounding him trying to arrest him and one of them punched him severally in different places till Loki can’t take it anymore falling to the ground crying  
Thor parked at them and hit the man who hurt his brother throwing him against the wall and Steve shouting at the rest ordering them to leave at once  
Thor knelt in front of him calming him down holding him tightly he was shaking terribly and won’t stop crying , thor carried him and put him in the car, no one said a word all the way home, they were silent except from Loki’s whimpers and sniffling sleeping on Thor’s chest who was stroking him gently  
When they arrived Loki refused to eat or drink anything all the day staying in his room, they tried to bring him out of this condition by their own way, Steve was the first to try, he bought him a full drawing set and put it in his room , bringing his too and started to draw talking to him how is this new colours are amazing and Loki’s curiosity was the trigger making him to join Steve drawing  
Bruce was next, he brought new books and went to Loki to give him his copies  
“We will read this one today don’t forget okay, you will like it”  
He sat waiting for him afraid he won’t come when he came sitting next to him and started to read  
“Glad to have you back buddy” he said smiling  
The others did the same even Clint tried to do something for him but he didn’t know what he would like so at the end he brought him a big bag full with chocolates and ice cream though he had to bring more when Natasha looked at him enraged that he forgot to buy her some too.  
Two weeks passed since that day Loki decided to back to signing again, they felt everything became normal again except for these nightmare waking him screaming everyday in the middle of the night but they know it was Thor or Natasha job they shouldn’t interfere also not wanting to see him when he breaks not daring to ask what happened to him on the days he went missing and they found it good just to let him forget about it and may be one day he will just let it go but except this he was starting to act normal again and they know this would be a problem with these nightmares triggering him like that Thor was even worried he might think low of himself and he knew if this happened things won’t be the same for him with every nightmare so when a scream came out breaking the silence of the night they didn’t need to ask where it came from as all the eyes turned to the only room it can came from, Thor rushed to the room to find Loki curling on himself shaking and his clothes covered with cold sweat  
He left the room asking them to go back to sleep as he will handle it, Pepper offered to help but he refused politely

Thor then went back to his room fetching Loki some clothes, he helped Loki to stand up and took him to the bathroom and took off his sweating clothes  
“You know what you need? A cold shower” Thor said in a cheerful voice trying to make him not feeling ashamed or pathetic, he knows how loki thinks very well  
But the scars on his body , Thor couldn’t stop himself gasping in pain, how he didn’t see it before  
Loki tried to push him away holding his tears  
“I’ll never let you go” Thor said quietly letting the cold water cover both of them, he didn’t care that all his clothes were dripping with water, he helped Loki get dressed then covered him with sheets and went to change his clothes  
“Better? Thor asked quietly  
Loki nodded at him  
“Then why you don’t Look at me?”  
Loki turned away wiping his tears  
“Brother of mine there is nothing and i mean nothing to be ashamed of” Thor said firmly “We all got bad dreams, we all cry, it’s normal Loki, you should saw me lately” Thor smirked  
Loki looked at him rising an eyebrow curiously  
*You cried? Loki signed with trembling hands  
“A lot I’m sure I lost count after the hundredth time” Thor chuckled  
Loki smiled a little and moved away slightly pointing at Thor to come  
“Are you sure? Last time you shouted at me said you’re a grown up now and kicked me off the bed” Thor whined imitating him  
Loki grabbed him enraged  
“Okay okay, move a little then” Thor said laughing and Loki curled next to him closing his eyes  
Thor didn’t sleep he laid there staring at his brother whose for Thor thoughts slept deep for the first time, when loki moved thor closed his eyes he doesn’t want to caught staring at him it will be awkward, he felt Loki rising himself up weakly trying to take his breath another nightmare he thought  
Thor opened his eyes finding that Loki is looking at him as he was waiting him to wake up  
“Come here” Thor said opening his arms and Loki put his head on his chest curling closer to him while Thor wrapped him with his arms  
“Still don’t want to tell what wakes you up terrified like this?” Thor said quietly stroking his hair he knows how much Loki loves this  
Loki shaked his head nervously  
“Fine, but i won’t leave you alone to your thoughts again I promise”  
Loki didn’t answer he slept again he can feel his breathing turning to normal again and soon Thor joined him a quiet night it was except when Loki wakes gasping but seeing his brother next to him calm him down and he fell asleep again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot twist :D if captain America can be hydra so Odin can be a good father :D  
> Still writing his character , Odin won't show up soon ;)  
> More sweet Loki to come ❤


	23. Naïve

He felt a hand shaking him gently and someone calling his name , he opened his eyes to see Thor smiling at him “Wake up lazy, didn’t you have enough sleep”   
Loki yawned lazily and sat in the bed   
“Come on go and take a shower till I get you some clothes you sweat a lot do you feel sick” Thor said touching his forehead "oh god you are burning , you caught cold”   
*It’s just temperature Thor it will drop to normal after the shower* Loki signed walking to the bathroom feeling a little dizzy  
“No, I’ll seek Bruce for some medicine” Thor said leaving the room, Loki just raised his shoulder in boredom   
Loki took shower in a complete hour ignoring Thor’s yelling, he clearly was enjoying the cold water   
“Finally” Thor cried on seeing him getting out wrapping himself with towel and drying his hair with another   
“wear this and open the door when you are finished” Thor said handling him the clothes and left the room again   
He took a look at them and smiled thanking his mother that she didn’t leave it to Thor to pick up what he would wear   
Then he left the room finding Thor waiting him outside   
“Are you ready your highness” Thor said agitated and Loki grinned at him waving at him to lead the way   
“Now you realise my importance huh?” Thor smirked entering the kitchen when he fell on his face   
“Ugh, you will pay for it” Thor whined looking at Clint who was stepping on his cape giggling   
“Good morning to you too , what Thor did you miss the floor that much” Tony smirked   
“Someone is feeling bored a little earlier I think” he said cleaning his clothes   
Clint sat on the chair yawning raising his shoulder “Didn’t mean it, i barely can see in front of me, don’t listen to Nat if she told you she wants to practice three in the morning, ever” he whined   
“Good, I’ll tell her you loved it and want to practice tonight again” Thor smirked   
“Behave boys “Steve smirked   
“He started it...”   
“Thor drink this and shut up, gosh how you bear him” Tony said chuckling handling Thor his coffee but Loki took it from him and left   
“What about breakfast? “Steve asked  
“He doesn’t ....sometimes I think he just eats so he wouldn’t die starving” Thor said taking another cup  
“Well, this doesn’t work with me” Steve said following him   
“Watch out, mama Steve is serious when it comes to breakfast” Tony said laughing   
“What is going on here ?”Bruce asked   
“Three words: Loki, Steve, breakfast”   
“I brought you what you asked but you don’t look sick” Bruce said giving him the medicine  
“It’s for loki not me, his temperature was high when he wake up” he said looking at the door waiting to see Steve will be able to make him join them in the breakfast  
“Oh, how was your night? You slept in his room right?”   
“Long night, lot of bad dreams but slept well for a while”   
“That’s good”   
“But there something worries me”   
“What?”  
“he has these times when he can’t take his breath and this cold sweat like all his clothes is covered with it”   
“Apparently it is cold a strong one too, but i prefer to check on him to make sure it won’t turn to fever”   
“He doesn’t wanna eat with us you think he would let you do this?” Tony scoffed  
“And he is behind you” Clint giggled   
Loki signed something to thor and headed to his room , then Steve came in looking around   
“What did you tell him?” Tony asked  
“Where is he? I looked everywhere”   
“well, he was here seconds before you, and uhm, where is his books ? He is getting bored and when he gets bored don’t need to say”   
“well, this our chance isn’t it” Tony yelled   
“Stark, what do you have in your mind?” Steve asked   
“every book in exchange of something , you want him to eat and you to check on him, well if he wants his books he has to do what you ask him to”   
“You shut up, you go get him his books , you go check on your brother and I’ll make him some pancakes “ Steve said firmly   
When thor opened the door he found him sitting on the ground leaning to the bed   
“What happened ?” Thor said helping him get back to the bed   
*I don’t know I felt dizzy after I finished this drink, what was it?* Loki was trying to stop his hands trembling   
“Just coffee I swear, maybe you are just sick, wait I’ll call Bruce and you don’t have the right to refuse understand?”   
Loki just nodded tiredly closing his eyes   
Thor rushed back to the room and grabbed Bruce from his hand “Come, you check on him now and no one ever offers him coffee again” Thor yelled then he stopped to take his breath   
“Can you just calm down and explain what the hell are you talking about?” Tony yelled back at him  
“ Act first ask question later” he said grabbing Bruce   
“can someone bring me my bag please” Bruce shouted   
“You all will drive me crazy I swear of god “ Steve exclaimed going to get Bruce what he asked   
Tony and Clint just stood there trying to figure what just happened   
“The girls “ Tony suggested  
“Yeah, good idea” Clint said quietly   
“Yes, Pepper “ Tony shouted leaving the room   
His heart beats was racing insanely like it’s tearing apart  
“Are you sure it was just a coffee whatever this drink ?” The voice hissed   
“Thor will never try to poison me, if that what you think”   
“Are you sure? Cause what you see every night say another thing”   
Loki trembled nervously from remembering what he saw, but it’s just nightmares right?   
“Or very bad memories”   
“No....it can’t be...the truth” Loki thought falling on his knees, his eyes fixed on the door crying silently feeling hurt, feeling....betrayed  
When the door was opened , it wasn’t Thor who came in, it was Natasha she noticed his trembling, he looked sick  
“Are you okay? You look...terrible” she said walking towards him  
Loki smiled bitterly and tried to get back on his feet, it wasn’t easy as he thought with this terrible dizziness  
“let me” she said offering him her hand , Loki hesitated for moments then he took it leaning on her getting to bed   
“Bruce will be here any minute with your brother” she said listening to the footsteps approaching and Bruce’s voice   
On hearing this Loki started to move nervously looking away  
“What? You don’t look at least relieved?” she asked rising an eyebrow   
“You’re here! Good i was worried of leaving him like that” Thor said taking his breath   
“How is he?” Bruce asked   
Natasha raised her shoulder saying “Don’t know but someone is in trouble” she smirked looking at Thor  
“Me! Why?” he cried  
“Can I do my job please” Bruce said firmly standing in front of Loki “I’ll just check on your temperature okay” he said quietly   
Loki pushed him away jerking back   
"Loki , what is wrong with you ? He was just trying to help” Thor shouted   
“It’s okay Thor I should’ve expected this, he looks upset of something”   
“This don’t give him the right to be this rude” Thor said agitating   
*You knew I’d take the cup from you I always did this   
“yeah I know, so what?”   
*So it won’t be difficult to get rid of me * he signed looking hurt  
“Get rid of you” Thor repeated it out in disbelief   
“You think it was poisoned” Thor said in shock “After all I’ve done you think I do something horrible like this” his voice started to broke   
Bruce and Natasha looked to each other in shock , he lost his mind they were sure  
*He said this to me*   
“Oh, so now you believe him? Thor scoffed  
*What about what see every time I close my eyes?* he stopped trying to take his breath and hiding his trembling *What you did to me , it was always you* tears started to gather in his eyes   
“That is his game don’t you see? I know what you dream of, cause I saw it too, do you think it’s easy for me to dream about me hurting you ? Is it easy for me to know every time you woke up afraid is because what you saw me doing to you ....your problem is you think you are the only one who suffers”   
Thor turned his back to them hiding his tears , why he had to be so blind, can’t he see how much it hurts him, he will always be the one who breaks his heart   
“Oops my bad, I don’t know you would be that naïve” The voice said in amusement laughing  
“What did i do?” Loki gasped in disbelief regretting what he said , he sat on the bed crying, nothing he can say can make things good, he would understand if Thor left him now, he stood there silently he know how angry his brother must be right now, he wanted to go to him to say that he is sorry but he can’t find courage nor power to do this, even in his weakest shape he managed to hurt his brother   
He was so dispirit just to call his name to tell him he is sorry that he doesn’t deserve a brother like him , he is everything good in his life yet he hurts him the most   
“S...sorry” Loki finally said biting his lips from pain, Thor didn’t believe what he just heard   
“You...talked” he cried holding his shoulders , Loki hugged him crying   
“S..sorry, forgive me...please” he said gasping in tears   
“silly child you will always be” Thor said holding him calming his nervously shacking body   
“Thank god, now you listen carefully” Bruce said pointing at Loki who looked very ashamed of what he did  
“Coffee for us not even slightly harmful but in your case it could be dangerous, poisonous as you said for a good reason you are already sick with high blood pressure and huge increase in your heart beating rate making hulk’s rates a child play comparing to yours”   
*Hypertension, this explains this terrible headache*   
“Signing again!?” Bruce wondered   
“He said hypertension? And says it explains the headache “ Thor translated to them forgetting that they understand it   
“Clever boy but can you tell us why you don’t speak we just heard you”   
“Give me something to write on *   
“Do you have a pen and some papers “ Thor said and Bruce handled him his note   
Loki started to write at once and Thor was reading it quietly to himself but with raised eyebrows and his exclaiming just made them more curious   
“Is this even possible” Thor yelled waiting for Bruce to finish reading to explain  
“So to be clear if i understand it or not, you say that you think of something and when you try to express it in words you forget how, yet you can explain it different ways like signing and writing but not enough as I can see , like something is blocking your ability to express like what happens to your memory you remember everything but in the same time you don’t remember anything”   
“At least you can try to talk” Thor said sadly  
*No, it’s painful* he shaked his head then touched his lips nervously   
“Why you do this?” Thor asked worried   
Loki stared at him not knowing doing what exactly   
“Your lips why you touch it, like you making sure there is nothing there” Thor said in a shaky voice  
Loki's face became paler and his breath became heavier, frozen in his place seeing it all happening again   
“why you remember such horrible thing or maybe” Thor gasped in horror saying “ He made you live it again please say it wasn’t me who did it” Thor said pleading   
Loki can feel the pile moving upward to his throat he was going to throw up, he ran to the bathroom   
“What’s wrong?” Bruce asked quickly   
“Nothing, but I think he won’t tell me anything if you are here, this sort of private” Thor said wearily  
“Of course just call us if you need anything” Bruce said leaving the room and Natasha followed him silently  
Thor went to Loki who finished throwing up leaning to the wall looking miserable , he helped him cleaning himself and brought him some clean clothes to wear, it was Thor’s so it looked big on him give you the feeling of a kid wearing his father’s clothes   
Thor didn’t say a word about it, he knew what he saw and how hard it is to remember it again   
He sat on the bed and loki sleeping next to him with his head on his lab and Thor started to stroke his hair singing him an old asgardian song their mother used to sing to them to sleep   
He looked at his brother's face and saw this scared child whom he failed to protect once when they were kids, he remembered when they got lost in the forest in a strange realm far away from their parents and their home, how they were kidnapped by some of his father’s enemies and how they threatened to torture the royal kids if he didn’t do what they said and when father refused to obey , he remembered how they found it good idea to sew their lips shut starting with the younger one   
They failed and father rescued them but it was too late, Loki wasn’t the same again, he remembered how many times he woke up from Loki’s screams and cry , the same nightmare every night, how he just stopped talking despite all mother disparate tries to get him out of this but in vain, how his mother was angry accusing father that his foolish pride is the reason of their son’s suffering , how he had to learn the sign language like our healer suggested a language she said was found to help people who can’t talk to communicate, how he had to spend a whole year on alfahiem treating from this, it was their life darkest days that he was grateful it has ended but it seems like it started again now, he closed his eyes hoping all of this will end soon.  
Back in the main room Steve was waiting for them and was surprised when only Bruce and Natasha came in   
“Where are they?”   
“Loki is not feeling well I think he went asleep again and Thor is staying with him as usual” Bruce said crushing on the sofa  
“Seeing this Loki and remembering the one we fought months ago like there is two of them” Natasha said   
“sometimes I think it’s good for him not to remember anything, without memory suffering from severe anxiety and stress imagine how may it be if he remembered”   
“Anxiety huh? Like in trembling hands, heavy breath and all of that?” Tony asked joining them  
“Yes I’m afraid”   
“Boy, déjà vu for me then “ he smirked bitterly  
“Well you have a saviour by your side” Steve said to pepper who blushed giggling  
“He has Thor too” Tony said  
“You think?! With this voice poisoning his thoughts it will be difficult for him to trust” Bruce said   
“Yep, we saw an example earlier , honestly I don’t know how Thor managed to remain calm after what he said , all I was thinking of is punching him in the face”   
“That is the advantage of being the big brother you had to handle all this kind of madness , I used to have a fool brother now he becomes fool and paranoiac” Thor said crushing next to Bruce   
“How is he?”   
“ Slept at last” he sighed   
“What if he woke up?” Pepper asked  
“I know, I just come to beware you of saying anything about what happened in front of him again”   
“You mean us, me and Natasha, but a simple explanation won’t be a problem”   
“You once asked me how we know this language , well, lets just say one day the king’s enemies who found kidnapping his children was a good idea make him surrender and when he refused they threatened of hurting them starting with the younger one”   
“Did they hurt him?” Pepper asked covering her mouth in fear  
“No, but on hearing what they were going to do with him and seeing this terrifying men grabbing him violently tying him up was enough”   
“It gave him a nervous shock?” Bruce asked  
“If this mean coming back empty so yes, I felt like he was a stranger, someone else, someone looks like this one exactly”   
“How old was he then?” Clint asked   
“Seven I think”   
“Oh, I’ll be in his room you need rest” Clint said leaving quickly   
“What was that?” Tony asked surprised   
“That, Clint seeing how much he and Loki are alike” Natasha said   
“And how is that?” Thor asked   
“Clint had an accident when he was a child caused him to lose his hearing for some time”   
“You mean the accident he lost his parents on?” Tony asked   
“Yes, how did you know that?” she asked him suspiciously  
“Tony Stark my dear” he said quietly, not a good time for jokes   
“But I really don’t want to leave him alone, he may get it wrong” Thor said thinking about Loki’s react , childishly sure it’ll be   
“But he need to see other faces, to learn to socialise to fit in, he can’t stay all the time avoiding us” Steve said   
“Don’t worry, we just need you to step aside for a while not leaving him “ Tony said   
“Look at you all “ pepper said excited” Few months ago none of you was ready to accept the other, now all I see is a real family not by blood but by what’s more stronger love and caring for each other”   
“Strange how what seemed to be the end was a new beginning” Steve said smiling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I feel sorry for Thor "D but you can't blame Loki too ;)   
> Hope you liked it :D


	24. I O U

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! I'm little worried do like it till now or not ;)

Clint didn’t know whether to knock first or just open the door, Thor said he is asleep so no need to knock right!   
He turned on the light to see him curling on the bed shaking from the cold   
“This stupid blonde doesn’t know how to cover someone well” Clint said to himself, wrapping Loki with a blanket then sat on the chair next to him checking his temperature   
“Burning like hell yet covered with cold sweat” he whispered wondering why, he didn’t wait any longer going back to his room looking for pills he takes when get sick and some packs and went back to him   
A gel pack would do for now he said grapping a book he found  
“Be in English please be in English” he muttered opening it and it was English   
After hours of continuous reading interrupted by checking Loki’s temperature till it fell down, he was waken at last , looking around in fear as he was making sure it was just a dream at first he didn’t seem to recognize Clint's presence , he stroked his hair nervously taking a deep breath helping him not to cry then he covered his face shaking slightly   
“Morning, lazy” Clint said trying to make his voice normal not taken by seeing him like this   
Loki was taken by his presence thinking he is still asleep and this must be dream , he just stared at him rubbing his eyes , then he recognized him and started jerking back in fear trying to call Thor but his voice didn’t come out, he cursed his weakness why he is so afraid of him   
“Having a bad dream again?”   
Loki didn’t answer he needs to be alone the last thing he wants is someone watching him, but he seemed nice and may be what he really needs is a new face distracting him of these dreams but he is not going to admit this easily so he looked at him in boredom and angry a little   
“ look before you start to scream or fight me, your brother is in the next room resting so why can’t just sit together in peace like adults cause I swear I’ll scream if you did anything nasty” Clint said in a funny childish way making Loki chuckling thinking who is this crazy   
“Well it need a crazy to know one” Clint said teasing him  
“So, my name is Clint they call me Hawkeye clearly for my excellent archery, I’ll be your host tonight” Clint continue talking funnily like he was playing a role in a play   
“You won’t find a problem in signing to me , I understand it and yeah swallow this” he said handling him a pill and glass of water   
*What is it?* he signed suspiciously  
“Poison” Clint scoffed “Of course medicine you silly”   
Loki took it quietly but his face was turning red   
“Now are you angry or shy ? I can’t find a good reason for your face to turn into tomato” he smirked   
Loki shrugged coughing and laughing *Stop it, you are crazy*   
“I told you it needs one to know one”   
*Archer then?*looking at him   
“You too, I know Thor told me, maybe we can see who is the best when you get better”   
*Me of course but deal* he signed teasing him   
“In your dreams but for now aren’t you hungry I’m starving”   
Loki touched his stomach nodding *Me too*   
“Then come on” Clint said grabbing his hand and Loki started sneezing   
“This won’t work” Clint said opening the cupboard and Loki watched him with opened mouth   
“Here go and wear this” he said throwing some heavier clothes to him , Loki stood there staring at him  
“Move it boy” Clint yelled pushing him to the bathroom and closed the door, when Loki came out he couldn’t stop himself from laughing, it was so big on him   
“Oh my god, you look ridiculous in these clothes” he said laughing hard   
Loki sat on the chair frowning and refused to go out   
“You will starve here and I’ll eat all of it” Clint said in amusement  
Loki shaked his head and looked away   
“Oh, common I’m starving” Clint said pushing him to walk   
*slow down you forgot I’m ill or what * Loki leaned to the wall holding head breathing slowly  
“Sorry, we almost there let me help you and no I don’t think you’re weak or anything maybe in this empty head of yours” Clint said quietly he wasn’t joking this time he knows his type, they will do anything just to prove they are not weak not waiting for your pity, how he knows all of that ? Simply because he was describing himself not Loki   
Loki leaned on him he didn’t argue at all why? For the same reason made Clint comes to him in the first place, for the same reason he didn’t feel he needs to play cold when he found him in his room, Clint act on his nature so did he .  
when you find someone like you it makes you feel intimacy feel safe you feel home like you knew each other a long time ago like you met before in different time and place, for these reasons you be yourself cause you knew they will be the same .  
Clint helped him sitting down he was feeling dizzy again   
“Here, drink this it will fresh you” he said giving him some orange juice   
*Hungry not thirsty* he whined   
“Just drink it till I see what we have here to eat” Clint said laughing   
“Maybe some pancakes” Steve said quietly but not for them   
Loki shrugged on his drink almost choked and Clint gasped dropping the plate he was carry   
“For god sake , you wanna kill us or what” Clint cried patting Loki’s back whose face was red now   
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you like this” Steve said frowning but clearly he was trying to hide his smile it was funny except the part that Loki almost choked   
“Knock next time will you” Clint said without looking at him   
“Uhm is he okay?”   
“He will live but I’m not responsible if he hated you for that , poor guy” Clint smirked giggling  
*Shut up* Loki poked him in spite   
“Ouch he is the one who scared the hell out of you and I’m get punched “ Clint whined funnily and loki chuckled on that coughing a little   
“Are you hungry or not?” Steve asked smiling he was glad how these two get along quickly , he made Loki laugh it’s the first time he heard him laughing he looked young   
“If you don’t mind , where is the food? “Clint shouted in theatrical way   
“Now you love pancakes?” Steve smirked putting a plate full of cakes in front of them   
“I’m starving I can eat you and still find you delicious” he said in muffled words as hew was busy wondering how many cakes can eat in one time   
Loki started to eat too, but of course in more human way and slowly, he was enjoying his meal   
“Oh brother, good to see you well” Thor beamed hugging him , Loki gasped and try to push Thor away before he kills him   
“Th..Thor” he said waving his hands , he was crushing him   
“He won’t stay well if you don’t get off him now” Clint yelled at him   
“Sorry, did I hurt you?” Thor said worried  
*Fine, don’t underestimate your power again please* taking his breath   
“You know I’m not good with words and this how I show you” he stopped talking as Loki holds his hand looking at his eyes and said weakly   
“I...know” and hugged him   
*see, this can do the job instead of crushing me* he signed smiling and sit down continuing his meal   
“Why you didn’t talk to me? “Clint said frowning   
*You talk a lot* he grinned *just some words, not good with words? I can’t even say two words right* he smiled bitterly his mouth twitching   
“This won’t last for long have faith brother” Thor said comforting him  
“What is your plans for today guys?” Natasha said taking a cake  
“Nothing, the usual but I really wanna watch this new movie” Clint said   
“What movie?”   
“This Sherlock guy”  
“It’s a series you fool” Tony smirked  
“Whatever, you gonna watch or not?”   
“DUH,Of course”   
“What about you Loki , join us” Steve said   
Loki’s face turned red when he realised everyone is looking at him, he moved closer to Thor hiding behind him a little grabbing his cape   
“Hey, don’t worry I’m here with you right ? And they are friends” Thor whispered to him stepping beside him  
“Aren’t we friends? So common it’ll be fun” Clint said approaching him   
Loki nodded smiling a little going with Clint and Thor stayed back for a while with the others   
“Wow, he is still acting the same” Tony said surprised   
“Like a child again , why” Natasha asked Bruce  
“Dunno, but may be his memory loss taking another side effects you know”   
“You have theory?” Tony asked  
“the last examination results showed strange activity in the brain , if a normal person had it he might be dead now or suffering from failure in brain functioning, but he seemed okay, only some side effects”   
“Are they harmful?” Thor asked worried  
“Until now, no, you will realise some changes in his behaviour he will become more ...Frail “   
“Like a child?”   
“not exactly, you said he was good at hiding his feelings, now he will find this difficult they will express themselves even in a more obvious way and he can’t help it or realise that he is doing this”   
“you mean it'll be like his normal nature for him that he won’t feel a difference?” Natasha asked   
“exactly”   
“Well, this can be good , for once I’ll be able to know how he feels without pretending” Thor said smiling   
“But it won’t last along”   
“Better not waste it then” he said walking away   
“Any other effects you won’t tell ?” Tony asked him quietly  
“Some, but still haven’t make sure they exist”   
“Keep me updated will you”   
“yeah, sure, now let’s join the other”   
Thor was sitting on the sofa with loki leaning on him with his head on Thor’s chest while Natasha and Clint on the other sofa and Clint resting his hand on her shoulder and Steve on the big chair , so they had to sit together on the left sofa   
It was awkward for all of them to sit together like this watching telly, but it was warming made them felt like a real family   
Loki presence make it more stranger, their previous enemy sitting with them and everyone of them is trying his best to make him feel comfortable and home, and his reaction when he first see the telly was the best, he couldn’t hide his admiration and wonder not like Thor when he first saw it , he destroyed it to see where these people come from then claimed it’s a dark magic   
Loki was more into it, he looked at it like the key to a new world ...a world need to he discovered by him, so he kept in his mind to come here after they sleep to explore it   
They were all excited by this show , it was genius like Clint used to say every time Sherlock make a deduction, except for Loki who found it boring in the beginning, he even yawned many time almost falling asleep   
“Someone is bored” Tony smirked  
“What? No way, you don’t like it?” Clint whined  
Loki raised his shoulder signing *People deduct everyday”   
“I’m 100℅ sure ordinary people don’t do that, Sherlock” Clint scoffed  
“Guys, shut up” Steve said trying to focus   
“At least cap like it” Clint said chuckling  
The next episode was much more intense even Loki was taken by it, this Moriarty controlling everything like they all just puppets in his hands   
“Yeah I know, like watching me right?” The voice smirked   
“Bad choice, how they make you watch this, don’t they know you are already living it?” he said in a pretended worried tone   
Loki started to move nervously and looking around worried  
“Is everything okay?” Thor asked him realising his restless  
Loki didn’t answer instead he shacked his head nervously trying to make this voice stop   
“Hey, what’s wrong!” Thor said holding him as he started to tremble again   
Everyone looked at them worried of could’ve happened to him   
“Doesn’t this John remind you of someone?” The voice hissed   
“You don’t hurt him or any one of them....your fight is with me only me” Loki started to cry, he can stand to suffer to live like this forever but Thor he can’t let anything happen to him, he doesn’t deserve this, only him deserve it.  
“Ugh, you such a drama queen, all this nonsense just because i said i like this Moriarty guy, no more telly for you kid, my god you make me feel sick” he said in spiteful tone   
“Loki, answer me what’s wrong?” Thor cried shaking him “ Please, why you don’t answer me” he started to worry so did the rest, they stood in front of the trembling curled body unable to think or do anything 

all what they can hear now was something loki said before” How could you fight what you can’t see” they knew it was him again poisoning his thoughts , they prepared themselves for whatever lies this voice is pouring in his head but it was Thor they were worried about this time, how much he had to handle yet  
Loki moved slowly sitting straightened covering his face breathing deeply   
“What happened for god sake” Clint yelled  
“Coward” Loki shouted in a husky voice trembling   
“What?” Clint asked stepping pack” No, you listen to me well I don’t know what he said to you this time and I don’t care, but to call yourself a coward why?” he shouted at him   
“No he is right” Thor said walking away   
“Not really a good time Thor” Steve said   
“But he is right, this here, whoever is he , is not my brother”   
“What the hell are you saying?” Steve shouted looking at Loki worried who was staring at his brother in disbelief with tears gathered in his eyes  
“My brother...my Loki was nothing like this, he was arrogant yes full of ego crap yes mischievous always, but also naïve silly child but coward? Never Loki i know was anything but coward so if this was really him, he must better get his shit together and be the man i know he is” Thor said moving towards him and grabbed him to stand up   
Loki stared at him with red eyes he thought he was going to cry again but what he didn’t know that he was angry so angry, loki stepped forward almost stuck to him, he took a deep breath then he punched him with all power left on him but it was enough to knock him down   
“Hey, easy buddy” Clint shouted holding him back while Steve and Bruce moved to help Thor   
“Coward you....you call me a coward” Loki shouted ignoring the pain it caused   
“When will ever use...the empty head...of yours....you will always..be..stupid oaf” he started to cough badly biting his lip from the pain   
“You angry?” Thor said shocked “ I thought you were...” he gasped crushing on the chair covering his face   
“Just to be honest Loki, I think we all thought the same go easy on him” Steve said trying to calm the situation  
“Yeah, how we supposed to know that, you are hard to read man” Clint said   
Loki took a deep breath then he walked towards Thor grabbing him up  
“Loki, just sit down and talk” Clint yelled moving him away from Thor   
“No, stay away...let him do what he wants” Thor said and walked to him “wanna hit me again do it, there is so much anger in you I know I can feel it but first tell me why” Thor cried  
*you wanna know why I’m angry? Fine, I won’t tell only you but all of them and this bastard if he is here* he sighed tiredly, he knew this will cause him a long night of pain but it must be done   
“Angry...this...threatened to hurt ... You ... He dares to just think of this...you called me coward...no Th...Thor I’m not..weak, just can’t stand ...the idea of you getting hurt...because of..me” he leaned to the chair trying to stop his trembling when he felt his bones crushed in the arms of Thor, he didn’t push him away as he felt his warm tears on his shoulder and his shaking body, he was crying...Thor was crying he gasped , he never saw him crying since they were children even when he told him he cried the past few days he didn’t believe him he thought he was saying this to make him fell better but now all his doubts goes away, he really loves this big oaf , he can feel his powers slips away the cold surrounds him again but he doesn’t really care he hugs him back closing his eyes, everything seems peaceful now and so quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sherloki fan ❤ so hell yeah :V the avengers do watch Sherlock :p


	25. Child of soul

Thor felt him slipping away, he carry him to the nearest sofa , he took his cape and wrapped it around him sitting next to him holding his hand which was cold   
“Is he...” Clint asked worried  
“He needs to rest, silly child he didn’t need to be that angry” he said smiling sadly  
“All of this because he threatened to hurt you!, I didn’t think he loves you that much” Tony exclaimed  
“Me neither, god, I should have known all these years accompanying me on my trips though he hated it just to keep an eye on me, protecting me, if I only was with him that day nothing of this would ever happened” thor sighed   
“You can’t change the past but you have all the future to make it right, can’t you see ? Months ago you thought him dead and now he is here with you, You have a second chance believe me not all of us are fortunate to have one” Steve said quietly though they can feel the break in his voice   
“well, now he can’t dare to deny he cares for you anymore” Bruce smirked   
“Don’t have...anyone else” they heard him muttering sitting straight  
“what do you mean by that?” Thor asked him quickly   
*I only have you no one else* he looked away hiding his tears   
“What about mother?” he asked in shock   
Loki didn’t answer him still looking away   
“Answer me” Thor shouted at him   
“Hey, buddy you need to calm down or this won’t end well you know that” Steve said worried by how things become serious  
“What you forgot about mother this easily” Thor snarled   
*She forgot me* he looked hurt   
“No, I’m sure she and father would come soon and we will go home” he said quietly assuring him   
*home?... I don't have one I never had*  
“Why you say such a thing?” Thor asked hurt by his talking  
*Cause whatever I tried no one will believe me, whatever I did I will never belong so why bother myself *  
"Asgard is your home and always will be, come with and our father will…"  
"He is not... my father" loki parked interrupting him   
"So am I not your mother?" Frigga asked quietly, she appeared behind them no one sees her coming   
"Mother" thor said in surprise and Frigga nodded at him   
"Am I not your mother loki?"  
"you're not" he said coldly trying to hide his nervousness   
"Loki" thor parked at him   
"No thor, leave him " she said walking towards loki "always so perceptive about everyone but yourself " she said smiling at him stretching her hand to him   
Loki shaked his head looking away then he moved his hands towards hers holding them   
*With me you will never be safe you must stay away*  
"I don't care , to be her with you seeing you safe is all what I care about" she said hugging him , loki hesitated for a while then he hugged her back   
"My dear child, my baby I missed you so much"   
"Me too" loki said blushing and thor laughed a little at how he looks   
"No it can't ....happen again " loki cried jerking away from her   
"What is wrong?" Frigga asked worried by this sudden change   
"I saw this before ...they will attack us and he…he will kill you , I don't want to see you die in front of my eyes again no " loki cried clattering coughing badly  
"Nothing will happen I promise, you're safe her with me …with all of us" Frigga said holding him tightly as he closed his eyes mumbling some words   
"He made him saw this" thor said enraged then the thunder went trampling making loki trembling a little, moving closer to Frigga

"Stop thor, you know your brother hate it" Frigga said   
"Oaf" Loki said weakly   
"I'm sorry" Thor said sitting next to them   
"Stay" Frigga said softly holding Loki to stay in her arms "I missed you very much just stay like this" he leaned his head on her shoulder closing his eyes he missed her too   
"Boy I don't understand you at all, few minutes ago I thought you will go insane now look at you sleeping like a baby" Tony scoffed   
"At first I thought him like Nat… always so secretive about your feeling always saying the opposite but I was wrong you think feeling is weakness you never tell anyone how you Really feel you lie even to yourself " Clint said   
"He won't answer you" Frigga said rubbing his hair  
"Why won't he?" Clint asked impatiently  
"If you asked me something what do you expect from me ?" Natasha asked him   
"Nothing, you will never give me a bloody answer…oh"  
"Exactly" Natasha grinned   
"But you know the answer?" Thor asked Frigga  
"Of course he can't hide anything from me even if he tried because of this one thing" she said looking at loki who was sleeping now  
"Which is?" Tony asked   
"his real parentage"  
"You mean laufey?!" Thor asked confused  
"What? No…loki is not Laufey son he never was, not Odin son as well that is real he only belongs to only one person"  
"Frigga son, right?..." Banner said quietly   
"yes, and no one can make him think the opposite even loki himself" she said firmly   
"I'm the one who raised him up, took care of him, taught him everything he knew, so if anything went wrong I'm responsible of it not him …I know loki thinks he failed me down but the truth is I'm the one who failed him by not telling him the truth failed him every time I kept silent seeing him suffer , when he is afraid of looking at me thinking I might see him as a monster this means I failed him down this means I'm not different from the others"  
Loki let her go moving away , he stood away near the corner breathing heavily then rapidly gasping …he can't take his breath  
"S…stop saying this" he said weakly , he walked leaning to the wall heading to his room   
"Loki, please stay…why you keep walking away from me" Frigga cried   
"I can't"  
"Brother what is wrong with you? You were never like that" Thor said grabbing his arm making him face them and loki moaned in pain   
"Let me go" Loki parked trying to hide his weakness but he couldn’t he fall to the ground hiding his face sobbing   
“Is it something he told you?“ Natasha asked him and he just nodded  
“I think I know what he said to you” Frigga said sadly sitting next to him and he just looked at her   
“He told you that they don’t love you and they forgot you not missing you at all, he told you they have a feast just after you fall, not caring for their dead son, he told you they didn’t look for you even once didn’t he” she cried   
Loki looked away covering his ears not wanting to hear all of this again when he felt her hand grabbing his face gently to face her   
“But he didn’t tell you how much we all cried how we mourned you, how many nights I spent it in your room waiting for you to come back , he didn’t tell you that Thor only came to live here because he can’t bare to live there where you won’t be around with everything reminding him of you, he didn’t tell you how your father blamed himself fir your death everyday regretting not telling you how much he loves you , he didn’t tell you that he fell on Odin’s sleep the day he knew you were under their control suffering two years no he did not tell you any of that” she sobbed quietly   
Loki stood up looking around him lost and shocked by what he heard he jerked back leaning to the wall feeling everything fading around him and can’t take his breath he gasped in pain feeling his heart beats racing and cold surrounding him he felt someone holding him saying his name but it seemed it came from far away   
“Loki, answer me” Thor shaked him worried   
“What is happening? Shouldn’t have I told him that” Frigga asked covering her mouth in fear   
Loki opened his eyes and pushed Thor away breathing heavily   
“Loki, listen to me” Frigga pleaded  
“No...he said....and now you...no you can’t do this to me” he sobbed leaning to the wall covering his ears shaking himself muttering the same words again   
“Mother” Thor called her in desperate, she knelt in front of him holding his face between her hands and looked at him in the eyes   
“You’re my son loki my greatest joy and gift and never doubt that whatever this cursed voice say to you only listen to my voice now”   
Loki stopped shaking and looked at her with eyes full of tears wanting to believe this   
“You don’t...hate me?”   
“Hate you” she gasped hurt “ How can I hate myself...how can I hate the child of my soul?” She cried hugging him “please come back to me you don’t know how much I missed you”  
She felt his grip around her loosen and his body relaxing closing his eyes whispering “Don’t leave me”   
She looked at Thor who carried him putting him gently on the sofa   
“He still doesn’t remember anything” she said sighing in relief   
“And this is good?” Thor asked her   
“Yes, we’re not ready to face this maybe won’t ever be”   
“I thought we lost him again” Pepper said sitting next to him   
“Tell me about it...I haven’t felt this nervous in years” Tony said pouring himself a drink   
“Thor don’t let this making you forget the real reason for his anger” Frigga said quietly   
“What is that?” he asked   
“You...this voice threatening you made him this angry he may not remember many things but there is one thing he won’t forget, you know what is that Thor?”  
“Protecting each other” he said quietly   
“That’s true now I’m afraid I’ve to go back Asgard needs me”   
“Father? Is he?”  
“He will be fine we went through this before, next time I come I won’t be alone and won’t go back alone too” she said hugging him then she leaned next to Loki holding his hand kissing his forehead “protect him for me Thor, he needs you more than he leads you to believe” he nodded watching her fading in the light   
“Can’t we ever just have a nice calm day at all” Tony whined and they all nodded agreeing   
“See now I really feel jealous” Thor said frowning and blushing a little   
“Loki Friggason huh, can’t blame you buddy” Tony smirked   
“Come on Thor don’t be mean you two, you know how he desperately needed this, with your parents strange absence I’m sure we all thought the same as he” Pepper said  
“Yeah, I hope now he will feel better but will really leave?” Steve asked   
“When time comes we must go home it’s our responsibility”   
“But Loki won’t he face any problems there?”   
“If someone wishes to die let them only goes near him” Thor said firmly   
“Aren’t you worried repeating all of this again? What if he feels the same again? What guarantee that things would be different and he won’t be just your shadow again” Bruce asked   
“Because we will live here on Midgard both of us and when time comes and we should go back to take responsibilities after father we shall go back to role together as kings”   
“You mean both of you kings is this possible?”   
“We will do it like we always did, one put strategies and the other apply it” Thor said smiling   
“Your mother will be really proud of you Thor, that’s why she doesn’t wore about you like him, you are the big brother after all” 

“Sir, Agent Coulson is here” Jarvis said  
“Ugh what does fury wants now” Tony whined  
“Let him wait in the meeting room and we’ll be there in minutes” Steve said   
“Miss Potts you too are needed”   
“But..Loki” pepper said   
“I can’t leave him “ Thor yelled   
“I know, just come to see what he wants that’s all” Steve said assuring him  
Thor nodded and followed them to meet Coulson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cuolson is here yeah :V hope you liked it ;)


	26. The ice's fire

“what do you want this time?” Tony snarled  
“Nice to see you too Stark, how is Loki?”  
“Fine” Tony said bored  
“okay then, pack up you all have a new mission”  
“What mission?” Steve asked  
“several actually cap, you and Nat are needed in the headquarter”  
“For what?”  
“all I can say it is related to hydra”  
“and us?” Tony asked  
“Well Clint is required in Moscow, stark Thor and Bruce an alien technology believed to be the Chitauri had been detected in Germany”  
“What? Again!”Thor parked  
“And what about me? We can’t all go leaving Loki alone” pepper exclaimed  
“We need Stark industries to make an offer for some bad people and you are the one “  
“still we can’t leave him alone” Thor said enraged  
“Uhm, that’s why I’m here”  
“What? Don’t tell me you do babysitting now“ Tony smirked  
“I’m afraid I’ve no chance to refuse this, it will only be for couple of days till miss Potts finishes her job”  
“You will stay here? With Loki?” Tony said trying not to laugh  
“I can’t take him to the bus can I? My team will definitely recognise him and his presence here on earth must be kept unknown”  
“But he doesn’t know you and we have very bad days to make him trust us beside this is not a good time to leave him” Thor cried  
“But it’s emergency Thor, those aliens are back and god knows what they are up to this time” Steve said  
“Maybe we can get some information from them about you know who” Tony said  
“Fine, but I won’t leave till I speak to him first”  
“Of course buddy “ Steve said  
“Hey, Coulson he doesn’t remember anything so don’t dare tell a word to him” Clint said firmly  
“Wow, Clint what did he do to you ? You changed a lot” Tony smirked  
“I saw him Stark the real him so some nice won’t hurt”  
“Don’t worry all I’m asking for now is you to tell me everything you know about dealing with him” Coulson said smiling  
“Well he won’t trust you and will try to play the tough guy role of course” Tony said  
“To make him eat ugh you will need a miracle” pepper said  
“He loves pancakes though” Steve giggled  
“And anything have chocolate in it” pepper said excited  
“Does he love company or leave him alone?”  
“No, you can’t leave him even if he didn’t wanna you to stay” Thor yelled  
“Why?” Coulson was confused  
“Uh, he get ill yes ill, so you can’t leave him” pepper said hesitating  
“Guys, no secrets please, if there anything I need to know say it”  
“Well there is this bastard who turned his life into hell, pouring lies into his head, he can’t talk properly so I hope you know sign language, he is ill very ill, he had nightmares every time he closes his eyes , enough or do you need to know more” Thor said in anger though his voice was breaking  
“Thor, I’m sorry I... I didn’t know” Coulson said feeling sad for him  
“He is awaken sir” Jarvis said  
“Okay I’ll go first then you bring him after a while” Thor said leaving them  
“Don’t be angry with him it was just a really bad day “ Steve said patting his shoulder  
“I’m not, I just have the feeling that I got the hardest mission here” he said gulping  
“Man, you don’t know” Tony said chuckling  
“Alone with Loki, god I can’t even think of it and today particularly god be with you my boy” Clint smirked  
“But you said he is nice right? Not a bad person” Coulson whined  
“Can’t nice people be grumpy for a while, beside he loses his nerves quickly , he is Thor’s brother what did you think he would be” Clint scoffed  
“Don’t be mean, Loki is nice and...”  
“Pepper, I swear if you called him cute again” Tony whined  
“But he is cute, Tony” pepper said and both Natasha and Clint nodded agreed  
“You need to spend some time with him , you only see him if there is a disaster” Bruce said  
“Ugh, even you, what about you cap?”  
“Well, he is nice that’s for sure, I don’t know but he reminds me of someone I know very well” Steve said  
“So I’m the only one here” Tony yelled  
“You know both of you may get along very well, he is genius you know” Pepper said  
“Yeah, he will understand your English imagine that” Clint smirked  
“You forgot we do this already or what” Tony smirked  
“Phil, there is something else” Pepper sighed looking to Bruce  
“I hoped to keep this from you guys for a while but after today I think you should know”  
“Dude, you creeping me out just talk already” Clint said feeling worried  
“He may suffer from some certain side effects till now it showed no harm to him but we don’t know how it will be later”  
“And it started to show up or what?” Clint asked  
“The inability to talk well, dizziness, headache, and not be able to control his emotion he can’t hide them as well behaving strange express his feelings in sever way, this what we know for now”  
“Will he recover from it?” Coulson asked  
“Honestly we don’t know, just let us hope it doesn’t exceed this”  
When Thor returned to him, Loki was sitting wrapping himself with his cape, he looked nervous that he didn’t feel his presence searching for his mother frowning  
“She left a while ago, she needed to go back but she promised she will come again with father this time” Thor said and Loki just nodded  
“still angry?” Thor asked sitting next to him, Loki didn’t answer he looked at him then looked down again  
“You fool child I’ll keep calling you this, I’m your big brother I’m the one who should take care of you not the opposite, a silly threat from this filthy voice made you that afraid that angry, don’t underestimate your powers Thor isn’t that what you keep telling me huh? Why you don’t follow your own words you idiot” Thor said holding Loki’s face to face his  
“But..” Loki was about to say something when Thor put his hand on his mouth shutting him  
“No more talking for you today, enough what happened to you already”  
Loki sighed smiling a little and signed*I was always there by your side protecting you even if you don’t need protection but now it’s different I’m not strong like I was before if anything happened I’ll useless and only slowing you , I’m afraid of losing you Thor, You have all the right not to believe me cause I never showed you that I care about you but I always did by being there for you , I didn’t need words then but now words are the only thing I can give to you, yes I’m afraid now, how to be brave when every step I take I fall*  
“How to be afraid when I’m with you in every step you take I’ll be there right next to you, you will never slow me or cause me losing you know why? Because you is all what matters nothing else, I lost you once losing myself now you’re back you think I’ll let you go”  
“think I’m fortunate then*  
“Why?”  
*I never lost you and when I did all its memories are gone, and I’m willing never to lose you*  
“Gosh, can you stay like this for ever please, all I can see now is my little brother who used to come to my room afraid of the thunder “  
*you used to pretend to fight it with your wooden sword and winning every time* loki giggled  
“Of course I were always the mightiest warrior” Thor chuckled and Loki hugged him tightly  
“How Am I supposed to leave now?” Thor whined wiping his tears laughing  
*Where are you going* Loki asked frowning  
“The people you fought and caused you this are back and I have many questions needing answers and I’m determine of getting them”  
“You have to go?* he looked sad  
“Yes I’m afraid”  
“Uhm, Thor may I come” Coulson said embarrassed  
“Son of coul, of course come in”  
“get in buddy, god, I don’t know who is going to take care of the other” Tony smirked pushing Coulson  
“This is agent Phil Coulson he will stay here with till one of us come back, okay Loki” Pepper said smiling  
*You all leaving?*  
“I feel terrible now, why he has to look like a kicked out puppy” Tony whined  
Loki chuckled softly of Tony’s face covering his mouth stopping himself from laughing  
“I can stay really” Pepper said staring at him making him feel shy again  
“Goodbye, god , can he be more adorable than he already is” Pepper said leaving quickly  
“You are losing her Tony” Clint burst out laughing  
“Bye Loki, see you soon” Natasha said kissing his forehead  
“What is the trick tell me!” Clint whined  
“Thank god Jane is not here” Thor muttered  
*What did you say”  
“Huh, nothing, stay safe ok and don’t do anything stupid till I come back”  
*How could I , you taking all of it with you* he grinned  
“Goodbye, take care of yourself Bucky” Steve said and Loki stared at him perplexed “I mean Loki, take care of yourself Loki” Steve said leaving the room quickly “God, everything at him reminding me of Bucky why?!”  
“Common guys we are not leaving for ever” Tony yelled  
“Shut up Stark, now you take your medicine on time understand and Phil is here to make sure you follow this” Bruce said  
“When I get back we will have our game okay bud” Clint said missing with Loki’s hair teasing him  
“Uhm, hi, so it just you and me huh” Phil said doesn’t know what the hell is he going to do  
Loki looked around searching for his note and looked back at him  
“Oh, no, you don’t need to, believe it or not I know sign language”  
*Good, then, are you going to stand all the day* he grinned  
“Huh? No” Phil said sitting down  
*They called you agent what does it mean?*  
“We all work for this organizatin’shield’ your brother and the rest they are called ‘The avengers’ part of shield too”  
*Who are the people Thor went to fight?*  
“I’ve orders from your brother not to tell you anything about it, it’s for your own good”  
Loki frowned disappointed with his answer *I’m not a child to hide things from me*  
“And who said you are? But there are things better kept a secret for the sake of everyone” Phil said smiling  
*I’m bored* he looked annoyed by his answer  
“well, I’m sure we can do something about that” he smiled getting up “watch a movie maybe”  
Loki nodded with a hint of a smile on his face  
“Choose a movie from this set till I make some popcorn”  
Loki was perplexed for a moment before he started to read the names appearing in the screen and watching its posters he finally chose a one with drawing of fish on it  
“Finding Nemo, I love this one” Phil said childishly “Uhm, popcorn?” he blushed and Loki giggled  
They watched the movie well Loki watched it while Phil was secretly watching him seeing how reacts with it sometimes he frowns another he laughs it seemed he was enjoying it very much  
When it ended he looked at him saying “You loved it?”  
Loki nodded and signed*Can we watch something else now? The news maybe”  
Phil knew what he is up to, trying to get information about the people Thor went to fight  
“Can’t let you, sorry your brother’s orders”  
“orders? To Lock me up here not telling me anything * Loki signed agitated  
“No, you get it wrong” Phil said quickly  
*Explain then* Loki gazed at him  
“It’s only for your own good, you know Thor won’t do anything unless it’s for your sake and to keep you safe” he said in calming way  
*What? Can’t I take care of myself? I’m not a child why you all treat me like one* Loki felt the anger controlling him why they always try to make him feel weak feel pathetic, like he always needs protection he is warrior too for god sake  
*If you excuse me I would like to go back to my room now*  
“But.” Loki didn’t give him the chance to finish his sentence he left the room without giving him any attention at all, Phil sighed sitting down pouting  
“What a good first impression “he smirked , what should I do now Thor warned me of leaving him alone but he didn’t say this include when he sleeps or not, why is even must be my responsibility, last time he almost kill me and now I supposed to babysitting him this is absurd for god sake, he is worse than Thor and I thought Thor to be edgy , well what you know!,  
“Now I have to deal with this paranoiac edgy guy who seemed to be genius as well, this must be my lucky day” Phil whined  
“Sir, I must remind you of Mr Thor instructions which you obviously neglecting it”  
“I know Jarvis, no need to remind me I didn’t forget I simply can’t think what the hell I’m supposed to do”  
“You may start by giving him his medicine”  
“Is it time already? “ he wondered looking at his watch  
Phil stood on front of his room hesitant of knocking “really Coulson Fury will demand your head if he saw you now” he shaked his head pouting then knocked on the door , he got no answer so knocked again thinking this was a bad idea and when the door was opened he was sure that is was.  
Loki stood there glancing at him angrily then he simply turned going back to his bed ignoring him completely, Phil couldn’t miss to notice his unsteady walking like was dizzy he thought  
“Hey, are you okay?” He asked in a worried voice surprised him  
“Fine” Loki said in weak husky voice despite his try to make it his normal cold tone  
“Your brother said you shouldn’t talk” Coulson said quietly pouring some water on the glass  
“I do what I want” Loki parked in anger which didn’t last long as he started to cough again badly  
“Okay okay “ Phil said quickly raising his both hands in front of him to calm him down “Now , can you at least take your medicine please”  
Loki hesitated for a moment it always makes him fall asleep and he doesn’t want to , It will only give him more bad dreams and ...Thor won’t be here when it happens  
He noticed the worried look on Loki’s face he knew this drug cause the person to sleep was he afraid of falling asleep or maybe he doesn’t trust him not to try poisoning him but Pepper did say he had nightmares and Thor was nervous about it too  
“Look you don’t have to worry I...” Phil paused as Loki stood in front of him taking it from him then went back to the bed again  
“Of course you will do that” Phil muttered don’t look surprised what else he expected from him, though he doesn’t know him well but he won’t be anything but like his brother, never show weakness in front of anyone  
But what Phil didn’t know is that Loki was doing his best not to let his fear or weaknesses taking even the slightest appearance on him  
“Well, goodnight then I think, if you need anything I’ll be in my room” he said leaving him but can’t stop himself feeling worried or was it guilt of leaving him alone despite all they told him but Loki won’t let him stay in the room and he prefer not to mess with him  
He lay down on his bed moaning a little his injury didn’t heal completely yet causing him terrible pain with any wrong or ridiculously unaware movement, but he was glad that he was alive, he let a laugh get out of him remembering that he is here now to take care of the one who caused it, though he listened to all of them explaining how Loki was controlled too like Clint and that he wasn’t that evil he still has his doubts what if it was just a trick and he is waiting for the right time to kill them all , well of course he thought of this many times even shared his concern with fury remembering his answer  
“You wouldn’t be alive now if he was evil”  
And he was right they told him that who stabbed him wasn’t meaning to kill him it was from a short distance and even a child can’t mess it, a few inches from his heart they said, but doesn’t this mean that part of him was awake all the time!!


	27. Begging In My Destiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This special month rquires some changes :D New updating time may be late for you guys but I'm so sorry :)  
> So enjoy the new chap ❤

He couldn’t sleep as the feeling that something bad is going to happen or already happened grow with every minute passes, he asked Jarvis about him almost every ten minutes getting the same answer every time... He is asleep and that he is okay...But this feeling won’t let him believe that,at last he decided to go to his room and stay with him either he likes it or not.  
Phil entered the room without bother knocking first leaving it open allowing small ray of light guiding his way inside, he reached out his hand till found the light switch, won’t turn on all the lights of course, he wasn’t that rude, just small light so he can see Loki.  
Just one look at him and he was sure that he made the right decision, Loki was mumbling some words that he didn’t understand as it came out muffled, his body was trembling a little and sweating heavily, but what made him horrified was the blood started pouring from his mouth, Phil froze not knowing what to do, watching him become paler and the restless movements just stopped.  
Phil did the only thing Fury warned him of...he called one of his team members almost begging her to leave everything and come to stark tower at once  
When she arrived she was excited, she was standing in front of stark tower AKA avenger's tower , a chance to meet her hero at last Dr Bruce , oh how much she begged Coulson to introduce her to the doctor , Coulson always answer with just his sweet smile and not saying anything however she wasn’t eager that her first visit to be like that, he almost cried at her to come this only means a big trouble and from the point he only asked her help that means a medical one, someone is hurt...badly  
She was shocked by how her boss looked with blood on his clothes and the terrified look on his face, she gulped nervously following him not listening to a single word of what he said  
“Simmons”  
“uh, yes”  
“focus for god sake” he cried “I only called you because I trust you not to tell anyone about this or the person you’re going to take care of alright, not even Fitz understood”  
“Yes sir, can you please tell me now what’s going on and whose blood is this” Simmons said almost freaked out  
He just pointed at her to follow him to a room where there was a man sleeping or that what she thought first till she noticed the blood around him, she walked towards him carefully wondering where did she see this face before , when it hit her she jerked back gasping “Loki?”  
“Just help him” Phil pleaded  
Despite her shock she started to check him quickly , taking mind notes, she started to clean him from the blood, examining his eyes reaction to the light, taking his blood pressure, then she opened her bag and started to prepare a drug inserting it into syringe then she injected him with it when blood start to fill his mouth again  
“help me make him sit quickly” she shouted worried and Phil nearly crushed beside them lifting loki up , she started to pat on his back gently to prevent him chocking on his own blood, this last over thirty minutes till he calmed down and this weird seizures seemed to come to an end  
‘What did you give him? And why it took so long to work?” Phil said out of his breath  
“Nothing, just some sedative, see this?” She pointed at the little tool she used to check on him “ Fitz, made it, the scanner checked his body for injury or any organ failure may cause this but it find none”  
“So what the hell caused this? I only left him for an hour or two at most!” He said tiredly feeling regret of leaving him alone  
“Well it’s not physical that’s for sure so it may be psychological “  
“Can a very bad nightmare cause it?” he asked suspiciously  
“Yes, I think so”  
“Well, I’m definitely dead” he whined  
“For the love of god can you tell me why are you babysitting Loki?” she exclaimed  
Phil continued like he didn’t hear her “If Fury knew I called you here, he will kill me, no one is supposed to know about Loki presence here, and Thor, oh my god” he cried imagining what would Thor do to him  
“Excuse me, isn’t he the bad guy her or am I mistaken?” she snarled  
“uhm, that’s classified, thank you Simmons , you go back now before someone notices your absence” he said walking her out of the room  
“But...”  
“And don’t tell anyone about that understand , that’s an order”  
“Coulson, you seriously think you can call me anytime like this then kick me out” she said agitated  
“well, yes my dear, and I’m not kicking you out, your mission is finished, simple” he said grinning  
“You owe me a big one” she said before she vanished in the elevator, Phil sighed going back to Loki but first he has to inform Fury , he took a deep breath “He won’t be glad with this at all” and he was right...

“you did what?” Phil thought he was going to jump on him from the screen strangling him  
“I had to, we were going to lose him if it wasn’t for Simmons “  
“Fine, but if any one heard about Loki oh you don’t want to know what i will do to you then”  
“Uhm, yes sir no one I promise”  
“and you pissed him off what the hell ? You have been there only for some damn hours , we don’t want any problems with Asgard Coulson, he still a prince after all”  
“What did I do? He doesn’t wanna me near him” Phil whined  
“Coulson, even Stark managed to gain his friendship even it was just nodding to each other, use your character, why I choose you for god sake” he parked  
“You only trust me to be with him, and I’m pretty sure Loki didn’t even notice Tony yet” He grinned  
“They are coming back in two days time at most, no more problems Coulson” Fury said  
“Yes sir” Phil sighed closing his tablet

 

He felt them tying him to this cold iron table, he can see him hooded like always but he wasn’t by himself there were two more dressing just like him, he felt the blade touching his body cutting deep from shoulder to shoulder in straight line, he felt the other carving something on his back, he heard their cruel laughter  
“What? Is that all what you can do?” he smirked at them laughing in try to hide his pain  
“You think you are brave by acting like this” he whispered at him with his cold voice grabbing his hair painfully  
“Well yes, you can do your little games for as long as you want but I never work for you ...you filthy creature”  
“Look who is talking ? Or did you forget what you are, you runt” he hissed cutting through his body again  
“I’m Loki , that is all what you need to know”  
“I know who you are , the runt whose father left him to die because he just a little shit”  
“He is not my father” Loki parked  
“Oh, so it would be Odin , who never sees you as a worthy son , leaving you to fall, celebrating his real worthy son victory not showing slightest grieve upon your death”  
“I’m not..he is not..” he startled  
“What he is not your father too? So what are you? A bastard ? Even bastards have father”  
“Stop” Loki cried  
“So soon?! You didn’t even last to the end of the day you such disgrace”  
“Thor” Loki whispered sobbing silently  
“Thor? You think he cares for you? How can you even imagine him caring for a frost giant?” he laughed  
“He is my brother” Loki cried  
“What brother? He never looked at you as his equal for him you were just his servant”  
“No, he is my brother, he loves me” Loki said not knowing he was saying a fact or questioning it  
“Is that doubt?” He smirked “If he loved you and sees you as his brother why he fought with you ? Why he tried to hurt you for the sake of the mortal woman he loves? What is this love which can be forgotten in minutes seeking a few days old relationship by destroying a life time one?”  
“He...he loves me...I’m his brother ...he won’t leave me” Loki sobbed , his brother won’t leave him here he will search for him rescue him from this suffering , but why he didn’t look for me ?  
“Can’t you see, you are dead for him , he didn’t even bother himself looking for you at all, he gave up on you Loki “ his laughs became higher and higher till Loki can only hear it and nothing else not even the sound of him crying .  
Phil fell asleep on the chair next to loki, it was peaceful night well till now, a scream torn the silence of the night sending him to his feet gasping in fear  
He turn on the lights quickly only to see Loki curling upon himself sobbing mumbling some words that he can recognise this time , it only made his heart aching with sorrow on hearing calling for his brother begging him not leave him alone and not to gave up on him  
Phil sat next to him, patting him gently to wake up from this terrible dream, he holds him with both of his hands and for his surprise he was so small and fragile he was just a kid Phil thought  
Loki opened his eyes letting out a muffled cry and tried to move away  
“Hush, stay, it’s okay Loki, don’t hold it , let it go , cry if you think it will make you feel better, cry as it’s the only way to save you the pain” Phil said holding him tightly  
“Th...Thor” Loki muttered  
“He will be back soon , didn’t he promise you that?” Phil said gently and Loki nodded at him sniffling before he realised he wasn’t Thor  
“not thor...not thor..” his mind start to work quickly , he jerked back to the end of the bed grabbing his blanket  
“Loki!” Phil muttered frowning , he moved slowly trying to calm him down making him only fell off the bed  
“Hey don’t you remember me? The agent you were fighting with earlier?” he was shocked by how he reacts , he sat next to him on the floor keeping a distance between them trying not to scare him again  
“Well, this awkward but I see now how you make them all fell for you” Phil said smiling at how Loki looked like, he was just a kid , he can see it now a scared kid with this big green sad eyes holding to his blanket , Phil sighed “Yup, cute” he whispered eye widening when he realised what he just said praying Loki didn’t hear him  
Loki frowned hiding a little behind his blanket  
“Hey come out I won’t bite you” Phil giggled thinking of his childish reaction  
Loki came out looking at him wirily before smiling a little and his green eyes looked like it was shining ,he stared at him wondering how this innocent eyes were once called evil  
“Do you feel well now?” he asked him  
Loki nodded looking at his clothes annoyed it was covered with blood stain  
“I know someone needs a shower and some clean clothes” Phil said quietly smiling at him  
*Can you help me get on my feet* he frowned  
“Of course buddy , come “ Phil replied taking his hand helping him to stand , Loki walked slowly to his cupboard taking out some of his clothes and headed to the bathroom  
Phil started to clean up the bed changing the covers with clean ones and tiding the messy room, putting the medicine in the correct order so he won’t mix them , when the door was opened with Loki coming out drying his hair with a towel , he looked much more better than the last night  
“Green and black again , you only know these two colours or what” Phil smirked  
*Well, they suit me* Loki blushed a little  
“Yeah, can’t deny that” he chuckled  
“Hungry?” he asked him softly  
Loki shaked his head nervously holding his stomach  
“What’s wrong? You feel sick?” he asked  
Loki nodded frowning afraid he might throw up if he ate  
“But you need to eat something , your body needs it and to take your medicine too” Phil said “Come we will find something tasty to eat , you like chocolate?” he asked holding his hand  
Loki nodded looking happy  
“Yeah, this may actually work” Phil said to himself smiling  
“The only thing I can cook is cupcakes” he giggled “what about some hot chocolate too” Phil said while loki sat on the chair in front of him watching him cooking with curiosity  
“Voi la, finished” Phil said funnily Putting a plate in front of Loki who looked at him confused  
“Eat” he yelled  
“No” he said  
“No talking, remember” Phil said quietly afraid of repeating earlier scenario  
*I’m not feeling well* his hands was shaking and his eyes rolled back , he leaned down throwing up  
Phil was shocked , he was throwing up blood, Phil rushed to hold him before he fall to the ground , little whimper coming out of him, he felt pain burning inside him, it was endurable that he started to cry  
“Loki, stay with me, don’t close your eyes” Phil yelled carrying him now to the medical wing quickly  
“Jarvis, start your full examination now” Phil shouted  
“Yes sir”  
He waited eagerly till the examination was finished  
“Nothing different sir, it’s the same as the last one doctor Banner did with slight improvement”  
“How is this even possible?” he cried  
“Jarvis, what should I do? I’m no expert” he shouted  
“I think you should give him the medicine Dr Simmons left”  
“I can only give him another sedative? , but we can’t just make him sleep every time this happen to only have him awaken by another nightmare this is torture” he cried  
“You prefer watching him shocking on his blood?” a voice answered him inside his head, he need to act rationally  
“ may I suggest give him something to stop his high blood fluidity and watch him 24/7 till we figure this out” Jarvis said  
“So, what are you waiting for” he shouted satisfied with Jarvis opinion,  
he injected him with some drugs sitting down waiting for him to wake up , an hour passed he was checking his vitals when he heard a weak moan , he ran to his side helping him sit down straight  
“How do you feel ?”  
* What’s wrong with me?* another whimper came out  
“I’ll find this out don’t worry, I’ll do my best I promise you” he said in a cry hugging him ,Loki didn’t stop him he needed it the most, he needed someone to comfort him telling everything is going to be okay and he doesn’t need to worry, that he won’t leave him....But he did  
“Thor” he mumbled weakly  
“Oh, kiddo, you really love him don’t you” he sighed patting his back gently to sleep  
“sir” Jarvis said “You should leave him now and get some rest” Phil looked confused then he realised he fell asleep still holding Loki who slept in his arms  
“How long have I been sitting like this?” he wondered , he put him gently fixing the pillow under his head and turned to leave when he felt him holding his hand mumbling something, he sat next to him “I think I’ll stay with him” he sighed smiling, feeling bit strange, he knew that Loki can’t control his emotion properly but this is different he seems not to recognise him at all, calling thor all the time like he can see him , like he is thinking me thor!!  
Phil can’t call it a quiet night no how can it be with all these nightmare, screams and sobbing it was hell , also the cold, in summer for god sake but he didn’t mess to notice how it was strangely connected to Loki , like his emotions triggers it, wasn’t he a frost giant though he has non a single clue what this supposed to mean, all he saw is an ordinary asgardian well maybe a slim one small one but no doubts he can’t see any giants here, he only saw a broken man..  
Things were surprisingly better this morning , Loki woke up feeling normal still some high temperature and signs of cold but he was actually fine, none of yesterday’s strange seizures, Phil was relieved by this so much  
“You sure? Like completely sure?” Phil asked him again  
Loki nodded patiently “Yes, I’m sure, I feel fine”  
“So about not talking, it’s becoming ridiculous reminding you all the time” Phil pouted frowning ready for another round of their fight but he was surprised when Loki just nodded as sorry  
“You won’t shout at me or get mad?” Phil yelled  
*So I end up coughing blood again* he shacked his head nervously as he was afraid Phil thought  
“But you said you feeling normal , right?” he asked trying to cheer him up  
“How I’ll ever feel normal with all of this noise in here* Loki signed pointing at his head  
“You can beat it up in fact you already did, he doesn’t control you any more and you are much more stronger to be worried by some pathetic voices just ignore it” Phil said putting a hand on Loki’s shoulder “You know, you don’t have to fight this alone”  
Loki stared at him for a while then he smiled at him  
“Come, this time I’ll make you milkshake, chocolate I know you will love it , jut hope it won’t be a déjà vu” Phil gulped worried and loki just raised an eyebrow following him


	28. Believe you're strong

Phil was busy making breakfast when he felt something grabbing him gently from his clothes just pocking him, he turned around to see Loki standing in front of him frowning   
“Why did you get up? And why is this face?” Phil said putting a plate down looking at him   
Loki made his hand into a fist and rub it against in a circular motion across his chest   
“You sorry ? For what? Phil asked perplexed   
*For shouting at you the day before*   
“Oh that, I forgot it already, look I know you are getting through really bad times and I get it, beside you are really like Thor” he grinned “ even more edgy”   
Loki shaked his head childishly folding his hands around himself  
“Oh, come'on you know this well” Phil chuckled giving him the milkshake   
*That’s all I really wanted but no one seemed to notice it* he frowned not taking the glass   
“You mean to be like your brother? But you are already, if they can’t see this it’s their problem not yours” Phil said giving him the glass again determined “sure you’re different from him but this what makes you special this what makes you what you are now”   
*And what am I now*   
“You really don’t know? Well you will find the answer in Thor’s eyes” he smiled at him   
*And they call me silver tongue* he grinned   
“That’s because you can have all what you want with just some words, it’s a gift you know, what can you do with some words, I have too other wise how would I convene you to this” he giggled pointing at the empty glass  
*I love chocolate that’s all*   
“Thanks to pepper ,she is one discovered that” he said laughing   
“Someone said my name?” Pepper asked coming out suddenly causing both of them jumping out of their seats   
“Were you hiding or what?” Phil yelled taking his breath   
“I just arrived” she giggled walking to them   
“You spent a lot of time with Natasha didn’t you” he smirked   
“Maybe, but why” she grinned at him then turned to Loki who was laughing quietly   
“This is what I really missed” she hugged him , Loki froze didn’t know what to do he just blushed   
“I didn’t see this coming” Phil smirked and she nudged him “ ouch, but really how can you make him blush like that” he chuckled   
“He is my baby” she said messing with his hair smiling   
“Your what” he yelled looking at Loki whose both eyes and mouth were wide opened and his face turning red   
He grabbed her hand walking away leaving Loki perplexed of what she said  
“Pepper, my dear he is not a child”   
“I call Tony a child too” she smirked “what can’t you see it? It’s so obvious”   
“You mean?   
“Yes, just another genius with some certain problems maybe more complicated but yeah he is the same ,more nicer and cute though” she said smiling   
“With his brother temper too you know”   
“What more than Tony? I don’t think so, listen I care for him okay I really do, I was the one next to him the first time he woke up, I took care of him , I saw him suffer a lot and seeing him now getting better I can’t help myself I really love him so he is my baby and you can’t change this” she said going back to Loki , he didn’t say a word smiling at her maybe that what Loki needs now more people around him, loving him making him forget all what happened   
“Why is he still not talking?” she asked   
“You said not to let him, that it hurts him” Phil said joining them   
“That’s nonsense, I went to the doctor asking him, he said it’s mental he needs to face it” she exclaimed  
“what do you think?” he asked Loki worried   
He was going to sign again when he stopped thinking of what she said, it made sense he knew that he was just avoiding more fights with Phil about talking or not   
“Fine, but just avoid making me angry” he smirked   
“This maybe a problem you are always angry” Phil scoffed   
“Of course he is, if I was stuck here all the day I would be angry for sure”   
“No, don’t even think of it, you want Fury to kill both of us” he yelled   
“You mean going out?” Loki asked remembering the last time he did   
“yes, aren’t you bored of staying here all the time?”   
“But the... last time I..” his voice was shaking starting to startle again   
“Hey, calm down no need to worry, you won’t be alone this time” she said patting his shoulder   
“Loki, why don’t you go take your medicine and I’ll follow you right away” Phil said quietly, he just nodded walking away   
“See what you did? He is startling again, this is not a good idea what if someone recognized him again? Last time I watched all of you failing to calm him down after what he saw lying to him about it , remember?” he said quietly worried Loki might hear him   
“Yes, but this time we will be with him nothing will happen believe me”   
“there is something you need to know” he looked worried   
“sorry sir, but it’s happening again” Jarvis said   
“No” Phil cried running and she followed him shouting for explanation , when she saw it, Loki was on the floor blood coming out of his mouth and his body was shaking badly , she looked at Phil with horror but he was busy to explain to her, she watched him injecting Loki then holding him straight patting his back letting the blood stuck on his throat to come out then he holds him putting him on the bed sitting next to him covering his face pouting   
“Why you lied to me why” she heard him whispering this words , was he crying ?   
“Phil, what’s wrong with him , what is this blood?” she cried   
“I don’t know , he said he was feeling better this morning I shouldn’t have listened to him”   
“What...what do you mean?  
“We’re losing him, nothing works, I tried everything but in vain , only two days past and he has been under sedatives most of the time”   
“But he was okay, when we left he was getting better” she cried   
“that’s the point , he is getting better and nothing is wrong with him all the results came this way but he is not, he is dying and all we did was injecting him to sleep or waking him from nightmare, the one time I was gone just for hour I came back to find him almost chocked in blood”   
“But he was just okay now , how this ...” she gasped in fear  
“I don’t know I really don’t...but no sedative this time I swear enough of this torture” he said holding his hand like he was promising him   
Pepper sat down next to him sobbing quietly will she have to see him suffer again , can’t they just have some peace in their lives when she heard a whimper , she looked quickly finding that he was awake with pain crafted on his face  
“Loki” she cried sitting near to him “My sweet, everything will be okay” she said stroking his hair   
Loki felt her around he opened his eyes looking at her before he hugged her burying his face on her clothes crying “I’m tired, when would this end” he started to sob   
“Hush now, it will be over soon I promise” she said still stroking his hair singing him to sleep like she used to do before, Phil wrapped a blanket around both of them and sat on the chair in silent listening to her   
The moment he closed his eyes he found himself in the place where all this had started, the same dream every time since this night remembering what happened after he fought with Coulson, he went back to his room cursing his pathetic state when this damn headache controlled him again feeling himself slipping again to his dark world, but this time was different there was another one here , it was him.   
It continued every time with another copy of him, one with blue eyes smiling at him evilly another one with also blue eyes but looks lost and afraid, a young one too sitting away from them , and one looked exactly like him now no blue eyes and many others just wandering around but this one he didn’t see him before he was chained to the wall bleeding from everywhere screaming without a voice or he is the one who can’t hear? He walked towards him realising that the others did the same circling around the chained one but the one with the evil smile stood in front of him preventing the others from reaching him, Loki felt his pain he heard him in his mind calling for help to release him from this he started to   
hear him clearly now he was screaming in pain pegging them for help again when he tried to release him the blue eyed one stopped him touching his forehead then everything starting to fade away except from a whisper came from the chained one it was one word ..one name ....Thor   
He gasped opening his finding both of them staring at him in fear and pepper holding him again tightly   
“You woke up” she said crying happily   
“What?” he asked in a husky voice confused  
“It has been two days Loki” Phil said quietly   
“But it was just a moments ago how could this be possible” he muttered in shock   
“What matters is that you are awake now, god, I was so worried” she said hugging him again remembering how these two days passed on her, watching his soulless body listening to his heavy breathing and mutterings pleading him to open his eyes, Phil tried to make her have some sleep or rest but she always refused leaving him, she was afraid he would go forever slipping from her hands   
Phil on the other hand was feeling hopeless, he called Fury again who showed up quickly to be with them as the team will be late for more couple days, he called one of his truthful doctors who came with his full team starting to examine Loki , trying different medicine and watch how will his body react to it, for two days trying everything every medicine but no change till he woke up by himself , they wanted to examine him at once but Fury asked them to wait when he saw Pepper and Phil surrounding him talking with him , they left for now with Fury giving them time to prepare him   
Loki looked at pepper whose eyes were red and her face was pale, he frowned   
“You look terrible didn’t you sleep at all?” and instead of her holding him, he moved holding her and she rested her head on his shoulder “You sleep now” he said firmly   
“Are we switching places now” she smiled tiredly   
“Your baby has grown up” Phil smirked happy that Loki is acting normal   
“I feel different...better” he said blushing a little   
“Good to know blushing is your normal thing” she giggled   
“Better? Are you sure this time cause believe me you will stay under my watch 24/7 mister” Phil yelled   
“So no personal space I suppose”   
“In your dreams kid” he smirked   
“Shush, she slept, can we go out?” Loki said putting her down covering with the blanket  
“You okay? Sure?”   
“Yeah, little dizzy but nothing more”   
“Then come” Phil said holding him “I’ll will help you” Loki didn’t object he Leaned on him walking slowly  
When they got to the sitting room fury was there, Loki jerked a little in Surprise.  
“Come, don’t worry this is director Fury, remember what I told you about our organisation he is the director” Phil said assuring him   
One look at him and Loki felt nervous something in him reminded him of another man not that they look alike not at all it’s just that you don’t meet one eyed man everyday yes he reminds him of his father...  
“After all you still call him father? Longing to the day you go home “ a voice echoed inside his head but this time it was familiar it was his voice not someone else’s   
“Loki, are you okay?” Phil asked worried of his silence   
“What...yes” Loki said sitting down   
“I’ll make us some coffee, you wanna some” Phil asked   
“No coffee for him” Fury said quietly   
“just...some water...please” he said taken by the surprise staring at fury   
“I’m their boss remember” Fury smirked “ Stop staring at me for god sake , your brother first and you now , is there something funny “ he said agitated   
Loki pointed at his eye patch then looked away covering his mouth to stop himself from laughing   
“What, you never see one before” he snarled   
“Father” Loki said out of breath from laughing   
“Oh, that’s why Thor always looked at you like this” Phil giggled giving fury coffee   
“If everyone I know roles have an eye patch remind me to tell Thor to have one” Loki smirked   
“Why, don’t you want to be king too?” Fury asked him   
“Me?” Loki shrugged “I never wanted to be one...” He said quietly   
“So he says he feels better this is good news” Phil said trying to change the subject   
“Sure, cause I’ve a full medical team ready to examine you to figure out what was that”   
“No need to, I think it’s just connected to these dreams not big deal”   
“Not big deal, you should have seen yourself” Phil yelled   
“It will end soon” he said quietly  
“How can you be so sure?” Fury asked   
“I just know” he said raising his shoulder  
“I must go now but we will stay in touch and yes about what you asked for Phil I agree but you will have the full responsibility if anything went wrong understood”   
“Yes sir” Phil said excited   
“What was that?” Loki asked   
“This was our permission to go outside, so where do wanna go?”   
“Really, I missed the fresh air and walking surrounding by green”   
“To the garden then...lets go see pepper if she wanna come with us”   
“Yes of course I made a full programme we will go to the park , buy new clothes , books and eat ice cream we will have so much fun” she said jumping happily   
“wasn’t she tired when this happened?” Loki whispered to Phil smirking   
“She is living with Tony what do you expect” he laughed   
“What are you too whispering about huh?”   
“Nothing, uh Loki you better go and change your clothes”   
“yes, good idea , you too” he said and both of them left quickly   
Few minutes later loki came out his room wearing his usual a green shirt and dark pants   
"Yep shopping is a good idea" Pepper smirked   
"But I like wearing them" Loki frowned  
"No, no, you're lucky that I'll let you choose the colors , now move it"  
“Poor guy” Phil smirked


	29. Some fun won't hurt

Loki was fond of everything around him, the people, the shops and gardens he loved everything like a little child, trying everything happily   
"What do you wanna do first?" Phil asked  
"Surprise me" loki grinned   
"You ask for it boy" Pepper said  
They standed in front of an old fancy building   
"You love books right, then come in" she smirked   
Loki smiled following her into the building, it was huge with dozens of shelves full of books, he gasped in amazement   
"You are welcome" Pepper said winking at him   
"This…no one did this to me before…thanks" Loki said quietly and looked away but she could saw it….she could see this brightness in his eyes, the brightness of tears , she can feel him trembling trying to stay steady and calm, she moved towards him hugging him   
Loki was about to say something when Phil messed with his hair saying   
"Shh don't spoil the moment, just enjoy it" taking his hand showing him the place and pepper on the other side   
They were amazed by his knowledge, it was almost impossible to find a book he didn't read   
"what about this one?"   
"Read it all" loki grinned   
"Sir, you read all of these?" a young man asked, he must be one of the booksellers here Pepper thought   
Loki nodded at him   
"Wow, this is unbelievable" he said astonished   
"I know, please can you help me find something he didn't read I gave up already" Pepper whined and loki laughed at her   
"Umm why we don't go to another section, Did you read anything from john green works, sir?"   
"In fact I didn't, what is it about?"   
"finally" Phil said excited   
"you will love it and I may know some other books you may be interested in"   
"We will see" loki said following him   
"Let it snow, paper towns, looking for Alaska" Pepper read the names of the books "Hey you forgot the most beautiful one, where is the fault in our stars?"   
"Oh yes, I'll get it right away" the young man said searching for it   
"you read this books?" loki asked her   
"just the last one after I watched the movie, oh I cried for two days"  
"Cried? Why?"  
"It is a sad story, you will know it by yourself when you read it , you know I think I'll read it with you again then we watch the movie, what do you think? Good idea right" Pepper said smiling   
"No…it is a great idea" loki said quietly smiling   
“Just don’t mind me standing here at all” Phil smirked and Pepper hit him in the head  
"I brought you this set of books, I hope you like it" the young man said handling them a huge set of books   
"Woow, all of these" Pepper gasped and started to read their titles " the hobbit, lord of the rings, to kill a mockingbird, The picture of Dorian Gray, the shining, these are really good books loki”   
“And look at this" Phil said giggling "Harry Potter you will love these sequel especially believe me"  
"Fine, I'll take them all" loki said with a big smile   
"No way we can carry all these, I'll give you the address and you send them to it ok" Pepper said to the bookseller   
"with pleasure miss"   
"with this set of books you won't be bored for a long time" Pepper said smiling 

They walk together into the park enjoying watching the green around them and sound of children playing and laughing , they sit under a big tree drinking some juice  
"You know loki, you might not remember this but you wake up from the coma once before this for almost a week and you spent all of it with me though you didn't recognize anything around you like you were in another world, but…but I felt it, you liked to stay with me, I used to read to you every day before you sleep it is silly I know but I loved doing this, sometimes I really thought you can understand what I'm saying and this was enough for me" Pepper said quietly leaning her head on the tree behind them  
"You can do this again if you love too, he won't mind at all believe me" Phil smirked   
“Hey” Loki said frowning blushing as well  
"Oh I'll” Pepper said teasing Phil “ now tell me aren't you hungry?"  
Loki laughed "What is your problem with feeding me?"  
"You didn't tell me if you was hungry or not back then, so I used to make a schedule for you" Pepper giggled  
"Now I'm embarrassed" Loki said blushing and they both burst laughing at him   
"Come, let's continue our journey on midgard" she said in a funny way made loki laugh   
"Our next mission buying midgardian clothes" Phil said imitating her   
when they heard someone crying it looked like a little child crying , Pepper started to look around till she found a little girl sitting on the ground next to a big tree , she sat next to her   
"Hey, why are you crying?" the girl didn't answer and cried more   
"Hush hush, don't worry I'll look for your parents ok" Pepper said turning to loki who stood there watching them   
"Loki, stay with her and I'll go with Phil searching for her parents will you "  
"what…no, I don't like children they are annoying" loki whined   
"Come on don't be mean, I won't be late"   
"But…"  
"No but, take care of her understand" she said leaving him alone with child , she started to cry more, loki didn't know what to do he sat next to her   
"Umm, are you thirsty? What about some juice…mango juice it is very tasty"  
She looked at him for a while then took it and started to drink   
"what is your name?" loki said softly   
"Daisy" she said quietly   
"this is a pretty name you have, what does it mean?"  
She raised her shoulders and said "Don't know"  
"well nice to meet you daisy , I'm loki "  
"Loki… your name is weird what does it mean ?"  
Loki laughed raising his shoulders "Don't know too"  
"I wanna mommy" she cried again   
"Don't worry just wait and see, she will come to take you any moment now"  
"really"  
"yes, really…now come let's go and buy you ice cream, what do think"  
She nodded holding his hand, loki felt strange he wasn't annoyed at all he felt great and safe, she trusted him feeling safe with him, a thing he never felt before   
"uhm, what flavor do you like?"  
"chocolate"  
"Really, me too" he smiled at her "now let's sit and wait for them enjoying this delicious ice cream "  
"You are so tall"  
Loki burst out laughing surprised "what…no you are so short" he said teasing her   
"No, I'm tall see" she said standing on tiptoes   
"Oh yes, you are very tall "loki said gently   
"mommy" she yelled running towards a young woman who looked exactly like her   
"Daisy oh my child I was so afraid to lose you" the woman said hugging her crying   
"me too"   
"Are you ok ?"  
"yes, loki played with me" she said pointing at him and he blushed   
"played…huh" Peppet said teasing him   
"Yes and bought me ice cream too " daisy said happily   
The woman thanked him and pepper a lot ,they were leaving when the little girl ran to loki hugging him   
"I love you loki you are so nice "  
"me too " loki said quietly   
"I wanna to see you again" she whined   
"well every time you want to see me come here and call my name and I'll show up to you deal" loki said winking at her   
"Deal" she yelled hugging him again   
"ooh so sweet " Pepper said teasing him laughing  
"Stop, and start walking you two" loki said sighing   
"what is wrong?" Pepper asked  
"Nothing…just this little girl…daisy she loved me and loved to stay with me , why?"   
"Why not?" Phil said stopping   
"what do you mean?"   
"I mean loki, you must have faith on yourself, trust yourself , you're a good person loki and a nice one , very nice one too so why wouldn't she loves you ?" Phil said  
"I…I felt safe with her can you imagine this? Safe with a little girl, how pathetic is this" loki smirked   
"this is not pathetic loki at all, you felt safe with her like she felt safe with you…like I feel safe with you always, it is normal feeling loki you just didn’t experienced it before" Pepper said  
"You feel safe with me ? "   
"of course I do you silly" …"stop talking now and let's go shopping" she yelled dragging him into a big store   
"Green, Black oh and gold …really loki everything you choose must be in this colors why?" Phil chuckled   
"Easy…I love these colors" loki grinned  
"fine it's my fault that is said you can choose the colors at least I can choose the style " Pepper whined  
"Hope you have a good taste" loki teased her   
"the best my dear" she said winking at him  
"will see"   
Try this" she said giving him a green hoodie with black patterns   
"you know I think you mistaken me with thor" loki said showing it to her, it was so big for him , he looked funny they couldn’t hold themselves from laughing   
"I think it's perfect" she smirked   
"Get me a smaller one now"   
'Fine , try these till I came" she said handling him some shirts and pants   
She came back after few minutes "here, try this" but no one answered her loki wasn't there, he was gone and so did Phil   
"loki, oh god where did he go ?" she started looking for him worried but in vain , she came back to the same place again hoping to find him there   
"where did you go?" loki asked her appearing from behind with Phil  
"me? Where did you go? I came back and you were gone" Pepper shouted at him she was worried   
"Uhm, we thought you would like this" he said giving her a beautiful white dress with green patterns   
“Don’t look at me it was his idea” Phil said   
"wow, this is for me …it is so beautiful loki" she said hugging him "but don't disappear like this again do you understand you make me worried" she frowned at him   
"sorry" he said blushing   
"Oh my shy boy" Pepper giggled   
"Stop it" loki whined   
"Umm you know we forgot to buy the most important thing " Phil said  
"What?" Pepper asked  
"Some fancy suites"   
"Black " Loki said quickly  
"Yah I know…with dark green scarf, what do you think?" She said  
"I think you have a wonderful taste"   
"I told you" she beamed   
"What next?" Phil asked   
"buy some food and DVDs"  
"fine, but don't forget the chocolate " Loki said   
"and ice cream too " Phil yelled  
"I'm so glad that thor and the others aren't here, we are acting like children seriously " loki giggled  
"But I'm glad they are not here cause this gave me the chance to have time with you in peace” Pepper said holding his hand   
“I’m glad to know you Loki” Phil said messing with his hair again   
"why I can't say a word after every time you talk ?" loki whined   
"Yep you just turn to red " she giggled   
"Not again, this becomes annoying" loki frowned   
"I think it is adorable" she said   
"Stop it, let's go home now"  
"Fine"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one i know I'm sorry it's just this was a long week next chap will he long and soon i promise :D


	30. Let it go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back :D just endure me one more week and this hell called finals will be over , so enjoy this load of cuteness ❤

The rest of the day things were quite calm as Coulson and Pepper spend the time watching the news waiting for anything new about the team while loki read for a while before he fall asleep on the couch, Pepper put a blanket on him wishing him sweet dreams then she went to her room, she has a lot of work and papers needs to be done by morning, Phil went to sleep a while ago it has been mid night and she is still awake when she heard knocks on the door  
“Come in” She said loud  
"you still awake?" loki said in a sleepy voice  
" Yes I've some work needed to be done "  
"Oh…then I'll leave you finishing it"  
"No, no I finished most of it the rest can wait" she said leaving the room "since you are awake let's make some snacks and watch a movie"  
Loki nodded smiling at her but his smile was different it was broken like it was forced by him to hide something else, something sad.  
He sat on the couch waiting for her looking distracting lost in his thoughts, his most darkest nightmares, he couldn't help it, stop thinking of it, it controlled his life for so long, it is not easy to get rid of it or even forget about it,he waited for her listening to some songs on his iPod when she sat next to him realising what he is thinking of  
"Don't think of anything just enjoy the moment, pretend that you forget it , fool yourself if you have to" pepper said quietly looking at him in the eyes  
"Fool myself?"  
"Yes, everyone has to fool themselves in some point of their life"  
"But why? … why I have to?...I'm sick and tired of pretending that everything is ok…that I'm safe now and this nightmare is over…but this is another lie" Loki cried  
"This lie has another name, do you know what is it? … Hope, the hope that everything will be fine one day, the hope that keep us alive day by day, this hope is our biggest lie, the only lie that is more true than anything else"  
"But I don't want to do this anymore…living in a lie all my life, lying about everything, me saying that I'm ok that is a lie, saying that it is over that is a lie, thor saying…that I'm not a monster that is a lie …mother, Odin, you all saying you love me this a lie "  
"why? Why it is a lie? Why can't it be the truth? You only have to believe it, no one of us is ok everyone suffers but we fight it today to have a good day tomorrow, no one is born a monster loki you choose to be one or not it is your own decision …and about love, you can never know if it is a lie or the truth you just know, love is something you can never deny you just feel it and then you just know" she said pleading him to believe taking the iPod from him as she realised he is ignoring her but instead of turning it off she played another song by accident  
"You know nothing about me or what I've done So do not tell me I am no monster, cause I am one. First by blood, then by choice" loki shouted eyes widening from the song listening to its lyrics looking at his hands he can feel …this thing…this monster, trying to come out  
(monster)  
The secret side of me I never let you see I keep it caged But I can't control it So stay away from me The beast is ugly I feel the rage And I just can't hold it ¶ Pepper could feel the cold around her, it controls him, and this stupid song too why he had to grow fond of songs, it only make it worse .. It's just beneath the skin I must confess that I feel like a monster I hate what I've become The nightmare's just begun this is his real problem …the conflict between his both sides everyone of them try to dominate, but the dark side is stronger it has more reasons to show up and take control  
"show me your hands" she said quietly  
"No, you must leave " loki parked  
"You have to make me, because I'm not going anywhere, I must see it to prove to you one thing "  
"what?"  
"When someone loves you and cares about you they don't care how you look like or what you are outside , the only thing matters is what inside, what lives in here" she said pointing at his heart "Your heart, your soul it what really matters do you understand"  
"you won't understand it, no one will, I…I can't even look in the mirror afraid of what I'll see, this monster…this freak is what I am and nothing will change it" loki said and gasped in horror he couldn't control it, the cold is invading him, he can feel it …his eyes burns so much he closed it jerking back away from her  
"Please leave me alone, I don't want you to see me like this" loki sobbed  
"No loki, I'm not going anywhere, I wanna to see it" she said approaching him  
"Why?" loki cried  
"So I can prove to you that nothing of this matters at all" she shouted at him  
She could feel the cold increasing around her , the blue started to spread on Loki’s body then forming these patterns it looked like symbols or ancient writing  
"Now you see me" loki hissed looking at her with bloody red eyes , she gasped jerking back  
"See…that what I was talking about…this look in your eyes…this look means that I'm a monster" loki hissed  
"The…the look in my eyes doesn't mean this I looked to thor, Bruce, tony, everyone of them the same look” she said firmly, he just shook his head not believing her  
“ it is not fear it is just surprised, and uhm I'm not a big fan of red eyes honestly" she giggled a little  
"You aren't afraid?" loki said in shock  
"Afraid of you?, give me a break you still the same for me" Phil said rubbing his eyes showing up behind them  
"Phil” he yelped surprised  
“The one who frightens the so called monster” he smirked  
“See, it’s just in your head” Pepper said smiling and his body started to return to normal colour again  
“You are not lying to me are you?” Loki said crushing on the sofa  
“why would we?...Listen kid the last time I’ll say this monsters aren’t born they are made so it’s your choice to be one or not understood”  
Loki nodded hugging him and Phil patted his shoulder  
“I know which one should we watch, you will love it ,it's called frozen"  
"Frozen ,yeah good choice" Phil smirked and laughed 

Elsa was like him loki noticed this, she had this big powers and been forced to hide it and pretend to be normal like anyone else despite what this cost her, to live a lonely life because she was different and afraid to lose control on her powers and hurt someone, he was the same he always felt different , he knew that from day one, could his power led him to hurt thor , he also can't control it like her and this song it really sais what inside him towards Pepper, Phil and everyone ... and his powers too 

for the first time in forever  
I won't be alone  
For the first time in forever  
There'll be magic, there'll be fun  
For the first time in forever  
I could be noticed by someone  
But for the first time in forever  
At least I've got a chance

These words touched him deeply, cause finally he wasn't alone…he was noticed by someone for what he really is not for what he has or what he pretended to be…for the first in forever he has someone who he can called a friend  
"Hey Elsa, don't try to do like her please I don't wanna it ending with snow covering everything" she scoffed  
"Don't worry I'm not skilled like her " loki smirked  
"You need to practice then"  
"Yeah, maybe"  
Things became messy and Elsa screwed everything and loki was feeling down  
"Great she is the bad one here too" loki frowned  
"Are you sure?" Phil said  
"obviously she screwed everything leaving her kingdom in a lasting winter"  
"Never judge anything from what it appears remember"  
"Fine, I'll wait and see"  
He can't deny that he loved it when she rebelled leaving them, she felt her real powers for the first time and he could feel it too, it is a good feeling like no one can stop you from doing what you want at all  
It's funny how some distance,  
makes everything seem small.  
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all  
It's time to see what I can do,  
to test the limits and break through.  
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.  
I'm free!  
No one here to tell him what to do and not to do, no one here to tell him to shut up or disrespect him making him feel worthless, no more lies, no more jokes, no more worries or sorrows he was safe here  
“Pepper”  
"yes"  
"thank you to be my Anna" he said gently  
"Me Anna really …wow thanks loki but you know something I'm more like Kristoff cause I'll be here for you even if you don't wanna me to stay, I'll never leave you alone"  
"And I'll be Your Olaf who will always be ready to help you” Phil smirked

Days passed quickly full of love and enjoying every moment of it, they have the chance to understand each other even more, have some fights and disagreement sometimes but things still calm and peaceful, they used to go to the park everyday enjoying the weather and have some time with daisy who became their best friend, she used to spend all the time playing with loki who was more childish than her meanwhile Pepper and Phil became friend with Kate daisy's mother  
When they stay at home they spend their time reading , watching movies or even learning new cooking recipes ,  
Loki also helped pepper with her work, he was good at it too so she can finish it faster and they have more free time  
“You have been quiet today” Phil said gazing at Loki  
“Shush, go away” Loki said without looking at him  
“Huh!! Pepper he is acting weird again” he yelled  
“Oh don’t worry he is just reading harry potter” Pepper said giggling “He is sitting like this for more than five hours now”  
“whoa, I said you will like it”  
“I wonder where would the hat sort you” pepper said  
“you really don’t know?” Phil laughed  
“Slytherin” Loki finally said something  
“Aren’t they evil?” Pepper asked frowning  
“What? Evil!!.. Just because some of them are loyal to voldemort doesn’t mean they all evil”  
“Okay my Slytherin boy” Pepper said messing his hair  
“You know who else? Tasha” Phil smirked  
“I’m ravenclow for sure, so would be Tony”  
“And Bruce”  
“yeah, Clint Hufflepuff , and your brother?”  
“Really need to ask? Gryffindor of course” Loki smirked  
“Cap also Gryffindor” Phil said quickly  
“she punched him, they will love each other won’t they” Loki whined  
“Who punched who” Phil said perplexed  
“You don’t mean malfoy and hermione do you” pepper asked  
“Yes, you don’t act like this all the time unless you love them”  
“Oh, believe me we know that very well” Phil smirked  
“We have a darmione fan but she will still end up with ron” Pepper giggled  
“Unbelievable, think you should be gryffindor if you want to end up with the one you love” Loki said pouting  
“Oh, poor Slytherin”  
“Shut up, let me finish it” he frowned  
“Wanna some cocoa “ Pepper said  
“Oh yes please”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too many fandoms i know ;) just can't pretend that Loki is not like elsa :D  
> And yes some Slytherin pride here please ;)  
> and uhm darmione shipper too omg ;)


	31. Songs Without A Voice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back :D no more exams wohooo :D this chapter is the last one of what i love to call the trilogy of cuteness ;)  
> Hope you will like it ❤

Today was a little different Pepper was invited to a gala and she has to go  
"I just called them to confirm that we are going , they told me it's more like a prom and everyone must wear a mask it'll be wonderful night loki" she said excitedly  
"Are you sure you wanna me to go with you, there will be a lot of people there , if someone asks you who I am , I know my presence here is secret so what would you say then ”Loki frowned  
“Don’t worry everyone will be wearing masks and will be just two agents working with Pepper” Phil said assuring him  
“I don’t know what to wear” he said frowning  
“Come I’ll help you” Phil said laughing at his childish way  
"I know exactly what I'm going to wear" she said heading to her room  
And came back holding a white dress with green patterns  
"Are you sure?...you've a lot of things better than this" Loki said surprised looking to Phil who nodded  
"But you brought this for me and I think it's the best one…it's our party so we will wear what we brought to each other"  
“I didn’t get anything” Phil whined  
“We bought you a suit too we were going to make it a surprise present” Pepper giggled  
Pepper came out wearing the dress she looked beautiful Phil said to her smiling  
“You look the same Phil I never saw you wearing anything else but suits but you know it was made for you that’s sure”  
They waited for Loki who like always takes a long time dressing, when he came out they both stared at him with amazement  
he was wearing this amazing black suit and put on the mask a silver one which covered half of his face make you only focus on his gorgeous green eyes and his neat long dark hair  
"Wow" she gasped "you look like a real prince”  
“I’m a prince” Loki muttered blushing 

When they arrived to the party, people looked at them in curiosity, Pepper was holding her mask in her hand so everyone know who she was but they didn't know the other two, Phil was holding his mask too, but loki kept it on his face, loki could hear them whispering trying to find out who this masked man is, he grinned at them  
"Miss Potts, welcome it's very nice of you to come to our little party " an old man said approaching them  
"Mr. Mark lovely to see you again, wonderful party by the way"  
"Mr. stark is busy like always but I think you got yourself a good company here " the man said looking at them  
"Oh…this is agent Phil Coulson and this is Mr. Odinson ..loki Odinson " Pepper said  
"pleased to meet you" the man said stretching out his hand to shake Loki’s then Phil  
"Pleased to meet you too" loki said quietly shaking his hand  
"Well, I hope you enjoy the party, have fun"  
"thank you" Pepper said smiling at him  
“This won’t end good” Loki muttered  
“Just keep calm and enjoy your time” Phil said smiling nervously  
When the music started again Phil asked Pepper to dance with him and Loki stood watching them, when a young lady asked him to dance with her, he tried to refuse but she insisted taking his hand and they danced together  
“You’re a very good dancer” she said to him after the song ended kissing his cheek and left him blushing  
“Did she just..” Phil said to him laughing  
“You let her kiss you” Pepper yelled at him  
“Someone is jealous” Phil teased her  
“Hey no one touches my baby” she whined  
“After all this time you keep calling me this” Loki whined frowning  
“Let me, you will always be my baby right” Phil imitating her laughing  
“Yes, Do you have any objections?” She asked  
“No , of course no right Loki” Phil said  
“Yeah sure” then he leaned on Phil whispering “ She will kill us if we say anything right?” and Phil nodded holding his laugh  
“It’s late we should go home” 

the team came back at last after two exhausting weeks, the place was dark and quiet  
“Where us everyone? “Steve asked surprised  
“They went to the gala sir” Jarvis said

“A what?...is it safe to take him out?” Tony yelled  
“Loki” Thor muttered worried when they heard noise and footsteps approaching, they are back, they listened to their laughs and their conversation  
“No galas for you anymore and if we go you will stay with me” Pepper said agitated  
“Not again Pepper it was just a kiss , what will you do if she invited him to dinner or something” Phil smirked  
“What” she parked at him  
“Both of you give me headache won’t you stop, why I danced with her” Loki whined entering the room finding eyes staring at him shocked  
Loki jerked back surprised and step on Phil foot  
“Watch out” he said holding him when he realised them he yelped too  
“Jesus, don’t you knock or cough or anything” he said taking his breath  
“who are you talking to?” Pepper asked following them  
“You came home, finally” she said happily hugging Tony  
“Where is Loki?” Clint asked  
“You kidding right” she frowned at him and Loki started to giggle he was still wearing his mask maybe they were so tired that they didn’t recognise him  
“You still own me this game” he said taking off his mask standing in front of them  
“Oh my god, you look different” he gasped and Loki frowned “No, still you” Clint said messing with his hair  
“You look very good Loki” Thor said to him smiling and Loki hugged him tightly  
“Two weeks, how could you?” He said almost crying  
“I’m sorry, won’t leave you again but hey you look better and your talking become normal” he said happily  
“It was rough and terrible days” Loki said looking away  
“Just be thankful it didn’t happen again” Phil sighed patting him  
“What happened?” Thor asked worried  
“Come Loki, you take your medicine and sleep” Pepper said taking his hand  
“Start talking Coulson” Clint yelled at him worried  
“Just after you left he started to have this strange seizures, I found him unconscious blood coming out of his mouth then his body always paler and cold” Phil said trying not to remember this again  
“And you didn’t think to call us at all” Thor cried  
“What would you do huh ? Nothing, I did everything , best doctors examined him and they all come to the same result he is fine in fact he was getting better, but it didn’t stop, and the nightmares became more vicious sometimes he woke up feeling good and we think it ended to find him on the floor blood surrounding him, the last he was in coma for two days and when he woke up it was over no more seizures nothing he was just fine”  
“So he is getting better” Bruce said relieved  
“Yes, but this only means another problem” Phil said  
“What now?” Clint snarled  
“Nightmares didn’t end I know that but he started to more secretive about it he doesn’t share his fears with us like before, heck if he had a nightmare you wouldn’t even know that”  
“Old Loki is back then” Thor said quietly when Pepper enter the room  
“Won’t let you stay with him huh” Phil asked her  
“You remember his only rule never make him angry” she said sighing  
“And of course he will come to you first thing in the morning to say that he is sorry” Phil smirked  
“It’s like there is two of him the one we know most of the dime except from the moment he goes to sleep till after he wakes up” she said frowning  
“What were you talking about when you arrived about the gala?” Tony asked  
“Pepper here was jealous because someone danced with Loki and kissed him” Phil giggled  
“What” Thor shrugged  
“What did you do Pepper?” Clint smirked  
“Nothing, she just shouted at us” Phil scoffed  
“Yes no one”  
“Touches your baby” He interrupted imitating her “Thank god we left before someone heard here” he laughed  
“No more galas” she muttered frowning  
“You saw how he looked like, of course this was gonna happen, taking prince charming with you” Tony smirked  
“Don’t remind me, he was almost hiding behind us from their looks , I told you this mask was too much” Phil giggled  
“Wonder how would you look in a suit Thor” Pepper said  
“Can we talk about something else, please” Thor said and his face turned red  
“Not only Loki huh” she said giggling  
“Where is this music coming from?” Natasha asked joining them  
“Yeah about that, Anthony Stark I’ll kill you”  
“What did I do” he whined  
“You left your iPod here, and guess who found it again” Phil said  
“How bored were you exactly when you chose this songs” she yelled at him  
“Good thing is we use it know how he feels since he stopped talking about it at all” Phil smirked  
“And what’s he listening to now?” Thor asked  
“You really don’t wanna know” Natasha said  
“What?” Clint asked her  
“Down”  
“Is it that bad?” Thor asked worried  
“Like it was written for him “ Tony said playing it


	32. Blue is the new black

The next day loki was gone so was Pepper thor freaked out till Phil assured them that was their normal routine to go jogging every morning and that they will be home soon  
"Pepper is spending time doing something that obviously not working wow that is new" Tony smirked   
"And why shouldn't I"  
"Jesus, Pepper where did you come from" tony said yelping   
"Hey what happened to you?" Steve said concerned she was leaning on Loki’s shoulder trying to stood still   
"she twisted her ankle" loki said quietly   
"You should be more careful pepper "Banner said joining them with the others   
"You mean be more like Pepper" Tony scoffed   
"Hey it wasn't my fault" she whined looking at loki   
"What? Now it's my fault no one told you to follow me there" loki frowned at her   
"and no one told you to run away either" she yelled at him   
"I didn't run…I just didn't want to be there" loki said he looked nervous  
“Fine...won’t you go to see daisy again, she has been asking for you” she asked him annoyed by his way   
“No, I’m not feeling well today”   
“What happened between you two? you left quickly and daisy only cried all the way home” she said grabbing his arm to make him stop   
“Why you don’t ask her so you can find another lie to hide it again” he yelled leaving them   
“That’s it I’m calling Clair to know what the hell happened” Pepper said leaving enraged   
“Who are they exactly?” Tony asked perplexed  
“Some friends we met in the park” Phil said sighing 

All this time he has been fighting the darkness inside him, struggling to stay alive knowing that he deserve to live to feel wanted , he thought he succeeded in this, nightmares fading away like an old memory, he thought he found the happiness he spent all his life searching for, he loved the way he felt when he was with daisy she makes him feel alive so this day when he found her sad crying he couldn’t see her like that he took her buying her ice cream and sat with her under the shades of the tree asking for the reason of her sadness   
“I miss daddy” she said crying   
“Isn’t he around?” he asked her   
“Mama said he is there” she said pointing to the sky   
“Oh sweetie, every time you miss him you just look at the sky and speak with him he can see and hear you” he said hugging her   
“Really” she said happily   
“Yeah, really” he said laughing   
“Mama said this too, but I don’t like this sky”   
“Why is that?” He asked her curious  
“The day he left us, some bad people came from up there, they destroyed everything they were scary but you know the avengers fought them and they beat them up” she said childishly excited  
“When was that?” he asked quietly   
“Few months ago” she said and he froze shocked he doesn’t know why he remembered this nightmare again, the one with the chained loki and the blue eyed one but now he can explain why the blue eyed one looked so familiar to him like he is not a stranger anymore, like they were one , he felt him leaving the chained one focusing on him approaching him touching his forehead causing him terrible headache, when all of it hit him since the moment he fall till they found him torturing him ending by him here with this army ordering them and taking orders , killing people dozens of them....people he never met before and he won’t ever dare to hurt them but he did killing them....killing daisy’s father   
He ran away from her from himself from the world not caring for her cries or Pepper calling him trying to follow him but he didn’t care for all of this, just wanted all this noise in his head to stop, he heard his voice again filling his head with lies again....he was back again stronger than every time, this means that he failed again...why he had to keep falling to the same darkness over and over , he looked on the mirror feeling him there hiding behind his eyes laughing at him...was his eyes blue too or he was imagining   
Anger controlling him blinding him he punched the mirror with his fest shattering it, hitting everything on the table to the wall screaming in anger   
Pepper was the nearest one to his room , she ran to him shocked by how the room looked like she walked careful not to step on the broken glass she called him worried “Loki, are you okay?”   
“just leave me” his voice was cold she never heard him talking like this before   
“No, till you answer me I won’t go anywhere neither will them “ she said seeing them rushing to the room   
"Just leave me alone…all of you" loki parked but in a shaky voice   
"leave you?...to lock up yourself again whining about how miserable is your life " Pepper said in a cold voice   
"Pepper…what the hell" Tony shouted at her she shouldn't such words   
"I'm not weak…I'm not pathetic…I'm not anyone toy…so stop treating me like one and leave me alone" Loki parked trembling from anger   
"You saw him again, didn't you?" banner said   
Loki leaned to the wall sitting on the floor "it won't happen again, it was a fault" he said quietly   
"It is nothing to be shamed with you know" Tony said "I used to have it too and it doesn't mean that you are weak"   
"used to have what exactly? Being controlled by someone else playing with your mind as you are his toy seeing yourself killing people and can't stop yourself cause your body, your mind both were taken from you and you were left an empty shell" loki parked trembling   
“You remembered?” Thor gasped   
“Yes I remember everything , no more lies anymore and no one dare to say they know how I feel” he cried   
"Actually I did and it was you who controlled me" Clint said   
"Did you refuse? Or said no?" He yelled  
"As I had a chance you used your spear on me and everything went dark" clint shouted  
"I did… I said no" loki cried in anger   
"What do you mean?" thor asked   
"when they found me they knew everything about me already, he thought me a coward that will obey them at once , only one thing you need to know about me that if any one even dare to think they can rule me making me follow their orders then mercy be with him" Loki hissed   
"But they did at the end didn't they?" Clint scoffed   
"They thought if they hurt me I'll do what they want apparently It took them a year I think to know that they were wrong" Loki smirked bitterly   
"They tortured you for a whole year" Steve said shocked   
"Healing fast played a good role but in both sides, I heal fast that is good but it only gave them another try" loki scoffed   
"Another try?" Natasha asked   
"Oh yes they used to wait till whatever they had done to me is healed and start over again I spent the time shouting at them cursing then screaming crying but then I realized why to curse if they won't stop and why to scream if no one will hear me so I stopped they thought they got me but I think I disappointed them so they gave up on me or that I thought before he finally made his move" loki grinned   
"Who?" thor asked   
Loki raised his shoulders "I don't know the other used to call him master no one seemed have the gut to say his name, they used to lock me up in a dark room so I didn't see him at all he said some words I couldn't hear good though I think I wouldn't know even if he said it out loud then he put his hand on my head then blank like I went unconscious sometimes I could hear someone scream or thor shouting at me the like this time I was on the top of a tall building with thor fighting me shouting to make this stop I didn't know where I was or why he was shouting I couldn't control myself like someone else was controlling me making me stab thor then blank out again" Loki said quietly   
“This won’t happen again I promise you...I won’t let this ever happen again” Thor said   
“For how long exactly? He won’t give up” how cried   
“neither will I you hear me” Thor yelled at him   
Loki felt the headache again feeling everything going black in front of him and he heard him again   
“But how will you fight what is already lives inside you” The voice hissed to him making him shivering leaning t the chair   
"Are you ok?...you look ill" Banner asked him   
"Loki talk to me please " Pepper cried   
"Will you shut up" Loki shouted at her   
"Loki" Thor said shocked  
"I'm not loki" Loki parked and his eyes turned blue again " I thought it'll be fun to fool all of you pretending to be this runt but gosh you're all like a living hell" He hissed   
"what…what do you mean?" Pepper gasped in horror   
"I mean loki is dead…no more of this whining baby anymore" He laughed   
"You are lying" Thor cried   
"Why to lie? I really enjoyed watching him die"  
"You such a coward …do you really think this game will go on us loki?" Clint snarled   
"Loki stop this illusion now" thor said enraged   
"See this is the trick…. there is no illusion here" he grinned   
Clint sneaked behind loki and no one noticed him , he was holding something behind his back …a gun and he hit loki in the head by it, loki turned to him shocked then fell to the ground unconscious   
"Did you lost your fucken mind Clint" Tony shouted while Steve and banner ran to him , the rest tried to stop thor from hurting Clint   
"This worked on me so I thought it'll work on him too" Clint explained immediately   
"yeah I remember that" Natasha said   
"So, what to do now?" Banner asked  
"We put him in a place where he can't hurt himself or anyone " Clint said   
"I have the right place for this" Tony yelled   
"You mean the glass room in Dr. Banner's lab ?" Pepper asked him   
"Yes, it was built for the other guy in first place but it can hold loki too we used it before"  
"Don't think this the end" thor hissed to Clint carrying loki   
"I'm dead" Clint whined doesn't have the gut to follow them   
"You did the right think , he talked a lot " Natasha said   
"Thanks Nat, tell this to the big guy" he replied   
"Don't worry I'll protect you" she chuckled   
"I think I'll hide safer" he smirked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well let the darkness begin then :D


	33. Losing hope

Another cold day , Loki didn't wake up or maybe just refusing to, thor sitting next to him all the daylong except for this everything was normal Pepper left for a work trip like always but this time with broken heart, Avengers were busy like usual but without thor this time even fury can't make him join them again   
Things changed thor can feel it , empty…shattered…angry…hate everything and everyone even loki   
Is that what loki felt? When he was left alone…when he begged them to die, yes he knew, loki didn't tell them all the truth but he knew it from this dream once he had, loki died? Yes he did but not by body …by soul, loki he once knew … loki his mother raised was gone forever , what is left is just an empty one pretending to be strong trying to hide his broken pieces … even when loki wake the last time he wasn't by his side he left him to defend a world he knew it'll never be his home …defending for people may call him a monster the moment he moves away, leaving his home, his brother that he once fought him for them   
"Hey big guy, how are you?"   
"Oh hey cap, when you returned?"  
"An hour ago, we thought you were asleep"  
"But Jarvis informed us that you didn't leave this room for three days now" Tony said   
"Look man I know you are worry about him but three days without sleep or eat this is suicide" Banner said quietly   
"I've stayed longer than this" Thor said with boredom   
"Are you still mad with me?" Clint said sadly  
"It doesn't matter anymore"  
"Is there something wrong?" Natasha asked wondering about his strange attitude   
"Everything is wrong can't you see" Thor said coldly   
"Hey what is wrong with you? Why are you angry with us?" tony snarled  
"I shouldn't have joined you from the beginning many things would have been different if I didn't" thor shouted   
"Don't let him play with your mind" Loki said quietly   
"Great another copy , what are you going to whine about this time" Thor grinned   
"Who is that guy again?" Tony said he can't believe that this man is thor no way   
"I don't think I'm the one who is going to whine this time" Loki smirked   
"Really? This is odd because the only person I know who is a big whiny baby is you"   
"Oh for the first time your friends see the other thor, the one who didn't deserve to be a king , the one who wasn't worthy of his powers , the golden son right?"  
"Man, you are the most weird brothers I've ever seen" Clint said   
"a question please, who the fuck are you? Loki, a copy, a memory or this freaky guy? " Tony shouted he don't understand anything   
"Fighting with thor , he is loki that is for sure" Natasha smirked   
"We didn't fight yet we are just talking" Loki grinned   
"You? Fight me? You really think you have a chance against me you runt" thor parked   
"Jesus, thor…what the hell are you saying?!" Steve shouted at him   
"Well I know it's him controlling you so I won't get mad" Loki said quietly his voice was shaking from sad and anger no one control thor and make him say this ever   
Thor attacked him grunting but he passed through loki   
"You always fell for this" loki grinned casting a green gaze on Thor’s face   
"This is no time for your silly games loki" thor parked jerking back , he felt dizzy for a while then everything was clear again, he was back , the copy disappeared but then a young voice said childishly   
"But you used to love our games…big brother"   
"Hey what are you doing here?" the real loki asked sitting on the bed   
"You awake" young loki said in joy   
"and you aren't suppose to be here" loki said coldly  
"Who is he?" tony yelled   
"Loki" Banner called  
"Yes" both of them answered looking at him   
"Two of him, this is torture" Tony whined and both of them grinned   
"Brother" Thor yelled in happiness  
"Leave me alone" big loki said   
"yes, brother" young loki said gently   
"I missed this loki so much" thor said hugging him tightly   
"I missed him too" young loki said  
"What do you want?" loki asked coldly  
"I want you to remember me, don't let me go" he said sadly   
"Oh, poor baby" Natasha said holding his shoulder   
"I'm sorry for what he called you that day it was so mean" young loki said looking ashamed   
"What did I say?" loki whined   
"very bad thing be glad that mother didn't find this out" young loki said agitated   
"Thanks to Thor’s friends of course I bet you I learned it from Thor’s silly friends" Loki smirked   
"Don't worry I understand it wasn't you or you " she said chuckling a little it was confusing having two of him   
"Hey how old are you" Steve asked him smiling   
"twelve" loki said blushing   
"Loki you are blushing again" Thor laughed   
"both of them are turning red" tony smirked   
"Tell me, you know everything, right? I don't want to see this again" loki said firmly looking worried   
"Yes, don't want to remember it either" he said quietly   
"Good , now leave or stay I don't care" Loki said leaving the room   
"But I wanna stay with you" young loki said sadly and sat down   
Thor sighed holding Loki’s shoulder "I'm here"  
"I know … I just miss him …I don't wanna end like that" Loki cried hugging thor   
"You stop crying right now" Loki barked grabbing his arm   
"Hey what is wrong with you" Thor shouted at him   
"Mind your own business" Loki hissed at him then turned to young loki "come with me" he said grabbing him   
"No, I hate you" he cried   
"Leave the kid alone Loki" Clint shouted at him   
"You know what I hate you too, hate your weakness, little pathetic" Loki shouted   
"I'm the pathetic one ? so what are you ? You can't even understand yourself you are insane with twisted mind and sick thoughts not me" he parked at him   
"all you do is whining like little girl complaining all the time, refusing to see people who care about him, you are the pathetic not him" Thor said   
"of course you love this loki, the weak one, following you to everywhere like your shadow, never said a word against you or Odin , so why not loving him?... but me I will not be silent , all this time spent in vain , wasted pathetic years" Loki cried   
"He is playing with your head again" banner said   
"Maybe, who didn't…everyone wanted to make me someone else till I lost who I really was , is this even real? Or just another illusion …" loki said bitterly  
"This is real" Thor cried at him   
"How I know? Since I fall everything is a mess…how long was it days, years? I don't know …when I was kept in that dark cold room for years forced to listen to your insults all the day was this real? When mother was killed in front of me and you blamed me for it was this real? When they captured me torturing me was this real? When I was taken chained back to asgard and Odin telling me I was the biggest mistake he had made and should have left me to die was this real? When the only thing I asked for , no not asked …the only thing I begged for is to let me die was this real? Were all these real or just illusions?" Loki parked clattering "I won't be silent anymore"  
"Then don't be , shout…cry…do anything for god sake , anything but this silence, it is killing me" Thor said shaking him   
"Have some faith on us , on yourself …you are not alone" Steve said   
Loki laughed bitterly "Faith…irony is that all what I once had was faith, that everything will be fine one day , but this day never came ,this day ending is the prove that time killing all the faith I know…knowing that this faith is all I have, but I know… all I know that is the end's beginning"  
"Why to lose it? Everyone here had their worst days once too, but never gave up or lost their faith…faith that after this dark night there will be light …life is just a dark tunnel one day you will reach its end and see the light .... we see dawn everyday some of us only see it as the end of a day ,dark and cold …other see it as a beginning of a new day waiting for the light for the sun for a new hope" Banner said sitting next to loki   
"Sometimes hope just dies , somehow…sun down , clouds hiding the sun keeps me waiting…"  
"Make your own sun, your own light…don't wait for anything , you wanna something fight for it "Steve said   
"You called me weak cause I cried but if you give up now after all of this then you are the weak one" Young loki said   
"Give up?!" Loki shouted "after all what he made me suffer you think I'll just give up , I'll make him beg to die but to revenge that means to cut all the threads attached to you'" loki said looking at thor   
"So leaving me again right?" Thor shouted "No, don't even dare to think this will happen , you think your fight with him is your right only, you are wrong he made you suffer…Or you forgot what this means? Someone dares to hurt you…my little brother …to hell with everything , I'll slaughter this bastard , for me home is not asgard neither midgard , my home is where you are , you are the only home I've ever thought of doesn't matter if this ends with both of us dead at least I'll be with you in your side" thor said holding him tightly   
"Did you ever know that you are my hero?" young loki said " Or that you are everything I'd like to be? Have I ever told you that? I think not" he said looking at loki   
"all of them always said that I'm jealous of you…sometimes I am but never doubt the I love you more than anyone else … I might have never make you see this or notice it but I've got it all here…in my heart, I just want you to know the truth, without you…without you I'll be nothing" Loki said hugging thor hiding his face on his broad shoulder   
"God I mess this hug so much brother" thor said sobbing   
"Me too" loki said quietly hugging him more tightly   
"Oh little hero" Natasha said playing in young Loki’s hair   
"Me? Hero?" he asked blushing   
"Of course , who can help loki except loki himself " Nat said winking  
"Did I really think of you as my hero" Loki smirked   
"shut up, don't ruin the moment" thor said putting his hand on Loki’s mouth   
Loki frowned and try to speak in a muffled way   
"What?" thor grinned   
Loki looked away sobbing quietly , he was hurt …scared too , what he had been through, but after all he is with his brother now, right?...So why he feels like there is a thousand miles between them, why he feels so lonely? What is left of him is just a broken mess   
"Hey what is wrong?" thor said holding him   
"I am what is wrong " Loki cried "can't you see? I've tried so hard I … no matter what I did, no matter what I'll do, it will always ends the same fucken way "   
"After all what I've said , what we all said you still think the same way …why? You enjoy torturing yourself …drowning yourself in your miserable pity" Thor shouted at him, he started to lose hope, he lost his brother now he can see it   
"You have lost him , that loki you are talking about died a long time ago why don't you admit that? " Young loki shouted " I understand him , this one is not me any more we are two different persons, this one was left alone ,suffered alone, faced his fate alone … died alone , and now you come and say to him that you are all by his side and wants him to take this for sure that easily , maybe I'm not that loki but I still can know what he feels right now…so empty, shattered, weak, scared, just scattered pieces" he said agitated then moved towards holding his hand   
"I thought I might help you, but you were right , I'm sorry, I failed " he cried and disappeared  
"Not everyone can be saved , some people's fate is to be left behind" Loki said quietly leaving the room   
"Thor you must admit that, loki you once knew is gone forever" Banner said   
"he still can be saved, he deserves a second chance" Thor yelled   
"Till when you will deny this, rejecting the truth?" Tony shouted at him "You only make him feels worse , you are being selfish can't you see?"  
"Selfish? wanting him to come back, to be himself once again is selfish?" Thor parked   
"Don't you think he tried this before? Do you even listen to what he says? You accept him like this or leave him for good" Steve said firmly   
"I'll find loki, the one I know…with your help or without it I don't care" Thor said enraged   
"And I once doubted that you are brothers, man you are much stubborn as him, may even worse than him" Tony whined   
"Good" thor said leaving the room   
"this won't end soon , yes?" Clint whined sighing   
"They are worse than each other I swear of god" Tony scoffed   
"Thor doesn't wanna believe that loki changed" Banner said   
"Loki is the one who doesn't wanna see how much thor cares for him" Natasha said   
"you know what is missing? Frigga" tony grinned   
"and why is that?" Steve asked him   
"Cause they are just two bloody kids who need their mummy to teach them how to treat each other" Tony smirked   
"Yeah tell me about it, I'm feeling like we are babysitting them here" Clint said laughing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting harder and harder gosh :(


	34. Can't fight this feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...I'm so sorry i know it has been a while since since the last chap but honestly i was just tired of everything and wanted sometime off   
> Sorry guys

After a while thor returned enraged and loki came after him trying to stop him   
"No, I know this look , don't do something stupid" Loki said loudly   
"Stupid?... you want to leave again and I'm the one who is going to do something stupid" thor shouted   
"Leaving… are you out of your fucken mind " banner yelled   
"Oh Common you too" Loki whined   
"Why do you wanna leave?" Steve asked him quietly  
"It is not about being here or any place else it's about being with me , it seemed like my presence annoying him" Thor said enraged and little hurt   
"Do I really have to explain this to you again? … fine, it is not about you thor, shockingly yes not everything must be related to you" Loki scoffed   
"so the problem is what?...us?" Natasha asked him 

"You playing tough don't you? Pretending to be a badass right?" Clint smirked   
"Me? No, I …I just want to go anywhere away from here I don't like it here, it is cold here and brings a lot of bad memories that I just want to forget it" Loki said frowning   
"Why you didn't just say this to me at first place?" Thor asked him sadly   
"I told you" Loki shouted " but you didn't listen to what I've to say… you never did" his voice broke   
" Loki please …" Thor said sadly   
"No, it's ok really…I get used to it long time ago , you have all the time to listen to your friends, oh especially this Sif , then came the mortal you love , what was her name? yes…Jane" Loki laughed bitterly " You even fought with me for her sake and finally your new friends here the avengers right" Loki smirked "But…you never have any time for the one you keep calling him your brother, so please stop pretending that you suddenly started to really care ,will you" Loki parked   
"Stop playing the victim role here would you…you didn't trust any of us enough to share thoughts with us , we all tried even Sif remember?" Thor said enraged   
"Sif? Who filled your head with lies about me , that I'm jealous of you, envy? That I betrayed you , she only knows one thing , how to hate me , mock me …otherwise none of your filthy friends wouldn't dare to treat me like this… I was a son of Odin too " Loki said in broken voice and vanished   
"Oh Common, first thing to have back is this power, now I must look for you where exactly? " Thor whined   
"Where did he go?" tony yelled   
"Don't care and don't want to know" Thor muttered   
"So…is it normal for you guys to just evaporate" Clint snarled  
"teleporting, his powers obviously started gathering pace" Thor explained enraged but little happy that loki was getting his powers back   
"Excuse me ! did you just say teleporting? He can do this now? Great what's next reading minds" Tony exclaimed   
" not a good time stark " thor growled   
"No, no you don't get it …I mean he is a hell of a fighter, good with weapons, excels magic better than anyone else and he can actually teleports yet this guy thinks of himself weak and worthless , wow" Tony yelled astonished   
"Cause he is just a stupid selfish child" Thor parked crumbling to the sofa "He only cares about himself and no one else, all what he sees is himself …I thought I was the blind one but I'm wrong , he is the one not me , this little arrogant" Thor muttered  
"Whoa big guy , don't take any decision you may regret it latter " Steve said   
"Don't worry I'm leaving anyways" Thor replied   
"Leaving? To where exactly? " he asked   
"I'll stay a couple days with Jane "  
"Can't this be delayed for a while , you have a thing here need to be ended don't you think" Banner said agitated   
"Jane is going abroad for a couple of weeks so yes I think it is a good time to leave before I do something I regret … I had enough of this crap anyway" Thor said coldly 

"But thor, are you sure it's a good idea? I mean; won't you regret this later?" Natasha said   
"No, Nat he is right, they need to be away for a while to think about it carefully" Clint said quietly   
"Glad we reach an agreement, well my friends I must leave now, farewell" Thor said and crushed out of the room then the tower in seconds   
"Now, where is loki?" banner asked   
They all looked at each other, wondering about the same question, the answer they hoped it that he was safe or at least didn't do something wild  
"Jarvis, do you know where did he go?" Tony asked   
"I'm afraid I can't tell you sir"   
"And why the hell is that?" Tony yelled   
"I've direct orders from Mr. Loki that I shall not prevail his location to anyone under any circumstances"  
"Now you took orders from him ? I'm your inventor for god sake" Tony parked   
"Not anymore mate" Clint smirked   
"Listen you dumb head you tell me where is he right now or I'll have a good time formatting you" Tony said red faced , he can't believe that he is fighting with his computer   
"Easy here" Steve said calming him down   
"Can you at least tell us if he is in the tower or not?" Banner asked impatiently   
"I can't tell you that either"  
"We will see about that" Tony hissed typing enraged on his tablet   
"you don't have permission " the alarm said   
"Loki you bastard" Tony shouted enraged   
"your language for god sake" Steve yelled   
"you shouldn't say that" Loki said coldly through a screen projected in front of them , he was angry but his eyes were little teary   
"Are you in my lab?" tony yelled   
"You shouldn't have said this" Loki parked and some glass broke around them and the screen went blank   
"What is wrong with this guy?" Tony yelled   
"I think it what you just called him, maybe" Banner said in a blaming tone   
"Such a soft guy" Tony scoffed   
"Stop it guys" Steve ordered them   
"What made him that mad?" Natasha asked   
"maybe it remembered him of something" Banner wondered   
"I don't care, I just wanna him out my lab" Tony said agitated   
"Then you might need to learn how to keep your mouth shut" Clint scoffed   
"Well this might be rusty" Natasha sighed heading to the left   
"Where are you going?" Clint asked   
"I'll have a little chat with him"  
"You think he will listen to you?" Tony smirked   
"Maybe, I've my own ways" she grinned at him   
"Good luck then" he smirked   
She took the left down to the lab, she hesitated for a while before she stood in front of the lab's door calling for loki   
"Loki, may I've a word with you please" she called out loud   
"Mr. Loki is busy right now, I've to ask you to come late " Jarvis answered her   
"I just wanna talk to you Loki please let me in"   
There a silence for couple a seconds before loki's voice was heard through the speakers next to the door   
"And why should I listen to you in first place" his voice was quiet but cold   
She sighed thinking then said "I know you're angry with tony about what he said earlier, but he didn't mean it really, he is just being an ass like always"   
"And he send you to tell me this?" he smirked   
"No, he didn't, I came because you too did the same thing to me remember, so apparently you owe me an apology"   
Loki didn't answer her, she stood there waiting when the doors opened , she walked inside grinning, she knew her ways always gave the best results   
"It wasn't me who said these words, you know this" Loki said quietly, he was sitting on a chair sketching something, she couldn't recognize it well as he was giving her his back   
"still, it was said by you, I don't care if it was said by who" she said walking to him   
Loki looked at her coldly and kept staring at her for a while like the last time, she played with tools on the table next to here to keep her from thinking about his look   
"I'm sorry" Loki said looking away, he really mean it she can feel it in his voice it was deep and sad though she was taken by that he really apologized to her   
" I don't even know what does it mean, so no problem" she smirked   
"Good, let's keep it this way"   
"Fair enough, can I ask you something?"  
"sure but it doesn't mean I've to answer it"   
"Why are you like this?... I mean sometimes you are so nice that we can clearly see you are Thor’s little brother the one we all loved all this time , other times you are as much insane and angry as we first met you…why this confusion I really can't understand you"   
Loki froze in his place and became paler she thought he won't answer her but he must, there is something deep something dark inside him and she need to find it out   
"That's because all of you think I'm lost" he said sadly   
"Then tell me the truth, aren't you lost?"  
"You are lost not me" he paused hesitated and said weakly" I'm not lost , I'm broken…to be lost means that you are just confused need someone to show you the way back home"  
"And to be broken what does it mean?" Natasha asked softly sitting next to him   
"To be broken means you have no home to go back to…when you are broken everyone think you are weak whining all the time they don't know what does it mean when you can't tell what you feel inside what is left inside you …emptiness like there is a big hole in your chest burning you alive sitting your head on fire to be broken is to look is to look in the mirror and can't recognize yourself"   
"To be afraid to look in the mirror afraid of what would you see" she muttered  
Loki looked at her wondering   
"Broken? Yes" she said smiling bitterly "You know my past don't you? I was just a tool used to kill people a living monster since I was nine I know what is like to feel of yourself as a monster to be lost , to be broken … in fact everyone in this building know these feelings except for cap we all here think of ourselves as monsters that's why we are here in first place "   
"I…I didn't know"  
"Now you do, Clint is just like me but fury helped him then me to use our powers in different side, Bruce always hunted by thoughts and memories of the actions of the other guy he can be very angry you know, Steve is stuck in time not his, living while everyone he knew is dead, lost everything and Tony he once was known as merchant of death with daddy issues just like you and lost his best friend in front of his eyes…so yeah we all messed up here, you just have to get through it "   
"You will get through this… that what people say, don't they?" Loki said in a broken voice and continued "what exactly does it mean 'to get through this?' through what? What is in the other side?" Loki cried   
"Your whole life , you still have your whole life to make things better to leave all this madness behind , to start again" Natasha said looking at him in the eyes   
"I don't want to get through it, I wanted to die…in it"   
"And those who loves you who wants you to come back to them again , you didn't of what would happen to them? Didn't you think of what would thor do? Or how will Frigga face the idea of losing you again?" she shouted at him   
"They will be used to it like they did before , that they had learned long time ago , they managed to continue their life normally without me once they can do it again"   
"See that the thing behind the grief , why we grief … grief is like a bag that sits at the bottom of your bed. And no matter what, without fail you have to pick it up every day , take it with you. Some days it will be filled with rocks, and you won't think you can carry it. And then other days…light as a feather. That is ( getting through it) , locking yourself up wishing to die won't help you at all , pepper told me you have some nice time together then what changed?"   
"I think it's like having so many copies of you but only exist inside your head each one has his own way to think and live and everyone want to control the others and be the real me, I don't know what should I do"  
"Maybe start to be yourself, all these copies are you so why not combine them all together making only one loki" 

"What if I couldn't? if I failed?"  
"We will try again nothing is impossible" she said holding his hand   
"We?"   
"Oh yes of course , did you think we'll leave you face this alone" she winked at him   
"Thanks" Loki said quietly   
"But first you must be more nicer with thor , please just a little he doesn't deserve this"  
"Fine, but he must stop treating me like a child first"   
"This might be difficult, being the youngest person here make everyone think you as a kid honestly I won't deny that we all think that I's our responsibility to look after you we can't help it" Natasha giggled   
"So I'm just a child in your eyes?" Loki whined   
"Umm call it the little brother none of us had , Steve used to play this role on all of us being technically the elder one so we call him mommy and tony used to tease fury calling him daddy it make sense you know, Steve always takes care of everyone, make us food and make sure we are safe and fury make rules and provide us with what we need and be there for us sometimes when we need him though he might be rough sometimes"   
"this seems nice"   
"Yeah, I think it is… oh another thing I know tony is a jerk but let him enter his lab it is literally his life" Natasha smirked   
"I'll but not now" Loki grinned   
"Can I ask you one more thing and don't answer if you want"  
"Why what he said made me that angry?"  
"Well yes"  
"He remembered of something this man made me saw it ..,live it actually"  
"Another illusion?"   
"Yes, I was in Joutinhiam captured by…laufey and he found out who I was and he said…" Loki paused he was shaking a little and his face was paler   
"Don't worry you can tell me nothing will harm you here" Natasha said stroking his shoulder   
"He called me the bastard son …the son he left in the cold abandoned to die , he said that I was an abomination and Odin should have left me to die but he was as weak as I'm" Loki said in a broken voice and some tears failed him and left his eyes   
"And you believed him? Loki you are not an abomination you are just different that's all and to be different isn't a bad thing in fact being different is what makes you special loki" she said hugging him calming him down   
"You listen to this bastard and refuse to listen to us ,Na this must change do you copy that boy" She smirked   
"Yes" Loki sniffled hugging her back 'Can I ask you something?"  
"of course go on"   
"Being left alone is something seemed to be attached to my nature" Loki said bitterly " Can you promise me…that if you had to leave me alone again do it in a way make me suffer less please" his voice was cracking, he tried to stay strong and not break again   
"What are you saying? Why you think that I …that any one of us may leave you?"   
"I'm tired of feeling alone all the time… I'm tired of always left alone " Loki cried   
"You don't have to pretend to be ok…don't have to act like everything is fine, let everything out if you kept all these feelings inside you …your life will be a living hell" she said to him quietly   
"I'm already living in hell, you think this life? just a breath in and a breath out…some days I just wish I died this day"  
"Why you keep going back to this point over and over don't you ever get tired, thor was right when he said you enjoy torturing yourself" she yelled at him   
"I can't, I just can't pretend to be someone else" he cried   
"So let us help you, lock all these fucken thoughts instead f locking yourself up" she parked at him 

 

"You all say the same thing all the time but it always ends the same , with you leaving me alone , to suffer alone … I'm don't want to trust any one again I don't want to , I don't have room to" he shouted at her   
"We won't leave you that what I can promise you and I intend to keep my word" Natasha said firmly   
"How I know you saying the truth not playing another game on me?" he said in breaking voice   
"I swear it is not a fucken game, give me…give us one more chance to show you that we really care please" she said almost begging him   
"You can't break what is already broken, so one more chance won't be a problem to me" he said quietly looking at her   
"And I won't let you down" she whispered at him and hugged him again   
"From now on you will do exactly what I tell you to do understood?"   
Loki nodded , she grabbed his hand making him stand on his feet   
"Come , we spend a lot of time here we need to join the others"   
"But.."  
"I think I told you to do what I tell you to do without asking" She gazed at him   
"Still I don't think it is a good idea"   
"Com'on don't worry" she said firmly grabbing him tightly and left the lab.


	35. In My Time Of Dying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just sorry....

When they returned back to the room everyone stopped talking and stared at them, they noticed Loki’s red face and swelling eyes like he was crying , Natasha gave them a look of don't say a word about it.   
They kept staring at him don't have an idea of what to say to him it seemed to them that any word they say might cause another problem , Loki didn't like being watched by everyone in the room like he was some kind of show they freak him out being with too many people is already a problem being with too many people staring at him is definitely a nightmare, he moved more closer to Natasha like he was hiding from their eyes   
Natasha felt his fear she holds his hand tightly and whispered to him that everything is ok and no need to be worried   
"I don't like to be watched" Loki muttered  
"What?" Tony said loudly and Steve poked him to shut up   
"uhm…sorry loki we were just worried" Steve said   
"how are you now?" Banner asked him   
"Fine" Loki said coldly heading to his room   
"Where are you going?" Natasha asked him   
"To my room, I want to have some time alone"   
"Not gonna happen , you have a lot of time alone "  
"We had a lot of talking already can't I've some rest"   
"Fine but in one condition"  
"What?"  
"You will join us in dinner without any excuses"  
"Alright"   
After loki had left they surrounded Natasha asking her dozens of questions   
"Hold on " she shouted at them " How I suppose to answer all of that in the same time"  
"Answer me first" Tony yelled at her   
"Actually I didn't ask him" she grinned at him   
"So what the hell you were talking about?"  
"Nothing in particular, just talking"  
"And what did you come out from it?" Clint asked her  
"He is still the same doesn't trust us even thor"   
"After all what we did to him ?" Banner said in disbelief  
"He thinks it is just a game that we play on him"   
"What?" Banner yelled   
"You must excuse him after all what he had to go through all the lies …he can't trust anyone again…if you really want to help him you should try earning his trust and yes watch your language please , he had to listen to insults and horrible words for a long time and I don't think he is eager to hear any of it again" Natasha said firmly 

 

The bond that they once were proud of its existence faded became weaker anger replaced everything they once had and silence became the unspoken agreement among them, everyone tried to fix between them again but in vain Thor doesn’t respond to their calls .Things were more difficult with loki as he knew that he was the cause of this fight, he hated himself more it only caused him to be more depressed and secretive he gradually changed to be more like a ghost that only can been seen when everyone is sleep, he didn't want to face any one of them under any circumstances he stayed in his room deciding not to get out of it , but what he really doesn't wanna confess that he feels alone again hurt again, what Natasha told him what she promised him of…she didn't keep it he now realizes what was it, it is just some words people say to condole others…some words they say just to make them feel better and satisfied about themselves, another lies added to the list, but this wasn’t the truth...she came to him everyday talking with him about everything thing, how silly clint and Tony were today or how Steve ran after them when they drew on his shield some funny pictures, though he didn’t let her in even once, she continued....siting on the floor telling him how much they all miss him wanting him back.  
Clint came too yelling at him daring him to come so he can beat him in their delayed game, Tony always came late at night whining about some problems with his suits , sometimes about how annoying Steve was but sometimes he cries especially when he drank a lot telling him to come out calling him names to make him angry.  
Steve would leave him his favourite food all the time though Loki never took it but he always did, one time he found the courage to tell him about Bucky..  
“Remember, when I called you Bucky, I think it’s time to know him” Steve said laughing nervously expecting no respond from him  
“Bucky was my best friend...my only friend he was there always for me even before I became Captain America he is the reason of the man I’m right now, though in your condition before, you should remind me of myself but every time I look at you I see him, both of you brave, strong ready to fight to the end for the people you care for, both of you fall to their certain death, yes...I had to see him fell off the train and I couldn’t save him that make me another Thor huh?...but both of you strong enough to come back to fight the dark holding you, to resist what is trying to control you , say no this is enough...you know because like I know Bucky I know you, you both are fighters with ego to not let anyone plays with your lives...and I will tell you what I’m going to tell him...I’m with you till the end of the line buddy”   
Their visits didn’t stop but they started to lose hope fearing that he might has lost the willing to come back to fight this, drowning himself with lies and elusions not wanting to believe any of this or admit that they are all here caring for him wanting their Loki to come back.   
Why he doesn't want to admit it cause it doesn't matter the only one matters left him alone again he misses him so much so why he didn't show him this, why he always has to be secretive about the good feeling? He can easily tell him that he hates him and hurts him but can't say that he needs him the most!  
One night he thought he heard a noise outside his room, someone is trying to get in he thought, none of them would do this...they know this would only make him angry so who was there!!   
He heard a small whimper, whoever was that he was trying to keep quiet and not to cry...Thor   
Loki stood leaning to the door listening to his heavy breath   
“I...won’t leave you...you know this right?” his voice was broken with pain and longing for his brother   
“I promise you” Thor muttered   
Loki fought an urge to cry.... To open the door going to his brother but he felt weak he felt cold...and Thor was gone  
"You really think he loves you? Misses you? "   
"You again, what do you want?" loki said quietly   
"Loki why don't you believe that I'm your only friend here you remember what I did for you right?"   
"You make me the person I never wanted to be…you made a monster of me" Loki shouted   
"No, I only showed you the truth, and the truth always hurt you know this better than me…I stood with you, when I found you … you were lost and I helped you remember?"   
"Helped me? You manipulated me , tortured me so how exactly you helped me?"  
"by making you the person you are now...strong, powerful , no one to tell you what to do or to know your place, I made you respected"   
"respected? They fear me, see me like a monster the insane who almost destroyed their city, you make me a murderer" Loki’s voice was full of angst yet shaking a little   
"you asked for power, you asked to be equal …but now power isn't gained without paying the price , it was your choice"   
"lies …lies...all I hear from any one is lies…I never chose to be like this, to even can't recognize myself anymore , you ruined my life you made me hate myself …you know what I choose now? to die " Loki cried covering his face  
"I wanna to die…poo hoo little princess, did I hurt your feeling …   
"No…not really, you didn't" Loki said quietly  
"What…what do you mean?"   
"Did you really fell for it? You really thought I can so pathetic like this, you disappointed me or maybe I thought of you much than you really are" loki smirked  
"Oh stop your silly riddles boy" the voice shouted at him   
"Hey, keep it low no one rise his voice on me understand…now to make things simple so your tiny brain can understand it, this…all of it was just a game, see I was bored and playing the role of the weak pathetic one was so fun"   
"Really"   
"what you don't believe me?!..see when people think of you as the weak one the hopeless one they tend to be less cautious about their secrets "   
"You know nothing runt"   
"I know that you are not more than a filthy slave…Just a voice can’t hurt me ... so who is the runt now?"  
"How did you know?" another voice asked   
"another one…no problem still I'll answer you, You cowards always have this bad urge t say big wards and do nothing, and this one talks a lot he never did anything to me at all jut a pathetic coward “   
“Clever boy, that’s why I’m here now , he was just saying what I told him to say, I’m the one who was there all the time ...I told you I don’t leave my friends” he hissed   
Loki started to feel weak, he can’t move he was so powerful than him , he felt it was the end ...his end 

It has been three days since their fight yet he still angry not with loki but with himself , he knew loki is not the one he once knew that he changed but he kept pushing him trying to recall the brother who he now knows that he is gone forever, Jane told him to go back his staying would make things worse his mind already not with her she told him to come back when he fixes what he did , he left her with a promise that will never be broken   
"How I end up with such a woman, like a one from a legend or old story"  
The night has fallen when he arrived at the tower, nothing changed like he never left after all he was only gone for just three days   
"well, look who is where, you missed us already"  
" stark…why it always should be you the first one I meet"  
"obviously because I'm awesome" tony smirked   
"No, because of my really bad luck"  
"Hey" tony wined   
"Thor, thank god you are back" banner said happily   
"we were worried that you won't come back" Steve said   
"and leave loki? Are you mad? I thought if I go away for a while I would think things out"   
"and?"  
"I was wrong, it make things worse than it was before"  
"what matters now that you are here, things have been difficult for all of us" banner said tiredly   
"Did something happened? Is loki okay?"   
"We don't know…he never leaves his room" Steve answered worried   
"Didn't you even tried to talk to him ?" thor was agitated   
"We tried" banner shouted breathing heavily   
"Hey doc you need to take it easy and calm down" Tony said quickly moving back   
"I'm sorry, we…we tried thor all long these three days we tried but he never let us in" banner said in more quiet but shaky voice   
"Well you should have called me"  
"Now we are the one to be blamed ?!" Clint scoffed   
"No, that is not what I meant"   
"Oh yeah, and what exactly did you mean?"   
"That if anything went wrong you should have called the one who is related with it not letting him to be the last one to know" Thor parked at him   
"As I remember you are the one who left, so blame only yourself big guy"  
"I left to avoid making things worse"   
"As if your presence now won't make it that way" Clint smirked   
"Shut it, both of you now" Steve shouted "You act like two spoiled boy, don't you what is leading all of us to, an endless fighting about whom to blame, we were all wrong, loki is not a child he is grown man for god sake surely spending couple of days by himself don't mean the end of the world"   
"You kidding right, this is loki we are talking about here, the last time he went nuts it was literally the end of the world" Tony shouted   
"it is not loki that make us worry it what or who is controlling him" Natasha said moving around them   
"right, Jarvis is loki awake?" Thor asked though he knew he was  
"yes sir, but he is not in his room"  
"Where did he go then?" Thor asked impatiently  
"on the roof"   
"What is the hell is he doing there?" thor shouted heading to him worried , but suddenly he stopped like he was frozen in his place, why every time he is so close to loki he become angry and only wants to shout at him, does he hate him? No he will never hate his own brother so what is wrong with him, what is the secret behind all this hatred   
"Hey thor, are you alright? You just paused" banner said shaking him gently   
"I can't go to him"   
"Why?"   
"I just can't"   
"go, run like you always did…what is wrong with you? What is making you leave your brother like this every time?" Clint shouted pushing him   
"I can’t, I tried ...I went to his room first but couldn’t find the courage to face him, I’m tired of feeling like this all the time afraid of losing him, or fighting with him again, it’s not just only me Loki too I’m sure he feels the same, something has changed”  
"You need to give yourself a break, apparently your visit to Jane didn't do you a lot, the problem isn't with loki, the problem is you, you need to understand yourself before trying to understand him" Banner said to him walking him away till they reach the main hall   
"Loki won't go anywhere and we need to talk, sit down " banner ordered him   
"There is nothing to talk about" thor said desperately   
"There is a lot to talk about" tony said handing him a drink   
Thor drank it at once then took a deep breath they were all staring at him waiting him to start talking as if he doesn't have enough pressure already   
"So, talk what is your problem" Tony asked impatiently   
"Shut up tony, we don't need your outstanding character right now" Clint smirked   
"not either you Clint, so why you go do something useful" Natasha said pulling both of them out  
"now we can talk" banner said   
"I thought if I go away for a while this feeling will be gone, but I was wrong, just being here few steps away from him or even thinking of him it brings all over again"   
"I don't know thor maybe it because deep inside you want the old loki back and you can't accept that he is gone so every time you saw him your mind reacts this way convincing you that he isn't your brother that this man is your enemy and you need to fight him to get your brother back"   
"but I already got my brother back" thor cried  
"yes but not like you always remembered him you said it by yourself" Steve explained   
"I don't care if he changed or not all I care about is that he is here"  
"you just say this, don't deny that you miss when he was the young prince your little brother who always listened to you followed you to everywhere, not the one who is always shouting at you rejecting you"   
"it is just, I miss him the old him the one I used to talk with him for hours the one who knows everything about me knows all my secrets, everyone is telling to stay strong for loki to keep fighting never lose your nerve, but I can't not any more , you know…for weeks I kept telling myself to carry on to stay strong, kept telling myself that he will come back to me, kept telling myself that one day all of this will be just a bad memory we manage to forget, a bad dream that will be gone when he remembers me"   
"you can't lose hope… not now"   
"it is gone all of it…like a long cold night that won't come to an end and the dawn looks a far away dream"  
"even in a long night a little star can be your guide when the darkness fall it will shine down upon you" Steve said moving close to him and whispers "believe and you will find your way"   
"but it is a long lonely way" thor cried   
"long maybe but lonely never, how can you be lonely when you have us" Natasha asked him   
"I know that but he doesn't this stubborn idiot won't let you help him, that is why I lost hope cause I know him well " thor shouted covering his face   
"Are you finished"   
"What do you want tony" Natasha shouted  
"some serious shit happened, if you finished your opera show I can use some help" Tony smirked   
"What happened ?" Thor asked reaching his hammer   
"Jarvis has been recording some strange reading a form of life, not stable come and go but this time it's strong, we are not alone guys"  
"Think I know where to find its source" Thor said "I think it's time to pay my brother a visit, follow me"   
"loki, why I'm not surprised" Clint scoffed checking for his gun   
"you will stay here …all of you" thor said quietly and knocked on the door   
"seriously! You will knock"   
"shut up tony for once in your life just keep your comments for yourself would you" thor hissed at him   
"Fine" tony whined   
"loki open the door we need to talk"   
This voice, thor he is here, he came back…for me   
"you were wrong he didn't leave me" Loki cried in joy   
"shush listen" thor said trying to overhear whatever is happening inside   
"after all this time and you still don't get it, I'll never help you" Loki shouted enraged   
"loki, who are you talking to?" thor yelled knocking on the door more and more   
"you know you gave me the only thing I need, after your pawn was gone, I was free for few hours yeah, but it was a long time for me…no one controlling me or poisoning my thoughts"  
"Dead, oh yes I know, but don't care really what can happen worse another elusion? Another lie? Or another death? I died already"  
"let me in please loki, or I will get in by my way"   
They could hear the ticking of the door lock, the door was opened but no one came out, thor rushed inside looking for loki, when he found him sitting on the floor against the wall   
"I'm tired thor" his voice was weak   
Thor ran towards him reaching his hand to hold him   
"I'm here now, tell me what is wrong?"  
"You really here? you came back for me"  
"of course, did you doubt that?"   
"no, I…" loki gasped in pain it was like he can't take his breath and start coughing badly   
"Banner" thor shouted terrified


	36. Goodbye Stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just don't hate me okay !! :/

There was a noise outside and everyone rushed to the room the panic in Thor’s voice was enough to ignore his orders   
Bruce didn't need to ask a single look on loki face and he knew everything, he was falling again to the start   
"I'm tired, I just need to rest" loki said comforting thor   
"Don't, whatever happened don't let him sleep or even close his eyes" banner yelled checking Loki’s pulse   
"but why? If he needs to have some rest how this can be a problem" thor asked pleading   
"it's happening again but this time"   
"I won't make it, I know" loki said smiling sadly   
"what are you two talking about?" his voice started to crack   
"he was here all this time thor even now I can see him waiting"   
"waiting for what?"  
"For me to accomplish my part of the deal"  
"what deal?" Clint asked worried  
"I lost and he….he gave me two choices, fight or die"  
"Fight, this the only choice you have" thor cried   
"fight who thor? I'm not sure on which side I'd be if I chose to fight, he is even more powerful "   
"but you have to, I can't lose you" thor cried holding him tightly   
"you lost me since the day I fall, it is the end now, after all this time now I can rest" his voice was weaken and his body was colder than it ever was   
"do something" thor parked at them and tears ran on his face   
"it is too late thor"   
"no it's never too late, isn't that what you used to say"  
"not this time my brother, I was such a pain in your head and I caused you a lot of troubles now you rest from all this" loki said smiling at him   
"I can handle all of this but don't go, if you leave me I'll be lost and alone , I only have you"   
"He isn't going anywhere, do you hear me you are not going anywhere" Banner pleaded   
"I've made my choice already, hey Clint you still own me this but I don’t think I’ll keep my word”   
"will you shut him up before I kick his ass, you are not going anywhere..." his said in agony with eyes shining with tears   
"listen you oaf" Tony shouted "believe it or not but you became one of us, all these months living under the same roof taking care of each other especially you…every fucken day one of us goes to your room after you sleep only to make sure that you are okay, so don't dare to tell us now that we are not your friends, I've soo many plans and each fucken one of then you are in it"   
"what tony is trying to say, what we all trying to say that you fool silly kid became one of us since the day you passed out on the roof since this day you became our responsibility" Natasha said sitting next to him holding his cold hand   
"Irony is all this time I was trying to make you guys like me accepting me and I failed walking away from you all the time and when you finally say it …is the only time I wished that you hated me, so when I leave I can cause no more pain or sorrow, now……now you only make it harder on me" he gasped in pain holding his chest   
"fight him, don't give up you coward" Steve shouted at him   
"and give him a chance to hurt all of you this selfish"   
"what about pepper?" tony ask him enraged   
"what about here?" loki wondered   
"You are in love for god sake"   
"what!...no, she is my friend…you all think that we are..?" loki exhaled staring at them   
"well uhm yeah , you seemed to have this chemistry"  
"we have this chemistry because I remembered her of someone, it wasn't difficult for her to understand me or to know how I think cause she already knew it"   
"and who is that?" tony asked completely stunned   
"she is in love with a complete idiot, and oh this idiot is you" loki smirked before he felt pain again   
"I'll freak out later" tony mumbled astonished   
"and what about me ?" Thor said broken  
"think of it like a second chance to say goodbye…for me to die while you holding me, I can ask for no more brother"   
"Don’t you say it" thor cried hugging him closely “You promised you will stay with me....I promised I won’t leave you again"  
“please don’t make it hard on me” Loki said holding his hand tightly  
"it will never be easier it will always be the same…a part of me was ripped before and I've to see it ripped again in front of my eyes why"  
"There has to be some way you can save him, right" Natasha cried   
"It's too late, Nat" banner said looking away   
"just hang in there, please" thor said in a breaking voice   
" I … I need you to promise me something"   
"No" he cried wanting to go away, to run from this terrible dream but it wasn't a dream to run from   
"please; just promise me that will forget about me you will forget all of this and go back home with Jane, I was a burden for a long time don't continue to make me like this when I'm gone"  
"A burden? After all we've been through and you call yourself a burden, fine but you know what? you are really a burden…that I'm gladly to carry whole my life" thor voice was trembling with anger and fear " I raised you boy, you my brother…my friend…my everything, how can just forget about you"  
"I don't want to lose you, but you have to let me go…That's how I want you to remember me, please "  
"No…"  
"If you don't, I'll fall to darkness again…" loki said smiling at him with eyes full of tears…relief tears   
"No….I don't want to let you go" thor cracked holding his hand tightly   
"I need you to…please…let go" his voice was almost can be heard like it was fading   
"please don't" Thor cried watching him fade away like a shadow...like he was never there , only what was left an echo whispering to him   
"I …I love you, brother"   
“But...you promised” Thor muttered sobbing holding his cape the only thing to remember his brother with, he can feel him ...his smell , his smile , his laughs and his tears but there is no him anymore .

Thor felt his heart stop and his body as cold as ice but also can sense the presence of magic as green glimmer embraced him and he was gone faded in the air like he was never there, he is gone and there isn't even a body to burry   
"He is gone" thor said in a broken voice not even a single tear dropped from his eyes, there weren't any tears no more, the one person he did all of this to just be with…is gone forever, he came back to see his brother die, what kind of terrible fait is this!! He only had one job and he failed …a promise he had to keep the only promise that will never be kept   
A promise they all broke, like unspoken words the thought of being responsible of his death hunted them all especially Steve being the captain of this team it was his responsibility to keep everyone safe including loki but they were fooled by his silence and peace the past days that they didn't suspect something was wrong   
No one felt as much pain as Clint he was the closest one to him he stayed in his room staring to nothing with eyes full of tears  
And for the first time stark and Bruce shared a common thing; anger both of them was so angry that they kept trespassing the room over and over to calm down   
Natasha just sat next to thor holding his hands with her tears bursting on her face   
Anger, guilt, grieve, sadness, lost…so many feels and so many thoughts but the only one that matters was…He was gone…forever.  
Thor spent all the night watching the dark skies though the moon was full and shiny stars scattered in the skies it was still dark for him, black reminding him of his brother, oh how much he loved watching the skies spent many nights doing nothing but looking at it, dreaming of discover it all.  
He begged for this to be just a nightmare and he would wake up from it any moment now, to find his brother still here; even if he was evil again…he will protect him whatever this cost him….a second chance is all what he needs   
"Just come back" he whispered and his tears rolled on his face knowing that this was his second chance…his last chance   
A month passed since that dark night, which eventually like anything else became a memory belong to the past, life must go on but losing the ones you love is hard and impossible to forget it will always hurt.

"To carry on living" is the debt you have to pay for loving them knowing that not grieve nor the memories will bring them back or make it easy to live, knowing that the only thing they left is a hole in your heart that can never be filled.


	37. fare thee well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys sorry for the delay, things were messy these past days ! But I'm here now :D hope you like the new chap

After what happened, thor went missing, at first they thought he went back to asgard but how? There was no way back that is for sure, maybe he went to see Jane after what he went through he needed her now by his side more than ever, so they took off to see Jane.  
Only Steve and Natasha gone the rest had to stay in case of anything happen   
When they arrived, Darcy was waiting for them she looked so excited for finally meeting them that she didn't stop talking and staring at them   
"I got your message, you said you wanted to meet Jane at once"   
"Erm.. yes where is she?" Steve said   
"she will be here in 15 minutes, tea?"  
"anything cold will be great" Natasha said annoyed by the heat   
"yeah sorry for that, we had to cut the power off, one of our experiments was a total disaster, Erik is working on it now, it will be back soon I hope" she said giving them a cold soda   
"Thanks, have you seen thor? I mean didn't he come to visit Jane recently?" Steve asked   
"it has been six months since the last time he was here, actually Jane was thinking of visiting you "  
"Darcy come and help me with these" Jane said entering the room carrying a large box "oh, sorry…Steve Natasha what are you doing here? Is everything okay? I mean welcome"   
"Hey easy there, let me take this from you and sit down you look tired" Steve said taking the box from her  
"Thank you, it was a long day and thor didn't show up for six months and now you are here, something is wrong right?" she said quickly out of her breath   
"We don't know" Natasha said looking to Steve worriedly   
"sorry what? you…you don't know!" her voice was cracking   
"Thor told you about loki right? The last time he was here"  
"Erm…yes he said that you were wrong and that something or someone was controlling him and that he was fine now"  
"actually loki is dead"   
"What?"  
"He died a month ago, whatever that was controlling him was so much stronger than him that the only way to resist him was to die" Steve said   
"And where was thor? Where were you from all of that?"   
"We couldn't do anything no one could, but thor…he refused to believe that he was gone, he stayed all the night in his room and in the morning he was gone"  
"Maybe he went back to Asgard" Darcy said   
"No"  
"How can you be so sure?!"  
"I know because I had to tell a mother that her son is dead and the other went missing" Steve shouted at her and left  
" What's wrong with him?" Darcy asked frowning   
"Sorry for that, we have to go, I'll give you a call if we found anything" Natasha said preparing to leave  
"Hey, just wait here, do you expect me to let you go like that?" Jane said angrily   
"Yes and you will, we don't have time for babysitting"  
"But this thor we talk about here, my thor"  
"Your thor…need his team right now not a puny scientist who can't harm a fly" Natasha scoffed   
"I believe you are right" she said in a broken voice  
"Good" Natasha ran back to Steve she broke a heart and on her way to fix another   
"I failed Natasha…I failed"  
"no you didn't you can't keep blaming yourself, he made his choice to save us all, he was braver than all of us" she said lifting up his face to face her  
"you saw the look on her face, so much more could have been done so much more" he shouted kicking the ground   
"You think you are the one who failed him?, you are wrong, he is the one who failed us"  
Steve looked at her in shock " He is dead"  
"And why is that? Cause he was coward to face his fears, he neither asked for our help nor fought back, he wanted to be worthy he thought that would make him a hero, where is he now"  
Steve stepped away shocked of what she just said,did she lost her mind ? One minute she was calling him hero who saved us now he is a coward!! he felt his heart brats racing and everything went blur, he wasn't shocked he was angry so angry that if clint didn't just show up he would have done something make him regrets for rest of his life  
"Come with me now" Clint pulled her and walk away as fast as he could   
"Nat, tell me have you fell on your head recently?"   
She was taken by his question can't tell if he was joking or not   
"what the hell were you thinking when you said this?" Steve said storming towards her   
"Whoa big guy calm down" Clint said standing in front of her quickly   
"move of the way clint" Steve hissed   
"No way both of you went insane, look at you fighting with each other instead of working the hell out together"  
"I only said the truth captain, this take long time and we have better things to take care of more than a grieving blonde"   
"Nat enough" clint shouted at her  
"no, you know why are we called Avengers because it's our job to fight back to avenge for what we lost, grieving is not part of our job"  
"she is right" Tony said landing   
"What are you doing here?" Steve asked   
"found the big guy, he is fine and waiting back in tower"  
"good, we have an assemble in shield in two hours, be there" Natasha said leaving them  
"leave her now" tony said stopping clint from following her  
they both looked at him questioning if he knew something they don't  
"I thought you knew her better clint " tony said smiling sadly  
"I don't know ...she has been acting weirdly for a while like she is hiding something from me, can you imagine that ? Nat hiding something from me!! " clint said frowning , her recent actions hurt him so much   
"grief is a strange feeling you can't handle seeing the one you care for grieving but you can't stop yourself from feeling the same" Tony said   
"she grieving loki? didn't you hear what she said" Steve scoffed  
"on that day i saw her going to loki's room i stood there fearing they might fight but this didn't happen, i heard them talking and laughing "  
"in the same day of his...?"Steve asked quickly  
"yes...laughing and talking together then few hours later she had to watch him die, she is feeling betrayed , after that night i went to her , she was quiet but her eyes said all...she tried to act tough but when i mentioned what i saw she quit it "   
"she cried?" clint asked  
"ask her " tony said looking at something behind them it was natasha, she was standing there silently  
"why did you come back?" steve said upset   
"who said i left " she tried to make her voice calm but they could feel her break clint walked to her and stood in front of her staring at her eyes like he sees her for the first time, then he grabbed her in a hug whispering some words to her , suddenly natasha bursted sobbing and hugged him back remembering that night .... 

She regretted leaving him all this time by his own , though he won’t let her in like always but she made him a promise and intends to keep it, she stood in front of his room for at least 15 minutes in this moment fighting entire army by herself seemed an easy mission comparing to knock on his door , she wasn't afraid no...she was only worried of his reaction he has this high temper and fighting with him is something she would love to avoid  
"Are you going to stand there all day?"   
"How did you ..." she gasped , he was standing there in front of her smiling but tiredly  
"will, come in " he said heading back to his seat  
" uhm, How are you?" damn it , what's wrong with me, she said to herself  
"Fine, are you here for just asking me that" he smirked   
"Shut up" nat shouted at him trying to look serious but she was glad he is fine and still enjoying his sass  
"Are you going to give me these or i have to snatch them?" he said moving closer to me staring at my eyes  
"oh, yes here you go , i made pepper make them for you " gosh he make me so nervous always , i don't love him don't be stupid i mean i do love him but not in that way, he is like the brother i always dreamed of having and when it came true i have no idea what to do” she stared at him thinking   
"umm delicious, if midgardians are good at one thing it is this "   
seeing him like this gave her a warm feeling made me smile , his love to chocolate is adorable but she felt he is hiding something being that cheerful wasn’t a thing Loki known for, but she shaked her head laughing at her silly thoughts  
"Give me that, i wanna some " she said grabbing the plate from him  
"No, it's mine" he yelled frowning  
"oh my god" she shouted looking shocked   
"What!!" he paused looking worried  
"You look so.."  
"What?" he yelled   
"Cute" she said laughing at his reaction , his face went red and he looked away "loki I'm sorry"   
"for what ?" he sat next to me  
"for leaving you all this time alone , i gave you my word and i didn't keep it I'm sorry i should have tried harder not leaving you like that"   
"Hey don't worry, I'm used to stay alone, and you are here now that all what matters and it was me who didn’t let you in so it’s not your fault" he said smiling at her , he had the most beautiful smile you will ever see  
"keep it always like this" she pointed to his heart "   
"I'll miss you nat " he said looking sad  
"Why....are you leaving somewhere?"  
"it only matter of time till thor take me back to asgard rough days are coming "  
he was afraid she can feel it, at this moment she sure that both had the feeling that something bad is going to happen.  
"silly me , forget what i said and give me my chocolate back " he said in a childish way making her laugh so hard he laughed until his eyes brightened with tears and it was the last memory of him with her ... 

“You mean he knew this was going to happen and still he acted like everything was okay?” Clint gasped 

“if he was really dead” Tony muttered, flying away “meeting in one hour, don’t be late” he said to them firmly   
“what?...Are you all lost your mind or what?” Steve rasped leaving too  
“Nat, please you need to let go, I know what you thought of him what feelings he brought in you, but you need to move on” Clint said holding her hand   
“I can’t, he...betrayed me how can he laugh at my face like everything is okay making me ignoring the fact that nothing was okay, I hate him” she cried hiding her face   
Clint just stood there frozen not knowing what to do, he never saw her like that before even in their worst time Natasha was always the strongest one never letting her feelings control her but now she was hurt.  
An hour later they were all standing in the main room waiting for Thor and Tony , they avoided looking at each other since that night no one of them had the courage to go back to this floor again neither did Tony so he moved all their stuff to another floor   
“They are late” Bruce said trying to break this strange ice between them   
“Yeah” Steve said staring at nothing   
“So, did you finish your work in India or should I say your run” Natasha asked Bruce coldly   
“Yes, and excuse me if I needed some time alone away from all of this” he said quietly not even looking at her  
“All of what exactly?” she asked with the same quiet tone   
“This...you...all this memories, everywhere I look I see him hear him, I’m done with losing people all the time” his voice was full of anger and despair   
“And you think running away will end it? You..Thor.. just left everything behind your backs and disappeared” Steve said bitterly  
“You want us to do what exactly? Sitting here whining burying ourselves in memory” Bruce parked   
“We supposed to be a team”   
“And we are, but what happened is beyond that, we may be a team but we are not the same, Cap” clint said trying to calm them down   
“No, we are the same you know why? Because the truth is we all ran” Tony said joining them finally “we all buried our selves in work trying to forget everything , Bruce going back to his old work and you Clint accepted every mission without complaining like usual , and you two with all the hydra and shield shit...and me in my lap , so yeah we all ran cause none of us is ready for this” he shouted waving his hand “to come back here finding everything the same like he never left , like a month ago we weren’t here finally feeling we belong finally feeling we are home....to come back here finding everything the same like he never left , like a month ago we weren’t here finally feeling we belong finally feeling we are home....to come back finding this ripped of us, because it’s just making me want to destroy everything here, this room where we sat listening to Thor’s tales , the kitchen where we laughed where we make fun of ourselves to make this kid feel safe, his room where we spent nights without sleep looking after him listening to his crying...” Tony gasped in angst crying for the first time they see him crying, all this feeling buried inside him growing day after day till he can’t take it anymore “We ran afraid if seeing another one of us die” he said in a broken voice before he crush on floor leaning to the wall crying and screaming in agony   
“Tony...why you hid it all this time” Steve gasped in shock sitting next to him   
“All this time thinking you the toughest one thought you became like your suits.. The jerk who only cares about himself drowning himself in work and drinking, but I think we all were wrong about you” Clint muttered hugging him   
“Don’t do that again” Tony said standing away from him   
“Shut up” Clint snarled wiping his tears   
“Look at us , what the hell happened to all of us” Natasha exclaimed   
“We have something to live for making of us a family then we lost it” Steve said sighing   
“Where is Thor?” Clint asked  
“I don’t know” Tony replied  
“Didn’t you say you found him?”   
“Jarvis said that not me, he sensed his powers here and also there is this message from him to call everyone for a meeting here” Tony said showing them the message on his phone   
“Since when Thor can text?” Clint smirked when the thunder boomed outside  
“Speaking of the devil” Tony said slightly worried   
They waited for him to show up but instead they heard a noise coming from a certain room...The only room they have been avoiding all this time...Loki’s room   
“Of course, where else would he be” Steve sighed heading to him and they followed him hesitated 

“Hey big guy” Steve said smiling at him   
“How can you stand this silent?” He said looking around memorising every inch of the room , he looked awful , red swelling eyes, messy hair , wearing the same clothes , holding his cape near his heart touching it frequently   
“Where the hell have you been?” Tony parked at him   
“But this silent won’t ever end I assume” Thor continued lost in his world   
“Thor” Steve called him worried looking at the rest   
“Where did you go Thor?” Bruce asked approaching him   
“I...was here with Loki, he hated to be left alone so I stayed with him” his voice was husky like he didn’t use it for a while when Natasha slapped him   
No one saw when did she end up standing in front of him , they stared at her shocked from the anger look on her face   
“He didn’t give up his life for you so you end up like this, stop whining and put your shit together, you pathetic” she shouted hitting him on his chest   
“I...can’t”   
“Yes you can, Loki believed in you to be strong after he is gone believed that only you can end everyone suffering not making it worse, You of all of us should be the one who keep us strong keep us fighting”   
“You left in the most time you were needed, did you have any idea how was it hard to bring this to your mother, you have any idea how much I needed you beside me to keep this team this family from falling apart” Steve said in a broken voice, the fact that he always considered Thor as the leader of this team after him to count on him and suddenly not having him around in this desperate time everything fell into his shoulder   
“You don’t wanna listen to us fine but at least keep the promise you made to your brother” Tony rasped  
Thor looked at him confused what promise ?!   
“To let go, Thor” he said quietly   
“To forget him? Never” Thor cried   
“Who said to forget him, everyone loses people they love does this mean life has to stop? Does this mean the end? No Thor life must go on, I know it’s hard but you need to let go, Thor” he said quietly   
“To forget him? Never” Thor cried   
“Who said to forget him, everyone loses people they love does this mean life has to stop? Does this mean the end? No Thor life must go on, I know it’s hard but you need to let go like you did before” Steve said sitting next to him   
“This what makes it hard, having to live this again , people grieve one time but I had to mourn him twice...losing him after I thought I found him again, having to go back and to be the one to tell mother that I failed again ?,so yes I ran away what else did you expect me to do” he said covering his face   
“but you are back now and that what matters, no more running okay, all of you” Natasha said looking at all of them   
“I...came here before, none of you was here, I thought I’d find him here waiting for me like he used to do hugging me shouting at me to leaving him all this time by himself ....I thought it would one if his games and he would show up laughing at me that I fell for that again but...he didn’t” his voice started to break again   
“Thor enough of that please” Natasha shouted at him with tears in her eyes   
“No,no but you know the funny thing is he always kept his promise even it would put him in danger, since we were kids he never broke a promise he made for me, how many times he got hurt only to keep his promise and every time I shouted at him pleaded him not to do this and the only time I really wanted him to keep his promise was the only time he broke it, I can’t let go that easy you know why ?...Because I promised not to let go of him never again and he promised that he would stay with me , that he won’t leave me again...He promised” he looked at them with tears covering his face   
“For god sake please cut this talk out, you think you the only one who suffers have you seen Pepper recently ? Phil? Look at Natasha , look at us , please Thor stop or I swear no one will stop me if I punched you now” Tony shouted at him kicking the table near the bed and something fell to the ground   
“Loki’s iPod? You broke it” Steve said in blaming tone checking it when the a song played out loud   
“What is that?” Tony said holding a small book, green one with golden patterns   
“Loki’s diaries” Thor cried taking it from Tony   
“Maybe he left something in it for you” Natasha said   
“For all of us” Thor said smiling , there was a letter, his hands were trembling can’t find the courage to open it he can’t...  
“It’s okay” Natasha said to him holding his hands assuring him, Thor looked at her smiling   
“You are a good friend”   
“I know, now open it” she smiled  
Thor opened the letter smiling on seeing his brother neat handwriting, he took a deep breath and started to read...  
“Have you ever felt that your time has come? That your life as you always knew it has come to an end, silly right? But that’s what I feel right now I can sense it slipping away, my life my thoughts, everything is fading but you know what? I’m not afraid this time, at least this time I’ll leave knowing that I was loved by all of you, knowing that there is someone out there think I worth saving.  
You made me feel home, to finally can say that I belonged to somewhere, to have someone to call a friend, thank you fir making me feel alive when I only wanted to die.  
Thor,   
Why I always must be the one who causes you the greatest pain, but this time I have a chance to say goodbye, to say that I loved you more than anything in this world, you will always be my everything Thor, you are angry with me, don’t want to see me, please don’t be, I’m sorry, I need you to be away I can’t stand seeing you and think that it maybe the last time, you lived this before but I didn’t Thor, I can’t look at you in the eyes and pretend that everything is okay, how it can be okay when I know any moment now I’ll be gone forever.  
Just forgive me please and don’t forget me please cause I’ll never forget you Thor till the end of my time, remember that you once had a brother, who was fool enough to break your heart, who was naïve enough to love you, a brother who wasn’t worthy enough to have a brother like you to have friends.  
Don’t forget me, the one who wasn’t worthy enough to live but he lived anyway thanks to all of you he can say that he lived happily and died knowing that live did see him worthy.” 

“Loki” Thor whispered with tears in his eyes, then he smiled a little only loki can make him smile again and he still manages to do that even after he was gone   
“Only Loki can deal with the stubborn blonde even now” Tony said laughing nervously trying not to cry again   
“Thanks buddy” Clint whispered smiling “I’ll miss you”   
“A drink anyone?” Tony said holding a bottle and some glasses   
Thor nodded taking a glass “For Loki”   
“For Loki” they all said holding their glasses up 

“For Loki”....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the most difficult one, not only Thor who was affected by Loki's death i had a very rough time figuring how to write after him :(


	38. Hidden In The Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we are going on a haitus soon :( I'm so sorry :/   
> Till then enjoy the new chap ^^

Time passes quickly when you are surrounded by people you love , people you can call family, with them all your sorrows come to an end not because it doesn’t exist no more but because sharing it with them makes things easier, step by step you learn how to live again, you learn how to hide your broken heart behind a smile , and for the first time Thor finds himself truly understands how, he felt part of Loki was always there beside him keeping his promise, surrounding himself with Loki’s world listening to the songs he loved feeling its words always sad but beautiful just like he always was, not Tony’s choices no they found out that Loki made his own playlist.  
Like his brother, Thor grew fond of these songs but eventually he moved to more lighter songs not Loki’s dark ones though he still memorising all of them.  
But this peace can’t last for ever Hydra has risen from the ashes of Shield, cut one head and two will grow up they always said but this time not only two more grew but the whole body, Hydra was hiding inside the Shield for many years taking over all the powers and authority, it was the time when Captain America was called a traitor and Fury was killed, it was the time to fight an old enemy and to stop an old friend   
The winter soldier or as once he was called Bucky Barnes is back and Steve found hope again to bring back his old friend...A friend who just killed his boss!   
When a storm arrives you don’t expect just some rain no you prepare for the worst for the thunder to howl, so when Steve finds himself chased by Hydra with Natasha on his side he doesn’t suspect a thing ,when all the connection with the team cut down so what it happens all the time, but when he found that Thor went back to Asgard to fight an old enemy supposed not to be exist and Bruce went missing after a Hulk disaster, Tony almost get killed by his arch reactor and Clint deadly injured now Steve started to suspect a pattern here...  
“Dark elves? What the hell are the dark elves?” Steve exclaimed  
“I’ve no idea, Frigga is waiting for us in the tower, she said Thor won’t let her stay in Asgard till this is over” Natasha said punching a man in the face, they were under attack again by hydra   
“And Tony? How is he?”   
“last thing before it went black, some weird technology messed with his arch reactor leaving him almost dead” she said taking cover behind the cap’s shield   
“Shit, Bruce went back to India again, don’t know what caused him to hulk like this and Parton sure you two have your ways to contact right?” Steve said throwing a man to the wall   
“at your 9....yeah he is in the safe house just over reacting his injuries not that bad he will make it”   
“we need to end this now, enough playing, Sam you copy that? Now”  
“yah cap, already in, it’s up to you now” Sam answered   
Sam Wilson retired soldier changed his carrier to help post traumatic soldiers works in military rehab, Steve met him during his morning jogging, it wasn’t a surprise to end up friends, soon Steve told him about his old friend Bucky asking for his help to find him, so in no time Sam became responsible of his case starting to search for him.  
When things got messy, Steve found his only solution was to hide on Sam’s place, he was surprisingly okay with that as if it was finding two trembling avenger on your front door something happens everyday  
Sam lied...well he wasn’t just a soldier he was in special team, with a fancy metallic wings and a title too...Falcon   
Just the three of them against the world like Sam used to remind himself still don’t know how the hell he ended up teaming with Captain America and the black widow blowing a race erasing hellcarier jumping from a burning building seconds before it turns to dust  
“Is it over, please tell me it’s over” Sam whined holding to his seat in the jet   
“Not for us buddy, but for you keep looking for our missing person , we’re so close this time” Steve sais patting his shoulder  
“What are you going to do now?”   
“Back to Stark’s tower, finding ourselves some lost teammates, checking on others” Steve sais looking to Natasha who just nodded typing the new coordinates  
“ if you need any help just don’t call me” Sam smirked leaving   
“I will” Steve said nodding   
“Please, tell me they are back”   
“except for Thor, the team is waiting for us” Natasha said   
When they arrived the first one to see was Bruce he was heading to the medical wing when heard the jet   
“Hope you gave them a lesson” Bruce said smiling tiredly   
“Oh, we did” Steve said walking to him   
“How are you now?” Natasha asked quickly   
“Fine, still shaken but better no hulk for a long time I just came to check on them”   
“You are here because of who you are not because you’re just the Hulk, understand” Steve said firmly   
“Our silly doctor” Natasha smirked hugging him   
“Okay okay, sorry, come we have the most annoyed persons in the world whining in the same room' Bruce laughed   
“How are they?” Steve asked worried   
“They will be fine unfortunately they will still the same old Tony and Clint” he smirked   
“That’s bad” Steve smirked   
They walked to the room trying to hold their laughs as they heard Pepper yelling at them   
“Listen to me both of you, whether you finish your food or I’ll take the Wii and leave you to this boredom”   
“No, fine give it to me, are you satisfied now?” Clint whined eating his vegetables with closed eyes   
“ugh, what is that? Something is swimming in it I swear” Tony cried and his face turned almost green   
“just eat it Tony, if she took it I’ll kill you” Clint shouted then drank the whole water bottle   
“Jarvis tell me you recorded this” Bruce said leaning to the wall laughing   
“Jarvis don’t you dare” Tony yelled  
“Oh, don’t worry I got it all” Natasha said holding her phone “Smile, guys”   
“Gosh, how old are you two? Five” Steve said laughing   
“Hope you like vegetables you two, mama Frigga is serious about vegetables” Tony scoffed   
“mama Frigga” Steve said giggling   
“She stayed with them all the time before we arrive” Bruce said explaining “And immediately she started to play the mother role on them” he giggled  
“Lucky you, some has food in bed and other get thrown from a burning building” Natasha smirked looking at Steve   
“can you smell that? Someone is going to try this very soon” Clint smirked as Frigga came with pepper holding some plates   
“See, told you they would be hungry and what is better of vegetables after a battle” Frigga said to Pepper who tried not to laugh on their faces   
“Thanks ma’am it looks delicious” Steve said taking one   
“Of course he loves it” Tony scoffed rolling his eye   
“Natasha too, right Nat?” Clint grinned at her   
She took her plate mothing to Clint “I’ll kill you”   
“Huh, what was that? Didn’t hear you?”   
“Nothing, I was just saying it looks delicious too” Natasha said biting her lip  
“Another Loki here” Frigga laughed a little at Natasha reaction “He used to do the same every time, pretending to eat it”   
“Tell me about it” Pepper said smiling sadly remembering him   
“But Thor of course loved it” Tony scoffed trying to light things up   
“he used to eat for both of them” Frigga sais giggling   
“I miss the big guy, when will he return?” Steve said  
“didn’t you watch the news, they were here, something about the words parallel collapsing , what did Erik said? Yes, all the realms parallel to each other causing the opening of the passages between the realms, yesterday was like the end of the world they appear then suddenly vanish, we found a birds flock in the kitchen before they just disappear in the air, but things are quiet today I think the fight is over” Pepper said taking her breath.  
“Don’t you see that is strange, I mean the timing suddenly we all are chased by something want to kill us” Steve said   
“and these visions” Bruce muttered looking worried   
“Wait you too?” Natasha said , they all looked at each other, everyone thought the same   
“I want everyone to start talking now, what exactly happened with you” Steve said grabbing a chair   
“I’ll start” Bruce said quietly “I went back to India after an urgent call about some serious cases, when I arrived at the address I was given, I found no one there, the building was old abandoned for years, but there was this strange cold it wasn’t normal bringing fear to your heart then this whispers like people are shouting in your head but in very low voices, then there was this voice repeating some words over and over it made me very angry I couldn’t control myself anymore turning to Hulk destroying everything in front of me I was fighting invisible enemy, pouring his lies and elusions here...in my head” his voice started to break “ when I woke up of this elusions there were destruction everywhere and people running and screaming , helping the wounded ones , they looked at me in fear and horror, whatever was that he made people saw what Hulk really was...just a monster”   
“This sounds awfully familiar” Tony said quietly his face was pale   
“What did you see?” Bruce asked concerned   
“No, no I ...don’t wanna remember it again” Tony said shaking his head nervously   
“Tony, it’s okay just tell us” Pepper said softly sitting next to him   
“I was in my lap finishing some work when what exactly Bruce said happened, suddenly there was this alien monster this huge worm like monster in front of me then I saw all of you...dead, it was the end everything was destroyed and the earth was no more, I heard your screams, I tried to help you but it was over, Steve was the last one to...die, he grabbed me saying that I could have done more, that I didn’t try enough” Tony said trembling his anxiety returned again, he looked afraid and guilty but something didn’t happen but for him it was real, Pepper held him tightly calming him   
“Tony...look at me, Tony” Steve said holding his face “ It was just a bad dream okay, nothing of this happened and won’t, you know why? Because we have you by our side how many times you saved us huh, who risked his live taking the missile into a worm hole? Because of we’re here today, I would never say something like this to you because you of all is the one who will always have the last word saving us all you oaf”   
Tony was calm now relieved by Steve words he was in desperate need to hear this, and it was enough to bring the old Tony again   
“When we turned into the Asgardian brother remind me will you? Oaf” Tony smirked   
“Oh shut up, it was the right word” Steve said hitting him on the head   
“My turn then” Clint said smiling a little “no mire mind control for me, I’d my time before, I felt it when the cold started and the same scenario but nothing controlled me I was attacked, they were the one who was controlled not me, one if them managed to injure me bur hell I won at the end”   
“okay smart ass, and you Nat?” Tony asked  
“we split up, remember Steve? Then the same happened with some old memories and my past again you know it already when Sam found me unconscious and helped me” her voice was shaken   
“Come here you” Clint said quickly and Natasha sat next to him   
“Whatever you saw it was the past okay, the one in front of me now had nothing to do with the one you saw understand”   
Natasha nodded hugging him tightly   
“Easy there “Clint giggled hugging her back   
“And you cap?” Bruce asked  
“Nothing to make me worry, I saw it everyday” Steve said normally  
“Geez, a man without a past that scary” Tony scoffed  
“Well, may be you didn’t see it yet” Steve smirked   
“Now, who else? The big guy, this will be nasty” Clint said gulping   
“Oh dear, what if he saw it already, and went to do something reckless” Frigga said worried  
“and I was wondering from where did Loki get that feeling all the time” Tony smirked   
“What is thing that connects what we all saw?” Natasha asked   
“The cold, the whispers and the voice “ Tony said counting them on his hand   
“No, think”   
“We all saw our worst fears” Bruce said   
“Exactly, and what does Thor fear the most?” she said looking to Frigga  
“To be blamed of his brother’s death” Frigga gasped   
“No, Loki made his choice, Thor wouldn’t think like that, would he?” Steve said wondering if really Thor thought that   
“Is it only me, or you too feel something bad will happen very soon” Clint said worried when they heard the booming of the thunder and terrible crush sounds out side   
“Thor” Frigga said in relieved for seconds before it turns to worry she saw who arrived , it wasn’t thor who came but three men accompanying by woman   
“Sif, what are you doing here?” Frigga asked shocked   
“My queen” Sif said bowing to her so did the three men   
“We came looking for Thor, he left after the battle without saying a word, we feared something happened to you” she said   
“Sorry for coming by this way but we were worried” Fiendral said smiling   
“So, you are Sif right and you are...the three warriors?” Tony asked slightly agitated   
“It’s lady Sif for you” she said quietly glancing at him   
“We know exactly who you are, all of you, we heard a lot about you” Clint smirked  
“Like he described not even messed a thing” Tony continued   
“Boys, behave after all they are our guests” Pepper said quickly  
“Yeah, unwelcomed ones too” Tony scoffed   
“I see, what lies did the little trickster tell you” Sif grinned   
“Don’t you dare to just talk about him” Pepper shouted   
“What? Don’t tell me he played the innocent rule on you, you really fell for that? Stupid mortals he threatened your little world and you defend him”   
“Sif, don’t forget who are you talking about” Frigga said firmly   
“Sorry, my queen but we all know what did he do, he betrayed asgard and tried to kill the heir if the throne and finally tried to role a world wasn’t meant for him, he is a traitor and should be punished not defend him”   
“punished?” Tony parked at her “is this some kind of fucken sick joke”   
“What did you just called my brother’ Thor’s voice was cold full of anger he grabbed her violently   
“Leave her Thor, she doesn’t worth it” Steve said trying to let her go with the help of the warriors   
“What is wrong with you all, Thor you attack Sif for that liar sake?”   
“Damn it, will someone make them shut the hell up” Steve shouted out of breath crushed under Thor’s power, who was enraged trying to just put a hand on them   
“Didn’t you tell them?” Natasha asked Frigga shocked   
“No, only his father knew, it wasn’t the right time all the realm was preparing for the war, not a good for grieve and seeking answers” Frigga said calming Thor   
“Grieve?” Sif asked confused   
“Oh yes, didn’t you know? the man who you just called him a liar and traitor died saving all of us” Clint rasped at her but in a broken voice   
“What in helhiem you talking about?”   
“Listen you maybe Thor’s friends but for us you all just a bunch of liars and pathetic filthy soldiers” Natasha said quietly but full of hatred no one hates them more than her, why not and she is the one who spent the longest time with Loki , all these nights listening to him in his sleep remembering what they all done to him, how they treated him   
“Natasha” Thor said quietly standing in front of her, he was there too when Loki had these nightmares , they both understand this better than anyone here   
“Make them leave Thor, or forget you know me” she said firmly , Thor nodded at her holding her hand and without looking at them he said   
“You heard her, leave now”   
“But Thor” Sif said shocked   
“That’s is an order, soldier” he said coldly   
They looked at each other and left enraged by how he treated them   
“I was blinded once but no more”   
“Thor, this may sound crazy but did you see any strange nightmare or vision maybe... I don’t know” Tony asked still angry by the unexpected visitors   
“No, why ?” Thor asked frowning  
“Nothing, don’t mind me at all” Tony said looking at them worried  
“Stark, what is it?” Thor said glancing at him suspiciously  
“Guys, some help here” Tony whined   
“Don’t hurry Thor, sooner or later it will happen” Bruce said feeling the cold   
What are you two babbling about?” he shouted at them leaving the room   
“Why you acted like that” Steve asked quickly   
“Yeah, this was creepy” Clint said staring at them   
“Bruce, why you said that?” Tony asked him ignoring the others   
“You felt it too, don’t deny it...The cold” Bruce said in a shaking voice   
“And we just let him leave, wow” Tony exclaimed   
“I’m not feeling well” Bruce said weakly his eyes rolling before he fell unconscious   
“What the hell” Tony said, shapes fading around him, he watched all of them falling unconscious before he joined them too   
Blue mist surrounded them and started to take a shape....A human shape but to judge a book from its cover is just stupid.  
He walked in the dark whispering some words which soon turned to singing quietly his voice was cold like anything else about him   
He moved among them casting some kind of energy above each one of them   
“Now, where is my prize” he said looking around “Yes, of course” he smiled walking to Loki’s room where Thor was laying on the bed also unconscious   
“Here you are” he said excited “You miss you brother, oh so sad” he whispered on his ear in a pretended sad tone   
“Won’t it be nice if I let you see him again” he waved his hand above him casting some shadows in blue and green colours   
Thor gasped opening his eyes but he couldn’t see anything, it was dark around him, he stood up stretching his hand in front of him walking slowly, he felt so cold , he wasn’t in Loki’s room that’s for sure.  
“Is this what Tony was talking about? Am I dreaming?” He muttered though it doesn’t feel like a dream at all   
He walked for how long, he doesn’t know, till he saw a fire, far yet strong to be seen, it flames were red more like crimson red , seeing it gave him the silliest thought, is the fire angry? When he reached it he thought it would be bigger but it wasn’t more than camping fire, it reminded him of the one Loki used to set when they camp, he enchanted it to make it shine brighter , but it was always calm not like this one   
“Fire changed like everything else” a voice said sadly, voice Thor knew very well...voice his only wish was to hear it one more time   
Thor turned looking around everywhere, this voice ! His heart is racing not to rip his way out  
“He is dead , stop looking for him” his mind protested, but how can he? When Loki gone in the first time, he really thought he lost him for ever, he was sure that he was dead, but this time no, everything in him shouting that no he isn’t dead, no your brother us still out there lost waiting for you   
“Good to know that someone still believe I’m alive even I started to think i died”   
“Then where are you?” his voice came muffled as he was covering his face, he just asked not waiting for answer, he knows he is dreaming...Dream is the only way his brother will be still here   
“dream maybe, or a vision you know , yeah vision is much better it means that it could happens, or maybe someone is playing with your mind, I don’t know, whatever it is...good to see you again”   
He can’t see him but he felt his presence near him, his cold hand holding   
his, whispering some words to him “winter is coming , embrace it”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Winter is coming "!!   
> I know so GOT reference :D I'm a lannister though !! :V


	39. A new journey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chap :D and uhm read the note at the end

when they wake up from this strange sleep or whatever it was he really doesn’t know like someone knocked them  
Thor was the only one still unconscious and it seemed like he was taking his part now of these strange visions , they all sat there waiting him to wake up afraid of the vision affect on him 

“loki” Thor gasped opening his eyes in fear  
“Hey, take it easy buddy, whatever you saw it was just a dream not real okay” Steve said worried  
“I....I saw Loki” Thor muttered lost in his thoughts  
“Oh Thor, it was just a dream” Frigga said sadly sitting next to him  
“No, it wasn’t a dream it was real I know it was” Thor cried  
“Remember what I told you about these strange visions and that you will have one soon?” Bruce said quietly  
“You don’t get it, my vision was different than yours you all seem to be afraid by what you saw, mine wasn’t a bad one”  
“What do you mean Thor? What did you exactly see?” Bruce asked  
Thor told them what he saw not missing the slightest detail, he was excited more convinced now that Loki is still alive  
“Thor we know how desperate you want to believe that it was him and he is out there, but you must believe me this was just a dream” Natasha said  
“No, why you don’t believe me? Loki is not dead” he yelled at them  
“Thor, please stop it” Frigga cried “He is dead”  
“Come with me now” Steve said grabbing Thor’s hand and walked out of the room  
“What?” Tony yelled  
“Stay here, no one follow us”  
“Steve, please you have to believe me” Thor pleaded him  
“I do” he said quietly  
“Huh?! Why?” Thor was surprised  
“The winter is coming, don’t fight it...embrace it...That’s what he said right?”  
“Y yes , you know what does it mean?” Thor asked quickly  
“I think I do, but it must be kept just between us okay?”  
“Won’t tell the others?”  
“No, not now anyway” he said firmly  
“Fine, what does it mean then?”  
“I’ve been searching for an old friend for a while now, I once told Loki about him” Steve said hesitant  
“Why?”  
“They were the same in many ways, every time I looked at Loki I saw him”  
“An old friend? Doesn’t this mean he must be dead by now?”  
“He died in front of my eyes or that what I thought, he fell off the train then when the hydra problems started to show up again I found out he is still alive they kept him alive the same way it happened to me”  
“And that is not good right?”  
“They are controlling him they... Wipe all his mind, he doesn’t remember me anymore and now he is known by the winter soldier”  
“Oh, you mean Loki was talking about him but why? How is he related to Loki?”  
“only one of them can tell us and the fact that it is impossible to look for Loki”  
“Leave us with only option...your friend”  
“Right”  
“You know where is he don’t you?  
“Well, it’s a bit complicated I don’t know where is he but I’ve friend looking for him, we’ll leave to meet him as soon as possible”  
“And what are we going to tell the others exactly?”  
“You will see” Steve smiled at him going back to them  
“We have secrets now or what?” Tony said agitated  
“Don’t be a child Tony, we just think we may find a clue to know if this is real or not, me and Thor will follow it, you stay here both you and Clint need rest, don’t do anything stupid till we come back, understood Stark”  
“Yeah whatever” he said looking sad  
“Bruce, Tasha you both in charge now keep an eye on them please” Steve said worried  
“Oh mama Steve we’re not fucken kids” Tony yelled  
“Language boy, someone need to learn some manners” Frigga said  
“Uhm sorry” Tony muttered  
“Not enough, four of you will go back with me to asgard, it’s not safe here” she said firmly  
“What” They whined  
“Good idea, our healers will take of you, and you banner will help you control your anger we have a healer who will help you very well, and Tasha you will do fine” Thor beamed at them happily  
“We can’t just go...what if we are not welcome there, your father...” Bruce said worried  
“ you will be treated the was we treat our victorious warriors, and father will welcome you you’re my friends”  
“And Loki’s friends too” Natasha said quietly  
“Another reason for father to welcome you, to honour him in anyway possible” Thor said looking away  
“Thor” Frigga said patting his shoulder  
“Why he doesn’t admit that he misses him huh? Is there something wrong on showing how you feel about your child? Why he must act like this? Like he had never existed” Thor said enraged  
“It’s not easy to lose your child twice my dear, and you know your father always so careful about what feelings he shows” Frigga said sadly  
“He is the reason his foolish pride caused me losing my brother twice, not stopping loki in the first time and not saving him in the second, he killed Loki” Thor parked and left them  
“Uhm now everything is set, we will leave, see you soon I hope” Steve said going after Thor  
“Asgard then” Tony said gulping looking at them worried  
“Is it safe? This bifrost thing?” Clint asked  
“Yes but you should know it’s a rough teleporting especially for those who never travelled between realms before”  
“Yay” Tony said “I’ll be killed by a rainbow”  
“Don’t be silly” bruce said “when are we leaving?”  
“Now if you are ready” Frigga answered  
“Now?...um Tony I remembered I’ve some important work so have fun” Pepper said quickly  
“Nice try pepp, but still you’re coming with us” Tony grinned at her  
They watched Thor uses it many times but they never thought that one day they will use it too, to be killed by a rainbow Tony didn’t stop whining about the idea making them only more nervous about it trying to make him shut up but they knew it was just his way to not thinking about another hole in the sky he had to get through it, yes every time he sees it reminds him of the worm hole he went through risking his life ... triggering his biggest fears...to the nightmare to become true....to see them die and only him left alive.  
Pepper stood next to him holding his hand tightly grabbing him out of his thoughts, Tony looked at her smiling nervously trying to hide his fear  
“Gosh, if you weren’t only like him in this” she said quietly  
“What? Like who?” Tony asked perplexed  
“You’re giving up on yourself on us just like he did” she said in a breaking voice  
He didn’t need to ask to know who is she talking about, she still didn’t get over his death though she pretends all the time that she is fine that she understands that he had to do this but just like Natasha she is feeling betrayed, feeling hurt....the fact that she didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye or to...stop him  
“Come with me” Tony said grabbing her hand gently walking her away ignoring her protests and the wonder look on the other’s faces of his strange actions  
“Tony, stop we have to go back now or we’ll be late”  
“They will wait for us the important thing now is you” Tony said gazing at her  
“M..me ? What did i do?”  
“Did you think i can’t see it, how much you pretend to be okay, maybe the time you spent with him affected your skills of hiding your feelings but not from me pepper”  
“Tony, please it’s not the time or the place for this talk” she said looking away  
“No look at me, now is the perfect time you know why? Cause in few time we will be in asgard and you know what that means first you will meet these bunch of assholes , and sure frigga will show us his room and you will find yourself surrounded by hundreds of things reminding you of him so hell yeah this is the best time to talk” he said nervously  
“Well yea I am afraid of going there actually I’m freaking out right now, be there around people I only know them from his nightmares of his bleeding every night to leave him alone and not to hurt him of course I don’t wanna be near these monsters” Pepper cried trembling  
“Oh pepper, why you kept all of this inside you? You and him ...why both of you didn’t say anything about it?” Tony muttered holding her  
“What did you wanna me to say huh? That only mentioning asgard was enough to make him crack... That even when he started to talk he would only say anything when someone ask him to or when he wanted anything i knew he had to think thousands of times before he could ask for it, when I asked him how he was treated back there he didn’t say a word just look at me smiling sadly, but i knew the answer, two years of being tortured by these chitauries weren’t big deal for him, yeah physically he was hurt badly but mentally was the real torture back there you heard what Thor said maybe just part of it, how he was treated always feeling unworthy, always feeling so small so low” she started to sob loudly  
“Pepper” Tony said worried looking at something behind her, it was frigga standing there and the others, she was crying quietly listening to her words  
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to...” Pepper startled  
“No you are right, for Loki asgard was never his home, I always felt that, I did my best to make him feel the opposite but I failed, in front of us they all treated him with respect even when he came to me when he was just a kid crying that they called him weak and fight like girls I... I told him that they are just playing with him trying to make him angry that’s all and the more the years passed the more their tries to what I called anger him continued till he jut gave up on us and kept it for himself swallowing his pride not letting anyone see through him”  
“And you all thought that he was happy and that no one was bickering over him right?” Bruce said little agitated  
“Yes because they weren’t kids anymore they are warriors strong one too, say that you were in his place a warrior a prince of the realm and the ones so called your friends in front of everyone treat you with disrespect will you go and whine to your parents about it like a little child or will you keep it for yourself planning to pay back though it will hurt you and break your heart yet you don’t give them the chance to see your weakness to see that their insult have any affection on you, some people are so proud that they don’t even try to change what people think about them even if t was all wrong, that was my Loki “  
“Think i end up with he wrong brother” Jane smirked and they all turned to her surprised by her presence “sorry, i didn’t want to interrupt you” she said smiling  
“Jesus, no I think you end up with the one who suites you, none of you bother to knock before giving me heart attack” Tony said taking his breath  
“Yeah I think so” she giggled  
“Where are we going?” Darcy yelled excited  
“Why you bring her with you, she will drive everyone insane” Tony whined  
“Hey, I go wherever she goes” Darcy gazed at Tony angrily  
“Okay okay”  
“Oh but what are you doing here?” natasha asked  
“Thor told us to come, don’t know why but he was talking about pay back or something like that”  
“Oh, my bad boy this will be a chaos” Frigga laughed  
“wait a second, they are coming with us to Asgard” Tony yelled  
“You said where?” Darcy shrugged  
“Pay back huh?” Bruce thought for a while “Don’t tell me this lady Sif has a thing for Thor”  
“And who is this sif?” Jane asked coldly  
“Oh shit” Bruce whined covering his face  
“I’ll kill him” Tony muttered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We reach the end of the line unfortunately this was the last chapter i wrote in this part so i dunno when I'll be back but the good news i already started the new part and it's full with new ideas and a lot of memories ,sort of Loki's flash backs told by thor during his journey with steve they will get to know each other more and so will do the others on their stay in asgard with all people hating on loki it will be tough and how will lady sif and the warriors react to them and of course our favorite winter soldier is coming back  
> So we're on a long hiatus I'm so sorry i won't give up to this block i swear  
> Till then I'll miss you all especially my sweet GaVinci ❤


	40. Not Chapter

Hey guys I miss you so much , i didn't forget about the story i promise in fact I'm happy to tell you that the block is over and I've already started to write again, two chapters till now but i figured how things will go and the reason why Thanos is doing all of this and wait for it, new characters are coming some you already know and two new characters , vital ones too I'm soo excited guys.  
I made a video just a simple audio one , but the words made me cry  
Hope you like it ❤  
https://youtu.be/YbKiLUdXHTk


	41. Addicted to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes a new chapter at last :D gosh, i missed this so much  
> But :(  
> Well i wasn't going to put any new chap till at least i finish a good part of the story but what you know , college won't just finish itself or become easy :(  
> So this here is all what i wrote till now that can be published the rest just scrappers of so many many ideas hope that they make a good story when i get back to write , soon i hope  
> So enjoy ❤

It is not everyday you got a chance to have a calm Thor he would be glad with that if the situation was different but now he would even beg him to say anything he wants, for some certain reasons Thor calmness would always be the one you get before a deadly storm.  
“Thor” Steve said quietly but he didn’t get an answer  
“Hey buddy I’m not used to this” steve said putting a hand on his shoulder  
“Huh?...I’m sorry my friend it’s just hard thinking if he is alive or not” Thor said sighing  
“have some hope”  
“Hope can be dangerous my friend it can drive man insane , a false hope gosh it will be the end of me”  
“What? No you mustn’t think like that even if it was just an illusion you still have us have your family have jaine”  
“But..” Thor said looking at him and Steve can see it in his eyes, the fear of facing this alone, he knows what loki means to him  
“I know Thor, what was Loki to you but he is counting on you now to never give up on him being alive so hold on to this idea with all your powers who knows maybe your faith makes it true”  
“I still remember the first time I saw him “ Thor said laughing with teary eyes  
“oh yeah?” Steve asked trying to make him think of another thing for a while just to forget all what they are going to face just for a while  
“I was four, when mother asked for me she was sitting on her bed holding him on her arms she told me to come closer and say hello to my new brother, he was so little staring to my face with his big green eyes when i hold his hand he smiled to me from this moment I knew he was my responsibility don’t know how i was too young to understand this but i did so did mother she knew that too”  
“How was he? I mean as a child , how was your father treating him ?” Steve asked, he really wants to know everything about Loki, what can make anyone like that? The kid is still a mystery for him  
“I don’t know how they kept it a secret but only them and hiemdal knew the truth about him for me and all the kingdom Loki was their youngest son who was born during the war (Child of war) i heard father once calling him that to mother , something about him was different”  
“How is that?”  
“babies cry all the time right? Loki didn’t even for once , mother was always worried about him and his strange silence, he got ill a lot the healer said he was so weak and that he might doesn’t make it till the morning, I remember this day mother stayed by his side all the night listening to his ragged breath and life leaving his small body, she prayed all the night to the gods to save him and she will love this motherless child as hers from all her heart, she told me that after his death when he fell, when father brought him home she didn’t love him at first or go near him ignoring that he exists till he fell sick the healer came to her carrying the news she went to see him and just one look at his eyes and she felt her heart longing to him as if he was her real child and he became her child that she loved him even more than me I guess”  
“His eyes full with love and warmth also sadness and grieve” Steve said remembering how Loki used to look at them with eyes full of fear at first, he can’t forget how this look broke his heart  
“Yeah, his eyes was like a mirror reflects his soul and his feelings , he must have got them from his mother ,laufey's eyes were only dark and cold “ Thor said wondering  
“His mother? Oh I didn’t think about that, who was she? “  
“No one knows but she wasn’t a frost giant”  
“whoa what?”  
“laufey was married to Fárauti she was a jutin too and they had children none of them was like him”  
“Oh that’s why you think she wasn’t a jutin, you think she maybe one of yours?”  
“From asgard? Maybe or one of yours too”  
‘A human ?!” Steve said in shock  
“Yeah we are alike so both possibility is high, one day we will know the truth and if loki was still alive I’ll protect him from the truth whatever it was and from his other brothers too “  
“Brothers? Oh man they hate him too, why!?”  
“He killed their father and the king , what do you think they will do if they found out he is still alive?”  
“Can his life be any more difficult, this just doesn’t make any sense”  
“All his life doesn’t make any sense, loki himself doesn’t make any sense” Thor said sighing 

Back on asgard Hiemdal was waiting for the guests grinning about one’s particular reaction he kept screaming even before he teleported them to here  
“Welcome home my queen” he said nodding  
Frigga smilled to him nodding and turned to them “Hope your journey wasn’t that bad, was it stark?” she asked looking at him smiling at how he looked  
“No, not at all just glad I didn’t have my breakfast” Tony said leaning to pepper who was patting him gently  
“Uhm may I ask who is he?” Darcy said looking to hiemdal  
“This is heimdal, the gate keeper, protector of the realm and it’s most loyal man”  
“Well then there’s something he needs to know about us first” pepper said looking worried  
“You’re Loki’s friends, I know everything about his stay in midgard and about all of you miss pots” Hiemdal said smiling  
“But I...” she said in surprise looking to the others  
“I forgot to tell you he has the ability to see everything happens in the nine realms” Frigga said laughing quietly  
“Oh wow” Tony said astonished  
“Now come it’ll be a long day” Frigga said sighing and they followed feeling a little worried well at least they were try to hide it  
They walked passing through a large square but it was empty so was the garden they saw from far so they presumed it belongs to the royal family only and when they saw where Thor and Loki lived they were sure of this idea, the palace was so huge shining with it’s golden colours sorrounded by large green spaces and guards everywhere , they are the royal family and they are very rich even more than stark who for the first time in his life find himself fascinated of how big this place was  
“If I lived in a place like that believe me I’d be insane for just thinking of leaving it” Clint said whistling and they all nodded agreeing with him  
“And then who said they weren’t” Bruce said smirking  
“maybe Thor yes, he didn’t love spending all his time here in fact he spent most of his time traveling and going to hunt with his friends” Frigga said  
“let me guess, Loki was here all the time reading in the library right?” pepper said smiling sadly  
“The young prince used to spend most of his time reading yes but also playing his tricks on us too” Hiemdal said  
“He was nasty little boy quiet but mischievous” frigga agreed with him smiling  
“We only knew the quiet one barely smiles” pipper sighed sadly  
“That’s not true, with you he had the best days of his life believe me i know” Hiemdal said wirly  
“You’re not like the others are you?” Tony asked  
“I've watched over him since he was a child, it was my responsibility and i know the whole teuth before everyone else”  
“And you kept it secret all this time too?” bruce asked little agitated  
“if you had a chance to give a motherless child born to a cruel blood lust father a normal life with people who care for him wouldn’t you do anything to keep him safe and happy away of this horrible truth” he said quietly  
“Well it didn’t seem to be happy though, you can see everything in the nine relems right? So why didn’t you see how much he suffered?” Pepper said enraged  
“You really love him don’t you?” Hiemdal said smiling “Loki was different I’m sure you know that by now, his pride was always there stopping anyone trying to help him but after all you only met him at his weakest, brken self otherwise he would never let anyone of you even Thor treat him like that”  
“Like what?” Tony asked perplexed  
“Like he is some child who needs help all the time not trusting him to do anything by himself always worrying about him rushing to help him everytime” He said looking at them  
“He is not here anymore , we don’t need to hear this to know that we failed” Pepper said running away  
“Good job” Tony scolded him going after her while the others were lost in their own thoughts  
She didn’t need some starnger to remind her that she had failed him nor she needs to be here at all , the only thing she wanted right now is to go far away from everyone and everything to be left alone for a while so when she heard Tony callong for her, she didn’t stop running searching for a place where she could be alone , running not looking back till she just stopped staring at a closed room something in it was calling her to come in , something lost  
The only thing she remembers was entering the room closing the door behind her so no one can interrupt her, the room was so familiar like she was here before the green colour around her covering most of the room gave her that feeling and for the first time in a long time she slept deeply and peacefully after all she was home.  
Tony didn’t follow her he knew she needs some time alone so he went back to their friends looking annoyed  
“Don't worry about her, she is in the only place she wants to be in right now” Hiemdal said reassuring them  
“She found his room then” Bruce said smiling a little  
“Yes she did and his bed too” Heimdal smirked  
“She slept that fast?” Tony asked surprised  
“Just like a child” he answered smiling  
“I can use that” Darcy said yawning  
“Actually all of us do” bruce said looking tired  
“Follow me then, I’ll show you your rooms  
“Shouldn’t we see uh the king?” Tony asked  
“He isn’t here, the dark elves and destroying of the bifrost all of this left the relems in great chaos” Frigga sighed  
“Thank god, I mean bad luck” Tony startled  
“Come smartass save your sass” Clint smirked pushing him to the room  
“Okay gosh you’re so pickering” Tony whined crashing on the nearest chair  
“Someone is in desperate need of rest” Natasha smiled messing with his hair  
“So much I can sleep a year” he said holing her closer leaning his head on her  
“Good luck with” Clint smirked taking off his shoes  
“Hey where the hell you think you’re going” Tony yelled  
“Dude, we’re staying together” clint said rolling his eyes  
“No we’re not” Tony said looking at the others for help  
“Oh, yes we’re” Bruce smirked batting his shoulder  
“This is the boys room, you know the team always stick together” Natasha said trying not to laugh  
“Come girls, your room is at the end of the hall” Frigga said smiling “ Have some rest boys you don’t want to come to the royal dinner looking like that do you, my dear husband my be there”  
“Great now I know where did loki get his attitude” Tony whined  
“From me of course who else did you think of” She smirked  
“Gosh” Tony said face palming himself  
“Welcome home my boy” Clint smirked messing with Tony’s hair  
“Home sweet home, yay”  
“This will be a long night” Bruce said sighing  
“Cheer up brucie boy, you agreed on that after all” Tony smirked crushing on the nearest bed “Umm, do not wake me ever”  
“Good night asgard” Clint said falling asleep  
“Well, I think some sleep won’t be bad at all, good night guys”  
“yeah, yeah now all of you shut up and someone turn off this bloody lights” Tony mumbled  
“  
“Hey Thor, i don’t know about you but I’ve been driving the whole day and i wanna have some rest and you can’t drive, so..there is a motel near by the way” Steve said yawning  
“I think we can call it till the sun rises” Thor said smiling tirdly  
Steve knew he wasn’t okay with thousands thoughts shouting in his head can’t have the strength to fight it alone, Steve knew this would be a long night  
When they arrived at the motel steve check them in and then went to get some food leaving thor alone but was he !?  
For some reasons Thor felt it again like the fisrt night he spent after Loki’s fall, That night he kept awake all the night sure that his brother survived it and he will find him in the morning fighting with father again but when the morning came the only thing he found was the silence and the grieve and Asgard that was once shiny and full of joy turnrd to be dark and hateful like today

“Thor” steve called him worried of his strange silent and staring to nothing , Steve didn’t know what to do with this grumpy blonde so he decided to play it low , he started to prepare the food and brought some cold soda cans giving one to Thor who flinched from the surprise he didn’t even notice that steve was here.  
“Sorry, but you seemed shut off” Steve muttered  
“I don’t know Steve, I should be at least joyful that he might be still alive but I’m not” Thor sighed covering his face  
“But why!?” Steve wondered setting next to him  
“I lived this before feeling that false hope, this night reminds me of another night, a dark one “  
“The night he fell” Steve said knowing not asking  
“Y..yes, that night i kept the hope that I’ll find in the morning waiting for me to fight to shout to do anything but to be here was everything to me but he wasn’t”  
“I lived this too” Steve muttered  
“You did?” Thor asked surprised  
“You remember that i told you that bucky was the same as loki”  
“That he fell too?!”  
“No, this is another story to tell, this one is about hope, the war was at its peek and bucky with his team signed for a dangerous mission and all the connections were cut with them I...I received a message that they failed and maybe dead, at this time I wasn’t the man i'm today , i never get in a fight but everyone has their time right?,I went alone armed with one thing just my hope that he is still alive and there he was injured bruesed barely breathing but he was alive and this what only matters”  
Thor didn’t say a word he just nodded at him smiling with eyes fighting to cry  
“I know everything i say won’t change how you feel and that to have hope again is a dangerous thing if it turned to be just a lie “  
“Steve I’m sorry I know all of you are suffering with me but”  
“But you as stubborn as your brother especially when it comes to what you feel even the end of the world won’t change it, We know that buddy and we don’t care cause all of us lived this before and will live it again it’s how we know that we care the grieve the denial the struggle for a new hope a new chance to make things right, Miracles don’t happen anymore they say but it does happen the only difference is that we are the ones who make it happen not waiting for them but if you pray for the rain you have to deal with the mud” Steve said pushing on his hand reassuring him  
“For a thunderer and a big brotger I’m dealing with a lot of mud already” Thor smirked  
“We not just you, keep that in mind you’re an avenger part of our team , my right hand and both of you are family to us to me , thor he isn’t your only brother and you’re not the only big brother believe it or not I’m the big brother here” Steve said laughing  
“ You will regret that believe me , being a big brother is just....” Thor whined not knowing the right word to describe it  
“Such a pain in the ass, yeah I know” Steve smirked “Mama steve remember” Steve said laughing  
“Stark and his strange names” Thor laughed eyes shining with tears  
“Yes and we’re going to find ourselves a lost reindeer games” Steve said smiling  
“Yeah capsicle” Thor laughed  
“Fine point break that’s enough” Steve said grapping him to the table so they can finally have some proper food  
“Thanks Steve” Thor said quietly  
“For what buddy, i did nothing”  
“You did a lot and still, back then after Loki’s fall, they all tried to make me come over it and let him go moving on, but they all failed everything they did was meaningless for me, I lost the desire to live any more”  
“Like there is this big dark hole in your heart that even thousand star won’t make it any brighter or fill this void in your heart”  
“Yes ! Steve you really know that feeling don’t you? You know I keep whining about my loss forgetting that you too suffered the same yet you do all what you can to make things better and make me smile again, not thinking for once about how you feel” Thor said hurt  
“Hey it’s okay buddy don’t bother yourself, it has been a long time”  
“No it’s not okay Steve even after a hundred year it will always be the same believe me it will always hurt I know, hurts that you won’t see them again, hurts that you won’t talk to them again , fight with them, laugh with them, telling them your silly secrets and dreams , it hurts that we can’t let them go , it hurts that we live in world so starnge for us and it hurts more when we have to live in this strange world without them by our side always guiding us home offering a shoulder to lean on when we are tired of this shitty world, so don’t tell me it’s okay cause it’s not , it will never be okay and it will always hurt” Thor yelled his voice breaking crying  
“Don’t you think i feel like this all the time?” Steve cried “ that not a day passes without me wishing they were here alive, that i could tell peggy that I loved her and only loved her , to tell bucky that he will always be my friend my brother and the only person i can give my life for, so don’t tell me how much it hurts cause I know it very well, but I’ve to move on, to keep up living, keep up smiling hoping, you know why ? Because if they were here they would kick my ass if I kept whining all the time about how much i miss them and guess what, I don’t, cause I have people here to look after I have friends who I’m willing to give my life to, I have you, all of you calling me their friend calling me their family so yeah I won’t miss them cause they are here with me living in each on of you cause you’re my family you stupid blonde” Steve said smiling with tears rolling on his face  
“I guess Loki was right about you” Thor said smiling hugging him  
“Why? What did he said?!” Steve asked drinking some water to calm him down  
“On day we had a fight, you were all asleep, he didn’t want me to help him or talk to me like he used to do, I was angry and desperate so I told him that I’m the only one here who would care about him and none of you will care about what happens to him” Thor said quietly looking down  
“You did what?” Steve said stepping away hurt  
“I was angry okay, I didn’t mean it that way, but don’t worry he didn’t believe me at least when it comes to you, he said that he believe that about anyone even me but not you,that you won’t leave him and you will always be there for him and that you will always be the one who cares about him “ Thor said feeling little jealous  
“Of course I will” Steve said beaming “I’m his big brother after all” he grinned at thor who stared at him preplexing  
“Excuse me I am his big brother” Thor yelled  
“Yeah for loki but for me i'm the big brother for you both” Steve smirkd  
“That makes sense i guess” Thor said smiling “Big brother huh I love the sound of it already” he beamed crushing Steve in a hug  
“Oh gosh”Steve whined feeling his bones crushing by thor's hug 

Back on asgard someone was watching them smiling of how far they reached in their relationship all of them, thinking of the ones who still didn’t meet before, the only ones who need to know each other cause they are what it’s only left from her, of all her beauty and soul they are the only memory of her now and he has a promise to keep, to bring up two worlds together as they both for his admiration are the faces of the same coin with all their differences they are the same and they need each other more than ever  
“Aren’t you going to end this mischievous game already”  
“He really loves him doesn’t he? They all do, but it’s only me who he should love only me”  
“that’s foolishness you can’t have him for yourself stealing him from everyone cares about him, that’s selfish my dear”  
“But with them he will never see me or even notice me and I can’t bear the idea of living without him, he is the only person left for me in this world, you know this very well”  
“That’s not right my dear, don’t you remember who found out about you in the first place after all these years, we thought you were dead with your mother but here you are alive and looks exactly like her though I only see him in your eyes even if it was her eyes you have but these eyes will always remind me of him”  
“Really, he looks like me that much?” she said happily sighing” I didn’t have the chance to see him well, I miss her so much, I don’t wanna be alone anymore please it has been a long time since she passed away”  
“I know, I felt it when she died that’s why we thought you too didn’t make it, but you know what I’m sure he will love you, his heart won’t find a place in it for hating you, he just needs to look in your eyes to know everything , he would be so eager to know everything especially about her and this is your job to tell him all the truth, this time no more secrets no more lies”  
“And what about your king? He won’t accept that”  
“leave this to me my dear, i have my ways you just keep him safe and think again it’s time to let all the hatred and anger go away and accept them as his family like you are his family too, and what family means my little lady ? They care for each other accept them like they are not trying to change them for what suits us better”  
“I will, I promise, he is my only family”  
“Just him?”  
“No, of course not, you too the only family I have, you were always there for me since the day you found out about me , always caring about me, for that i will always be grateful for having such a gareat uncle, thank you” 

Though she was tired she couldn’t sleep that night at all, maybe because she is standing under a new magical sky seeing her dream of finding new worlds and prove her theory right finally comes true, how could she sleep leaving all this beauty behind? She envied Thor for living in such place like a drawing from a fairy tale book and she couldn’t stop wondering how could someone hates to live here ? But not everything is about the place but the people right? Paradise will be hell if you lived with people doing their best to make you hate your life and from what she heard and Thor told her this paradise was Loki’s hell , she sighed going back to their room, hoping that she never have too see Loki's Asgard


	42. Untold Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am back but not exactly :/ see this year is so different , i barely have some time for myself , it's luke hell so many lectures and The Exams my god :(  
> So every time i write something however short it is I'll post it like this one , it will be just flash backs or short stories told by different members till i figure out the best way to include the new characters and bring my Loki back again , so I'm so so sorry and please bare me  
> I love you guys and i missed this so much ❤

Today is a new day they all agreed on that even if no one said a word but like always they think the same  
Thor on letting everything behind, thinking only on finding this winter soldier but now he has more motives to find him not only a way to find his brother but also to bring an old friend back home if anyone needs someone to relate to it will always be Steve...  
Time can not erase what happened to any of us , it may heal our wounds but the scars will be there a reminder so we never make the same mistake again , but not all of us learn that way some need to pay the lesson more and more before they are hit with the truth and for the three warriors and also lady Sif it was time for one more last lesson  
Odin won’t be here for more couple days , this was a relieve for all the team especially Tony who couldn’t hide it costing him few painful nudges from bruce but on seeing the four no one stopped him from babbling around annoyed by their presence , first it was one sided then the feeling became mutual evey team avoiding being in the same place with the other, the asgardian team really didn’t have a clue why these mortals are hating on them, they were the first and they will make them the last , so much ego or it was denial !?  
They have been here only for one day but the problems started already, pepper was still in Loki’s room when she heard their voices she could recognise Natasha voice shouting at someone with so much anger and hatred, strange! Tasha was the quite type even in the most stressful times she always manages to keep herself calm and it always made pepper slightly afraid of her as Tony once said she could kill a man without even showing the slightest emotion, but now something is changed ,she failed..  
She couldn’t keep her word , keeping him safe was something whe was willing to keep, how she treated him was a surprise for everyone at the beginning , the cold hearted natasha caring for someone and actually showing emotions exposing her feelings no one can believe that, and Loki in particular! Why him!? Pepper thought remembering her talk with her weeks ago though it feels like it has been ages since this day :  
“Look at him pepp, do you think he belongs to this place , to all these people, to Thor?! I look at him and see everything we are not, don’t get it in a bad way, but he really won’t fit to any place he never did and will...” Natasha said without looking to her, they were sitting next to Loki’s bed, he was in comma again just short after his first awakens , like a child he looked they both thought  
“Unless..!?” Pepper said offering her some coffee  
“Unless we help him fit , make him realises what he has someone caring for him, not just because he is loki the younger prince”  
“You mean their mother right? But from what thor said she really loved him so did Thor”  
“But no one else, you got me? Only his mother and brother showing him that they care, but that what we expect from our families right? And sometimes we think it’s out of duty or just because we’re are related we should be like that”  
“But to love someone...it has nothing to do with being related people love because they just do not out of duty “  
“And who to tell this sily boy that huh? He thinks of himself as some kind freak a monster that no one will ever love , I don’t know why he is thinking that way but what I know is that you won’t feel that unless someone gives you reason to” Tasha said sighing  
“Why!!” Pepper said suddenly  
“Ask Thor not me”  
“No, I mean why him!?”  
“why not!?  
“Tasha, I really have no clue what are you talking about” Pepper whined  
“I was just like him believing that no one loves me , that i do not count, just a weapon , till i met Clint he showed me another world , a world i never thought i'd be part of it and for the first time in my life i feel that I’m needed that I’m wanted by someone for just who I am not for being the black widow , Loki right now feels the same knowing that his family doesn’t care if he lived or died that the only reason he is alive now because some maniac saw him as a perfect weapon and what he really worth is being a monster” Natasha said starring at him with eyes brightened from tears  
Pepper smiled to this memory , However how much they all said they care for him none of them will care as much as Tasha does...  
She opened the door expecting to find Natasha over someone shocking him to death but this didn’t happen though she would like to see her taking on these idiots , Natasha was blocked by both Clint and Bruce while Tony was standing there breathing slowly , he was counting to control his anger she concluded , she stood next to him and hold his hand calming him down, he opened his eyes looking at her surprised and she just smiled at him so he smiled back and calmed down a little  
“Ummm what is going on may I ask!?” she said perplexed  
“This morning they pass by us and we heard them talking about Loki and that they don’t believe how stupid one can be to believe that Loki was controlled by someone and the fact that he sacrificed his life to save ours is just a hilarious joke...and you can figure out what happened next” Tony said agitated  
“Really? A hilarious joke huh?” she said and her face turned red from anger “Hey guys have you lost your mind , that is not how we treat the others”  
They all looked at her with unbelief of what she just said  
“What exactly do you mean?”Tony asked her shocked  
“I mean why the hell are you holding Tasha up!” she shouted at them  
“That is what i was talking about bot no one is listening to me “ Natasha hissed looking at both Clint and Bruce who stepped aside they know very well not to stand in Natasha’s way when she is that angry  
“One word: Run” Clint whispered to the warriors who in fact looked threatened by the look on her face and walked away  
“This is not over you hear me “ Tony yelled at them


	43. Who was he !?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys missed you so much ❤ just another short chap :( still having final exams ! but i hope you enjoy it ❤

“He remembered you” Sam said once he saw Steve , he didn’t think how much will this mean to him or how would this affect him  
Steve froze in his place repeating what he just heard , bucky remembered me ,his mind was in deep conflict does this mean he is back or it was just a slip , an error they will fix that at once so he won’t remember him again , and if he is really back does this mean he will come back to him again , does this mean he got his second chance at last to live up to his past , to his life again , that he will finally feels that he belongs to somewhere or someone that will understand how he really feels , someone knows the life as he used to know, so many hope so many dreams , and now he really understands what did Thor mean when he said hope is a dangerous thing, he was right it’s not only dangerous but it can destroy your whole life in a second if this hope turns to be just a daydream you wish that it will one day become true  
“Steve, where did you go?” Sam wondered  
“Huh, nothing i was just thinking “ Steve said shaking all the ideas from his head  
“Now you knew what I meant before” Thor said quietly staring at him  
“Yeah buddy and you are absolutely right it’s dangerous too dangerous” Steve admitted  
“Hi, wow, Thor, right , I’m Sam” He said staring at Thor with eyes wide open  
“ The Falcon, I heard everything about you on the way , Steve told me everything about your bravery and your willing to help us” Thor beamed crushing him in a hug  
“Oh, he did?” Sam said before he started to cough trying to take his breath and continue “ Of course I’ll help you guys , you’re The Avengers, how can I refuse”  
“Now, guys focus, Sam you said he remembered me? How did you know? Have you met him “ Steve said  
“No, I tracked one of hydra agents i know he was on the team working on the winter soldier programme, and he was so kind to tell me everything and how that they had to wipe all his memories again cause after the last mission, the one we met him on it, he kept saying after it that this guy knew him and eventually he started to remember you Steve , screaming that he knows you and that somehow he was returning to his old self again, they feared the consequences so they wiped all his memories but still they still afraid they would lose control on him again “  
On hearing this Steve’s face turned to red , so many thoughts came into his mind at this moment ,so many mixed feelings : anger, hatred, sadness and hope ! Hope that one day he will have bucky back in his life again and for this to happen he needs to focus on the mission putting all his feelings aside  
Thor knew exactly what was going on in his friend's mind, how wouldn’t he and he lived the same moment before with...Loki  
Oh how much he needs to just hear his voice once again , just one more time even if it was a bloody illusion , just one miracle for him to be not dead  
“Thor, he is alive” Steve said quietly grabbing Thor out of his thoughts  
“How...How did you know i was...?” Thor asked perplexed  
“Cause i feel the same and think the same , and i have two people not just one”  
“Who would even thought this would be true !? “ Thor said laughing nervously  
“What are you two talking about i don’t understand a word!?” Sam shouted at them  
“Nothing buddy let’s just focus on the case, shall we” Steve said smiling sadly  
“Alright then ,hope you brought some heavy clothes with you cause our destination is Moscow”  
“Oh boy” Steve whispered afraid of what will happen next and the moment he meets....Him !!  
Back on asgard things have been quite peaceful with slow rhythm , Tasha and clint found a good company in the asgardian warriors practising with them most of the time , Banner was taken by their culture , sciences, spiritual practices especially the ones about controlling your anger and help increase your concentration , Jane also but with another type of science; astrology  
As for tony it was like an open holiday so he spent most of his time sleeping, taking long walks and drinking always babbling about how their drinks are the best thing he ever had in his life  
Pepper ! Like always on the library or taking long walks with Tony listening to whatever he was talking about though she never really listened to what he sais, enjoying the beauty of the nature , or in Loki’s room going through his books , sketches and life !  
As for the three warriors and lady Sif they pretend they don’t care about all of this but deep inside they all were wondering the same thing , why him? What did these strangers saw on him they didn’t see? Why they grieve him that much? Why Loki!? .  
Sif was the one who took the first step she waited for the right time to talk to the only person who can gave her the answers she wants , she waited for her to be alone and when the moment came she made her move  
“I have some questions for you midgardian” she said approaching pepper  
“First the name is pepper, second why should i tell you anything!?” Pepper said coldly  
“listen,pepper, i just want to know something that it” Sif said agitated  
“Alright I’m listening , what do you want to know?” pepper said feeling curious  
“Who was Loki?  
“What!...Are you high or something!?”  
“Just answer me, who was loki according to you people !?”  
Pepper stared at her for a second, she is really asking her about loki ? But pepper knew what she means by this question...  
“A friend to some, brother to some, younger self to some and loved by all “ she said smiling at her  
“Why!? What did all of you see in him we didn’t!?” Sif shouted can’t understand  
“Who was loki!?” Pepper asked her suddenly  
“He was a liar, cunning, evil, he always did his best to destroy us , he hated all of us whatever we did to him”  
“You talk and all i see in my head is a picture of a pale sweet face smiling from his heart with his emerald eyes shine with tears like always, you talk and I all I can see is the kid we used to sing to him to sleep, or stay with him all night so he won’t wake up in the middle of the night afraid screaming, you talk and all I hear is his crying begging you all to stop, to just leave him alone, you know how many night I had to stay awake by his bed listening to his sobs and mumbling about all of you.  
What did he ever do to you ? Only wanted to be one of you guys but you mocked him cause of his magic , you laughed at him , calling him names , calling him weak , so he just stopped , stopped talking to you, stopped trying to be one of you burring himself in his books and study , so don’t you dare say he was evil or liar cause these eyes, these sweet innocent eyes only knew how to love when he lived with us , you know why?! Cause we accepted him with all his problems with all his broken self , we accepted him like he was not like what we want him to be , we accepted his difference , we loved that he was different, and what you know ! He was the same like every and each one of us,we loved the way he talked even if it was by signing, oh yes he didn’t talk for weeks afraid , we loved his smile , did anyone of you tried to make him smile or laugh? Gosh his smile was the sweetest thing and his laugh just like a child , how would his face turns red when someone say something nice to him, how he beamed with happiness when someone compliment him ....You all just hated him because he was different than all of you , we have a very bad saying back home, people tend to mock what they don’t understand and sometimes hate in your case” pepper said not realising the tears rolling on her face walking away leaving Sif with millions thoughts but only one question:  
“ who was Loki!?” and for the first time she really doesn’t know the answer


	44. Finding Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys ! I really don't know what's the matter ! Either it's my exam or being sick ! Can't just have a normal week! Anyway hope you like the new chap , love ya !

After two tiring cold days they finally reached the destined location only to come up with the another surprise   
“It’s a trap !! How can we be so stupid like that? Of course it’s a trap” Steve shouted in anger   
“For god sake just calm down you will get us caught” Sam said shutting the angry blonde down   
“Listen to me carefully we are outnumbered so we need a plan and we need it now” Thor said firmly  
“Hey look ! Isn’t that...? Holly shit it’s him it’s really him “ Sam shouted at them staring at Bucky!   
It was a trap but not for them, it was bucky they were after not them !   
Steve stood holding his shield looking at his friends “We have one plan ...Attack” Steve said walking to the fight   
“And i though stark was the crazy one” Thor sighed joining him and Sam followed them   
Soon the four of them were the only ones left standing, it wasn’t that hard to get rid of them really...  
Bucky was preparing to fight them when he heard this familiar voice calling him   
“Bucky please we mean no harm to you we just want to help you “ Steve said raising both of his hands showing that he doesn’t carry any weapon   
“Bucky? Who the hell is buck? He said feeling confused no one called him by any name before   
“ You are bucky , your name is James Buchanan Barnes , bucky for short , and you are my friend we served in military together and we’re the only two left , you’re bucky barnes my only friend and the who promised to be on my side to the end of the line “ Steve said in broken voice and tears shining in his eyes   
“Bucky? Friend? I don’t remember anything of what you saying” Bucky shouted realising he doesn’t remember anything at all ! “I don’t know who am i ? I... I don’t remember “ he shouted in panic his head hurts so much and everything is blurry   
“Hey Bucky calm down just calm down I’m here now alright , i will help you remember i promise” Steve said approaching him   
“Stay away from me , I don’t know you ...you just like them want to kill me or use me to kill , I had enough of being a weapon controlled by anyone , just leave me alone “ Bucky shouted stepping back   
“No, please just listen to me , you’re my only hope , I don’t say that I understand what you have been put through but i know someone do , and he is counting on you to save him , I don’t know how exactly but all i know is that you are my only hope to get him back ,just listen to what we have got to say please “ Thor pleaded him stay   
“Don’t you remember me bucky ? We grew up together back in Brooklyn “   
“Last hope ? Brooklyn?.... Stop it just answer one question what do you want of me ? Bucky said looking tired   
“Nothing we just wanna help you that’s all” Steve cried   
“Help me to what exactly? Become a weapon or a soldier again ! “   
“To remember who you are to remember me , to remember Peggy , I just want my friend back that’s it”   
Bucky was starting to feel dizzy and weak , he had been hiding here for so many days he lost count he is weak and cold and tired of fighting back so he just gave up letting his body collapse whatever happens next he really doesn’t care anymore and everything went dark   
Steve ran towards him catching him before he fell to the ground   
“His body is so cold how long has he been hiding in this place and I don’t really think he ate anything for a while either , come lets go home where we can take care of him” Steve said carrying Bucky , they both followed him without any questions   
“He really reminds me of you “ Thor thought , they’re alike in many things and he doesn’t only mean Loki and Bucky but also himself and Steve , in somehow their passes are joined ! 

“May i ask for how long more should this continue? You’re not helping him by keeping him away of them “   
“ Who said anything about helping ? He need to forget them all , he needs me and only me “   
“My patience is wearing thin, and none of us want this to happen , do we? “   
“So you can leave no one is making you stay, i waited so long for this moment and i won’t let anyone ruin it even if it was you”   
“ Think carefully before you regret it “   
“Oh i have thought believe me “ She said staring at him smiling insanely   
“As you wish “ He said leaving   
“Now my dear you will learn to hate them not just forget them ...Wake my dear , open your eyes to your new illusion”


	45. Only A Fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, yeah I'm back :D

I have been falling , I don’t know exactly for how long , all what I know is that I’m falling and there is no ground for me to crash on   
Am I alive ? I...I don’t know that either ! All I know is that I’m tired ...  
Tired of being their pawn , tired of being controlled , tired of being dead!   
I have been falling , but now I landed after letting go of everything even the ones i care for, not selfish no, I’m sparing them the pain i know I causing it , they won’t understand and they won’t let me go so i had to do this for their own sake not mine , they will move on ,they will learn to , i knwo but me ... I can’t stand there watching all of them suffer because of me so i had to die , not having the courage doing it myself I had to turn the knight into a pawn ...my pawn   
If it wasn’t for this strange voice i would be dead now not stuck in this endless darkness falling to nowhere !   
I remember seeing Thor and talking to him or it was just another illusion? It must cause i don’t know this so called winter soldier and certain i didn’t say winter is coming! My life just doesn’t make any sense like each and everything in it !   
On good mood ? Yeah ,why not? i'm in nowhere and I’m talking to myself not that i wasn’t expecting going insane but i didn’t see it coming that soon! So did you hear whoever you are, I lost my mind...Again !   
Something changed i can feel it , i'm not falling anymore but when did I reach the ground ?   
Something is wrong i can tell ,and here it comes again the feeling of nothing , just empty but sometimes nothing is better than the things I’ve felt , at least I won’t feel my time running out !   
This world is different or it’s just me ! I remember these streets , here i came to kill , here i came as a pawn , what can i call myself this time ? A ghost searching for his way back home ? But a ghost can see everyone and don’t be seen but what if it was the way round ? So I’m just stuck in ghost world ...  
I’ve been walking for hours now and no soul to be seen! Where did everyone go ?! It’s like they just gone , disappeared ...!   
I remember being here before , this the place where I....killed all these people .... People I keep seeing them in my dreams crying, begging me not to do it , this is the place where i became what i really am ... A monster   
No ! Not a monster i couldn’t....I wouldn’t ... Just a toy for whom ever had the upper hand !   
Would they ever know the truth ? That i wasn’t the one who took their loved ones away from them ? That I was just a fool who though all his problems will end with his death , not knowing that my death was their only way to get to me , so weak, so vulnerable , so silly !   
I remember the moment i let go of thor's hand and falling to the endless darkness surrounding me , drowning me in its thoughts for day after day till i lost count and hope with it   
They say when you’re close to your death you start to see your whole life in front of you , every moment you lived, every person you met , everything start showing up like shadows , I think by this way you get a chance to say goodbye before it all start to slip away fading with your soul but this didn’t happen , what i thought it was death was actually the reborn of a new me , darker one , free of any commitment , deprived of any feelings , a new me not born from what i faced but from what they did to him , from what he did to him !   
He....all I remember is his voice cold , rough ,mocking my weakness , my ignorance of where I am or even the fact that i wasn’t falling anymore , that I wasn’t dying ! Surprised of my ability to endure the pain they caused to me not knowing that i wasn’t aware of being tortured by his pawns , he took it from me along side of my memories keeping only the dark ones ..  
If you woke up to find all that you remember is being lied to you about your heritage or the fact that you’re are just a war child captive for the sake of an old man dreams of ruling, being mocked your whole life for being different , being weak , all I felt was anger and hatred...They kept torturing me thinking I may be pretending or playing a game on them till he decided to end with just one touch to my forehead and it was all gone , I felt cold invading my whole body i can even feel my bones shiver from it, my mind was so clear , so empty , nothing to worry about , nothing to think of , as there was nothing left to remember only one idea controlled me , I need to rule , I need to kill ...And that’s all it took to become the monster people tell their children about at night ! I became their worst nightmare ! And maybe still ..!


	46. Another Lost Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys missed you so much ! Missed Gavinchi too !   
> I figured out that being in a crappy mood really help me writing and since i'm in that mood , expect more from me very soon

“Loki” Thor gasped , another dream he thought , it was morning already so no use of staying at bed pretending to be asleep , though he avoid sleeping he still dream about him , daydreaming they call it....the desire and wish of your soul !   
Bucky was awake too maybe like him he didn’t sleep , still not afraid of them but suspicious like loki was before , maybe that what he wants ....to help another lost soul to find its way back home   
“Hey, mind if I sit with you “   
Bucky just looked at him suspiciously then he looked down quickly like he is used to never make an eye contact with anyone , Thor knew this was sign of being controlled , of being suppressed , he used to have the same thing with Loki , and for the first time Thor thought he can’t do it , he can’t help another Loki after losing the first one , for the first time Thor though of himself as not worthy , it wasn’t Loki who wasn’t worthy of having such a brother like he wrote in his letter it was Thor , how can he be worthy when he couldn’t save his brother , he was deep in his thoughts only to be taken out from it by the sound of glass shattering , it was a cup Bucky dropped it by accident   
When Thor looked at him , he saw the frighten look on his face   
“Yup the same story again” Thor said smiling and started to pick up the glass “Don't worry , you’re not the first one to break a cup your twin did it before” Thor laughed when he realised what he just called him   
“Twin!?” Bucky asked wirily  
“don’t put in mind, just a stupid idea” Thor said regretting saying that   
“No, you’re right Thor and you shouldn’t be ashamed to say that” Steve said joining them , he was there all the time waiting for the right time   
“But...I don’t wanna..” Thor said looking away   
“lose him too right? But you didn’t lost him first to lost him again , he is just out there somewhere”   
“W...Who!?” Bucky found courage in himself at last   
“If i said a man supposed to be dead , with dark hair and pale skin and long hair , and was controlled by some bad people for a while after they saved him from the fall , who do you think I’m talking about!?” Steve said looking at him   
“M..me” Bucky said looking down to his metallic arm  
“Actually he is talking about my brother ...Loki” Thor said smiling at him   
“But..” Bucky said looking perplexed  
“See buddy , you were right when you called them twins” Steve laughed at Thor then he looked at Bucky “You won’t need to hide anymore or to pretend to be someone else or that you’re fine , because we lived all of this before , with Loki , and believe me to him you’re more normal at least you can talk “ Steve said forgetting that Thor is here   
“You are fine with what he just said !?” Bucky asked he started to feel a little home   
“He is my brother too” Steve said quickly realising “ look, none of us can deny this even Loki himself knew he was a mess , he was so broken that it needed all of us to just make him whole again” Steve sighed   
“And we don’t even know if we succeeded or not” Thor said looking sad   
“Oh believe me we did succeed and what a proof more than him” Steve said pointing to Bucky   
“Me!?”   
“Yes , loki was the one that convinced Thor to look for you with me although that won’t help us in finding him” Steve said and Thor just nodded ,they came to this realisation recently   
“Where did he go?” Bucky asked he seemed more interested in Loki   
“We don’t know”Thor said quietly   
“Yet, we don’t know yet “ Steve said firmly   
“See, he keep telling me the same words over and over , he is so annoying , glad to have you back so he can annoy anyone else rather than just me” thor laughed leaving them   
“Hey, where are you going”   
“Looking for Sam and buy us some food” Thor said   
“Uhm can I have ..” Bucky paused looking little worried   
“I swear if he said chocolate I’ll be convinced that he is Loki playing a trick on us” Thor said coming back laughing   
“Go on buddy we don’t bite I promise” Steve said smiling reassuring him   
“But...how did you know !!?” Bucky looked confused   
“It is the mind control thing or what?? Making them only wanna chocolate” Thor yelled confused a little  
“Actually, Bucky always loved eating chocolate all the time , just a big soldier always acting like child when he even he saw chocolate” Steve said laughing while Bucky just stared at him trying to remember who was this man , he knows that he once knew him but he can’t fully remember him   
“don’t worry , you will...But just in the right time “Thor said to him   
Bucky just looked at him wondering how could this stranger know so much about him fro the very first time they met   
“You have his look , I mean Loki , he used to look at me the same you look at steve “ Thor said smiling and left them alone   
“He is not his normal , Loki's problem really derive him from his energetic self but he will come back to it when we find Loki “ Steve said quietly   
“But I need plums too” Bucky almost whined   
“Okay , okay I’ll text them to buy some” Steve laughed at his reaction   
“It helps the memory you know” Bucky muttered   
“It’s okay” Steve said putting a hand on his shoulder and Bucky flinches at it   
“I didn’t mean to..” Steve said looking away little hurt   
“I'm sorry , I know that were are expecting me to know you at once but I really don’t”   
“Hey, no ,no...I know how is this must be hard for you , let’s just be glad you’re here.....I really missed you” Steve cried hugging him tightly and Bucky just closed his eyes   
“I'm...sorry” Steve muttered stepping back “Gosh, this is so hard” he laughed trying to hide his tears, he was hurt , a pain even Thor won’t understand, how could he? At least Loki knew who he was to him !  
“I tried” Bucky said quickly  
“Huh?!”   
“To remember you I mean , i stayed all the night trying but...” Bucky stopped looking down   
“Don’t worry, it’s not your fault, you will remember eventually , like Loki did , it would just take time” Steve sighed   
“No you don’t get it , I remembered somethings but it doesn’t make sense” Bucky said looking lost   
“Really! Then tell me and I’ll help you” Steve said with a big smile on his face   
“I remember this guy, he looked a lot like you but he wasn’t all that muscular , he was small and always have bruises , but he was close to me , like my “   
Steve interrupted him excited “ Live your best friend right?”   
“Yes, do you know him? Is he your brother or something!?”   
“No , it’s me Bucky, before all of this” Steve said pointing to himself “ That was the pre serum me, it made me strong , you remembered me” Steve yelled in joy   
“I remember your mother too, she used to but paper in your shoes so they would fit in”   
“Yes, oh my god yes” Steve said looking at him happily   
“There is one more thing i remembered, this girl, the one you loved , she was our friend too, I used to tease her all the time , what was her name , Peggy , yes, Peggy , how is she” Bucky said excited by the memories   
Steve's face crafted with sadness in remembering her “She is dying Bucky, she is so old , her time will come soon and she won’t even remember us the second we walk out of her room”   
“Old !? But how you and me are still young and she was even younger than us!” Bucky asked confused   
“We are exception Bucky, i for example was frozen for more than seventy years and you too but in a different ways” Steve said afraid of the next questions when Bucky starts to remember it all but he was saved by Thor and Sam arrival   
“Continue our talk late buddy now you eat your plums” Steve said laughing nervously

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To my sweet bucky who is for me is just another loki , a twin like what Thor said


	47. Whispers in the dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one !? Yeah why not , i was away for so long , and like i said earlier I'm in a shitty mood so don't think this chap will be anything but dark , honestly i stopped myself from writing worse !

Sif thought a lot before sharing her thoughts with the others , she was always the strongest one in them never letting her feelings or desires led her but she can’t keep it to herself anymore , it was barely midnight when she asked them for one of their private meetings , the three of them sat in front of her with red eyes fighting their need to sleep  
“It better be something important” Volstag said yawning tiredly  
“it is about Loki” she said coldly avoiding looking at them  
“What? Have you been poisoned by their thoughts too ?” he said harshly  
“What poisoned thoughts? No one hated him more than me and you know that very well” Sif said in anger faded quickly replaced by confusion, why did she hate him that much? And for her surprise she couldn’t find an answer  
“Well I didn’t” Fandral said raising his hand admitting it  
“Yes, and why was that ? I always wanted to ask you” She said looking at him wondering  
“And why should I hate him !? He was always kind to me despite whatever we did to him, he was always there, how many times he gave us the best ideas , ideas that helped us a lot and we never thought for even once to thank him”  
“Thank him!? Have you lost your mind” He said enraged  
“No, it’s you who is blinded by hate that it turned you to a fool, so much un justified hatred why!?”  
“He is cunning, liar and ...he hated us” Sif said not knowing if she was admitting it or questioning it !  
“What is his name?” Fendral asked them interrupting her  
“What” she said perplexed  
“just go along with me”  
“Loki”  
“Loki what ?”  
“That’s nonsense” He shouted preparing to leave  
“Sit down” Fendral said grabbing him “And answer me” He said  
“Loki Odinson” he said trying to control his anger  
“Loki Odinson .... Thor Odinson , the same name the same family,the same position, so why you treated them differently!? “ they didn’t answer him waiting for him to talk  
“You loved Thor and respected him cause he was just like all of us Warrior he used a sword to fight but loki he was a whole different story , he couldn’t hold a sword so you mocked him, he used daggers so you underestimated him , he learned to fight using magic so you disrespected him , and eventually you hated him. Why, just because you thought of him weak, just because he used magic , and only women use magic right!? So you thought of him in womanly way doesn’t have right to be called a man nevertheless a warrior “ Fandral said bitterly  
“That’s not true” Sif shaked her head in disbelief  
“Cut it out Sif, you of all the people he thought you would understand but turned out to be you’re just like the rest, like us”  
“Me!?”  
“A woman who dresses like men carrying a sword fighting in battles, isn’t that a manly way my dear” Fandral sad accusing her  
“I'm not less than anyone of you” she spatted out enraged  
“See this anger? This rage? That’s what he hid inside of him all this time “  
“How do you know?” Volstag scoffed  
“ the same words , the same anger , i heard them before from him”  
“What?! When was that?”  
Fandral walked away to the window staring to the sky “It was just like any other day, we were practising and he came asking us if he could join us, and like always we did what we do best , we mocked him sending him away, laughing at her back calling him names, just an ordinary day like i said, but this time i too left cause i was tired and wanted to get some rest, when i saw them...” Fendral stopped  
“Them!?” Sif asked standing next to him  
“Some of the king’s guards, they were surrounding him stopping him from going anywhere, i hid to watch what’s going on , one of them pushed him to the wall and started to grab him by his hair  
“Short hair? First time i see a woman with short hair” he said grabbing it harder and the rest just laughed at him calling him disrespectful names  
“I’m not a woman, and i order you as your prince to let go off me right now” Loki shouted at them but it only made their laughs louder  
“When i say you’re a woman then you’re one you filthy freak, don’t know why the all father won’t just kill you and spare us this shame” he said punching him in the stomach and Loki fell to the ground trying not to make any sound  
“Rot in hell you freak” another one said kicking him and the others did the same then they left with the echo of their laughs was louder to be not heard  
I looked at his curled body trembling weakly and i could hear a whimper coming out of him , he stayed like that for nearly ten minutes before he started to move slowly , grabbing himself up to his feet , wiping away his tears, he started to shout with all his power, it was full of anger, frustration, desperate and the desire to revenge , at this point i saw his real powers by just one cry he make all the glass around him shatter into pieces then i heard him, his voice wasn’t that sweet kind one anymore, it was harsh and cold  
“No more....No more weakness or running or even keeping silent... Why will i be silent when they bury me? Dare they insult me and stain my name , now their screams shall be heard and god help who dares to stop me”  
and at this point i knew something changed inside of him, and i was right, only one week later terrible screams were heard no one dared to go and see what was happening but eventually we knew , all Asgard knew about the group of soldiers who were seen fleeing from the castle with horror crafted on their faces , no one knew what happened to them or what did they see to make them ran away like hell has been break loose but I knew , I just knew that he kept his word and that he won’t be the same man anymore and yet he was only 14 years old “.  
“They got what they deserve” Hogun said something at last  
“And what about us!?” Sif asked “We didn’t even spare him when he was ill remember these days?  
“I remember “  
“My queen” Sif said shocked  
“Didn’t mean to overhear your conversation but i was simply looking for you , but the conversation was about a past i was afraid of the moment it will come back again” She said sighing tiredly  
“I...we..are” Fendral stuttered doesn’t know what to say  
“Lets continue, the past we can’t change but we can control what follows”  
They all nodded running out of words  
“These days you mean , were when my boys were abducted and cause of our king's foolish bride my son had to suffer , like always, What Thor knows or remembers was that they failed to sew loki's lips shut but you know what really happened , they did sew his lips shut and both of my boys suffered from this terrible incident, Thor spent a week unconscious and when he woke up he couldn’t remember what happened after they tied Loki and we kept it this way but loki , he remembered every moment of it from tying him up to sewn his lips till the second our healer cut the strings , we waited for him to cry or shout but he didn’t just staring to nothing with his tears rolling down his face silently, a week passed and another one and another one till it was a whole month and he didn’t change a bit , you under my orders took thor aways to the healers of niflheim who treated him from the shock leaving him with altered memories, ones he can live with it normally, while I stayed with loki day and night never letting him go three months passed and he was the same till one day i wanted to do something , the moment i started to walk away he moaned crying at me with no voice like a child who just started to talk and that’s the only sound he would make was crying no words nothing at all , no one knew what happened to him so we kept it a secret and what people of Asgard knew was just the little prince was very sick that it affected his ability to talk well but not everyone was kind to him or understood his suffering, kids started to bully him calling him the mute , the freak, but they were just kids ,naive , but you ? You knew the truth yet you treated him like them why not if his own teacher did the same scolding him shouting at him cause he thought this will force him to speak , he even hit him calling him stupid because he couldn’t answer anything , do you believe that my Loki called Stupid and being hit? Odin was that close of killing this foolish man if i didn’t stop him , throwing him out of the realm, and from this day i was his teacher, he voice , his everything, and he wasn’t stupid not at all, he was brilliant and beautiful , he even started to laugh again it was voiceless in the beginning but at the end i heard his sweet laugh again , then we heard of this language , the sign language, we didn’t waste anytime learning it at once ,which by the way you didn’t even care to learn its simple basis till he was nearly ten years when he started to talk again slowly we started step by step like we did in the past when he started to talk , a baby just learned how to walk and talk, and i didn’t find any problem in that , my baby will talk properly at the end and that’s all what truly matters”  
“This lady pepper said he didn’t talk for a while , when he was living with them, is that right?” Sif asked fighting deep pain in her heart  
“Like the 7years old boy came back again in a body of a grown one, even though loki's memories about the incident were replaced just like Thor, the only thing he remembered when he woke up was not to talk, his mind fooled him that it will hurt if he did so he didn’t dare too, pain was the last thing he wanted to feel again after all what he suffered “ she said leaving them thinking of everything , leaving them wondering how will they live with such a burden ! Not knowing that their little talk was heard by someone far away from here, someone who one hearing all of this was more angry and determined to continue what already has started , leaving one soul to suffer , to be filled with anger and hatred , the whispers took the message to his soul directly and he could hear it clearly even more he started to accept it  
He Is Hell , hell that they shall live  
No more prayers  
The last whisper came calling him  
“Would you like to cheat death !?”  
And he accepted the call ....!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well i warned you, this mood is dark and full of terrors and sass as it may appears !  
> Till the next time then , bye guys


	48. the talk

I'm aware that some of you love my fic and many others hate it but it really doesn't matter not because i don't care about your opinion no, it is just... i said from the beginning that i'm just a girl who writes about what she loves to fight her depression and what other damn things run in her fucked up mind so yeah i don't care that much if i wrote in poor grammar or don't use any other stupid rule to write " i know lots of you will hate me now"  
I write cause i just love to write and i love what i write about so please like you keep your good opinion to yourselves not bothering sharing it with me , keep the negative ones too please cause I'm really really having a bad time and don't need another reason to be added ..  
PARDON MY FRENCH BUT I REALLY HAD ENOUGH !

Yeah and i really really need a Beta , so anyone ? :)


	49. The only trick worth playing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys , sorry for all this delay but finals and exams like always taking all my time :/  
> missed you so much and hope you enjoy the new chap ♥

To thor , Loki's diaries was like a treasure so when he forgot where he put it , thor was devastated searching all over the place for it but in vain nothing could bring him out from his sadness except for steve's promise that he will look for it in the morning but what they didn't know that it wasn't lost but was taken by a curious and a very bored winter soldier..  
Bucky was taken by its colours he thought it was just an ordinary note book and was going to give it to steve when he found some writings in the middle of the note , his curiosity beated him not forgetting it was 2 am in the morning and he was so bored, from the first look he knew it was diaries but whom ? that he didin't know so he started to read it anyways hoping to know its owner by the end...  
"Do I really want to stay? What is left for me here to live for…to fight for? If I stay or leave would this make a difference ? to be missed by someone means that you’re a worthy and I'm not, I never was…  
A shadow living behind a mask of silence…never give up always fight to prove yourself that you're worthy…worthy of the name…Odin son…worthy of being asgardian warrior, How to be worthy of something you don't have…you don't belong to?  
I don't belong that is truth I can't call Asgard my home neither jotunheim, not having a place to call it home…your home, is like someone ribbed your heart and made you watching him tearing it apart you don't die yet you can't call yourself alive, you can see the both worlds but can't belong to any of them as they both discarding your presence as an abomination  
You should be dead one said….you still breathing the other said but only breath indicates being alive?  
I died once in their eyes if I die again it won't hurt them right? Claiming they mourned before…enough hurting, enough grieving I just want to feel peace again like when mother used to sing me lullaby till I fall asleep in her arms feeling her heart beats or when the only thing made me scared was the sound of the thunder I used to go to thor's room so I could feel safe ….there was time when only seeing him make me safe like nothing in this world can hurt me as I was sure that my big brother will protect me never letting anything bad happens to me  
Every day passed this feeling faded away till one day I had to think twice before I can tell if he was here to protect me or to hurt me…another feeling arouse this day, when seeing my brother started to make me …. Scared.  
Blur is what I live in now what is real? Is anything was ever real or illusions became my life…is this real?...Feeling cold…so cold, am I dying? …A poison maybe! Too late for second guessing…I made a fool of myself again, so desperate to find love to find someone really cares for me that I gave it up to the first person knock the door so tired of hiding my feelings anymore hiding this little secret this little dream of having a normal life like anyone else not to be a freak show…to be normal, to have the guts to have a life to be shared with someone , to have a family a real one not bunch of warriors teasing me all around a family where you are worthy for what you are not for what they want you to be …a life where no one tell to shut up or know your place…a life where my voice is heard not just by me …  
Why don't I wake up…to shout…to ask for help before I die ? maybe I do wanna die , waking to this life, to the person who I am do I really wanna this anymore, maybe when I'm gone they would understand why I did this maybe they can hear my voice … To know me .  
It is funny when you dead how people start listening… I've gone all around till there's nothing left to say, wrote it all down into something that couldn't be said… A lesson I realized I should have learned it long time ago but it is not too late to learn, is it? Thor learned his lessons, everyone did they all have faced their problems and stood against it … should I really gave up ? stop fighting back? Stop asking for my right? To be the coward I always denied I'll be …Do I really need to be more pathetic than I really am? To be a loser…A joke anyone can laugh about? Enough is enough no more lies no more tears and hell no more weakness… if I died today or after hundred years I don't care I'll live every single moment of it on my on I'll do what I want and no one can stop me I'm loki not odinson nor laufeyson just loki. They call me the trickster well, the only trick worth playing now is come back again even more stronger. But am I dying? Well yes...."  
Bucky turned the page but there was no more , he closed the diaries thinking about what he just read all the pain , the agony and the anger this loki had inside was enough to make even the toughest guy break down and according to what he heard from thor he didn't , he fought till the end , but there is this thing about thor and being scared of him ! wasn't he suposed to be his brother the one who prtotects him , not the one who makes him suffer !! now all what bucky wants is the morning to come so he could have the answer to his question: when did write this? and what did he mean by being scared of thor !? But...why does he care about a stranger in the first place !?


	50. Crutch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An idea that kept annoying me so i wrote it !! Hope you like this chap

"Just don't.." Steve said crushing on the chair next to him without looking to bucky  
"What do you mean by that !? Listen i may be still trying to remember you well but i know you , The Captain america the righteous man right? so how can you approve this !? Or keep silent !" Bucky yelled at him then backed away taking a deep breath to control his anger  
" You have been spending lots of time with Sam " steve smirked " But you can't judge a person from his past only , can you? "  
"Then explain to me would you !? He was here , he was your responsibility to look after but you all looked away leaving him under the mercy of an arrogant cruel man call himself his brother? Explain to me how did you trust him after all of that ? and judging by your look when your read it , you already knew ! Answer me , this is my only way to know why ?" Bucky pleaded him  
"Why..!!?" Steve asked confused  
Yes, why all of this thoughts !?..... Why do i even care ! What's his connection to me !!?"  
"Listen to me , i know that you're lost , and i understand your anger i really do , but i can't..." Steve said covering his face  
"Why!!?" Bucky yelled at him frustrated  
"I can't just let you accuse the man that spends all his time blaming himself for what happened it's like you say to him that all this dark thoughts were right and he killed his brother , please you can't do this to him , just don't , and yes i said it again and I'll say it every time you try to open this , cause we had this before , the same damn diary with a lot of shouting and accusing .  
But you know what is the difference!? Back then loki was with us , he was sleeping on the couch and when our voices started to be loud accusing thor that he was just like the others he woke up afraid and do you know who ran to him calming him down , holding him in his arms whispering to him to sleep again !? It was Thor not us and the irony is Loki was afraid of us and only felt safe in thor's arms "  
"But i failed him at the end , and I'm the only one to be blamed " Thor said smiling bitterly  
"Thor, please just don't let his talk get you , he didn't mean it " Steve said walking to him  
"I'm used to that don't worry , and this diary , god it's just a pain in the ass right , just like who wrote it , i swear I'll kill this little shit always writing about bad things only huh !? " Thor laughed looking away to hide his trembling  
"Why do you sound like stark !? Oh god he is like a disease , an infectious one too " Steve joined him in laughter glad that he won't have to watch a fight between these two or worse a crying self loathing blonde  
" Nah it was clint but they are alike so you're not wrong " Thor said then looked to Bucky who was stunned not knowing what to do " Listen my friend he is my brother , my silly young brother, sure we have ups and downs like any brothers in the world , the difference here is that my brother is not like any other brother in the world , neither am i "  
"What do you mean !?" Bucky asked  
"I mean he won't write a diary about the good things that happened to him ! I know him , Loki can't express his feelings properly that's something the rest know by now , especially the good ones he can't show you that he cares or that he loves you or appreciates what you do to him , no ! But he can tslk very well about the bad ones being afraid , being oppressed , to hate you even , don't know why but that's Loki and since you didn't meat him before it's clear that you wouldn't know that even in a million years "  
"Yup that's what i was trying to tell you bucky , it took us weeks to understand that , there was a time when he couldn't even walk by himself and still would push away anyone try to help him " Steve sighed  
"Especially if it was me " Thor smiled sadly leaving them ignoring Bucky's confusion and thoughts as he was drowning in his own thoughts and one memory particularly seemed to be ages ago ...  
It was a couple days before the coffee incident , Loki was back to his old self a little but still weak prefering to stay in his room all the time  
Thor thought he was just ignoring him playing the tough guy role like always till he fed up with that attitude going to his room without waiting for Loki's permission , something he regretted it latter but still was glad that he did it to know the real truth ; Loki wasn't ignoring him , he was too weak to walk by himself out of the room and Thor was shocked to see his baby brother in the ground crying in frustration and anger of his weak self  
"Brother, why you didn't tell me , why you insist on keeping me away !?" Thor cried crushing next to him trying to hopd his hand but Loki pushed him away in anger but this didn't stop Thor from holding him lefting him up to his feet he knew Loki is weak enough to not push him away , he just looked away hiding his tears but thor turns to face him  
"You have all the right to be ashamed if it was someone else , but you don't have the right to feel that with me , you know why!?"  
Thor asked Loki still holding him to his feet walking him slowly out of the room  
"Cause the one who taught you how to walk has all the right to be your crutch "


	52. Dollhouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't mind me, just fastening side effects, a little bit hallucinations 

For her it is like a game where she controls everything yet the players think they're in control, she will play with their mind when they sleep and all what they will remember is a blurry memory of someone singing... 

After all she lived here between them and songs were her only friend the only thing that keeps her away from complete insanity or it is the other way around!? 

It doesn't matter, what matters is that she can sing and she is already winning, she holds all the strings, she is the real trickster the one who knows everything yet unknown to everyone.. 

In asgard she plays with Tony's mind then sing him a song to sleep and the first thing in the morning is an angry stark wants to go home right now, they let him go not knowing that he is determined to kill blinded by revenge.. 

In midgard, she plays with Thor's mind convincing him that they're working with Odin tricking him till they find Loki and kill him for good this time, and when the night came he was gone... 

And with Loki she plays her best game, in a world of her creation where she drives him insane filling him with hatred, rewiring his mind, controlling every move, every thought and soon he will be in her side fully accepting her..   
And above all of them she stands muttering her favourite song, the one that describes it all...!

What you don't know won't hurt you  
Maybe the lies are true  
Try to remember, try to forget  
Those yesterdays bleeding through

You'll never see me coming  
You'll never know my name  
Try to remember, try to forget  
But you'll never be the same

I could do anything  
I could go anywhere  
I could be anything  
To anyone tonight

I'm already going  
I'm already gone  
There's a stranger in my place

You'll never find me  
But I'll get along  
Cause the angels know my face

La la la la  
La la la la la la  
La la la la la laaaa


	53. Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry guys that I took so long to come back but this year truly sucks  
> I miss you all and hope you like the new chapter

"Thor left" that was the first thing I heard in the morning, I asked Steve why he would do that but it seemed like even him is wondering why..   
But I guess I figured it, staying here locked up while loki is out there somewhere alone, staying here in the warm while he knows for sure he is out there in cold of December if he was on Midgard as they call it, no he won't just stay, patience is a virtue he doesn't have neither do I, not all of us can keep their mind together in these situations like Steve does, here we are locked up waiting for them to find us instead of finding them ourselves, so,, I'm leaving too,to know who I really was I better stay here but to konw what tomorrow has stored to me I must find him, I must find loki before all of them, we're bound to be together that's the only thing I'm sure of. 

"It's time" she whispered to herself, she did her part now it's time to set him free even if she doesn't want to let him go, he belongs with her but she can't handle the consequences of that choice no-one can   
She hated doing this to him, lying to him fooling him to think that they all betrayed him but she must follow the orders if she wants to stay alive, if she wants to keep him alive...   
Her role was very simple fool them till they believe you are the one caused them all this pain, no-one must know who are they really fighting.   
"Sory my love but I did it all for you she promised me she will spare us, soon we will be together as it was always should be, together.., but now I must make sure he never reaches you or everything will be doomed to fail"   
Something doesn't feel right, Heimdal thought, someone is messing with him, someone or some force, he can't be sure all what is he sure about is he can no longer see his king, Thor, Stark nor Bucky but he can see Loki!   
He asked all of them for immediate meeting, they don't get along with each other but there is no time to waste   
"You can see Loki!? What... What do you mean by that? He is alive... " The queen stormed can't really handle what he just said, he is alive   
"Uhm sorry don't mean to ubset you but he also said he can't see the others so..." Bruce said concerned of the outcomes of this sudden events   
"That's exactly why I asked all of you, we will split missions between us every group following a certain lead hoping to reach some point where we can really understand what's going on" Heimdal said and despite hating being in the place together they all nodded in agreement   
"Me and clent will go after loki, pepper you're thb only one who knows how to find stark so it'll be your mission with Bruce" Natasha said ending any discussion may begin   
"Finding loki means finding Thor or at least any clue where he might be" Bruce added   
"That leaves you four to search for our king" Heimdal said to the four warriors   
"I can help" a voice said from behind, everyone turned around quickly searching for her.. 

"I know you but I'm certain I never saw you before how is that possible" Clint said gazing at her   
"You all know me but not in a friendly way I'll explain everything but first, uncle I'm so sorry for what I'm going to do" She looked at Heimdal charging a bolt of energy towards him a blue one   
"Are you nuts? Who the hell are?" Clint shouted at her and everyone was alerted by her   
"He was under her control all this time, in fact she used him to hide loki I just helped him escape her control"   
"What are you talking about!?" Natasha asked her   
"Her? You mean her?" Heimdal shouted in desblief   
"Oh for god sake does anyone care to explain?" Bruce said agitated   
"My queen, I believe you know Sygen, you met her before when she was younger, she was.."   
"loki's childhood friend" Frigga said in surprise   
"That's me"   
"But you disappeared after loki's incident, no-one could find you anywhere" Sif said finally recognising her   
"That's along story in short I got lost or she made me i don't konw, but when I came back loki couldn't recognise me, uncle said you made them wipe all his memories about me too and I couldn't live here anymore with him not knowing me"   
"So I sent her to Midgard"   
"Yeah I had a good time there till she found me again making me work for her"   
"But why? Of course by now you know how much she hated them" Frigga said in desblief   
"That's exactly why I agreed so I could always be one step ahead of her, stopping her in the right time"   
"Who is Her" Clint shouted   
"Her name is Hela and she is our oldest daughter"   
"And she is pure evil" Heimdal added and everyone was left in shock


	54. Bound to be together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck I know  
> Sorry :(

Finding him won't be an easy job one might even say Impossible! But I have to.. There has been a dream that I was ignoring for a while now but I think it's time to consider its possibility. Having the same dream for a week in a row can't be a coincidence right!  
I have to go to New-York now I think he is waiting for me!  
.... 

The two of them have no idea where to start looking for him and the fact of him being really Alive is only adding to their nervous!  
"I know that I shouldn't be worried and that he is a big boy who can look after himself but I can't help it not to think of every scenario possible of him being hurt ugh" Clint whined scratching his head  
Natasha just looked at him smiling faintly, he said what was in her mind "Lets just hope he is fine and that he will never know about your talk"  
"Don't you dare say a word about this to anyone Tasha especially him or he will freeze more than my drink" he scoffed  
"I hope so" she teased him "now where should we look first?"  
"Something telling me he would go to the first and last place he visited"  
"Central Park you mean?" she wondered "You know that really makes sense, he always felt safe there and it's you know"  
"Green" Clint laughed "Oh I missed this kid" he whispered  
"I know.. Me too" Tasha said taking his hand.  
.....  
Once I arrived at the airport I know exactly where to head, Central Park in the dream he is always surrounded by green sitting in the shades of the largest tree reading a book and sometimes asleep with the book beside him  
I might have felt a little stupid or awkward cause I'm Following A Dream but desperate times demands not only desperate measures but crazy ones too...  
I started to look for the largest tree obviously and there he was sleeping like I dreamt of him, of course I recognised him from the pictures Steve showed me, but something was different this one is more peaceful may I even say healthier! Like this dude hasn't just come back from the dead!  
I walked towards him slowly not sure what to say to him so I kinda just sat in front of him watching him for a second, I already felt awful for having to wake him up he looked so peaceful and who knows when was the last time he had such a deep sleep so I just grab the book and decided on waiting for him to wake up, I ended up sitting next to him resting my back to the tree and reading for a whole hour when I felt a slight movement next to me, he was waking up..  
........  
"How long till we reach the park?" Clint asked bored of the slow traffic  
"By this rate an hour" the driver replied  
"Oh man, remind me again why didn't use our usual way"  
"Cause it was destroyed and the rest are busy right now if you forgot the little incident we had" she whispered in boredom  
"I really really hate Hydra" he muttered

.......  
To be honest him waking up just startled me, I know it should be the opposite but whatever, so i quickly moved away from him kneeling with the book still in my hand, just staring at him, if he screamed or ran away I would totally understand  
He shifted in his place slowly and slight pain was drawn on his face! Is he injured or what? His hand was looking for something before he even opened his eyes, the book I guess!  
"Are you looking for this?" I tried to keep my voice calm and I dunno less threatening!!  
On hearing me his eyes were wide opened alerted by my presence, he moved his legs closer to his body like he was protecting himself from me, at this moment I realised why was everyone sounded so protective about him, he was basically a scared kid but then something weird happened, he suddenly moved towards me staring at my face and his expression changed like he recognised me!  
"I'll take a guess here and say you too dreamed of this.. Us meeting here"  
By the look on his face I knew he did, and just by this, he smiled at me and go back to his place again but looking at the sky not sleeping this time  
I found myself doing the same, sitting next to him, it was like a dream, peaceful and relaxing I don't remember the last time I felt this way!  
"We're bound to be together" I muttered these words to myself but he heard me, his smile says that  
"But why!" I asked him but he didn't answer me he just put his hands together looking at me then the book, that's when I remembered I didn't read its title! And only then I get my answer! Somehow it all made sense we're really bound to be together not by fate or by others but for who we're and what we're to each other  
The Book title was : Two Halves Made Whole  
With that realization I found myself dragged by the hand to get up, he was looking around him worried like he was sensing something  
"What's wrong!? Why did you grab us up like that?"  
"Shushhh"  
"Did you just shush me!"  
He rolled his eye and started to walk fast dragging me behind him as he had his freakin grip around my wrest but I get that maybe someone is looking for us and they are approaching since he just won't be saving any time to get the hell out of here! I wonder who are they  
.......  
"Did you put something in my juice this morning, cause right now I'm seeing loki dragging bucky behind him" Clint said eyes widened  
"What the hell is bucky doing here and how did he...  
Tasha was shocked  
" Nah it's the juice I tell you cause now they just poofed"  
"Clint Barton they just fucken teleported" Tasha screamed at his face  
"I'm too old for this shit" he just whined covering his face and Natasha just patted his head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DON'T YOU DARE SHIP THEM TOGETHER *. *
> 
> **And oh there's a reference in here ssomewhere did you get it?!


	55. Running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I drank the juice clint was talking about, what's the hell is wrong with me, I'm too emotional *. *

Obviously Steve forgot to tell me this tinny information about Loki, like what is this guy powers for example, why didn't Anybody tell me that he can freakin teleport?!  
Am I panicking? Hell yeah I'm freaking out here what do you expect and I was clearly making myself an idiot in front of him cause I can hear the bloody giggling  
"Oh don't try to cover it I can hear you clearly" I shouted these words turning to face him and he immediately cover his mouth stopping himself  
"You know you could have warned me first" dunno why but I sounded sad, well making him feel guilty is a great revenge right but he just stared at me for seconds before he just raise his shoulders  
"Forget it, where did you send us anyway? All I can see around us is this see or ocean i dunno! Is this a deserted island or what?" I gasped and he just rolled his eyes at me Again what a lovely friendly company I have  
"Feeling like I'm talking to myself here" I mumbled annoyed, then it hit me, Loki didn't say a single word since we met! Hell he didn't even make any sound except shushing me before! Am I that awful that he doesn't wanna speak to me!  
The idea itself didn't only hurt me it annoyed me too I guess so I found it would be better if I left so I took off without saying any word to him, not that he would even care hell he spent all the time since we arrived staring at the see  
Bound to be together, huh what a joke... Wrong like always, can't belong to the past nor the present, bound to be alone is the right sentence  
I dunno if I was thinking out loud or not I really didn't care that much I only wanted to get the hell out of here that's when I felt it again he grabbed my freakin hand Again  
"Oh for god sake would you stop doing that I'm not a freakin child" I shouted at him pulling my hand away preparing to yell at him again when I saw the look on his face, he was hurt and the fact that he was out of his breath means that he ran looking for me! How long ago did I left? Did I go that far! And why didn't he just called out for me!  
"You could have shouted for me or better talked to me in the first place, not waiting till I'm gone"  
He blinked couple of times looking perplexed and I felt like I'm missing something here  
"Speak up kid, What? Are you mute or something?" I shouted at him enraged  
He looked at me like he doesn't recognise me anymore, I'm sure he is doubting that I'm the right person he was waiting cause this person would know how couldn't he know that obvious thing, he is mute that's what I was missing and they told me but the idiot I am I forgot  
"Loki, I'm sorry I forgot, Steve told me that you didn't talk for a while but I forgot" I looked up at him but he was gone, I started to look around for him shouting his name, when I saw him, he didn't go that far for my luck I guess he was too tired or depressed to walk fast and this made it worse, I ran towards him and grabbed his hand, it's starting to be a habit here gosh  
"Loki just wait please, I'm sorry man, I didn't mean it okay just forget what I said please" I pleaded him to stay and he just nodded without turning to me so I went in front of him when I saw it, his eyes was slightly red and teary, dammit I made him cry, I'm just a big jerk, shit  
"stupid, idiot, jerk I'm all of that and more but please don't cry because of me" I whined and a little giggle came out, I looked up quickly to see him trying to appear serious  
"I heard it this time too, I'm awesome" I said laughing and he made some gestures by his hands smiling  
"Oh this will be a problem, this is signing right" and his face turned red mouthing sorry  
"Don't be, I have a feeling that I'm the only one who doesn't know it right" I muttered and he just nodded laughing silently if this even possible  
He grabbed my hand walking back to our place "Oh yes this has become a thing officially now" I thought but it didn't bother me as I thought it would be!  
There was a bag which I had no idea where it came from and he grabbed a green note from it and started to write something so I just sat next to him waiting  
*this will work for now till you at least learn fingerspelling*  
"ugh why" I whined a little  
*Cause I can't write all the time can I? *  
"Fine"  
He made another gestures but with one hand this time  
"What is that?" I asked perplexe  
*Your name*he smiled at me repeating it slowly this time  
"Oh and yours?" I asked him quickly  
He made another guestures and repeated it slowly couple of times  
I tried to make them myself but got the 'K' not quite well so hejust hold my hand and help me learning it  
I think we spent the whole day with him teaching me all the alphabet and the important signs, it was fun I admit watch him smile every time I got it wrong or getting excited when I did well  
I didn't care about being tired or having a headache what matters is now we can talk to each other now I can really understand him, he won't be that silent stranger anymore,, I don't think he was ever a stranger to me! How could he be!? As for now I really understood what did it mean to be two halves made whole, a half doesn't mean you're incomplete or the same it means together you make sense, together you feel belonged to something at last, the two parts don't have to be the same they could be completely different from each other yet together they always fit right in  
This when I felt a gentle poking at my arm, I turned to look at him, he was wondering where did I go  
"Nothing just thinking about how much I'm glad I found you" and his face turned red like always this little girl  
"ouch, how did you hear me? Fine little boy" I teased him and he pinched me again "Fine big kid and don't you dare doing it again it hurts" but he just laughed in his unique way without a sound  
"You know you're the only person who I talked to him like this for years now" I said looking at the sky but I can feel his gaze on me "Back in hydra I was just a weapon who isn't allowed to talk or even have feelings a weapon his only purpose is to follow the orders...After I escaped people tend to stay away from me cause of this arm, som of them would only be curious about how I got it"  
"Steve?" he signed  
"I don't remember that Steve or the other one if I might say, all I remember is some blurry memories thst doesn't make sense or missing parts, he just wants his old friend back and I don't think I'm him anymore but he doesn't get that does he!?"  
*Thor* he signed quickly and I saw his his mouth twitching for seconds  
" Yeah I know, the irony is that Steve was trying to make him understand this when he himself doesn't get it... We're the same you and me, both lost in time or place that is not theirs with people looking for another us died a long time ago" I said smiling at him sadly and I could feel everything becoming blurry and tears just fell down, I felt him holding my hand between his hands and he didn't need to sign or write to know what he wanted to say, "I'm here and we got each other"  
"Hey you know what I really want?"  
*what*  
"To leave everything behind and never going back, heck I can stay here forever "  
he stared at me for a while but I think he was staring at nothing thinking of what I sayed then he wrote something and gave it me to after hesitation, it was only two words  
*With me? *  
He looked away and I felt his sadness I think he thought I would refuse to be with him  
"Silly, of course with you did you forget or what? Bound to be together? How could I leave you kiddo"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said I dunno what am I doing at this point so we will see where does this lead :3


	57. Scare Away The Dark

It was nearly midnight when Loki heard it, a low mumbling and moans soon turned to sniffling...  
"no... Don't make me... No... S stop.. Please.. Steve" bucky cried weakly with his hand moving in front of protecting him from an invisible enemy or enemies  
Loki didn't know what to do, he left his sleeping bag and moved near him holding his hand calming him down, he thought this would make him wake up but he didn't and the nightmare continued stronger than before with his body trembling and tears starting to fall on his cheeks  
"Won't.. hurt.. them..Stop..loki" he screamed crying  
Loki couldn't believe what he just heard! The only person bucky thought of to help him was me!?  
Loki knew he had to do something quickly to stop this nightmare not only for now but for all, he sighed butting his hand on his head closing his eyes, he bit his lip knowing how much pain this will cause him,He shock his head quickly he needs to focus now  
He felt his pain, fear and loneliness, there is so much darkness inside him, how can anybody live like that? Hell how can he be smiling or joking with such pain.  
And only then he knew how he fit in this, as for every dark there will always be a shadow leading to the light, he is his shadow but a shadow that saves not follows, a shadow that leads both of them to the light as both of them can't reach alone..  
He made sure that all his thoughts were heard by bucky too even if he was unconscious he will get it..  
Loki felt the pain growing inside him as the darkness inside bucky started to find itself a new host him.  
He can handle it, he lived in it his whole life he knows he can manage to survive with bucky's too, but bucky won't how could he? A light can never be darkness..  
He felt bucky's grip on his hand as he started to wake up though he was now cleared from the dark inside but his soul was touched by it and recovering from this will never be easy or quick but he had his way..  
He helped bucky sit still holding his hand as his grip didn't become anything other that tighter.  
"loki I... What happened" bucky said weakly  
Loki shushed him putting his hand on his chest focusing his poewr again and this time bucky could feel it, a wave of relaxing emotion and calmness filling his heart like he had a hole in his heart which is closing or something bad something dark leaving him, he felt tears pouring on his face and he didn't know when he was pulled in hug by loki with his face buried in loki's chest and he could feel his heart beats calming him down, bucky closed his eyes resting his arm on loki's shoulder and let the tears fall off not minding it anymore and everything went dark but a peaceful one  
Loki just smiled faintly moving his hand through his hair calming him down till he fell asleep again, he layed him down and sat next to him leaning to the tree behind him as till now bucky didn't let his hand, closing his eyes trying to sleep thinking about the next hours and the circumstances of what he did.  
.....  
When he woke up he felt better, he felt lighter, like whatever was chocking him is gone, he figured it was because of what loki did to him the other night, he sorta healed him.  
He sat looking at him sleeping with his back resting on the tree then he noticed it his metallic grip on loki's hand no wonder he slept like this, the poor guy had no other choice, he let his hand quickly feeling guilty  
He leaned forward to wake him up when he noticed his slight shaking and pain on his face and a little moan left him, bucky felt worried and shaked his shoulder gently calling his name "Loki, wake up"  
Loki just shifted slowly opening his eyes smiling weakly  
"Are you okay? Do you feel sick or something?" Bucky asked worried  
*Fine* loki signed and coughed a little  
"it doesn't sound like that at all" Bucky ranted checking his temperature "Shit you're burning"  
*Fine* he signed enraged standing up and walked to where he left his note writing something throwing it to bucky who cought it and continued walking away  
*Don't come after me, I need some time alone, please just do this*  
Bucky looked up lost but he was already gone.


	58. I'll be your light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really growing to love their chemistry *. *

He felt himself falling in the dark again the same one he tried so hard to run from all this time, but somethings you just can leave behind, he is bound to the darkness the same way he is bound to him.  
The pain was excruciating he could feel his heart being ripped apart his whole body was painfully sore and it was the beginning..  
Loki knew what was coming next, he can feel it growing inside him, his anxiety levels had already kicked in high a while ago and his panic attacks won't be late  
"Now he will see the pathetic weak I am" loki thought and another voice inside him replied "He wasn't ashamed of his weakness the other night why should you? Why always pushing yourself so hard to distant! Don't be hard on yourself you're not invencible... it's normal to show weakness from time to time"  
"normal for him, he is human and being able to show their weakness is what makes them human" loki answered the voice in his head, he knew it was part of him, the one who is trying to kick sense into him but he won't listen.. It's too late to listen, he bit his lip from the pain taking a deep but painful breath  
"You're human than many humans would ever be"  
And with this loki break in laughing "Human? Me human? Didn't know humans have blue skin and red eyes, please save this word to thor he is one of them at least he looks like them not just a mask he hid behind..And oh have you ever seen Thor or father cry from pain or act pathetic like I do? No cause that's how it should be not this"  
The voice didn't answer him, what could he say, after all no-one said the truth is always pleasant, it's supposed to hurt cause it's the reality  
And the reality is he will never accept his weakness or illness or whatever it's called to be something normal, and whining is weakness too so he will just swallow it and shut up  
"As if I'm talking in the first place" he thought grinning but it soon turned to gasp as he couldn't take his breath and his panic attack made appearance slipping him to the dark again.  
..................  
Bucky tried to keep himself busy with anything stopping himself from going after loki, he read for a while but his mind wasn't here to focus on the words.  
He found out that loki's bag was magical or something cause every time he opened it looking for something he found it no matter what it was, it was bigger on the inside definitely and with its help he managed to make them a prober breakfast and it gave him a strange feeling not that it was a bad one no it was just nice  
"Yeah, I can live like that" he said smiling "but not with a grumpy loki no hell no" just mentioning his name made him unsettled wanting to go looking for him  
"Screw it, I'll go and let me see what will he do"  
Bucky looked almost everywhere for him with nothing like he just proofed  
"Dammit that kid is fast" he whinned leaning against a tree taking his breath it has been two hours since he left looking for him  
"Gaaaaaah"  
The scream was so loud that it freaked bucky, it carried so much pain, he quickly ran to the place it came from shouting his name  
Loki was on the ground hands clasping to his chest shaking violently  
Bucky saw this tenth of times during the war especially among young soldiers, he was having a panic attack but aggressive than any other one he saw before  
He quickly put his hand inside loki's mouth so he won't bite or swallow his tongue and trying to keep him still with his metallic arm then he slided himself beneath him allowing his head to rest on his lap holding his both hands, rocking him gently and leaned closing the gap between their faces whispering to his ears  
"it's okay... It's okay.. You’re safe now.. You're okay.. No need to be afraid.. I'm here with you and won't leave you.. I promise.. It's okay..."  
Bucky could feel his body resting nearly Turing to limp but his breathing returning to it's normal pace reassured him  
After a while he felt pressing on his hand and slight shifting of his body  
" Hey, take it easy champ everything is gonna be just fine" bucky said removing his hair back from his face and loki looked away trying not to appear weak  
"Oh com'on I was literally crying like a child from a nightmare and you had a freakin panic attack and you didn't even cry a little, my boy you're a badass" bucky said messing with his hair trying to take his mind away from this  
Loki just blinked shying away then it appeared like he was thinking of something  
"Boy... Kid?" He signed raising an eyebrow  
"Ummm boy and kid right?" he asked making sure he got them right and loki just nodded impatiently  
" Yeah how old are you 15, 16?"  
Loki's eyes widened in shock "22" he signed annoyed  
"you kidding me, well even if you was 22 I'm 90 years old"  
Loki just rolled his eye at him  
"okay okay" bucky shrugged "I'm 32 years" he muttered "Still older than you by a whoole decade Kid" he scoffed  
Loki just stuck out his tongue at him and tried to get up  
"Easy there you need to stay still for a while, you're not my first case kiddo, I was in the army and half of my squad were just kids, panic attacks were like the coffee break back then heck even me had it couple of times, Steve shockingly never had one this little brat" he scoffed smiling a little  
"Little" loki signed perplexed  
" Yeah my Steve not your Steve" bucky said looking away  
Loki shifted again and bucky could feel his annoyance  
"What's wrong buddy?"  
Loki hesitated for a while before he started to sign in a way bucky could understand, he pointed to his mouth and shaked his head and then he pointed at bucky moving his head away  
"can't talk.. I looked away?" bucky said slowly and loki just nodded looking sad  
"shit, I forgot you won't be able to... Dammit I was just trying not to turn things gloomy and ended up with a total mess I.." loki put his hand on his mouth shushing him and signed *okay* smiling faintly  
"just grab me if I did it again" bucky said scoffing and loki just pinched him in the arm  
"or you do that, ouch" he pretended it hurt him and he heard the low giggling  
"A small price for such a gift" he thought smiling back at him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki is moody and he will drive me insane ugh


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one I know but I'm still figuring this out

"So about looking for Loki and Bucky ummm forget it" Clint shrugged   
"Wait what?" Sam exclaimed   
"we located loki's position and he wasn't alone, bucky was there too" Natasha said   
"They were together" Steve asked not having a clue what's going on   
"They were holding hands" Clint scoffed looking at Tasha and they both could swore Steve could jump out of the screen any moment now  
"Loki was grabbing him to escape from us, idiot" Natasha muttered nudging him   
"ouch, whatever, what matters is they can look for each other wherever they are now, and this means two less people to worry about" Clint said looking at Steve  
"For now" Steve said "we need to understand what the hell is going on"  
"Steve cursing,never a good sign eh" Clint whispered to Tasha and she just nodded  
"This leave us with?" Sam asked  
"Stark and Thor" Steve sighed  
"pepper didn't find him yet?" Tasha wondered  
"No and the fool turned off all his communication system"  
"And the big guy?" Clint ranted "Haven't this asgardian pricks found him yet!?"  
"Still not a word from them no" Steve said frustrated   
"Dman it so this leave us with two runaways, a sulky idiot and grumpy god of thunder, I told you I'm too old for this shit" Clint whined to Natasha   
"Cheer up a little would you, in a few minutes you will be back to your room" Tasha said trying to stop his sulking   
"Going home quickly aren't you?" Steve said envying them   
" Well we 100% screwed up our mission so I'm welling to keep my remaining dignity thank you very much" Clint said holding his hands up   
"you should come back too, in case one of them showed up and things go south" Natasha suggested   
"Actually" Sam said moving letting them see what's behind him   
"we're in our way home too" Steve said laughing a little   
"yaay mama Steve is coming home and will cook us some food" Clint beamed and they all laughed at him except Steve who was face-palming  
..............  
"Thank you" he said quietly looking at her  
"For what?"   
"Understanding, that's what , none of them would have.."   
"Cause they don't know how could they understand other than you ran away when they needed you the most" she said holding his hand   
"Better than starting a war" he scoffed   
"A civil war you mean"  
"even better" he laughed bitterly " Capsicle will surely take his boyfriend side" he rasped  
"He is not his... Ugh forget it you are just saying this to tease me and to make me forget the elephant in the room"  
"There's an elephant in the room where" he said looking around  
"Antony Stark I swear" Pepper yelled  
"Okay fine, what do you wanna me talk about huh? That Bucky killed my parents? Or that the last thing I had with dear old dad was fighting and me saying that I hate him? Or that he took away mom in a second? And oh the best part is he was under their fucken control so I can't blame him, cause I'll be just a bloody hypocrite if I did this and you know why? Cause I defended a freakishly tall trickster who turned to be just a scared little kid"Stark burst out crying   
"See that wasn't difficult, you need to let all this rage out or it will kill you stupid" Pepper muttered hugging him tightly calming him whispering "You need to confront Bucky" when suddenly a familiar green gaze surrounded them.


End file.
